Monday, May 31, 2004

MEMORIAL DAY

Don't know whether I mentioned it, but members of my family have served in the US Army, Navy, Air Force, Marines and Coast Guard. Three members of my mother's family were generals in the Austro-Hungarian Army. My grandfather, Joseph Vereb was too young to fight in World War I and to old to fight in World War II. My father served in World War II and my maternal grandmother's brother, Louis Kozma, died during training in that same war. My mother's cousin Donald Savko served in Korea, but I think he was too young to have fought in the war. At least two of my cousins fought in Viet Nam. One was wounded.

As I have been working seven days a week for the last month, I have spent most of the day in bed.

Sunday, May 30, 2004

OOPS!

I forgot today was Pentecost. My Catholic Daughters calendar failed to mention this.
TEN YEARS

Ten years ago today I loaded everything into the Reliant and headed from Wilmington to Washington. Basically I left a nice home and nice friends and roommates for a dental plan. I was an on-air reporter, anchor and program host, but I was earning less than 20 thousand dollars a year and was gonna need at least three thousand dollars' worth of dental work and had no dental plan. Also, I didn't love any of the guys I was dating, and the new job was an easy way out.

Now I'm ten years older and at least 30 pounds heavier. My parents and grandmother are still alive, and with the exception of Uncle Henry, all my aunts and uncles who were alive ten years ago are still alive. Unfortunately, several of my friends have lost parents and siblings. We had Macska put to sleep during those ten years and I've been through about a dozen fish. Since then I have also been through three full-time jobs (and am back at one) and gosh knows how many part time jobs. I have been through eight roommates, not counting their children, significant others and pets. I donated the Reliant to charity more than four years ago and since then have become the owner of a condo that has almost doubled in value in less than eight years. Wonder what the next ten years will bring.

Saturday, May 29, 2004

CICADA ATTACK

They're bugs. Deal with it. It's their planet, too.

That being said, I got one in my hair the other day. That wasn't so bad, but then it latched onto the back of my neck and wouldn't let go. It hurt. Then I was walking down Wisconsin Avenue and one of them hooked itself into my scoop-neck t-shirt, crawling down towards my cleavage. I didn't want to hurt it, but it wouldn't let go. Finally I managed to scrape it off with a key and it landed in some bushes. About an hour later I saw a guy bigger than me spill his coffee and nearly fall over to one side.

Kramer's has two cicada cocktails and Willie and Reed's is working on one.

janedoe@seductive.com
WAR

"Is not healthy for children and other living things"

Lorraine Schneider

For those of you who have fought and died for our country, thank you very much. For those of you who have lost a friend or family member in any war, I am so sorry.

Friday, May 28, 2004

WATER MUSIC

Funny this should follow another aquatic post. Heard the "Hornpipe" from Handel's Water Music on WGMS. Handel was ahead of his time. Or did he know how good he'd sound in stereo? When I hosted my own show, I used the "Allegro" from Vivaldi's Mandolin concerto. The "Allegro" from Handel's Water Music was on the same CD -- when I was done with production I'd just let it run -- it was the end of my workweek. For that reason, I associate that movement with sunny Saturday afternoons and freedom.
FLUSH YOU

Last June 23rd I wrote about the women in my building who don't sit on toilet seats because it's part of their "culture" not to. Evidently flushing is not part of their culture either. Now it gets better -- one of them covered the toilet seat with paper towels, never mind the nifty toilet seat covers building management provides. To make things worse, not only did she not flush the toilet, she left the towel-covers there. I was so pissed (pardon my pun) I typed up a sign saying "flush me." Sure enough someone did flush after that and left the sign there -- it's still there and people are now flushing more regularly. Last year I typed a sign saying "if you sprinkle when you tinkle, please be neat and wipe the seat." That stayed there quite a while.

Thursday, May 27, 2004

BUBBA AND/OR GUMP

For the last couple days I have been talking to stupid-ass inbred rednecks on the phone. It's like dealing with the cast of Forest Gump.

Wednesday, May 26, 2004

SLOWER DELAWARE

There is a feature in the latest Post food section titled "Slower Lower Delaware." I would be insulted if I came from there.

Tuesday, May 25, 2004

CICADIAN RHYTHMS

They are so loud you can hear them in the car with the windows closed and the A/C on. I have seen them as high up as the 14th floor -- a welcome diversion from the morons I have to talk to.
ANOTHER RECORD BROKEN

Less than a week later I broke the record I set last Thursday. Not that anyone cares.
BERG #1

The Nick Berg Execution is #1 of the Lycos 50.

