DYSLEXIC JOKE
"A guy walks into a bra."
Saturday, April 30, 2005
WHITE HOUSE CORRESPONDENTS' DINNER
Went to the White House Correspondents' Dinner tonight. Kind of like a high school dance but with more at stake. This was my tenth one. Since my first one I've packed in almost 50 pounds and lost about 15 of them later. Still, there were women there who looked worse than I did.
Went to the White House Correspondents' Dinner tonight. Kind of like a high school dance but with more at stake. This was my tenth one. Since my first one I've packed in almost 50 pounds and lost about 15 of them later. Still, there were women there who looked worse than I did.
Friday, April 29, 2005
26 WEEKS
It's been exactly six months since my father died and I'm angry. I have a fecal roster as long as my arm. On Judge Joe Brown there was a woman whose stepfather was also her uncle. She sued him for wrecking her car and just about everything else she could think of.
This afternoon I dreamt about our house in Falls Church. It was snowing. I was waiting for my parents to come home. Mrs. Burger sent some pix from Dad's memorial luncheon at the Willard. There's one good one of me and two of Mom so I'm happy.
As trite as it is, it's ben eleven weeks since Lightning died. He was fine in the morning, in the evening I took him to the vet with what seemed like a minor stomach upset and he was dead within the hours. It's amazing how fast people and pets can be taken from you.
janedoe@seductive.com
It's been exactly six months since my father died and I'm angry. I have a fecal roster as long as my arm. On Judge Joe Brown there was a woman whose stepfather was also her uncle. She sued him for wrecking her car and just about everything else she could think of.
This afternoon I dreamt about our house in Falls Church. It was snowing. I was waiting for my parents to come home. Mrs. Burger sent some pix from Dad's memorial luncheon at the Willard. There's one good one of me and two of Mom so I'm happy.
As trite as it is, it's ben eleven weeks since Lightning died. He was fine in the morning, in the evening I took him to the vet with what seemed like a minor stomach upset and he was dead within the hours. It's amazing how fast people and pets can be taken from you.
janedoe@seductive.com
Thursday, April 28, 2005
SCRIBBLING THE CAT
Alexandra Fuller, author of Don't Let's Go to the Dogs Tonight , has a new book. Woot!
Alexandra Fuller, author of Don't Let's Go to the Dogs Tonight , has a new book. Woot!
Wednesday, April 27, 2005
HAPPY ST. ZITA'S DAY!
Today is the feast of St. Zita, patroness of housekeepers. Maybe I should pray to her to clean the condo up. Either that or to St. Jude, patron of the hopeless or St. Rita, patroness of the impossible.
janedoe@seductive.com
Today is the feast of St. Zita, patroness of housekeepers. Maybe I should pray to her to clean the condo up. Either that or to St. Jude, patron of the hopeless or St. Rita, patroness of the impossible.
janedoe@seductive.com
THE FIRST TIME EVER
The first time ever I saw your face, I thought the sun rose in your eyes…And the moon and the stars were the gifts you gave…To the dark, and the endless skies, my love…To the dark, and the endless skies. And the first time ever I kissed your mouth, I felt the earth move in my hand like the trembling heart of a captive bird… that was there at my command, my love…That was there at my command, my love…And the first time ever I lay with you, I felt your heart so close to mine and I knew our joy would fill the earth and last till the end of time, my love…and it would last till the end of time, my love…The first time ever I saw your face…Your face…Your face…Your face…
by Roberta Flack
janedoe@seductive.com
The first time ever I saw your face, I thought the sun rose in your eyes…And the moon and the stars were the gifts you gave…To the dark, and the endless skies, my love…To the dark, and the endless skies. And the first time ever I kissed your mouth, I felt the earth move in my hand like the trembling heart of a captive bird… that was there at my command, my love…That was there at my command, my love…And the first time ever I lay with you, I felt your heart so close to mine and I knew our joy would fill the earth and last till the end of time, my love…and it would last till the end of time, my love…The first time ever I saw your face…Your face…Your face…Your face…
by Roberta Flack
janedoe@seductive.com
Tuesday, April 26, 2005
BABES FOR BOOBS
Babes for Boobs are holding their dream date auction at Whitlow's on Wilson tomorrow night. I didn't make up the name. Proceeds go to the Susan G. Komen Foundation for Cancer Research. I am not one of the dream dates, but I am donating a prize.
