FREE AT LAST
Last day at my job. I wasn't so happy to quit my job at Burger King.I didn't realize until this one that there are worse things to do than public relations. Some people consider both jobs a form of prostitution.
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
THE ACCIDENTAL TOURIST
MSNBC reports the man infected with a drug-resistant strain of tuberculosis was advised not to travel but didn't want to miss his wedding in Greece or his honeymoon in Italy. Yet he "he feared he might die without treatment in the U.S." and managed to get himself back here rather than be treated in Italy. He tells the Atlanta Journal-Constitution "I’m a very well-educated, successful, intelligent person...this is insane to me that I have an armed guard outside my door when I’ve cooperated with everything other than the whole solitary-confinement-in-Italy thing."
Yet my mother is not allowed to fly with an eight-ounce tube of Mary Kay Satin Hands Cream.
MSNBC reports the man infected with a drug-resistant strain of tuberculosis was advised not to travel but didn't want to miss his wedding in Greece or his honeymoon in Italy. Yet he "he feared he might die without treatment in the U.S." and managed to get himself back here rather than be treated in Italy. He tells the Atlanta Journal-Constitution "I’m a very well-educated, successful, intelligent person...this is insane to me that I have an armed guard outside my door when I’ve cooperated with everything other than the whole solitary-confinement-in-Italy thing."
Yet my mother is not allowed to fly with an eight-ounce tube of Mary Kay Satin Hands Cream.
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
PUBLIC SERVANTS ANNOUNCEMENT
The CDC reports some people may be at risk for a strain of antibiotic-resistant tuberculosis. The infected man flew from Atlanta to Paris on May 12 and from Prague to Montreal on the 24th. At least he wasn't in DC, Sarasota, Charlotte, Miami or San Juan.
The CDC reports some people may be at risk for a strain of antibiotic-resistant tuberculosis. The infected man flew from Atlanta to Paris on May 12 and from Prague to Montreal on the 24th. At least he wasn't in DC, Sarasota, Charlotte, Miami or San Juan.
Monday, May 28, 2007
MY LAST DAY ON SCHEDULE
This is how it goes:
Noon: I call reservations and ask if they have anything for me. They say no, not until 8:00 PM. I go back to sleep.
12:40 Reservations calls me and sez there’s been a mistake in scheduling, can I be at the Hotel T____ ASAP? I get there at about 1:20 and am told the guest didn’t want a massage after all and had already checked out.
6:00 I go to the Hotel M____ for a couples massage. Evidently these people have never spent much time in DC. They insist on having the windows open with no air conditioning. In addition to sweating like pigs my partner and I have to listen to dogs, helicopters and sirens outside.
7:20 I am told the next hotel where I am massaging doesn’t provide tables, so I have to head back home and get mine.
7:57 I arrive at the hotel. The client is an ugly fat little man dressed in the fancy hotel-issued bathrobe. He obviously can’t wait for his massage. He asks if I’m gonna check his blood pressure. His English is terrible. He has little things that look like fibromas all over his neck and shoulders, which are really unpleasant to touch and I’m afraid I’ll tear one off. He asks me if I’m married and stares at me as though I were food and tries that trick of brushing his hand against me when I get near him. He insists on being massaged naked and doesn’t want the sheet over him. He is disappointed when the massage ends, even though I gave him the full 50 minutes. He says something like “I thought it would be more.” The little fucker gives me a five-dollar tip on a $135.00 massage. Prick.
janedoe@seductive.com
This is how it goes:
Noon: I call reservations and ask if they have anything for me. They say no, not until 8:00 PM. I go back to sleep.
12:40 Reservations calls me and sez there’s been a mistake in scheduling, can I be at the Hotel T____ ASAP? I get there at about 1:20 and am told the guest didn’t want a massage after all and had already checked out.
6:00 I go to the Hotel M____ for a couples massage. Evidently these people have never spent much time in DC. They insist on having the windows open with no air conditioning. In addition to sweating like pigs my partner and I have to listen to dogs, helicopters and sirens outside.
7:20 I am told the next hotel where I am massaging doesn’t provide tables, so I have to head back home and get mine.
7:57 I arrive at the hotel. The client is an ugly fat little man dressed in the fancy hotel-issued bathrobe. He obviously can’t wait for his massage. He asks if I’m gonna check his blood pressure. His English is terrible. He has little things that look like fibromas all over his neck and shoulders, which are really unpleasant to touch and I’m afraid I’ll tear one off. He asks me if I’m married and stares at me as though I were food and tries that trick of brushing his hand against me when I get near him. He insists on being massaged naked and doesn’t want the sheet over him. He is disappointed when the massage ends, even though I gave him the full 50 minutes. He says something like “I thought it would be more.” The little fucker gives me a five-dollar tip on a $135.00 massage. Prick.
janedoe@seductive.com
Sunday, May 27, 2007
Saturday, May 26, 2007
A RESURRECTION
In the play The Miracle Worker Anne Sullivan says “I think G-d must owe me a resurrection.” A blind orphan daughter of immigrant parents who herself grew up in an asylum she felt G-d owed her something.
I spend my time in boutique hotels massaging women who sleep with attractive men and go sightseeing and attend wine-tastings – all the things I want. I get paid to make other people’s vacation or business trips nice and get raked over the coals if I’m ten minutes late for a massage which was foisted on me at the last minute and which I wasn’t trained for anyway. And what happens when I go on vacation? I don’t get the room I pay for and end up looking like something out of a first-aid manual and the manicurist is late. I figure if G-d doesn’t owe me a resurrection, at least he owes me a vacation.