Monday, May 24, 2004

TRENDSETTER?

I was quoting the Wonkette before most people and apparently the Washingtonienne is a Blogger user. Evidently I am cooler than I thought.
GHOST ENTREES

Haandi Restaurant refers to its lamb dishes as "Ghost Haandi." I hope to God that's a typo and they meant "gosht."

Sunday, May 23, 2004

GEORGE AND HIS ROOMMATES

My friend George probably had more imaginary roommates than Kevin or his police friend. He used to get mail addressed to:

Mr. A.S. Shole
Mr. A.S. Swipe
Mr. B. Itme
Mr. B.L. Owme
Mr. B. Uttmunch
Mr. B. Uttwipe
Mr. Dick Hertz
Ms E. Atme
Mr. Fuh Kyu
Ms. Ima Loser or (I. Maloser)
Mr. Lew Zerr

Despite their names, George's roommates were not all failures. Mr. Swipe owned a business, "A.S. Swipe Associates." Evidently he was doing very well, because he got offered an American Express Corporate Card. Dick Hertz was very computer literate -- he got lots of stuff from Mac Mall. Mr. Kyu was considering buying a Lincoln Town car and Ms. Atme, although overweight, was well-read, although most of what she read was lesbian literature. One time she got a coupon for free tampons. George informed me one of the housemates had received this gift and I asked "which one?" He yelled "Eat me!" Lew, unfortunately, suffered from ulcerative colitis. I woke up to a message on my answering machine saying "thanks a lot, bitch. Loser got incontinent supplies." Some of the roommates' mail came postage due. When I offered to pay it, George said "do you think I'm going to the post office and admit I'm Lew Zerr?" Ty thinks I'm a terrible person -- for a long time I had George afraid to claim his own mail.
KEVIN AND HIS ROOMMATES

My friend Kevin has a friend who puts him on all kinds of mailing lists. He gets mail addressed to Mr. Adolph Hitler, Mr. Jesus H. Christ and and Mr. Fuh Kyu. When Kevin didn't respond to a company's first offer, they sent a second letter saying "Jesus H. Christ, why haven't we heard from you yet?" Some credit card company sent him an offer saying "Because of your excellent credit record, Mr. Christ, we are extending you our gold card offer." My cousin's wife, who is Assembly of God (they make Southern Baptists look tolerant) said "if he didn't have good credit, who would?"

Kevin had this same friend put on a series of mailing lists addressing stuff to Mr. Home Less Mann, Mr. Sleeponheatinggrate and Mr. V.A. Grant. The ironic thing is, this friend is a city cop.

janedoe@seductive.com

Saturday, May 22, 2004

INJURIES AT HFSTIVAL

Channel 7 reports 25 people were hurt at the HFStival.
SHIT!

I forgot Thursday was Ascension Thursday.

Friday, May 21, 2004

HARD LABOUR

I have been working on this newsfeed for about 28 hours. Having never borne a child, I asked June, who has done a newsfeed and borne two children, whether this is like being in labour. She sez maybe worse. I produced my first multi-part series in graduate school. One of the women in my class said she felt as though she had given birth. After that our chief reporter referred to one of the production assistants, Kimmy Jo, as "midwife KJ."

Thursday, May 20, 2004

BROKEN RECORD

Broke my record at work. I feel like Roger Bannister, Babe Ruth, Lou Gehrig, Cal Ripken Jr., Mark McGwire, Nadia Comaneci etc. Of course, some of them saw their own records broken...

Wednesday, May 19, 2004

STRANGER THAN FICTION

I just saw two physically fit Montgomery County Cops pedalling on bicycles to the scene of a fire where they were actually needed. They were not sitting there like huge vegetables or giving people tickets for jaywalking or telling them not to feed parking meters.

Tuesday, May 18, 2004

BLOOD SIMPLE

Donated about an ounce and a half of blood at NHLBI. As it was a code yellow day, everything went smoothly. Not a bad way to earn $50.00 and if I'm ever missing it won't be hard to identify me. It's also incentive not to commit a crime.
BERG #1

The Nick Berg Execution is #1 on the Lycos 50.
TONY RANDALL DEAD

Tony Randall died in New York after a long illness at age 84. I saw him when I was about 17. He didn't have time to give autographs and said "I owe you one." That's one autograph I'll never get.