Babes for Boobs are holding their dream date auction at Whitlow's on Wilson tomorrow night. I didn't make up the name. Proceeds go to the Susan G. Komen Foundation for Cancer Research. I am not one of the dream dates, but I am donating a prize.
SHOPPING FOR BUTT FLOSS
Yeah, that's how I spent yesterday afternoon. In anticipation of my sex life improving I went to VSC on Connecticut Avenue. The dumb woman asked me what the occasion was. None of her business.
Yeah, that's how I spent yesterday afternoon. In anticipation of my sex life improving I went to VSC on Connecticut Avenue. The dumb woman asked me what the occasion was. None of her business.
Monday, April 25, 2005
AND DANCE BY THE LIGHT OF THE MOON
The DC Radical Radical Faeries are holding their monthly potluck tonight and are gearing up for their Faerie Feud and Beltane Beer Night.
Sahara Dance is holding its "Under a Desert Moon" presentation May 14th.
janedoe@seductive.com
The DC Radical Radical Faeries are holding their monthly potluck tonight and are gearing up for their Faerie Feud and Beltane Beer Night.
Sahara Dance is holding its "Under a Desert Moon" presentation May 14th.
janedoe@seductive.com
AUNT MARGIE'S 15 MINUTES
Aunt Margie was quoted in the Detroit Free Press as saying polka music is spiritually uplifting: "It's very good if you don't want to be depressed. Put on a polka and forget all your cares. Polkas definitely improve the spirit!"
janedoe@seductive.com
Aunt Margie was quoted in the Detroit Free Press as saying polka music is spiritually uplifting: "It's very good if you don't want to be depressed. Put on a polka and forget all your cares. Polkas definitely improve the spirit!"
janedoe@seductive.com
DOWN IN THE MOUTH
Monday morning. Got my teeth cleaned. Everything is fucked up at the dentist's office. It's 46 degrees outside and she's got the air conditioning running and I will need a filling. The parking meter is broken and my co-workers are being assholes.
janedoe@seductive.com
Monday morning. Got my teeth cleaned. Everything is fucked up at the dentist's office. It's 46 degrees outside and she's got the air conditioning running and I will need a filling. The parking meter is broken and my co-workers are being assholes.
janedoe@seductive.com
Sunday, April 24, 2005
Saturday, April 23, 2005
Friday, April 22, 2005
25 WEEKS
It's a nasty, wet grey day and our paychecks bounced. The good thing is the dogwood trees are flowering, so they provide a nice contrast.
janedoe@seductive.com
It's a nasty, wet grey day and our paychecks bounced. The good thing is the dogwood trees are flowering, so they provide a nice contrast.
janedoe@seductive.com
Thursday, April 21, 2005
MURDER IS ILLEGAL
The woman across from me is eating tuna salad that smells like fucking catfood and the fat buffalo next to me is clearing her throat every five seconds. At least she's not wearing her usual perfume which smells like urine and which you can smell all the way out to the elevator. Plus, I am talking to subnormal receptionists who refuse to tell me their names. As if everyone in America wanted to hunt them down. I did not get a master's degree for this.
The woman across from me is eating tuna salad that smells like fucking catfood and the fat buffalo next to me is clearing her throat every five seconds. At least she's not wearing her usual perfume which smells like urine and which you can smell all the way out to the elevator. Plus, I am talking to subnormal receptionists who refuse to tell me their names. As if everyone in America wanted to hunt them down. I did not get a master's degree for this.
Wednesday, April 20, 2005
WHEN MUFFINS ATTACK
This has to be the weirdest thing I've read all day. Had my eyes dilated, am just starting to see OK now.
janedoe@seductive.com
This has to be the weirdest thing I've read all day. Had my eyes dilated, am just starting to see OK now.
janedoe@seductive.com
Tuesday, April 19, 2005
TEN YEARS LATER
Almost forgot the Oklahoma City bombing was ten years ago today. I remember that day. I was on my first tour of duty at my current job (ugh!) feeling I would never get a better one. The first I heard was something about a bombing at a courthouse -- I thought it was just a bomb threat and figured crazies were always threatening to blow up buildings. They threatened to blow up our church the night of my first confession. In fifth grade they made us memorize the state capitals -- that was my first encounter with Oklahoma City. Ten years ago no one would have thought anything like that would happen there -- Oklahoma where the wind comes rushing down the plain.