In the play The Miracle Worker Anne Sullivan says “I think G-d must owe me a resurrection.” A blind orphan daughter of immigrant parents who herself grew up in an asylum she felt G-d owed her something.
I spend my time in boutique hotels massaging women who sleep with attractive men and go sightseeing and attend wine-tastings – all the things I want. I get paid to make other people’s vacation or business trips nice and get raked over the coals if I’m ten minutes late for a massage which was foisted on me at the last minute and which I wasn’t trained for anyway. And what happens when I go on vacation? I don’t get the room I pay for and end up looking like something out of a first-aid manual and the manicurist is late. I figure if G-d doesn’t owe me a resurrection, at least he owes me a vacation.
Friday, May 25, 2007
WEEK 57
I have been putting Tabasco sauce on just about everything I eat. And jalapenos. Not that it makes much difference. K brought his youngest to work. It was cute the first couple hours. Then I realized why I don’t have kids. At least she’s better-behaved than her brother.
Did a bunch of freebie readings – got paid with a Chinese silk scarf. Last time I gave a talk I was told it went over well, but I didn’t think so. Some people seemed really pleased, others seemed vastly unimpressed. I handed my business card to a cute guy and he handed it right back. I thought that was kind of rude.
I didn’t volunteer to do readings, I was asked to. I said yes in the hope that it would drum up some business but I’m not sure I would want to deal with some of these people anyway. Kind of like what Joan Rivers said about some of the divey places at which she performed – she wouldn’t invite any of the audience members to have dinner at her house yet she was insulted that they didn’t like her act.
It’s funny – some of the most ungrateful people are the ones who get cheap (or free) readings or massages. The ones who pay well are sometimes actually nicer.
janedoe@seductive.com
I have been putting Tabasco sauce on just about everything I eat. And jalapenos. Not that it makes much difference. K brought his youngest to work. It was cute the first couple hours. Then I realized why I don’t have kids. At least she’s better-behaved than her brother.
Did a bunch of freebie readings – got paid with a Chinese silk scarf. Last time I gave a talk I was told it went over well, but I didn’t think so. Some people seemed really pleased, others seemed vastly unimpressed. I handed my business card to a cute guy and he handed it right back. I thought that was kind of rude.
I didn’t volunteer to do readings, I was asked to. I said yes in the hope that it would drum up some business but I’m not sure I would want to deal with some of these people anyway. Kind of like what Joan Rivers said about some of the divey places at which she performed – she wouldn’t invite any of the audience members to have dinner at her house yet she was insulted that they didn’t like her act.
It’s funny – some of the most ungrateful people are the ones who get cheap (or free) readings or massages. The ones who pay well are sometimes actually nicer.
janedoe@seductive.com
Thursday, May 24, 2007
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
BE IT KNOWN
That Jane E. Hautanen has met all requirements prescribed by law and regulations and is hereby licensed as a massage therapist in accordance with D.C. Law 6-99, District of Columbia Health Occupations Revision Act of 1985, as amended. In witness whereof, said Board caused this license to be granted and attested by the official seal of the District of Columbia.
janedoe@seductive.com
That Jane E. Hautanen has met all requirements prescribed by law and regulations and is hereby licensed as a massage therapist in accordance with D.C. Law 6-99, District of Columbia Health Occupations Revision Act of 1985, as amended. In witness whereof, said Board caused this license to be granted and attested by the official seal of the District of Columbia.
janedoe@seductive.com
I HAD A DREAM
I am on vacation with both parents. I have to go to the hospital and I think my father does, too. At least we end up with a better room.
janedoe@seductive.com
I am on vacation with both parents. I have to go to the hospital and I think my father does, too. At least we end up with a better room.
janedoe@seductive.com
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
Monday, May 21, 2007
I HAD A DREAM
Yesterday I dreamt my cousin Brian, who has been dead for almost 30 years, a Michael Imperioli lookalike and I were speeding in a bathroom. I shoot something into my arm and immediately my stomach turns into one big bruise. My shirt and my bra are covered with blood. I realize I need to get to a hospital and look for my mom. This is obviously a result of last week's rash.
Last night, or maybe this morning, I dreamt we were living in the mountains of Yugoslavia and fearing a nuclear attack from Iran.
janedoe@seductive.com
Yesterday I dreamt my cousin Brian, who has been dead for almost 30 years, a Michael Imperioli lookalike and I were speeding in a bathroom. I shoot something into my arm and immediately my stomach turns into one big bruise. My shirt and my bra are covered with blood. I realize I need to get to a hospital and look for my mom. This is obviously a result of last week's rash.
Last night, or maybe this morning, I dreamt we were living in the mountains of Yugoslavia and fearing a nuclear attack from Iran.
janedoe@seductive.com
Sunday, May 20, 2007
AN AMERICAN DREAM
I beg your pardon, mama, what did you say?
My mind was drifting off on Martinique Bay.
It's not that I'm not interested, you see;
Augusta, Georgia is just no place to be.
I think Jamaican in the moonlight.
Sandy beaches, drinking rum every night.
We got no money, mama, but we can go;
We'll split the difference, go to Coconut Grove.
Keep on talking, mama, I can hear
Your voice, it tickles down inside of my ear.
I feel a tropical vacation this year,
Might be the answer to this hillbilly fear.
I think Jamaican in the moonlight.
Sandy beaches, drinking rum every night.
We got no money, mama, but we can go;
We'll split the difference, go to Coconut Grove.
Voila! An American Dream.
Well, we can travel girl, without any means.
When it's as easy as closing your eyes
And dream Jamaica is a big neon sign.
Just keep talking, mama,
I like that sound.
It goes so easy with that rain falling down.
I think a tropical vacation this year,
Might be the answer to this hillbilly fear.
