DAY 42

Today is the Feast of St. Andrew: http://www.twoheartsdesign.com/prayers/standrew.html

I have been reciting this novena since I was 12 and don't think I ever got what I prayed for but I'm not giving up....

janedoe@seductive.com 

JANEY'S NEW BABY

Janey and Pepsi proudly announce their newest family member. His name is Patapsco, formerly "Cyclone" and he is an 11-month-old dark grey neutered American boar adopted from the Baltimore Humane Society, hence the name. We think he will be a satin. He was surrendered to the Humane Society on or around October 27th or 28th, date of birth given was December 28th, 2011. HIs official adoption date was November 27th of this year, his weight on that date was 2 lb, 1 oz. This was the bio on the society web page:

"Hi everyone! My name is CYCLONE, and I'm looking to blow my way into your heart! I was originally "bought" from a "pet store" by someone who unfortunately didn't realize that they have allergies, which they were unable to manage. Luckily, I was brought to BHS in the hopes of finding a true forever home. I'm looking for a nice, piggy-savvy family with whom to settle down; and in return, I'll be a wonderful companion. Please stop by to meet me soon; I can't wait to start my new life with you!"

As soon as he got home he impressed us by showing us how cute and smart he was.

Special thanks to Tom Grooms from Mix 107 (Cumulus DC) and Dave McCallister from Radio One Baltimore for giving me good references--we hope this will also cement good relations between the Humane Society and two major radio groups.

DIFFICULT PATIENT

I am not a fun patient to examine, or to massage. I still flinch, startle etc.

DAY 41

Saw five cop cars in or near the park and one woman being led away in cuffs.
Apparently the homeless people are actually paying attention to me. Now if I could get the attention of peeps with money. And a place to live....

I HATE IT WHEN THAT HAPPENS

It's so depressing when drag queens make fun of you. But I still think my ass looks better than theirs.

janedoe@seductive.com

ON THE BALL

Todays Powerball drawing may be a record one. I have no money for tickets. I have no money for gas. I had to borrow 20 dollars so I could be LESS overdrawn.

janedoe@seductive.com

DAY 40

Wow, like the flood, 40 days and 40 nights. Or like Lent.

janedoe@seductive.com

I SAILED MY SHIP OF SAFETY...

'til I sank it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HUgwM1Ky228

THE ITP FACTOR

Linda Ellerbee used the term I.T.P. to refer to "indignity to person." Mammographies are an indignity to one's person and this was even before her mastectomy.

DAY 39

Waiting for my mammography but not worried--I am told I have great boobs.

HOW WILL I KNOW?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m3-hY-hlhBg

And how will you know how crazy in love I am with you? And how hard it is for me to be in the same room with you and pretend I don't even notice you?

Just sayin'

janedoe@seductive.com

DAY 38

Today is Cyber Monday. I spent $7.09 online to buy business cards.

janedoe@seductive.com

'TIS THE (SUNDAY) NIGHT AFTER THANKSGIVING

And what John Irving refers to as "conceivably the loneliest" night of the year.

SOUTHERN DISCOMFORT

Watched Cat on a Hot Tin Roof--the Deep South, surgery, ambulances, alcoholism, other drugs, homsexuality. Paul Newman has Elizabeth Taylor in a slip begging for sex. And shirtless Newman--yummy.

DAY 37

Have not started my Christmas card/gift list, that is usually finished Thanksgiving night ):

WEEK

Getting colder, gas prices well under $4.00/gallon in most places around here.

SWEETNESS

A cute guy said to me "do you work in a bakery, 'cos you're a cutie pie." I don't normally get that--I am just grateful people don't beat me and my friends up and steal our money.

GHETTO BITCHES IN SPANDEX

A refers to the chicks who come out of Bukom as "ghetto bitches in Spandex." Some of them have buttocks twice as wide as my whole body. B is intrigued by this. As morally repulsed as I am by this I offered to send some his way. The guy may have saved my life, I owe him one. I don't want to charge him a fee, but should I charge the bitches? Is it fair to do this to him? Or to the bitches?

SMALL BUSINESS SATURDAY

I generally try to support small business, including my own, and not just one day a year. But last year on SBS:

1. I had an unpleasant encounter with a small business owner and the camera crew trying to promote said event. Way to treat a longtime neighbourhood resident who tries to support you all year 'round.

2. Tryst had no Wifi on Saturdays, which I remembered AFTER I ordered my drink.

3. I got hassled by Romany and some homeless-looking person.

4. I ended up spending more time and money than I would have at Mac's, *$ etc.

This year the main small biz I tried to support was closed for the WHOLE WEEKEND. The other one was closed for good. I ended up buying a box of teabags and two cans of soup at Metro K Supermarket.

DAY 36

Five weeks ago today we were robbed. Two weeks ago I had two pigs instead of one.

HAGMAN DEAD

Larry Hagman died.

Three phases in my life:

1) I Dream of Jeannie and my childhood

2) Dallas, high school, undergraduate school, graduate school and Wilmington

3) The new Dallas, a new generation

janedoe@seductive.com

IT'S FRIDAY

I tried to make it a black one, spent $5.08 on tea/soda at Tyson's (ripoff!) where Marco was making an appearance.

janedoe@seductive.com

DAY 35

A Christmas classic with which to start the generic winter holiday season: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MgIwLeASnkw

For me "the winter holidays" start with Thanksgiving and end with Valentine's Day, Mardi Gras or Chinese New Year, whichever comes last.