Almost forgot the Oklahoma City bombing was ten years ago today. I remember that day. I was on my first tour of duty at my current job (ugh!) feeling I would never get a better one. The first I heard was something about a bombing at a courthouse -- I thought it was just a bomb threat and figured crazies were always threatening to blow up buildings. They threatened to blow up our church the night of my first confession. In fifth grade they made us memorize the state capitals -- that was my first encounter with Oklahoma City. Ten years ago no one would have thought anything like that would happen there -- Oklahoma where the wind comes rushing down the plain.
ANDERSON #1
Pamela Anderson is #1 of the Lycos 50, beating out Britney Spears and Pope John Paul II. Wow, Pamela Anderson, free ice cream and a new pope all in one day. The day John Paul II was elected I had a half-day at school so we watched the proceedings on TV. Today as soon as I found out about the new pope I told the news to some retarded illiterate hick receptionist in Illinois. Her response was "whut?"
Pamela Anderson is #1 of the Lycos 50, beating out Britney Spears and Pope John Paul II. Wow, Pamela Anderson, free ice cream and a new pope all in one day. The day John Paul II was elected I had a half-day at school so we watched the proceedings on TV. Today as soon as I found out about the new pope I told the news to some retarded illiterate hick receptionist in Illinois. Her response was "whut?"
Monday, April 18, 2005
MATTERS OF THE HEART
Just came back from my echocardiogram. I'm sure the woman loved ultrasounding a large sweaty woman. Next up -- dilation and field of vision and a mammography. I am also getting my teeth cleaned and my hair and toenails need cutting. It's kind of like a body detailing. Or overhaul.
janedoe@seductive.com
Just came back from my echocardiogram. I'm sure the woman loved ultrasounding a large sweaty woman. Next up -- dilation and field of vision and a mammography. I am also getting my teeth cleaned and my hair and toenails need cutting. It's kind of like a body detailing. Or overhaul.
janedoe@seductive.com
TWO HOURS OF MY LIFE
I got about six hours of sleep yesterday, which for me is practically hibernating. When I woke up I tried to get online and couldn't. After fussing with the cords I tried both phones, neither one of which worked. This resulted in multiple calls to Verizon, disconnecting and re-connecting both phones and computer and a trip to the hardware store to buy a new phone. Now my living room and kitchen are a salad of wires. That was about two hours of a perfectly good, sunny Sunday and now I am taking the time to blog about it.
janedoe@seductive.com
I got about six hours of sleep yesterday, which for me is practically hibernating. When I woke up I tried to get online and couldn't. After fussing with the cords I tried both phones, neither one of which worked. This resulted in multiple calls to Verizon, disconnecting and re-connecting both phones and computer and a trip to the hardware store to buy a new phone. Now my living room and kitchen are a salad of wires. That was about two hours of a perfectly good, sunny Sunday and now I am taking the time to blog about it.
janedoe@seductive.com
Sunday, April 17, 2005
Saturday, April 16, 2005
WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
1. PORN STAR NAME: (Name of first pet / First street you lived on):
2. MOVIE STAR NAME: (Name of your favorite snack food / Grandfather's first name):
3. FASHION DESIGNER NAME: (First word you see on your left / Favorite restaurant):
4. EXOTIC FOREIGNER ALIAS: (Favorite Spice(Herb) / Last Vacation Spot):
5. SOCIALITE ALIAS: (Silliest Childhood Nickname / Town Where You First Partied):
6. "FLY GIRL/BOY" ALIAS (a la J. Lo): (First Initial / First Two or Three Letters of your Last Name):
7. ICON ALIAS: (Something Sweet Within Sight / Any Liquid in Your Kitchen): 8. DETECTIVE ALIAS: (Favorite Baby Animal / Where You Went to High School):
9. BARFLY ALIAS: (Last Snack Food You Ate / Your Favorite Alcoholic Drink): 10. SOAP OPERA ALIAS: (Middle Name / Street Where You Live):
11. ROCK STAR ALIAS: (Favorite Candy / Last Name Of Favorite Musician):
12. STAR WARS NAME: ( First 2 letters of your first name and the first 3 Letters from your last name makes your first name. First 2 letters of your mother's maiden name and the first 3 letters of the city you were born in make your 2nd name):