Voila! An American Dream.
Yeah, we can travel, girl, without any means.
When it's as easy as closing your eyes
And dream Jamaica is a big neon sign.
Just think Jamaican in the moonlight.
Sandy beaches, drinking rum every night.
We got no money, mama, but we can go;
We'll split the difference, go to Coconut Grove.
Performed by Linda Ronstadt and the Dirt Band
When I was in high school I substituted the words "Falls Church, Virginia," for "Augusta, Georgia." I used to think Falls Church was the dullest place on earth. Then I moved to Florida. By the end of my second year there I was begging for jobs in West Virginia.Here are two of Dodgerpig's fosters enjoying their tropical vacation:
http://www.pigloo.net/forums/viewtopic.php?p=70508&highlight=dodgerpig&sid=ef83593ccf7defa481c1e3b04d8ff611#70508
I would like another tropical vacation, minus the allergens.I bought some eucalyptus oil to combat the current allergy/cold symptoms and some neroli in the hope of more fun in the future.
.
I beg your pardon, mama, what did you say?
My mind was drifting off on Martinique Bay.
It's not that I'm not interested, you see;
Augusta, Georgia is just no place to be.
I think Jamaican in the moonlight.
Sandy beaches, drinking rum every night.
We got no money, mama, but we can go;
We'll split the difference, go to Coconut Grove.
Keep on talking, mama, I can hear
Your voice, it tickles down inside of my ear.
I feel a tropical vacation this year,
Might be the answer to this hillbilly fear.
I think Jamaican in the moonlight.
Sandy beaches, drinking rum every night.
We got no money, mama, but we can go;
We'll split the difference, go to Coconut Grove.
Voila! An American Dream.
Well, we can travel girl, without any means.
When it's as easy as closing your eyes
And dream Jamaica is a big neon sign.
Just keep talking, mama,
I like that sound.
It goes so easy with that rain falling down.
I think a tropical vacation this year,
Might be the answer to this hillbilly fear.
Voila! An American Dream.
Yeah, we can travel, girl, without any means.
When it's as easy as closing your eyes
And dream Jamaica is a big neon sign.
Just think Jamaican in the moonlight.
Sandy beaches, drinking rum every night.
We got no money, mama, but we can go;
We'll split the difference, go to Coconut Grove.
Performed by Linda Ronstadt and the Dirt Band
When I was in high school I substituted the words "Falls Church, Virginia," for "Augusta, Georgia." I used to think Falls Church was the dullest place on earth. Then I moved to Florida. By the end of my second year there I was begging for jobs in West Virginia.Here are two of Dodgerpig's fosters enjoying their tropical vacation:
http://www.pigloo.net/forums/viewtopic.php?p=70508&highlight=dodgerpig&sid=ef83593ccf7defa481c1e3b04d8ff611#70508
I would like another tropical vacation, minus the allergens.I bought some eucalyptus oil to combat the current allergy/cold symptoms and some neroli in the hope of more fun in the future.
.
Saturday, May 19, 2007
MARYLAND, MY MARYLAND
“Thou wilt not cower in the dust,
Maryland!
Thy beaming sword shall never rust,
Maryland!
Remember Carroll's sacred trust,
Remember Howard's warlike thrust,
And all thy slumberers with the just,
Maryland! My Maryland! “
James Ryder Randall
Curlin is the winner of the 2007 Preakness stakes. As is custom, the Navy guys sang this verse of Maryland, My Maryland just before the race. To see all nine stanzas click here.
“Thou wilt not cower in the dust,
Maryland!
Thy beaming sword shall never rust,
Maryland!
Remember Carroll's sacred trust,
Remember Howard's warlike thrust,
And all thy slumberers with the just,
Maryland! My Maryland! “
James Ryder Randall
Curlin is the winner of the 2007 Preakness stakes. As is custom, the Navy guys sang this verse of Maryland, My Maryland just before the race. To see all nine stanzas click here.
Friday, May 18, 2007
WEEKS 55-56
Wow. What a two weeks it's been. Last Friday I was in Puerto Rico and not really up to blogging much. It never rains but it pours. I am getting more work than I can handle, and high-paying work at that. Some of it I even enjoy.
It's a good thing we had more than eight days in Puerto Rico, as so much of it was wasted dealing with hotel issues, itching, recovering from the anti-itch medications and looking for a new hotel in which to stay next year. I had planned on getting the works -- massage, facial, aromatherapy, schvitz etc. Except in my condition I couldn't bear to be touched and no real massage therapist would have touched me. The day before we left I dared to step about ankle-deep into the ocean. At least I saved money on spa treatments and my crappy insurance will actually reimburse me for the doctor's visit and following prescriptions.
It was spring time when I started school and spring time again when I graduated. Sarah's baby was born just before I got there and Mollie's was born just before I finished my internship. Both babies were at the commencement. George and Hope just adopted a baby, and weren't able to make it to the ceremony or dinner at the Alpine. So now I am entering another cycle in my life in which more babies are being born and people are getting married again.
janedoe@seductive.com
Wow. What a two weeks it's been. Last Friday I was in Puerto Rico and not really up to blogging much. It never rains but it pours. I am getting more work than I can handle, and high-paying work at that. Some of it I even enjoy.
It's a good thing we had more than eight days in Puerto Rico, as so much of it was wasted dealing with hotel issues, itching, recovering from the anti-itch medications and looking for a new hotel in which to stay next year. I had planned on getting the works -- massage, facial, aromatherapy, schvitz etc. Except in my condition I couldn't bear to be touched and no real massage therapist would have touched me. The day before we left I dared to step about ankle-deep into the ocean. At least I saved money on spa treatments and my crappy insurance will actually reimburse me for the doctor's visit and following prescriptions.