From now until January second things will be weird. janedoe@seductive.com 

THE MOST PROFOUND THING I'VE HEARD ALL DAY

G says "in some fucked up [sic] incestual way, we're all family."

THINGS FOR WHICH I AM THANKFUL

1) My mom and I still alive.

2) Pepsi and Peppy are still alive.

3) I have a place to live.

4) And in spite of everything I feel protected. Cherished even.

DAY 34

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

The best Friends Thanksgiving ever: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RU5k3OcRDSo

Probably the second best was the one in which Joey ends up as the VD Poster Boy.

DAY 33

Not such a bad night in AdMo. No one's hit me or thrown anything at me and a nice bouncer told me he threw a guy's ass out for hassling me last weekend.

janedoe@seductive.com

DAY 32

Applied to be in a clinical trial at NIH but they turned me down. Apparently I'm too damaged. Last time I wasn't damaged enough.

DAY 31

I never would have thought of tequila body shots. But Tequila and lime juice can burn as well as salt: http://www.tequila-shots.com/Drinks.htm

janedoe@seductive.com

VANILLA SKY

Watched that this afternoon while emailing about Perpetua's death and the robbery.

DAY 30

They say when G-d closes a door he opens a window. Sometimes he opens the door again, even if for a little while. Sometimes he opens another door. Sometimes he opens a crawlspace. As I said yesterday, it is what it is.

IT'S LIKE WHAT I TOLD BOBBLEHEAD ABOUT LESBIAN SEX

It is what it is.

APPARENTLY I AM A MAGNET FOR CRIME

But at least I can prove where I was at the time: http://www.wtop.com/109/3123525/Two-men-stabbed-at-Woodley-Park-Metro-Station

DAY 29

Four weeks ago today we were robbed. One week ago today I had two pigs instead of one.

DAY 28

Today is the feast of St. Margaret of Scotland, my patroness: http://catholicexchange.com/st-margaret-of-scotland

janedoe@seductive.com

DAY 27

It was a dull evening until E left her smartphone unattended and one of her co-workers posted "omg I just sharted again, some please help me. I have lumpy yoga pants."

www.facebook.com/snipercatcher

A says leaving your computer (phone) unlocked like that is beyond stupid.

DAY 26

Why is my life so much like a Woody Allen Movie? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pid1z7Ly7Hs&feature=relmfu

janedoe@seductive.com

DAY 25

It just gets weirder. The Mellow Mushroom is having drag queen bingo tomorrow night. With my luck they probably look/dress better than I do.

DAY 24

Veteran's Day.

Woke up in horrible pain this morning. The good thing about being a massage therapist is knowing what to do for it, the bad thing is not having anyone to massage you. BTW, aspirin really is the wonder drug that works wonders.

janedoe@seductive.com

DAY 23

Mom told me not to go to church for fear of infecting anyone: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rKaQzQAlNn4

WEEK

DAY 22

"Little" Perpetua died. My heart is too numb to be broken.

DAY 21

David Petraeus resigned. All the networks are leading with it.

janedoe@seductive.com

ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS...

It's not Thanksgiving and already they're playing this at Millies: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HS7_v26k-rI&list=UUEQyJK7h8dTy4DhwcjsUfZw&index=13&feature=plcp

Another generic winter holiday favourite: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z8LmMtScH3g

DAY 20

Amazing how an incredibly horrible morning can turn into a lovely afternoon.

DAY 19

My throat hurts and I'm having nightmares. Gonna take an Ambien.

janedoe@seductive.com

DAY 18

Obama won again. Fuck. Four more years of this. At least Biden's entertaining.

DAY 17

My brain is turning into Jell-O

BLANKET APOLOGY:

To anyone I have yelled at, addressed by the wrong name, etc

"I AM THE BAD THINGS...

...that happen to good people."

Ellen DeGeneres

Two guys practically save my life and the lord G-d rewards them by sending them a fire. There really is no fucking justice. A bright spot: the Smoothie King guy feels sorry for me and gives me a free drink.

DAY 16

At *$ in AdMo' running out of steam. Incentive to keep going-there is pizza after 5:30 mass: http://stmatthewscathedral.org/join/young-adults

WEEK

DAY 15

Two weeks since the robbery. Doctor gave me a script for Ambien, didn't even have to ask.  Studs are saying if THEY had walked me home, it wouldn't have happened. Ok, but where were they THEN?

I THINK I'LL WRITE A BOOK

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dI1keSSwdcI

janedoe@seductive.com

DAY 14

Possible jumper off the Duke Ellington Bridge last night, confirmed fatal shooting in Northeast this morning.

janedoe@seductive.com

WORST HALLOWEEN EVER

That's what I was going to say. But I was pleasantly surprised. E feels bad about the assholes stealing my Mac's coupons so she sez she'll buy me a Mac. And apparently I have multiple men vying for my attention.

DAY 13

Today is All Saints' Day, a holy day of obligation. Actually got my ass into church.