BREAKFAST (AND DINNER) OF CHAMPIONS

One night I took out about five bottles of of vitamins, herbs, minerals and whatever prescription I was on, laid them on the counter top and took one of each. Annabelle asked "is that your dinner?

DENNIS WEAVER DEAD

MSN reports actor Dennis Weaver is dead at age 81. Gee, and to think I mentioned Gentle Ben just the other day.

janedoe@seductive.com

SONGS ABOUT BUILDINGS AND PENS

E and I used to have conversations about stupid things like song lyrics and pens. Everyone else thought it was a laff riot, but we didn't find each other funny. Now we don't speak to each other unless it's absolutely necessary.

SUNDAY PAPER

Oops, I did it again. Sunday is almost over. Here is the link to the Detroit News.

DON KNOTTS DEAD

NBC reports actor Don Knotts is dead.

REEK IN A FUR COAT

Remember Reek and Rank from September 27th? Reek does not reek as much but he lurches around grunting. When I was a kid watching Gentle Ben with my dad, Dad, with his usual outspokenness said to the TV “you grunt like a pig.” I figure if we put Reek in a fur coat he would look like this: http://www.frieze.com/column_single.asp?c=162

To his credit Rank does not smell rank anymore and I have not looked at his fingernails recently.

janedoe@seductive.com

BOOZIN' BUDDIES

Boozers are losers and losers are boozers.

I WANT TACOS

California Tortilla has some good deals, either free stuff or money off. Today they were playing I Want Candy. When my father heard that song he said "what does 'candy' mean, 'pussy?'" Mom wouldn't let me sing that song in the house. She liked Touch-a Touch-a T-touch Me about as much. One of my friends wondered how she felt about Frankie Goes to Hollywood's Relax.

janedoe@seductive.com

VALENTINE'S DAY #1

Valentine's Day is #1 of the latest Lycos 50.

DEAD PRESIDENTS' DAY

I observed Presidents' Day by accruing as many dead presidents as I could. Hot younger men are e-mailing me and quoting me in their blogs.

janedoe@seductive.com

SUNDAY PAPER

Oops, it's kinda late, but some people don't get to read the Sunday paper until Monday. Here is the link for the Philadelphia Inquirer and Daily News.

NICE IS NOT ENOUGH

Here's my Craigslist posting. One winner, named "Jake," writes "You spewed: 'I am tired of "nice guys" who are boring, cheap, overweight, have B.O. and more hair on their bodies than on their heads. I want someone someone who is nice AND who turns me on sexually. Are there any guys between the age of 28 and 48 who fit that description? ' Maybe, but likely not that would be attracted to you, cause face it, you ain't no beauty." Another winner writes "Women in this country who advertise here and on personals sites never cease to amaze me. While I don't mind this one putting in the obvious, you need to look at her picture to see why she is posting on a free service and why she only turns up hobos. Think Prince Charles and Camille (?)What she looks like." It's "Camilla," you moron. And neither of YOU had the balls to submit YOUR picture.

A COUPLE MILESTONES

My father would have been 82 today. A year ago today we buried his ashes. A year ago last Saturday Lightning died. So I guess things are a little better. They say the first everything is worst after someone dies -- the first Thanksgiving, the first Christmas, the first birthday. I think I was still numb for a while. Now the pain is REALLY starting.

janedoe@seductive.com

FAIR WARNING:

Hiring a massage therapist to surprise your S.O. is not always a good idea. He/she may not be as delighted as you might expect.

RUFUS #1

The New York Times reports Champion Rocky Top's Sundance Kid, aka Rufus, a bull terrier, won best in show at Westminster.

janedoe@seductive.com

VALENTINE'S DAY #1

Valentine's Day is #1 of the latest Lycos 50.

janedoe@seductive.com

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY?

Well, honestly it was better than the last one. None of my pigs have died in the last three days and I don't plan on going to any parents' memorial services this week. Jeff says "My Valentines' Day should not suck. My secret to success is keeping expectations EXTREMELY low. That way, my low, low expectations are easily met. I think I'll spend tonight working on my taxes. I should be able to meet my very low expectations." As Hans would say, Vince Lombardi he's not.

Get a look at Psyche's face. I remember doing this.

The parking guy at Bucca Di Beppo gave me a single red rose.

SHAMELESS SELF-PROMOTION

I am gonna be on the local Fox O and O, WTTG Channel 5 in Washington tomorrow morning (Valentine's Day) sometime between 6:30 and 9 AM. Here is their web site: http://www.fox5dc.com/

They're doing a remote with Hurrydate.com. Not sure whether I'll be talking about how miserable my life is or just waving at the camera like on the Today Show. I will be wearing either red or burgundy.

janedoe@seductive.com

SUNDAY PAPER

Click here for the Seattle Times.