It was spring time when I started school and spring time again when I graduated. Sarah's baby was born just before I got there and Mollie's was born just before I finished my internship. Both babies were at the commencement. George and Hope just adopted a baby, and weren't able to make it to the ceremony or dinner at the Alpine. So now I am entering another cycle in my life in which more babies are being born and people are getting married again.
janedoe@seductive.com
GRADUATION DAY
Some people have multiple weddings. I have multiple graduations. This is my fifth, if you count eighth grade. I feel like Elizabeth Taylor or one of the Gabor sisters.
Believe it or not, I won two awards, one for attendance, the other for volunteer service "above and beyond the call of duty." I did not expect either one. When I found out I was getting the volunteer service award I thought, "gee, I never did that much, my classmates must be a bunch of slackers." Then I figured it must be what Amber Jayanti and Sarah Ban Breathnach refer to as "divine time," in which years of hard work seemingly go unnoticed by anyone and then are suddenly rewarded one after another at a rapid rate. Maybe this is to make up for having chicken pox during my first Camp Fire peanut sale, not getting a paid job after numerous unpaid internships, getting a ticket on my way to volunteer at the art museum...
We had dinner afterwards at the Alpine. I chose that because it is not too far from the church but a little more elegant than Anthony's. Also because we lived directly behind it until I was five years old and because Roger and I went there with our respective prom dates. And that was where Ty proposed to Jennifer. Maybe it was a sort of "atonement" thing. By that I mean to re-do a lot of high school and even pre-school, elementary school things. I have no idea what kind of time Roger had at his prom. And Jennifer and Ty are still married..
janedoe@seductive.com
Some people have multiple weddings. I have multiple graduations. This is my fifth, if you count eighth grade. I feel like Elizabeth Taylor or one of the Gabor sisters.
Believe it or not, I won two awards, one for attendance, the other for volunteer service "above and beyond the call of duty." I did not expect either one. When I found out I was getting the volunteer service award I thought, "gee, I never did that much, my classmates must be a bunch of slackers." Then I figured it must be what Amber Jayanti and Sarah Ban Breathnach refer to as "divine time," in which years of hard work seemingly go unnoticed by anyone and then are suddenly rewarded one after another at a rapid rate. Maybe this is to make up for having chicken pox during my first Camp Fire peanut sale, not getting a paid job after numerous unpaid internships, getting a ticket on my way to volunteer at the art museum...
We had dinner afterwards at the Alpine. I chose that because it is not too far from the church but a little more elegant than Anthony's. Also because we lived directly behind it until I was five years old and because Roger and I went there with our respective prom dates. And that was where Ty proposed to Jennifer. Maybe it was a sort of "atonement" thing. By that I mean to re-do a lot of high school and even pre-school, elementary school things. I have no idea what kind of time Roger had at his prom. And Jennifer and Ty are still married..
janedoe@seductive.com
MONTEZUMA'S (OR MAYBE MUSSOLINI'S, FRANCO'S?) REVENGE
Actually I travel a lot, don't get me wrong. And it's been a couple years since I was sick on vacation, even if said "vacation" consisted of a religious holiday spent with relatives, which IMO is not really a vacation. Here is a list of holiday maladies:
1) Age four: Wildwood, NJ. I end up with a high fever and all the fun stuff associated with it, probably the result of multiple jellyfish stings. Rather than take me to the nearest emergency room, my mother, the registered nurse, spends the night giving me aspirin, chicken soup and sponge baths until the local pediatrician's office opens the next morning.
2) Probably about the same age, Aunt Irene's house. I throw up after having eaten ravioli. This time Mom actually takes me to a doctor, who happens to be her old boss. It is a long time before I can eat ravioli again.
3) Age five: Warren, MI. Again I develop a high fever and related fun stuff, probably as the result of walking through a local mosquito-infested swamp with my older cousin, who should have known better. Spraying both of our bodies with Raid definitely didn't help. By the time we get to the Upper Peninsula things are really cooking. Great-Aunt Martha offers us some baby aspirin, but Mom generously tells her to save them for her grandchildren. Aunt Mary says "Off" is a remarkable insecticide. Unfortunately it's a couple days too late for that. This is my first remembrance of Benadryl cream, which served well when I got chicken pox two years later.
4) Age six: I develop viral meningitis as the result of swimming in contaminated water at a local day camp. My pediatrician, who had treated me for an ear infection about a week before, is on vacation. I set a personal recored for fevers, 106 degrees, and end up in the isolation ward.
5) Fast-forward to age 18, freshman year in college. I manage to make it through my first semester and part of the second without a single cold, then catch a lovely one from my ten-month-old cousin Margie.
6) Two years later, junior year in college. I get through a weekend trip to Italy perfectly well, but end up with a cold that lasts about a month, or at least seems like it.
7) About six months later: Almuñecar, Spain. I end up with another cold, this time after having visited a ski resort. Evidently this cold is making its way around the Iberian peninsula and is treated through soup, juice and ginger ale.
8) Senior year in college: My uncle dies Thanksgiving weekend, a couple weeks before finals. I drive home from Pennsylvania with my cousin, Lenny and back to college a couple days later with a horrible cold, barely able to hold my head up.
9) First year of graduate school: I contact a nasty cold/allergy shortly after arriving in Germany, then some kind of nasty intestinal bug which follows me for weeks, if not months. The doctors I go to make me feel like a nut case, so I avoid seeking further treatment other than considering a psychiatrist. One of my dorm mates suggests I am too wrapped up in myself, and that instead maybe I should do some volunteer work or sing in the church choir. Bad idea. I lose much faith in most medicine and organized religion.