Years later I got what looked like a piece of junk mail from Fulbright. I didn't open it until a couple weeks later, and I realized it was an invitation to Senator Fulbright's 88th birthday dinner with President Clinton and Vice President Gore. Two or three years later Fulbright was dead. There will be other dinners.

Monday, May 17, 2004

A SCOTSMAN ON A HORSE

Or actually not on a horse. Saw a guy playing a bagpipe on Connecticut Avenue -- it was about 76 degrees, relative humidity 68%, not very Scottish, although Alexandra Fuller refers to the curiously Scottish Malawian city of Blantyre.
THE FACE THAT LAUNCHED A THOUSAND SHIPS

" Was this the face that launched a thousand ships,
And burnt the topless towers of Ilium?
Sweet Helen, make me immortal with a kiss:
Her lips sucks forth my soul, see where it flies!
Come Helen, come, give me my soul again.
Here will I dwell, for heaven be in these lips,
And all is dross that is not Helena!"

From Christopher Marlowe's Faustus

"Let us sail. Sail with Fogarty's chin to Alexandria...A thousand years passed since Agamemnon said 'Don't open the gates, who the hell needs a wooden horse that size'...True, Homer was blind, and that accounted for why he dated those particular women."

"Fogarty, incidentally, was a friend of Bernard Shaw's and was once permitted to touch Shaw's beard, provided he would go away...O'Shawn was obsessed with the Trojan war. He could not believe an army could be so stupid as to accept a gift from its enemy during wartime. Particularly when they got close to the wooden horse and heard giggling inside."

From Without Feathers, by Woody Allen

janedoe@seductive.com
GOING TO THE CHAPEL

Massachusetts is allowing its first same-sex messages. I got an e-mail from my first love, who turned out to be gay. He lives in Boston.
BROWN VS THE BOARD OF EDUCATION

Today marks the 50th anniversary of the Brown vs the Board of Education decision. I like Al Bundy's quote "if there were any trial here, it would be Bundy vs the Board of Education."

Sunday, May 16, 2004

HELTER SKELTER

Saw the new version of Helter Skelter. When I read the book, I was house-sitting for the neighbors. I expected the house to be littered with bodies every time I went to feed the fish. Hard to believe Linda Kasabian is a grandmother. I have been a star witness in two trials, if you can call them trials.

Saturday, May 15, 2004

STOP AND SMELL THE CICADAS

Or something like that.

Stopped at Bon Air Park after work. For those of you who don't live around here, a nanny and child were attacked across the road. The roses are beautiful, but either they don't have much smell or my nose is stuffed up. Didn't see any live cicadas, but I did see some dead ones and some cicada shells.

Last time they were here I was out of the country, as I was for much of the '80's. Before that, I either had chicken pox or was recovering from them. What I remember most was the buzzing. Even though I was feeling fine, I still had to stay home, as the Falls Church Public School system did not allow kids with open lesions to attend school. The weather was nice, so I remember lying in the back yard in a lounge chair. I could use another good illness now.

Friday, May 14, 2004

COULD YOU BE ANY GEEKIER?

Saw a bunch of tourists in matching T-shirts at the Woodley Park Metro.

Chris, who sent me the remedy for constipation on April 14th, sent me
this one:

Subject: Warning to DC Tourists

Attention Tourists
It has been called to the attention of the DC Tourism Authority that rules
need to be implemented in order to protect tourists from DC natives. If
you follow the following guidelines you will enjoy your stay in DC, and you
will remain alive.

1) WALKING.
It has become painfully obvious that as a tourist, walking somehow escapes
you. Your entire family/school group needn't walk at a snail's pace in a
skirmish line, thereby effectively blocking anyone else's passage. This
makes DC natives extremely unpleasant. "Move, you idiot!" is not a standard
complimentary greeting, but you should expect to hear it often. DC Law now
allows District natives to eat the youngest child in your group if you are
found in violation of this law.

2) METRO ETIQUETTE.
We know. You don't have these new-fangled train systems in Alabama. If its
not a Ford F150, you are totally confused. However, you must be aware the
following procedures when riding the Metro, otherwise you could find
yourself checked into the Rain-Man Suite of the Hotel Smack down.