THE NORTH WIND DOTH BLOW

"And we shall have snow,
And what will the robin do then,
Poor thing?
He'll sit in a barn,
To keep himself warm,
And hide his head under his wing,
Poor thing."

Mother Goose

Snow started a couple hours ago. Yesterday people were already predicting Armageddon.

LET THE GAMES BEGIN!

Actually the opening ceremonies already have. In fact they're just about over. The actual games start tomorrow morning. You can catch them on NBC TV.

janedoe@seductive.com

OVER THE BORDER

The women I deal with on the phone had better be gorgeous because they obviously weren't hired for their intelligence. You cannot call them borderline retarded -- they are WAY over the border.

MY LATEST EFFORT

My massage page: http://massagesbyjane.blogspot.com

janedoe@seductive.com

BEER AND BURRITOS

California Tortilla is opening a new restaurant in Delaware on Wednesday the 8th. Also, there is another "Save the Brewmaster's Castle" event in DC Friday.

PIG SAVES FAMILY!

A pig saved a whole family in Montana.

POKER #1

Poker is #1 of the latest Lycos 50.

THRU AND THRU

You know that we do take away
We deliver too
Open 24 hours babe
Just waiting on a call from you
Waiting on a call from you
Well I'm in the yellow pages
You just take a look
Look me up under services
You know it's just an open book
Babe it's just an open book
It's just an open book
Well baby
Any minute, any hour
I'm waiting on a call from you
And you know this heart is constant
I'm your lover, baby
Thru and thru
Lover, baby, thru and thru
I only found out yesterday
I heard it on the news
What I heard really pissed me off
Cause now I got those fucking blues
I got those awesome blues
Babe I got those nothing blues
Any minute, any hour
I'm waiting on a call from you
And you know this heart is constant
I'm your lover, baby
Thru and thru
Lover, baby, thru and thru
You know that we do take-away
That we deliver, too
We're open 24 hours, baby
We're waiting on a call from you
But any minute, baby, any hour
I'm waiting on a call from you
You know that this heart is constant
I'm your lover, baby Thru and thru
Lover, baby, thru and thru
Lover, baby, thru and thru
Lover, baby, thru and thru

Mick Jagger/Keith Richards

I'm still waiting on a call from you. We met five years ago today and I'm sure you're celebrating by boffing someone else.

janedoe@seductive.com

STEELERS BEAT SEAHAWKS

The Steelers beat the Seahawks 21-10. Woot! Is it still cool to say "woot?"

SUPERBOWL XL

The Pittsburgh Steelers take on the Seattle Seahawks at 6:18 PM EDT on ABC TV. Go Stillers!

SUNDAY PAPER

The Pittsburgh Post Gazette. You see where my loyalties lie.

BETTY FRIEDAN DEAD

CNN reports Betty Friedan died today. It was her 85th birthday. According to Larry the feminine mystique had something to do with putting the toilet seat back down. This is no laughing matter. Pauline cracked her back pretty badly when Ralph or one of the kids left the seat up.

SIMPLE PLEASURES AND PLEASANT SURPRISES II

It's a Seattle kind of day and I'm sitting here with my coffee, my DVD player and my pigs. I'm happy to be getting financially on track if not emotionally and that both pigs appear happy and healthy. They are chowing on parsley.

When I was in first grade there were two crippled girls in my class who wore the prettiest dresses. That's right, when I was six years old it was acceptable to say "crippled" and "coloured" and "oriental." At any rate, Mom told me people felt sorry for them that's why they got nice dresses. Later on I figured it was because they didn't move around much so they were less likely to get their dainty organdy dresses torn or dirty. Now I figure they wore their party dresses to school because for them to go to "regular school" with "regular kids" was as exciting as going to a party. Now, being able to pay my bills and sit down to a cup of coffee or a glass of wine or have dinner with friends is as good as a party.

SIMPLE PLEASURES AND PLEASANT SURPRISES

After three hairy days with the pigs it's nice to be sitting in front of the TV with a pig in my lap and a cup of tea in my hand.

janeodoe@seductive.com

TOUR THE BREWMASTER'S CASTLE

Tour the Brewmaster's Castle tomorrow (Friday) night from 5:00 to 9:00 PM. For more information click here.

GROUND HOG'S DAY

Happy Ground Hog's Day! My beloved Pippin is the closest I have to a ground hog. To see pictures of my other pigs, click here. On Newschannel 8 I saw the guy yanking the ground hog out of his hole. They were playing the Pennsylvania Polka and you could seee guys in Steeler's hats. My late grandfather would have been so proud.

MORON CRAIG AND HIS LIST

Response to yesterday's Dinner and a Hand Job: "no doubt dude...what does this guy do, go home to his Norman Bates motel and sit beside his dead mom...FREAK."

I e-mailed the guy and told him I wasn't a dude.

janedoe@seductive.com