10) Four months later, Quarteira, Portugal: after eating ameijoas Alentejano, a local specialty consisting of pork and clams. You can see where this is going. I end up with one of the most horrible stomach upsets ever. Unfortunately all I have to drink is peach nectar. VERY BAD IDEA. At the time I am reading about autogenous training, so I lie on the pension bed in horrible agony telling myself "my stomach is comfortably warm and free of pain."
11) About a year and a half later, Sarasota, FL. I come to my parents' house for Christmas vacation recovering from a tonsillectomy and a nasty keratitis. I am on some kind of ocular antibiotic which looks like blood until it hits the whites of your eyes, then turns yellow. The girl next to me on the plane comments "those are some funky eyedrops." I think it was on the return trip that I developed the most horrible nosebleed of my life. It was in the middle of the night on a trans-Atlantic flight and I ended up spitting blood into a kleenex, a napkin and one of those paper things they put on the back of your seat. I ring and ring for a flight attendant. The woman next to me thinks I'm throwing up. Charming.
12) About two years later. Back at my parents' house, I come down with one of the worst colds of my graduate school career. I am not in terrible pain, but my nose will not stop running. I get snot all over my clothes, my mother's clothes, the couch and the cat. The cat dies about four months later.
13) About six months later, Arlington, VA: I strain my back, either as the result of lifting a video kit, suitcase or both. Fortunately the woman who replaced my mom's former boss is available, as is a good physical therapist.
14) Christmas, 2003, Sarasota, FL. After graduation, I have few real vacations, other than Delaware, Florida, and Pennsylvania. Trips to Las Vegas, Santa Barbara, and New Jersey remain healthy. In December, 2003, my father is diagnosed with acute congestive heart failure. It is to be our last Christmas together. Right before my departure, unbeknownst to me, I am sweating noticeablly. Pippin cannot stop kissing me. I am too much in denial to realize I am running a fever and that the salt all over my body is driving him crazy. Now I get really nervous when he gets affectionate. I somehow make it home to my parents' with a raging headache from the changes in air pressure. There is a yin-yang thing to this: I am excused from dinner at Helen's.This is a good thing. Unfortunately, she sends leftovers home with my parents. And I am too miserable to hit the day-after-Christmas sales until about 7PM, probably a first for me. Lillian invites us to dinner provided I don't have a fever. I feel like typhoid Mary. It takes days for my return-flight headache to abate. On the advice of my eye doctor I know take a decongestant before boarding a plane and on the advice of my general practicioner I take a baby aspirin to avoid blood clots.
15) May, 2007, San Juan, PR. You have already read about this. Except for the part about the woman who sat behind me coughing for most of the return flight. As the old Mike and Ike's TV spot went, "the fun keeps comin' and comin' and comin.'" In less than three months I am headed to the Jersey Shore for a week..
janedoe@seductive.com
Actually I travel a lot, don't get me wrong. And it's been a couple years since I was sick on vacation, even if said "vacation" consisted of a religious holiday spent with relatives, which IMO is not really a vacation. Here is a list of holiday maladies:
1) Age four: Wildwood, NJ. I end up with a high fever and all the fun stuff associated with it, probably the result of multiple jellyfish stings. Rather than take me to the nearest emergency room, my mother, the registered nurse, spends the night giving me aspirin, chicken soup and sponge baths until the local pediatrician's office opens the next morning.
2) Probably about the same age, Aunt Irene's house. I throw up after having eaten ravioli. This time Mom actually takes me to a doctor, who happens to be her old boss. It is a long time before I can eat ravioli again.
3) Age five: Warren, MI. Again I develop a high fever and related fun stuff, probably as the result of walking through a local mosquito-infested swamp with my older cousin, who should have known better. Spraying both of our bodies with Raid definitely didn't help. By the time we get to the Upper Peninsula things are really cooking. Great-Aunt Martha offers us some baby aspirin, but Mom generously tells her to save them for her grandchildren. Aunt Mary says "Off" is a remarkable insecticide. Unfortunately it's a couple days too late for that. This is my first remembrance of Benadryl cream, which served well when I got chicken pox two years later.
4) Age six: I develop viral meningitis as the result of swimming in contaminated water at a local day camp. My pediatrician, who had treated me for an ear infection about a week before, is on vacation. I set a personal recored for fevers, 106 degrees, and end up in the isolation ward.
5) Fast-forward to age 18, freshman year in college. I manage to make it through my first semester and part of the second without a single cold, then catch a lovely one from my ten-month-old cousin Margie.
6) Two years later, junior year in college. I get through a weekend trip to Italy perfectly well, but end up with a cold that lasts about a month, or at least seems like it.
7) About six months later: Almuñecar, Spain. I end up with another cold, this time after having visited a ski resort. Evidently this cold is making its way around the Iberian peninsula and is treated through soup, juice and ginger ale.
8) Senior year in college: My uncle dies Thanksgiving weekend, a couple weeks before finals. I drive home from Pennsylvania with my cousin, Lenny and back to college a couple days later with a horrible cold, barely able to hold my head up.
9) First year of graduate school: I contact a nasty cold/allergy shortly after arriving in Germany, then some kind of nasty intestinal bug which follows me for weeks, if not months. The doctors I go to make me feel like a nut case, so I avoid seeking further treatment other than considering a psychiatrist. One of my dorm mates suggests I am too wrapped up in myself, and that instead maybe I should do some volunteer work or sing in the church choir. Bad idea. I lose much faith in most medicine and organized religion.