Escalators-Yes, they are stairs and yes they move. Its called technology.
However, it's not Disney world or Opryland. You must stand on the right and
walk on the left. Standing on the left could result in serious bodily
injury.You don't belong there. Your children don't belong there. Your
scenthound Geech (unless he is a seeing eye scenthound) does not belong
there. Walk on the left. DC Law now allows residents to eliminate tourists
by any means necessary in order to keep the left moving. When you reach the
top/bottom of the escalator, MOVE! Don't debate where the Smithsonian is.
Don't decide to do a headcount. Since the stairs move, chances are other
people will be behind you.

Platforms-Generally when the doors open on a train, people are going to get
off. Its not an invitation to weasel on for that choice seat near the map.
(Don't worry, we'll get to the map.) DC residents are allowed to push you
and all your children onto the tracks for violating this one.
Subway Cars-The pole is not the one you dance on at the nudie bar back in
your white trash trailer existence at home. Don't hug it, lick it or hump
it. Other people may want to use it for holding on. You can be groped
legally if you are humping the pole.

Maps-The trains are color coded. Its not rocket science. No matter how many
times you look at the map, you cannot change the direction of the train.
Look once, maybe ask someone. But don't stay there staring at the map for 8
hours. The Law currently allows DC natives to pee on map gawkers.

Your Two Cents-No one asked you to butt into a conversation. So don't. Your
children's eyes can be removed legally for this offense. Also staring and
smiling. Don't do it, or someone is allowed to pop a cap in your butt.

3) EXTERNAL BEHAVIOR
Lunch-DC natives have the uncanny knack of going out between the hours of
12 and 2 PM on weekdays and buying themselves some food for consumption.
Yes, we know its a whole lot to ask since you must be so hungry from doing
nothing all day, but BRING YOUR OWN LUNCH!! Nothing is more disheartening
than standing in line at your favorite lunch place while 50 foul mouthed
urchins debate pepperoni vs. regular / thin vs. thick crust. DC law allows
natives to disembowel tourists if the lines are too long.

Dinner-"Hey this bar looks good. Let's bring all of our children to this
authentic DC watering hole. It's smokey and full of Washingtonians blowing
off steam from a hard day. The word 'f...' replaces the article 'the.'
There are college kids every where attempting to get into each others'
pants." So of course, there is no better place for your children and you to
get a bite. Stick to Planet Hollywood and Hard Rock. We don't go there, so
don't go
into our bars. DC Law forces violating tourists to pay everyone else's bar
tab for the remainder of the night. Hope you brought your AMEX.

4) Dress Code-we had no choice but to implement a dress code in the
District. You people are just too nasty. Do you watch what your children
are wearing? If your daughter is 14 and weighs 200 lbs, chances are she
should not be wearing a cut-off T-shirt and pants so tight, her gut has a
gut. Stupid hats, visors, sunglasses and those shirts that your entire
group has made just for this trip must be left at your hotels. People who
violate the dress code of the district, which just requests that you dress
reasonably, will be deported.

So there it is. If y'all don't like it, visit Virginia. It's for lovers,
after all. And whiskey tangos. You'll fit right in.



TEACHER, TEACHER

Young love, teacher's pet
Cheeks flushed apple red
Ringing you every day
Begging for a word of praise
I've put aside my foolish games
I run and hide and call names
School's out, the bells'll ring
Now's the time to teach me everything

Teacher, teacher, teach me love
I can't learn fast enough
Teacher, teacher, teach me more
I've got to learn to love for sure

Lesson one just begun
Growing up, English fun
Grown up, out of school
Out of luck and out of rules
No one there to tell me how
A different world - teacher, teacher, teach me now

Teacher, teacher, teach me love
I can't learn fast enough
Teacher, teacher, teach me more
I've got to learn to love for sure

Lesson two nothing new
I can't love, just passing through

The books I read don't understand
What it means to be a man
I need a woman just like you
Teacher, teacher, teach me what to do

Teacher, teacher, teach me love
I can't learn fast enough
Teacher, teacher, teach me more
I've got to learn to love for sure

from the Rockpile album Seconds of Pleasure

Thursday, May 13, 2004

SIGHTS AND SOUNDS OF THE CITY

Had dinner at the China Cafe. Some guy had a cell phone that played the theme from Bewitched. Very Loudly. Saw some anti-war protesters on their way to Donald Rumsfeld's house. A couple guys took off their shirts and put them over their faces like masks. Don't know whether that was a tribute to the prisoners or what. At least one should have left his shirt on. Didn't join them, despite my opposition to the war in Iraq, which has probably cost me a lot of hours. Then I saw the guys with the horns on Dupont Circle. No, they were playing horns, not wearing them or growing them. Saw a pair of ducks waddling around near the fountain. When I was in college, I thought that would be a great life -- swim, sleep, have sex, have people feed me. Then I saw Catherine.
FALLEN BROTHER

