CRAPPY NEW YEAR

Being that I am broke, and my social life sucks anyway, I actually volunteered to work tonight. I have not met anyone good on New Year's Eve for years, the only two guys I would like to be with are making themselves unvailable and I am not chasing them. For the past two years, I have come home with the same person -- her name is Rose.

I was gonna have brunch with my high school buds, but that fell through, so I am gonna return some gifts, eat Chinese, and have my own private video party at home.

Come to think of it, ten years ago I worked (involuntarily) New Year's Eve, and bitched about it. It was one of the weirder New Years, but little did I know how much my life would change in 1994.

Right now I am eating last week's leftovers, maybe a kind of symbolic ritual?

PEE ALL THAT YOU CAN PEE

In order to get the most out of my health plan before I ditch it or it runs out, whichever comes first, I am getting the most out of it by year's end. I saw the optometrist yesterday and the cardiologist today, the latter of whom ordered a urinalysis and bloodwork. The bloodwork was no problem, but I could not pee for the life of me. I had to drink two large coffees, and the wench in the coffee shop acted as though I had asked her to sacrifice her firstborn when I tried to pay with a twenty. Two years ago, I fell off a curb and wrecked my knee about 15 hours before I changed health plans. I didn't do anything about it, just because of the headaches which would have arisen from using two different health plans. Unfortunately, the knee got infected and looked like a cheese pizza. At least today they didn't have to catheterize me the way they did when I was 16.

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY

Today is my parents' 44th anniversary. They were married New Year's Eve 1959, like Eddie and Elise in the movie Diner. They met at the dinner party of a mutual friend in DC. Mom sez after she got serious about Dad, people started introducing her to other guys. Then, after they were married, some ex came looking for her at work. It figures.

20/20 HINDSIGHT

Well, my dad is doing better than originally suspected. With 20/20 hindsight, Mom said she got a bad tarot reading on him before he went into the hospital. Grandma called to say she had had a bad dream, and I was in a badass mood the whole weekend. After he got out of the hospital, it felt as though a boil had been lanced.

KAZAA #1 FOR THE YEAR

KaZaA is #1 of the Lycos 50 for 2003.

NINE WEEKS

It's been nine weeks since the robbery. About a week ago I was on an elevator with three guys and I thought "If one of them attacks me, I have an umbrella." Of course, one of them has an umbrella with a stiletto point.
In the past week I have seen all kinds of people on TV who suffer horrible afflictions, yet concentrate on being Santa Claus to others, rather than on themselves. I admire them.

Rita and Dallas agree it would be a mistake to rob Cassandra. Rita sez she could talk in her guy voice, Dallas says she would outnumber an attacker three to one, and I say she could either sit on the attacker or show him her incision, therefore fucking him up for life.

SPURRIER RESIGNS

Steve Spurrier resigned this morning. Go Gators?

MAD PIG DISEASE

Picked up the pigs at the vet's. Fowler wanted to know whether they had mad pig disease. I looked like heck, so naturally there was a hot guy there. He sat as far away from me as possible. Lightning is up to 2.4 lbs -- Thunder is up to 2.7. The vet tech called him "fatboy."

DESCENT INTO HELL

"He descended into hell"

The Apostles' Creed

Flew in from Sarasota this morning, the descent both times was murder -- like having nails driven into my eyebrows. It took about seven hours for my right ear to unstop. John Irving calls the Sunday after Thanksgiving the loneliest night of the year, but the Sunday after Christmas and New Year's are not much fun, either, especially if you're sick.

I am also out of shape, broke and my condo's a wreck -- in addition to that I work for men who don't respect me and I date men who don't respect me. There is much room for improvement.

STEINBRENNER HOSPITALIZED

George Steinbrenner has been hospitalized at Sarasota Memorial Hospital, where my parents and a lot of their friends have been patients. I have not been yet.

TOE JOB

Got out of bed long enough to get an eyebrow wax, manicure and pedicure, complete with a new toe ring. I try to convince myself I will someday be able to breathe through my left nostril again.

HAPPY RETURNS

This is the latest I've ever started my post-Christmas shopping. Still, I've already purchased 50% of next year's Christmas cards.

