SCHINDLER SCHIAVO DEAD

Terry Schindler Schiavo died this morning at age 41.

SPRING FEVER

I think I have spring fever. Or maybe it's just the headache, sore throat and nausea induced by the perfume on the fat woman sitting across from me. I swear she must bathe in the stuff and it takes a lot of perfume to cover a surface that big.

janedoe@seductive.com

ADOPT A PIG

March is Adopt a Rescued Guinea Pig Month. This lady is having trouble unloading some beautiful little white piggies: http://www.guinealynx.info/forums/viewtopic.php?t=20354&start=0

I can't tell you how happy Baby Pandora has made me, and I wasn't even looking to adopt a pink-eyed white.

EASTER #1

Easter was #1 of the latest Lycos 50. Demi Moore was #1 for MSN.

APRIL SHOWERS

Don't always bring May flowers. Sometimes it still rains from May into June. With the Pope's illness, the Terri Schiavo case, my father's and grandmother's deaths and my boyfriend and job situation it still feels like Lent.

janedoe@seductive.com

FROM THE EASTER PIG:

Happy Easter! Again, Pippin (formerly Thunder) is the closest thing I have to an Easter Bunny. Here is his picture: http://www.geocities.com/thatjanedoe/Janedoesblog.html

Sorry I don’t have digital pictures of the other guys yet. To see more pigs, click here: http://www.guinealynx.info/forums/viewtopic.php?t=20350&start=0

If bunnies are your thing, click here: http://www.grayace.com/dex/bunny.html

And if you prefer chicks, click here: http://www.thisfunsforyou.com/htdocs/funpages/chickfeed.php#02

HERE COME THE BRIDES III

In case you're wondering about the outcome of last week's wedding cake experiment inwhich I put the names of seven different guys under my pillow along with a piece of wedding cake. The name I finally drew was that of my great love, although I don't think he's so great anymore. The first runner-up was gay.

HOLY MOLY!

Oops, I mean Holy Saturday. Not feeling too chipper so I spent most of the day in bed. Hey, Jesus spent three days in his tomb and even the Pope skipped his usual Holy Saturday appearance.

21 WEEKS/GOOD FRIDAY

My father died on a Friday, just like Jesus, but I am not saying my father was the Messiah. Today was fitting Good Friday weather, although there were no earthquakes or split curtains or anything like that.

Five weeks since Lightning died. I love baby Pandora for herself and not just as a Lighting substitute, but I still can't shake the fear that I will lose both pigs.

If Jesus died for our sins, why am I still beset by fear, dread and anxiety?

Janedoe@seductive.com

HOLY MACKERAL!

Oops, I mean it's Holy Thursday and tomorrow we'll be eating mackeral. Or shrimp or lobster or crab as long as we don't eat meat. And we're only supposed to eat the equivalent of one meal a day. Of course a Jesuit priest told one of my dad's friends if you can get it through a straw it doesn't break the fast. At my old church in Wilmington we had a nice potluck Holy Thursday. When I was in high school and had a driver's license we went to McDonald's one Holy Thursday 'cause my girlfriend was hot for a guy who worked there.

PHALLIC SYMBOLS

I can't think of anything better and am waiting for the antibiotic to kick in, so here are some links which do not have to do with kitty porn.

Kitty Porn!

Live nude cats and silly sleeping poses.

janedoe@seductive.com

TOO BAD TERRI SCHINDLER SCHIAVO'S A PERSON

If she were a whale, a seal or a spotted owl tree-huggers would be sobbing in front of the TV cameras singing "Kumbaya."

janedoe@seductive.com

MADNESS #1

March Madness is #1 of the latest Lycos 50.

CELL PHONES: A CAUTIONARY TALE

Lost my cell phone last Sunday. Ok, I admit that was dumb enough. The people at Cingular assured me I could keep my old number. I went to the Cingular store at 19th and K Monday and the people there were great, but I wanted to hold off on it. Next day I went to the store at Woodmont and Fairmont Avenues in Bethesda because it was convenient to my office. I think it's called "Wireless Solutions" or something like that. Big mistake. Don't buy stuff from those people. They are crooks. The store was supposed to open at 10:00 AM and the guy didn't show up until about 10:20 or 10:25. Not only that his English was lousey. He told me I couldn't get the Nokia 3120 I wanted and keep my old number without paying $160 for it. The only way to get it for $39.95 for two years was to sign a new contract and get a new number. John on K Street said that was ridiculous and gave me the phone for the lower rate AND I got to keep my old number.