Just talked with Jay Shur at WCHE in West Chester to ask him whether he was able to air the press release I'd faxed him. He said, no, it had been a hectic week. Nicholas Berg, the man executed in Iraq, had been his tower guy, so I wrote in my notes "tower guy executed in Iraq."

Wednesday, May 12, 2004

BLOG YOU, TOO

Blogger has changed its format, and not for the better :(

Tuesday, May 11, 2004

IRAQ #1

The war in Iraq is #1 of the Lycos 50.

Monday, May 10, 2004

POLITICALLY INCORRECT HUMOUR

Saw two birds fucking on Connecticut Avenue. Reminds me of a joke the husband of a former co-worker told me: "A little Indian boy asks his father, 'Father, how do we get our names?' The father says 'when your brother was born I looked out the teepee and saw a herd of running buffalo so I named your brother 'Running Buffalo.' When your sister was born the first thing I saw when I looked out the teepee was a silver cloud, so I named her 'Silver Cloud,' but why do you ask me, Two Dogs Fucking?"
PLEASANTLY SURPRISED

It's been an afternoon of pleasant surprises. A couple days, actually.

Sunday, May 09, 2004

IN THE NAME OF RESEARCH

This morning, a Sunday, and Mother's Day at that, some asshole from M and T Bank calls saying he's not selling anything, he's doing "research." Come on, whom do you think you're fooling? Ever since the Do Not Call List was instituted, telemarketers have called under the guise of "research." I hung up on him.
MOTHER'S DAY

"Hey, yunga ho, yunga hey, yah yah
Hey, yunga ho, yunga hey, yah yah"

"The Earth is our mother, we must take care of her"

Native American Chant recorded by Kiva
My mom is now wearing a toe ring (she said she bought it for me, but she is wearing it until next time she sees me, which is fine with me, as I have two) and she wants Dad to get her a DVD player for Mother's Day. I'm so proud of her.



Saturday, May 08, 2004

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY, BABY

One year ago today I picked up my beloved Thunder, the incredible expanding pig from the Alexandria Shelter.

Friday, May 07, 2004

MEDICINE WHEEL

Jonathan Goldman from Healing Sounds writes:

Dear Sound Friends:

As many of you know, this week-end promises to be a powerful and
transformative time. There are many different gatherings, including of course, a giant
Medicine Wheel Ceremony on May 8th, and a very large peace prayer occurring at
Mt. Fuji in Japan. There are additional ceremonies happening throughout this
week-end. Great prayers, mantras and blessings for Mother Earth will envelope
the globe during this sacred and epoch making weekend.
For those unable to join these events in person, perhaps we could resonate
together this Saturday, May 8th at 12 noon (New York Time) sounding for five
minutes with a planetary "Om", sending our Blessings of Light & Love through
Sound to the planet. Feel the energy of peace and compassionate in your heart and
then sound forth with an "Om". We may not be able to see each other or hear
each other, but our sound and our intention will make a difference. We'll be
assisting in sending evolutionary frequencies throughout the planet!
Thank you!

The leader of the local mitral valve prolapse support group writes:
"I got some favorable response last time I let people know about the sound
healing day. It is time for another one.If you are not up to
much, just a 2 second "hmmm" with the intention of peace and healing while lying
in your recliner between the noon and 1pm hour is plenty to participate. Our
kind of activity!"
SERGIO WAGON

On November 19th I wrote about Sergio and his little red wagon. This morning in Chevy Chase I saw some little kids with a wagon. I had to smile. I first realized I was an adult when I was about 27 years old. My task mistress editor, may she rest in peace, sent me to the beach (a dirty job, but someone has to do it) and I stopped at Grotto's Pizza on Rehoboth Avenue. I saw a lady in her late 20's or early 30's with a little blonde girl about two or three years old. It could have been my mom and me 20 years before that. Then I realized I was there to work, not to play.