Two other good ones: Random Blues Name Generator http://www.birdscorner.com/Random%20Blues%20Name%20Generator.htm
and Prison Name generator (warning, some of these can be nasty) http://www.drunkcyclist.com/prison_name_generator.htm
1. PORN STAR NAME: (Name of first pet / First street you lived on):
2. MOVIE STAR NAME: (Name of your favorite snack food / Grandfather's first name):
3. FASHION DESIGNER NAME: (First word you see on your left / Favorite restaurant):
4. EXOTIC FOREIGNER ALIAS: (Favorite Spice(Herb) / Last Vacation Spot):
5. SOCIALITE ALIAS: (Silliest Childhood Nickname / Town Where You First Partied):
6. "FLY GIRL/BOY" ALIAS (a la J. Lo): (First Initial / First Two or Three Letters of your Last Name):
7. ICON ALIAS: (Something Sweet Within Sight / Any Liquid in Your Kitchen): 8. DETECTIVE ALIAS: (Favorite Baby Animal / Where You Went to High School):
9. BARFLY ALIAS: (Last Snack Food You Ate / Your Favorite Alcoholic Drink): 10. SOAP OPERA ALIAS: (Middle Name / Street Where You Live):
11. ROCK STAR ALIAS: (Favorite Candy / Last Name Of Favorite Musician):
12. STAR WARS NAME: ( First 2 letters of your first name and the first 3 Letters from your last name makes your first name. First 2 letters of your mother's maiden name and the first 3 letters of the city you were born in make your 2nd name):
Two other good ones: Random Blues Name Generator http://www.birdscorner.com/Random%20Blues%20Name%20Generator.htm
and Prison Name generator (warning, some of these can be nasty) http://www.drunkcyclist.com/prison_name_generator.htm
Friday, April 15, 2005
24 WEEKS
I have dreamt at least twice this week about my father. In one of them I told him "you're dead now and you can't hurt me." This year it's hard to get enthusiastic about spring. In the past there have been new loves, new jobs, new semesters, end of school, new pigs. Now at least I have a new pig, but everything else is the same and shows no promise. At least I'm getting a nice big tax refund.
janedoe@seductive.com
I have dreamt at least twice this week about my father. In one of them I told him "you're dead now and you can't hurt me." This year it's hard to get enthusiastic about spring. In the past there have been new loves, new jobs, new semesters, end of school, new pigs. Now at least I have a new pig, but everything else is the same and shows no promise. At least I'm getting a nice big tax refund.
janedoe@seductive.com
Thursday, April 14, 2005
Wednesday, April 13, 2005
HAPPY, HAPPY, JOY, JOY
Went to Jackson-Hewitt, found out I'm getting about twice the refund I expected. Also getting a free dinner from La Madeleine and five free burritos from Chipotle. Am celebrating with a drink for me and vegetables for the pigs.
Went to Jackson-Hewitt, found out I'm getting about twice the refund I expected. Also getting a free dinner from La Madeleine and five free burritos from Chipotle. Am celebrating with a drink for me and vegetables for the pigs.
Tuesday, April 12, 2005
POPE #1
Pope John Paul II is again#1 of the Lycos 50. I have also been dreaming a lot about my father, who is also dead.
Pope John Paul II is again#1 of the Lycos 50. I have also been dreaming a lot about my father, who is also dead.
Monday, April 11, 2005
SPRING IS HERE
"Why doesn't the breeze delight me?
Stars appear
Why doesn't the night invite me?"
Rodgers & Hart
Maybe it's allergies. Or the fact that my job and my boyfriend situation both suck.
janedoe@seductive.com
"Why doesn't the breeze delight me?
Stars appear
Why doesn't the night invite me?"
Rodgers & Hart
Maybe it's allergies. Or the fact that my job and my boyfriend situation both suck.
janedoe@seductive.com
Sunday, April 10, 2005
I HAD A DREAM
About my first love, the one who turned out to be gay. Decency (and legality) forbid me from posting his name or his picture. We were naked at someone else's wedding in a Presbyterian church and so overcome by all the love present we were all over each other.
I watched re-runs of the Pope's funeral mass on TV. Does that count?
About my first love, the one who turned out to be gay. Decency (and legality) forbid me from posting his name or his picture. We were naked at someone else's wedding in a Presbyterian church and so overcome by all the love present we were all over each other.
I watched re-runs of the Pope's funeral mass on TV. Does that count?