VULGAR ASSHOLES

"where do you pick up these vulgar assholes?"

Mary Hautanen on her daughter's lifestyle choice

Tonight when Madame Chiang Kai Shek and older women who prefer younger men came up, I kept my mouth shut.

TYPHOID JANEY

My parents' friends have invited us over for drinks, provided I don't have a fever. I feel like Typhoid Mary.

WAR IS OVER

If you want it.

MERRY CHRISTMAS

"God bless us each and every one"

Tiny Jane

And thank God for ready-made gift-bags.

YES, VIRGINIA

There is a Santa Claus. For about the last 16 hours I have been running a fever with chills, eating everything I can to clear my head. This is someserious snot.

MAN! I FEEL LIKE A MORON! II

Went to Publix and asked the dumb inbred where the Kosher section was. When this failed, I asked for the international food section. Then it was my turn to feel stupid at Westfield Shopping Town. I went to the piercing booth ad asked what some little round objects were. The nice young woman informed me they were plugs. I bit the bullet and asked which body part they plugged and she told me the ear. Then she showed me her earlobe, which looked red and angry. I wanted to ask "Jesus, that looks painful! Is it infected?" I would not say this was a good advertisement.

TO LOVE SOMEBODY

It's a light,
Certain kind of light
That never shines on me
And I want my life to be
(To live with you)
(To live with you)
There's a way that
Everybody says
I've got to do each and every little thing, yeah,
But what good will it bring
(Iif I ain't got you?)
(If I ain't got you?)
Baby

You don't know what it's like
You don't know what it's like
To love somebody
To love somebody
The way I love you

If I pray,
I see your face again,
And God knows I pray every night
Woman, how could you be so bad?
(Aand I'm sad,)
(So, so sad)
I'm a man, yeah
Can't see what I am
When I'm livin' I'm breathin' you
But what good will breathin' do
(If I ain't got you?)
(If I ain't got you?)
Baby

You don't know what it's like
You don't know what it's like
To love somebody
To love somebody
The way I love you
To love somebody
To love somebody
The way I love you

Yes, I see your face again
Woman, you know I pray every night, yeah
Baby, how could you be so blind?
(And I'm sad,)
(So, so sad)
I'm a full grown man, yeah
Can't you see what I am?
When I'm livin' I breathe with you, yeah,
Yeah, yeah,
But what what good will breathin' do
(If I ain't got you?)
(If I ain't got you?)
God knows, baby (baby)

You don't know what it's like
You don't know what it's like
To love somebody
To love somebody
The way I love you
You don't know what it's like
You don't know what it's like
To love somebody
To love somebody
The way that I love you

To love somebody
To love somebody
The way that I
Love you
To love somebody
To love somebody
The way that I
Love you, baby
(To love somebody, to love somebody) Give it to me, give it to me, give it to me
(The way that I) Baby, baby, I love, I, I love you
(Love you) I love, I love, I love, I love you
(To love somebody, to love somebody) Give it to me, baby. Don't you leave me
(The way that I)You know I need you by my side
(Love you)You're drivin' me crazy. Baby, don't
(To love somebody, To love somebody) Oh, please
Baby, yeah

You don't know what it's like
You don't know what it's like
To love somebody
To love somebody
The way that I...
Love...
- Good God -
You...

To Love Somebody by the Bee Gees.Michael Bolton

Heard this on my parents' car radio. Somehow Michael Bolton can't convey the feeling of anguish Barry Gibb does. As Beavis and Butthead said, Michael Bolton can make any song suck.

HILTON # 1 AGAIN

Paris Hilton is #1 of the Lycos 50 again. Just when you thought it was safe go back to the Internet.

EIGHT WEEKS

Eight weeks since the robbery.

MY COUSIN DAVID

My cousin David died thirty years ago today. He would have been 50 yesterday. We spent Christmas Eve in a funeral home. He bled to death. He was an AB Negative. At the time I was too young to donate. I remember my grandmother's tears flowing down the lid of his casket.

AT MY PARENTS'

Arrived at my parents' yesterday. Feeling pretty bad but better now -- didn't put on clothes until about two hours ago.