Thursday, May 06, 2004

IT'S OVER

In case you missed the Friends finale, Erica had twins, Mike and Phoebe decided they wanted to have their own baby, Ross told Rachel he loves her again and she decided not to go to Paris, Joey gave Monica and Chandler a new chick and duck and Monica dismantled the foozball table. Then they all went out for coffee. Next season Joey will solo in his own show -- it's supposed to be called "Joey."

OK, what I liked and didn't like: Why do we see so little of Mike? For God's sake, Phoebe is married to him, so why is she still spending more time with the others? Why the hell did Rachel listen to Ross? Doesn't she have a career to think of? And why didn't Ross follow her to Paris instead? Ok, so maybe I am bitter -- on January 13th I told a guy I loved him, and he told me to forget I ever met him. And two other men, one of whom I loved, one of whom I didn't, married other women and moved to other states (one to another time zone) to get away from me. OK, so that's only partially true. One is divorced and the other's marriage is on the rocks, and I'm not sure I would marry one, I definitely wouldn't marry the other one. But I digress.

Watching Monica dismantle the foozball table was a little weird, even though it was only a piece of furniture. Now we know what happened to the original chick and duck, and it's not pretty.

After so many years, you see TV shows come and go -- I Dream of Jeannie, The Odd Couple, Barney Miller, The Carol Burnett Show, The Mary Tyler Moore Show, St. Elsewhere, Cheers, Seinfeld and Ellen come to mind. Gee, I am getting old. Friends debuted about ten years, eleven housemates and 32 pounds ago. I was working at the parent network of one of the stations I work for now. Do things remain the same the more they change?
A FAREWELL TO FRIENDS

Tonight is the final season for Friends. To be honest, I haven't been keeping up with it much this season -- kind of feeling bummed out over the direction everybody's taking -- sort of like watching my own friends drift apart. In a way, I kind of grew up with the friends, kind of like the Facts of Life girls in the '80's. I was in my 20's when the last Thirtysomething came to an end, but when it came on in repeats when I was in my '30's, boy, could I relate!

I didn't watch Friends much in the first season or two -- my life wasn't going the way I wanted it, and I figured why watch attractive people having fun living the trendy urban lifestyle I wanted to lead. Never mind they could live in great apartments in a chichi neighborhood and drink expensive coffee most of the day when they were either unemployed or worked low-paying part-time jobs.

Here are, in no particular order, my favorite episodes:

1) Barry's Wedding

2) Carol's Wedding

3) Duncan Comes Back

4) Monica Dates Richard's Son

5) Joey Tries to Read Little Women

6) Joey dances with Treeger

7) Heckles Dies

8) Chandler's Mom Visits

9) Monica/Not Monica

10) The Fantasy Episode

11) Amy comes for Thanksgiving

12) Phoebe's Birthday

13) Joey's Dad Comes to Visit

The best lines by character (alphabetically)

Chandler:

1) Could we be any more white trash?

2) Joey is having an embolism

3) You don't get custody of Joey

4) Joey turns into the Rain Man

5)Shut up, you're not my real mom

6) My thing was in there with me

7) Of a cough apparently

Joey:

1) Chandler is doing the best he can

2) And I'd pee on any one of you if I had to

3) Big ring!

4) I'm Joey, I'm disgusting

Monica:

1) I am so spoiled

2) Throw a girl's wooden leg in the fire, live in a box

3) I'm Monica, I'm disgusting

4) Not one that can pee on the roof

5) I'm that stupid

Phoebe:

1) Oh, my God. What am I doing?

2) That is so freaky--someone turn him off!I

3) It's because of things like this that you're burning in hell

4) I'm sorry I broke your dog

5) It's Le Poo now, but It'll get better

5) No body wants a ghost

Rachel:

1) It's like inviting a Greek tragedy over for dinner

2) I'm a slut

3) You just click when they click

4) I've got magic beans

5) And eats chicken

6) I'm not that bright either

7) You want me to run his head under hot water and bang his head on the table?

8) It's a good thing you're pretty

Ross:

1) My wife's a lesbian and I'm not one. And evidently it's not a mix and match situation

2) I married a lesbian just to make you look good

3) Officiating at tonight's blackout is Rabbi Tribbiani

4) I can't get Marcel to stop eating the bathmat

5) I'm saying Monica was that fat



Lines by guests:

1) The guy was Lou Gehrig. Didn't you kinda see it coming?