10) Four months later, Quarteira, Portugal: after eating ameijoas Alentejano, a local specialty consisting of pork and clams. You can see where this is going. I end up with one of the most horrible stomach upsets ever. Unfortunately all I have to drink is peach nectar. VERY BAD IDEA. At the time I am reading about autogenous training, so I lie on the pension bed in horrible agony telling myself "my stomach is comfortably warm and free of pain."
11) About a year and a half later, Sarasota, FL. I come to my parents' house for Christmas vacation recovering from a tonsillectomy and a nasty keratitis. I am on some kind of ocular antibiotic which looks like blood until it hits the whites of your eyes, then turns yellow. The girl next to me on the plane comments "those are some funky eyedrops." I think it was on the return trip that I developed the most horrible nosebleed of my life. It was in the middle of the night on a trans-Atlantic flight and I ended up spitting blood into a kleenex, a napkin and one of those paper things they put on the back of your seat. I ring and ring for a flight attendant. The woman next to me thinks I'm throwing up. Charming.
12) About two years later. Back at my parents' house, I come down with one of the worst colds of my graduate school career. I am not in terrible pain, but my nose will not stop running. I get snot all over my clothes, my mother's clothes, the couch and the cat. The cat dies about four months later.
13) About six months later, Arlington, VA: I strain my back, either as the result of lifting a video kit, suitcase or both. Fortunately the woman who replaced my mom's former boss is available, as is a good physical therapist.
14) Christmas, 2003, Sarasota, FL. After graduation, I have few real vacations, other than Delaware, Florida, and Pennsylvania. Trips to Las Vegas, Santa Barbara, and New Jersey remain healthy. In December, 2003, my father is diagnosed with acute congestive heart failure. It is to be our last Christmas together. Right before my departure, unbeknownst to me, I am sweating noticeablly. Pippin cannot stop kissing me. I am too much in denial to realize I am running a fever and that the salt all over my body is driving him crazy. Now I get really nervous when he gets affectionate. I somehow make it home to my parents' with a raging headache from the changes in air pressure. There is a yin-yang thing to this: I am excused from dinner at Helen's.This is a good thing. Unfortunately, she sends leftovers home with my parents. And I am too miserable to hit the day-after-Christmas sales until about 7PM, probably a first for me. Lillian invites us to dinner provided I don't have a fever. I feel like typhoid Mary. It takes days for my return-flight headache to abate. On the advice of my eye doctor I know take a decongestant before boarding a plane and on the advice of my general practicioner I take a baby aspirin to avoid blood clots.
15) May, 2007, San Juan, PR. You have already read about this. Except for the part about the woman who sat behind me coughing for most of the return flight. As the old Mike and Ike's TV spot went, "the fun keeps comin' and comin' and comin.'" In less than three months I am headed to the Jersey Shore for a week..
janedoe@seductive.com
THE MAIN REASON YOU HAVEN'T HEARD FROM ME
I did not wish for this to turn into a dreary medblog, but this is one reason no one has heard much for me in the past week, other than the fact that internet access was at least ten dollars per hour.
Thursday: around noon I noticed three bumps on the inside of my right arm. They looked like poison ivy. By night they were worse.
Friday: My whole right arm was fire-engine red and swollen. So was part of my left. And my chest, my stomach, my underarms and the backs of my knees. I looked like a burn victim or something. Benadryl Gel did nothing for it. Cortizone 10 did very little. My mom, who has been a registered nurse for more than 50 years, had never seen anything like it. We went on the hotel tour of the old city and the pharmacist at Puerto Rican Drug (?) said it was a definte allergic reaction and gave me ten non-prescription Benadryl capsules in a little Ziploc Bag. I told her I needed something topical IMMEDIATELY so she recommended some aloe vera gel.
Saturday: I woke up looking and feeling worse. We went to the front desk and were told there was no "house doctor." No one would tell us where a doctor's office or an urgent care center was -- we would have to go to the local ER or have a hotel-referred doctor come to our room. We opted for the latter. The woman was younger than me and suffered from a horrible case of acne. At least I had the sense to know acne is not contagious. Still, this is not reassuring when you are suffering from the rash of a lifetime. She gave me a shot of cortisone and one of Benadryl, both of which did a number on my brain and body. Plus about a hundred dollars' worth of prescriptions to be filled at the local Walgreen's, after a cab ride for two. At this point I would have gladly had the woman shoot me up with morphine just for some relief.
janedoe@seductive.com
I did not wish for this to turn into a dreary medblog, but this is one reason no one has heard much for me in the past week, other than the fact that internet access was at least ten dollars per hour.
Thursday: around noon I noticed three bumps on the inside of my right arm. They looked like poison ivy. By night they were worse.
Friday: My whole right arm was fire-engine red and swollen. So was part of my left. And my chest, my stomach, my underarms and the backs of my knees. I looked like a burn victim or something. Benadryl Gel did nothing for it. Cortizone 10 did very little. My mom, who has been a registered nurse for more than 50 years, had never seen anything like it. We went on the hotel tour of the old city and the pharmacist at Puerto Rican Drug (?) said it was a definte allergic reaction and gave me ten non-prescription Benadryl capsules in a little Ziploc Bag. I told her I needed something topical IMMEDIATELY so she recommended some aloe vera gel.
Saturday: I woke up looking and feeling worse. We went to the front desk and were told there was no "house doctor." No one would tell us where a doctor's office or an urgent care center was -- we would have to go to the local ER or have a hotel-referred doctor come to our room. We opted for the latter. The woman was younger than me and suffered from a horrible case of acne. At least I had the sense to know acne is not contagious. Still, this is not reassuring when you are suffering from the rash of a lifetime. She gave me a shot of cortisone and one of Benadryl, both of which did a number on my brain and body. Plus about a hundred dollars' worth of prescriptions to be filled at the local Walgreen's, after a cab ride for two. At this point I would have gladly had the woman shoot me up with morphine just for some relief.
janedoe@seductive.com
Thursday, May 17, 2007
MIXED EMOTIONS
I have had never had such mixed feelings about a vacation.