SATELLITE

Heard the new Dave Matthews song, Satellite, on Mix 107. It sucks (the song, not Mix 107). It has all of Dave Matthews' insufferable qualities with none of his sufferable ones.

A DREAM

Dreamt I got a job as a wetnurse. Don't know what to make of it.

DARK NIGHT OF THE SOUL

Today is the first day of winter. The sun will go down one minute later each day, but for a while it will start coming up later, too. Can't figure that out, but it will be nice to get at least one minute more of sun every evening.. Having worked nights for at least 13 years, I understand why we have Hanukkah, Christmas, Lucia Day, Yul, Solstice, Divali...

UNHAPPY ANNIVERSARY

On this day in 1988 nearly 300 people were killed in Lockerbie, Scotland. Hard to believe it's been 15 years.

POOFIE TOMATO'S BLOG

Another great blog title taken!

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT

In the last couple weeks I have received fake e-mails claiming to be from Earthlink and E-Bay, saying there is something wrong with my credit card and to e-mail them my information. Right. The "Earthlink" e-mail had a Prodigy return address and I've never bought or sold anything on E-bay in my life. How dumb is that?

THREE DOWN ONE TO GO

Three Christmas parties down, one to go, sent out my last Christmas card yesterday, have all my gifts purchased except one. At least I don't have to bring a covered dish to this party. Or deal with someone's bratty kid picking up lasagne with his bare hands.

NEW COMPUTER

Waiting for the new laptop --ordered it Tuesday.

I BELIEVE IN FATHER CHRISTMAS

They said there'll be snow at Christmas
They said there'll be peace on Earth
But instead it just kept on raining
A veil of tears for the VIRGIN BIRTH
I remember one Christmas morning
A winters light and a distant choir
And the peal of a bell and that Christmas Tree smell
AND EYES full of tinsel and fire

They sold me a dream of Christmas
They sold me a Silent Night
And they told me a fairy story
'Till I believed in the Israelite
And I believed in Father Christmas
And I looked to the sky with excited eyes
'Till I woke with a yawn in the first light of dawn
And I saw him and through his disguise

I wish you a hopeful Christmas
I wish you a brave New Year
All anguish pain and sadness
Leave your heart and let your road be clear
They said there'll be snow at Christmas
They said there'll be peace on Earth
Hallelujah Noel be it Heaven or Hell
The Christmas we get we deserve

by Emerson, Lake and Palmer

Heard this one today. I remember hearing it on Armed Forces Radio during my last December in Germany, thinking, "this may be my last Christmas vacation here." I was about to head back to America out of necessity -- I was spinning my wheels in Germany, but there was really nothing to return to in America, no job, no boyfriend, nothing to look forward to except more school. Little did I now within about three years from then, I would have a master's degree, be an on-air reporter and anchor and meet the love of my life. Three years ago I was a network producer, but not getting the money or respect due one -- within a month I was unemployed. Be interesting to see what's ahead three years from now.

FIRST HANUKKAH

Happy First Hanukkah!

MALVO CONVICTED

Lee Boyd Malvo was convicted today.

BAH, HUMBUG!II

Two Christmas parties down, two to go. Having to bring a covered dish is not festive when you have three jobs. And what about the assholes who bring Tostitos and salsa in the jar when everyone else brings ham, turkey, seafood and nice desserts? Cindy, who commutes from West Virginia and has at least one kid, agrees.

SALUDOS DE LOS TRES AMIGOS

Just when I said nothing to blog about, Christmas greetings from the Three Amigos.

NOTHING TO BLOG ABOUT

Nothing to blog about at this point.

FIRST IN FLIGHT

Today marks the 100th anniversary of the Wright Brothers' first flight. They never had September 11th in mind.

FIRE THIS ASSHOLE

Best blog title I've seen in a long time.

RESTLESS NIGHT

Had a restless night, chest pains, PVC's, trouble breathing, probably sympathy for my father.

THE DEVOURING

Finished Bury Me Standing. To think all this was going on in Europe while I was dealing with housemates and boyfriends in Delaware. Maybe it was a good thing I left Europe when I did.

GOOD THOUGHTS

Good thoughts appreciated.

janedoe@seductive.com

KAZAA # 1

KaZaA is #1 of the Lycos 50. this week. Whew!