2) A little weird, but it's getting there

3) Being with her is so much better than not being with her

4) We haven't seen an anus that bad since the '70's

5) No, Rachel, beef was not meant to go into a trifle. It did not taste good

6) This is weird

7) Don't make on the floor

8) You're that stupid

9) Your fat friend's brother with the bad afro

10) Who's the new tense girl?

11) Why are you like that?

12) Now I'm sad

13) Chandler, say something funny

14) She doesn't have a pretty face

15) Are you one of the retarded cousins?


The best non-verbal moments:

1) Monica faints

2) Joey French-kisses Rachel's mom

3) Three of them throw drinks in Joey's face

4) Janice and Chandler re-united

5) Nana comes back to life

6) The still photo in the coffee house

7) Phoebe pulls Monica and Rachel up by the ears

8) Everyone kills Heckles

9) Phoebe and Rachel tackle Ross

10) Phoebe tackles Ross

11) Ross and Joey take a nap

12) Monica and Rachel explain sex to Chandler

13) "Tradition"

14) Joey and the encyclopedia man

15) Joey breaks up Ross and Rachel

16) Rachel shoos the birds away with a towel

17) Bruce Willis can't stop crying

18) Joey's mom closes the sofa

Wednesday, May 05, 2004

CATHOLIC DILEMNA

Last nite I saw a sign that said "lost cat." Whom am I supposed to pray to for the return of the cat? St. Francis of Assissi, friend of animals and patron of Catholic action, or St. Anthony, patron of lost objects?

janedoe@catholicexchange.com

Tuesday, May 04, 2004

HILTON #1

Paris Hilton is #1 of the latest Lycos 50.

Monday, May 03, 2004

THE MCDONALD'S OF HEALTH CARE PLANS

My old plan runs out at the end of next month, so I ditched it for the Wal-mart of health care plans. With the old one, I was paying $318/mo for medical, dental and optical, with the new one I pay $162/mo just for medical. There, I get to choose between doctors who graduated from the University of Bangladesh, the University of Addis Abeba and the University of Madrid. The guy I currently go to is a Harvard graduate who is also head of the coronary care unit at Georgetown University Hospital. Since I've been going to him for almost six years, I think I'll stick with him and pay out of pocket, thank you.
THAT WAS BEN AFFLECK?

The Wonkette was also at the correspondents' dinner and had the same impression of Ben Affleck that I did, although I did not find him "jowly." Actually I thought I copyrighted that term, just as Roberts says I copyrighted the term "fuckhead." I didn't even recognize him -- I just thought he was just another PR hack (lord knows, he looked and dressed like one).

Sunday, May 02, 2004

CURIOUSER AND CURIOUSER

I first saw Elena's website on another guy's blog, the friend of a friend of a friend, last month, but planned to save it for May Day or the Chernobyl anniversary. Since then, I've had conflicting information on the Internet -- in one version she writes in broken English, on another her English is almost perfect. She says she can no longer afford to keep the site going, yet Angelfire, is a free provider. I wonder what the truth is -- is she being harrassed, either by fans or by the Ukranian government, or is she really satisfied that her work is done? Also, I tried to log onto her site on one of the computers at work and was denied access because of "objectionable content" or danger of virus infection. I was not denied access to the Smitten Kitten.

Despite my supposed anti-nuclear pontificating, I realize the Chernobyl plant was there to provide power, and I am not typing this on a wood-burning or steam-powered computer. You are probably not reading it on one, either.

Below are four different versions of the site:

www.kiddofspeed.com

http://vincent.vanscherpenseel.nl/chernobyl

http://www.angelfire.com/extreme4/kiddofspeed/

http://vincent.vanscherpenseel.nl/

Coincidentally, today is my paternal grandmother's birthday. Her maiden name was Hilda Elena Kuvaja. I guess she started the family tradition of marrying younger men. Her father had three wives (one after the other) and at least eleven other children.
SISTERS, OH SISTERS

Support feminist sex toy sites. Or something like that.

Saturday, May 01, 2004

CORRESPONDENTS' DINNER

Went to the White House Correspondents' Dinner. Kind of like a middle-aged high school reunion. Saw Al Franken, Geraldo Rivera, Matt Drudge, the Greenspans and the Powells. The wheel goes 'round and 'round and soon the bottom fly will be on the top and the top fly will be on the bottom.
MAY DAY

Happy May Day! To see a time capsule of a Marx-Leninist Paradise, click here.