This has been the weirdest, if not the worst vacation I have had in years, maybe ever. I should have known it when my suitcase was the first one to come out on the baggage carousel at Charlotte Airport. It was too good to last.
1) We were late getting into San Juan
2) I had trouble with my Amex Card as soon as we got to the hotel. Partly Amex's fault, partly mine.
3) The "ocean view" room we were promised was an ocean view only if you really stretched your neck. Otherwise it looked at a construction site. We could tell this even in the dark.
4) I was told there were no pay phones in the hotel which allowed one to make a call without any kind of card. This was not true.
5) There was no internet access in the business center the first night.
6) I tried to get information on the spa -- all I could get was their "Mother's Day Special," the lowest price of which was $150.00. When I tried to get information on other spa services I was sent to three different places, and finally was told the responsible party was "gone for the night."
7) There was no CD or DVD player in the room.
8) There was no TV listing in the room. The one I finally got from the front desk was wrong.
9) There were no premium channels offered. All this was the first night.
10) We spent about half the next day trying to get the room we paid for. This room offered a better view, but the balcony door didn't open properly and one of the light fixtures and electrical outlets didn't work. The outlet and the fixture still hadn't been repaired by the time we left a week later.
11) I broke out in a horrible rash, covering about a third of my body. My mother, who is a registered nurse and the doctor who was sent by the hotel both surmised it was an allergic reaction to detergent the hotel used in its sheets or towels. I spent over two hundred dollars on doctors, prescription and non-prescription medications, not to mention almost three days of my vacation.
12) We were told Sunday mass would be 9 AM Sunday. It wasn't until later.
13) The manicurist at the hotel spa was late.
14) The flight leaving San Juan was late and a mini-riot nearly ensued at the check-in counter.
15) My flight from Charlotte to DC was late, which was actually a good thing.
16) My seat was double-sold, but at least I got a place on the flight.
17) There were two little kids on the plane screaming in duet a good bit of the time.
18) The guy in front of me was so obnoxious they threatened to throw him off.
Actually there were some good things too:
1) I met a Santeria priestess at the tanning parlour/internet access place around the corner. She also gave me a great eyebrow wax.
2) We got to see the Bacardi Factory, The San Cristobal Fort, Old San Juan and the Museum of Art.
3) I got a great manicure.
4) The in-flight movie for the return trip was "Miss Potter," proof that being a funny old maid is not all bad.
5) The attendant felt so bad about everything she gave me a free Jack Daniels.
6) The cab driver gave me about a ten percent reduced fair .
7) There was a birthday card waiting for Pippin and another one I had forgotten to open.
8) The vet gave me about 50 dollars off the bill.
I have had never had such mixed feelings about a vacation.
This has been the weirdest, if not the worst vacation I have had in years, maybe ever. I should have known it when my suitcase was the first one to come out on the baggage carousel at Charlotte Airport. It was too good to last.
1) We were late getting into San Juan
2) I had trouble with my Amex Card as soon as we got to the hotel. Partly Amex's fault, partly mine.
3) The "ocean view" room we were promised was an ocean view only if you really stretched your neck. Otherwise it looked at a construction site. We could tell this even in the dark.
4) I was told there were no pay phones in the hotel which allowed one to make a call without any kind of card. This was not true.
5) There was no internet access in the business center the first night.
6) I tried to get information on the spa -- all I could get was their "Mother's Day Special," the lowest price of which was $150.00. When I tried to get information on other spa services I was sent to three different places, and finally was told the responsible party was "gone for the night."
7) There was no CD or DVD player in the room.
8) There was no TV listing in the room. The one I finally got from the front desk was wrong.
9) There were no premium channels offered. All this was the first night.
10) We spent about half the next day trying to get the room we paid for. This room offered a better view, but the balcony door didn't open properly and one of the light fixtures and electrical outlets didn't work. The outlet and the fixture still hadn't been repaired by the time we left a week later.
11) I broke out in a horrible rash, covering about a third of my body. My mother, who is a registered nurse and the doctor who was sent by the hotel both surmised it was an allergic reaction to detergent the hotel used in its sheets or towels. I spent over two hundred dollars on doctors, prescription and non-prescription medications, not to mention almost three days of my vacation.
12) We were told Sunday mass would be 9 AM Sunday. It wasn't until later.
13) The manicurist at the hotel spa was late.
14) The flight leaving San Juan was late and a mini-riot nearly ensued at the check-in counter.
15) My flight from Charlotte to DC was late, which was actually a good thing.
16) My seat was double-sold, but at least I got a place on the flight.
17) There were two little kids on the plane screaming in duet a good bit of the time.
18) The guy in front of me was so obnoxious they threatened to throw him off.
Actually there were some good things too:
1) I met a Santeria priestess at the tanning parlour/internet access place around the corner. She also gave me a great eyebrow wax.
2) We got to see the Bacardi Factory, The San Cristobal Fort, Old San Juan and the Museum of Art.
3) I got a great manicure.
4) The in-flight movie for the return trip was "Miss Potter," proof that being a funny old maid is not all bad.
5) The attendant felt so bad about everything she gave me a free Jack Daniels.
6) The cab driver gave me about a ten percent reduced fair .
7) There was a birthday card waiting for Pippin and another one I had forgotten to open.
8) The vet gave me about 50 dollars off the bill.