SEVEN WEEKS

Seven weeks ago today I was robbed. Today I found out my father was hospitalized over the weekend with acute congestive heart failure. Tuesdays must not be good days.

WHO SHAT IN THE HAT?

Catholic Exchange takes a dim view of The Cat in the Hat. About a year or two ago some guy on All Things Considered referred to the cat as a "polymorphous being of indeterminate sexuality" and to Thing One and Thing Two as genital references. I'd hate to think of what he says about "Hop on Pop" and "there's a Wocket in my Pocket."

RING OF FIRE

Love Is A Burning Thing
And It Makes A Fiery Ring
Bound By Wild Desire
I Fell Into A Ring Of Fire
CHORUS:
I Fell Into A Burning Ring Of Fire
I Went Down, Down, Down
And The Flames Went Higher

And It Burns, Burns, Burns
The Ring Of Fire
The Ring Of Fire

I Fell Into A Burning Ring Of Fire
I Went Down, Down, Down
And The Flames Went Higher

And It Burns, Burns, Burns
The Ring Of Fire
The Ring Of Fire

The Taste Of Love Is Sweet
When Hearts Like Ours Meet
I Fell For You Like A Child
Oh, But The Fire Went Wild
CHORUS
I Fell Into A Burning Ring Of Fire
I Went Down, Down, Down
And The Flames Went Higher

And It Burns, Burns, Burns
The Ring Of Fire
The Ring Of Fire
I Fell Into A Burning Ring Of Fire
I Went Down, Down, Down
And The Flames Went Higher

And It Burns, Burns, Burns
The Ring Of Fire
The Ring Of Fire

And It Burns, Burns, Burns

The Ring Of Fire

The Ring Of Fire

By Johnny Cash

I was about two when I first heard this. Back then I had no idea what he was talking about

HONORED CHILDREN

Here's the story. I work for men who don't pay me what I"m worth or give me the respect I deserve and I date men who won't commit. This weeeknd I rented the Joy Luck Club. I think the characters I relate most to are An Mei's mother and Rose, not knowing what they're worth. After the mother's suicide, Wu Tsing agrees to raise An-Mei and her brother as his honored children--it's too bad someone has to die for An-Mei to realize this. The question is, what do I have to do to get these men to give my what I'm worth, personally, financially, professionally? What do I have to do to be recognized as the honored child?

SADDAM ARRESTED?

ABC reports Saddam Hussein has been arrested in Tikrit.

THE THIRD SUNDAY OF ADVENT

Veni, veni Emmanuel!
Captivum solve Israel!
Qui gemit in exsilio,
Privatus Dei Filio.

Gaude, gaude, Emmanuel
Nascetur pro te, Israel.

Veni, o Sapientia,
Quae hic disponis omnia,
Veni, viam prudentiae
Ut doceas et gloriae.

Gaude, gaude, Emmanuel
Nascetur pro te, Israel.

Veni, veni Adonai!
Qui populo in Sinai
Legem dedisti vertice,
In Majestate gloriae.

Gaude, gaude, Emmanuel
Nascetur pro te, Israel.


Veni, o Jesse virgula,
Ex hostis tuos ungula,
De specu tuos tartari
Educ et antro barathri.

Gaude, gaude, Emmanuel
Nascetur pro te, Israel.

Veni, Clavis Davidica,
Regna reclude caelica,
Fac iter tutum superum,
Et claude vias inferum.

Gaude, gaude, Emmanuel
Nascetur pro te, Israel.


Veni, veni o Oriens!
Solare nos adveniens,
Noctis depelle nebulas,
Dirasque noctis tenebras.

Gaude, gaude, Emmanuel
Nascetur pro te, Israel.

Veni, veni, Rex gentium,
veni, Redemptor omnium,
Ut salvas tuos famulos
Peccati sibi conscios.

Gaude, gaude, Emmanuel
Nascetur pro te, Israel.


janedoe@seductive.com

SICK AND TWISTED PEOPLE

Core did an appearance at the Shops of Bethesda, promoting Miller's furs giveaway and a nearby pet shop. O'Brien sez this is a good thing -- if you don't win the fur coat, you can raise your own.