Saturday, April 09, 2005
Adopt-a-Pig II
Well, it's been a month since I announced Pandora's adoption. I promised the people at the other rescues/shelters I would give them a plug: The Noah's Ark Rescue in Dale City still has piggies for adoption, the url is http://members.petfinder.org/~VA282/index.html . Montgomery County Humane Society, www.mchumane.org also has piggies, as does the Animal Welfare League of Alexandria, www.alexandriaanimals.org , where I got Pippin and Pandora. Baby Pandora is growing nicely and getting an adult diet.
Well, it's been a month since I announced Pandora's adoption. I promised the people at the other rescues/shelters I would give them a plug: The Noah's Ark Rescue in Dale City still has piggies for adoption, the url is http://members.petfinder.org/~VA282/index.html . Montgomery County Humane Society, www.mchumane.org also has piggies, as does the Animal Welfare League of Alexandria, www.alexandriaanimals.org , where I got Pippin and Pandora. Baby Pandora is growing nicely and getting an adult diet.
Friday, April 08, 2005
23 WEEKS
They buried the pope on a Friday. I was hoping he would also die on a Friday like Jesus, Dad and Lightning. They showed the Paul VI kids on TV. Glad they conducted themselves so well. I feel as thoughmy church has been under the microscope more than ever.
The other night mom went to dinner at the Old Mansion, the same place where they had their wedding reception. That must have been weird. Uncle Nick told her she should get married again. Mom told him at their age what a man wants is a nurse and a purse.
Had my check up at Kaiser Permanente. Was pleasantly surprised. The doctor asked how my dad's health was. I said, "not too good, he died October 29th."
janedoe@seductive.com
They buried the pope on a Friday. I was hoping he would also die on a Friday like Jesus, Dad and Lightning. They showed the Paul VI kids on TV. Glad they conducted themselves so well. I feel as thoughmy church has been under the microscope more than ever.
The other night mom went to dinner at the Old Mansion, the same place where they had their wedding reception. That must have been weird. Uncle Nick told her she should get married again. Mom told him at their age what a man wants is a nurse and a purse.
Had my check up at Kaiser Permanente. Was pleasantly surprised. The doctor asked how my dad's health was. I said, "not too good, he died October 29th."
janedoe@seductive.com
Thursday, April 07, 2005
HOLY KID BROTHER
Kevin sent this. You, too, can be pope. Every year my CDA court sponsors art/essay/poetry contests. One year the topic was "religious vocations." The son of our president wrote about his little brother who wanted to be pope. His take was "I'll do everything I can to help him get elected, but if he wins do I have to address him as 'Holy Father?' Somehow that doesn't sound right."
Someone else suggested "holy kid brother."
Kevin sent this. You, too, can be pope. Every year my CDA court sponsors art/essay/poetry contests. One year the topic was "religious vocations." The son of our president wrote about his little brother who wanted to be pope. His take was "I'll do everything I can to help him get elected, but if he wins do I have to address him as 'Holy Father?' Somehow that doesn't sound right."
Someone else suggested "holy kid brother."
Wednesday, April 06, 2005
OUT FOR BLOOD
Had blood drawn at Kaiser Permanente, the Wal-Mart of healthcare. It hurt, brought back bad memories. Made me feel bad for the pigs when the vet stuck needles into them.
janedoe@seductive.com
Had blood drawn at Kaiser Permanente, the Wal-Mart of healthcare. It hurt, brought back bad memories. Made me feel bad for the pigs when the vet stuck needles into them.
janedoe@seductive.com
RAINIER DEAD
Prince Rainier is dead, also Saul Bellow. This is beginning to sound like a deathblog again.
janedoe@seductive.com
Prince Rainier is dead, also Saul Bellow. This is beginning to sound like a deathblog again.
janedoe@seductive.com
Tuesday, April 05, 2005
Monday, April 04, 2005
BACK TO WORK
Mom flew to Pittsburgh this morning. Went back to work. Ugh! After the weekend it was a real downer, but we have next month to look forward to. The Nationals lost to the Phillies today. 'Again, not good.
janedoe@seductive.com
Mom flew to Pittsburgh this morning. Went back to work. Ugh! After the weekend it was a real downer, but we have next month to look forward to. The Nationals lost to the Phillies today. 'Again, not good.
janedoe@seductive.com