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
ESTOY IN PUERTO RICO DÍA NUEVE
Estoy de vuelta in Washington. All's well that ends well.
janedoe@seductive.com
Estoy de vuelta in Washington. All's well that ends well.
janedoe@seductive.com
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
ESTOY IN PUERTO RICO DÍA OCHO
This is the first time since arriving here that I have dared to put any part of my body into any body of water other than the hotel shower. I walked on the beach. The sand here is much softer than other Atlantic beaches or the Gulf Coast beaches.
We have seen three kinds of lizards here on this trip:
1) Small -- brown anoles, apparently native to Cuba. Mom has them in Florida.
2) Medium -- some kind of lizard about a foot long with an iridescent underbelly. They are about a foot long, give or take.
3) Large -- iguanas, apparently native to Central America. They appear to be up to three or four feet long from head to tail. A couple of them waddled up to me on the patio. Evidently the flapping of my skirt scared them. Fortunately they're vegetarians. Someone fed them some lettuce.
There are two big birds in cages in the hotel lobby. One is a blue-gold macaw, the other looks like an umbrella cockatoo. I wonder whether they actually recognize long-term guests, employees etc. The blue-gold let me pet him today. The cockatoo reached out of her cage to grab my dress with her claws.
This is the first time since arriving here that I have dared to put any part of my body into any body of water other than the hotel shower. I walked on the beach. The sand here is much softer than other Atlantic beaches or the Gulf Coast beaches.
We have seen three kinds of lizards here on this trip:
1) Small -- brown anoles, apparently native to Cuba. Mom has them in Florida.
2) Medium -- some kind of lizard about a foot long with an iridescent underbelly. They are about a foot long, give or take.
3) Large -- iguanas, apparently native to Central America. They appear to be up to three or four feet long from head to tail. A couple of them waddled up to me on the patio. Evidently the flapping of my skirt scared them. Fortunately they're vegetarians. Someone fed them some lettuce.
There are two big birds in cages in the hotel lobby. One is a blue-gold macaw, the other looks like an umbrella cockatoo. I wonder whether they actually recognize long-term guests, employees etc. The blue-gold let me pet him today. The cockatoo reached out of her cage to grab my dress with her claws.
Monday, May 14, 2007
ESTOY IN PUERTO RICO DÍA SIETE
Now Uncle Bobby thinks I'm gay. This is REALLY not going well. Even the cab driver told me I needed to relax more.
janedoe@seductive.com
Now Uncle Bobby thinks I'm gay. This is REALLY not going well. Even the cab driver told me I needed to relax more.
janedoe@seductive.com
Saturday, May 12, 2007
Friday, May 11, 2007
ESTOY IN PUERTO RICO DíA CUATRO
Why do they need tanning parlours in Puerto Rico anyway? Don't they get enough sun? And why do they sell cheesecakes and offer internet access yet not offer manicures or pedicures? And why does Puerto Rican Drug sell rosaries?
janedoe@seductive.com
Why do they need tanning parlours in Puerto Rico anyway? Don't they get enough sun? And why do they sell cheesecakes and offer internet access yet not offer manicures or pedicures? And why does Puerto Rican Drug sell rosaries?
janedoe@seductive.com
Thursday, May 10, 2007
ESTOY IN PUERTO RICO DIA TRES
Internet access here costs between five and ten us dollars per 15-minute session. There is a tanning parlour down the street which offers internet access along with "delicious cheese cakes." You can't make that kind of stuff up.
janedoe@seductive.com
Internet access here costs between five and ten us dollars per 15-minute session. There is a tanning parlour down the street which offers internet access along with "delicious cheese cakes." You can't make that kind of stuff up.
janedoe@seductive.com
Wednesday, May 09, 2007
HAPPY ANNIVERSARY
It was four years ago yesterday I adopted my beloved Pippin. Alas, we could not be together. >Sniff<
It was four years ago yesterday I adopted my beloved Pippin. Alas, we could not be together. >Sniff<
Monday, May 07, 2007
I'M INSURED
For up to two million dollars. I feel a lot better. Kind of like on Friends. When Joey had his insurance reinstated he let Phoebe swing at him with a baseball bat.
For up to two million dollars. I feel a lot better. Kind of like on Friends. When Joey had his insurance reinstated he let Phoebe swing at him with a baseball bat.
Sunday, May 06, 2007
IT WAS A PICTURE-POSTCARD, CHAMBER OF COMMERCE DAY
And I had to sit home waiting for Reservations to call. F. says "don't think of it as being 'chained' to the phone, think of it as an opportunity to work on other projects."
I took her advice and and used the five and a half hours on the couch designing new business cards and re-designing my web site for my own business.
And I had to sit home waiting for Reservations to call. F. says "don't think of it as being 'chained' to the phone, think of it as an opportunity to work on other projects."
I took her advice and and used the five and a half hours on the couch designing new business cards and re-designing my web site for my own business.
Saturday, May 05, 2007
Friday, May 04, 2007
WEEK 54
I have completed 40% of my required number of hospital volunteer hours. And am earning more money than I have in the past six years, maybe more than I ever have in my life. Unfortunately, the plan to make my life easier hasn’t come to fruition..
janedoe@seductive.com
I have completed 40% of my required number of hospital volunteer hours. And am earning more money than I have in the past six years, maybe more than I ever have in my life. Unfortunately, the plan to make my life easier hasn’t come to fruition..
janedoe@seductive.com
Wednesday, May 02, 2007
THIS JUST GETS WEIRDER
My latest client wasn an Asian deaf-mute. Still, I'm positive she was a she and she tipped .
janedoe@seductive.com
My latest client wasn an Asian deaf-mute. Still, I'm positive she was a she and she tipped .
janedoe@seductive.com