Another big mistake I made was buying a phone through a telemarketer. I know that was dumb, too, but I had been with Cingular for years and my old phone was literally falling apart. The guy offered me a better rate with a free car charger. The phone was activated and delivered by some guys in Gaithersburg who barely spoke a word of English and didn't bring the charger. I had to make some serious threats before I got it. When I called Cingular to complain they said they could do nothing about these guys. John at the K Street store said the same thing about the losers in Bethesda because they weren't a Cingular store, they were a Cingular "agent." The moral of this story: don't buy from telemarketers and don't make major purchases from little mom and pop appliance stores claiming to be "Cingular agents," "T-Mobile agents" etc.

janedoe@seductive.com

SWEET DREAMS

I know today is Palm Sunday, but I don't feel like writing anything religious.

Didn't dream about any of the guys whose names I put under my pillow, but I dreamt about the best friend of one of them. And his father. I escaped from both on a rubber blow-up raft. It was a magic raft so I could make it fly.

COWS WITH GUNS

Another great blog title.

HERE COME THE BRIDES II

The best man was one of Cassandra's Navy buddies. He wore a skirt. I think he was married to the minister. They served champagne, but with that kind of entertainment who needs alcohol?

Mom can't stop groaning. She says the Friends of Finland meeting was nice but not nearly that entertaining.

So I am the only Working Girl not be be married, but except for Linda I am the only one not to be divorced. As usual I took home a piece of wedding cake to dream on, but I'm scared to see whom I'm gonna dream of. Also, I am taking seven slips of paper and writing the names of seven different guys on them. For a week you pull out a different slip every day. The last one is the one you're gonna marry. Sad thing is, I can't think of seven guys I'd like to be married to.

HERE COME THE BRIDES

Cassandra is getting married this afternoon. It's his/her/its third marriage. I am wearing this dress in burgundy. Be careful of www.costumesinc.com . I ordered it with "second day shipping" and it took five days. Two people say I should wear something more revealing but I don't think I should outshine the brides. Normally one only has to worry about one bride not two. I am bringing my drum. And a couple of tarot decks. And a camera. People sigh a lot when I tell them about this wedding.

TWENTY WEEKS

Wow, it's been twenty weeks since my father died. Five months. Five weeks since Lightning died. I wonder which is worse, to quickly the way Lightning did or to linger on almost two years the way my father did. At least when someone dies a lingering death you have time to prepare.

Not sure what the situation is with Terry Schindler Schiavo's feeding tube is. Her husband comes across as a real asshole.

Shirley went to a funeral the other day. What do you say when someone leaves for a funeral? Have a nice time? Have fun?

janedoe@seductive.com

SOME TASTELESS STUFF

"Sure, drink enough, you'll see anything."

My ex, who is of French descent, on the Irish and their belief in "the little people."

"It's real Irish music, the kind you listen to while you're gettin' a massage."

Tom Sweeney on Enya

Staccato serves a drink called the Irish Car Bomb. It consists of Guiness, Bailey's and Irish whiskey all served in the same glass together. I asked Ryan if it makes you throw up. He said "no, not the first one."

Also, there is a band playing at Staccato tomorrow night called "Potato Famine."

ST. PATRICK'S DAY

Today is St. Patrick's Day. When I was six years old my father told me St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. I had visions him driving these awful slithering things into the sea with his staff. When I was older I heard there were no snakes in Ireland to begin with.

Some people say St. Patrick was a Welshman. One of our high school teachers said he was Italian, but this teacher's name was Benevento.

AARDVARK AS A VERB II

Guess what. If you do a Google search on the word "aardvarked" you find me. I found that out when someone in my pig group compared another member's pig to an aardvark.

janedoe@seductive.com

ON HEARING THE FIRST CUCKOO IN SPRING

Heard a sure sign of spring this morning -- a turtle dove.

janedoe@seductive.com

SHOT IN THE HEART

Saw a package on ABC about new heart valve replacement. They don't cut your chest open, they just shoot the new valve into your heart. I think I'll keep mine the way they are for now.

HILTON #1

Paris Hilton is #1 of the latest of the Lycos 50.

SOMETHING STRANGE

I saw a man who looked very much like my late father at the intersection of 20th and Belmont yestderday.

janedoe@seductive.com

OPINIONS ARE LIKE ASSHOLES

Everybody has one.

DEFENDING THE FATHERLAND

WARNING: GRAPHIC MATERIAL!

Some pictures of Finnish Army Life.

As Dr. Ruth would say, it's "a little strange." Being of Finnish descent, now I understand more where my penchant for disorderly housekeeping and weird humor come from. Working in the media and public relations I wonder who let these pix out. Is his/her behind in a sling? When people asked me to take risks above and beyond the call of duty, I would say "I am gonna end up with my behind in a sling and my rotten health plan doesn't cover butt slings." Then a co-worker told me my behind would look cute in a sling.

THOU SHALT NOT STEAL

The Born-Again Christians I work with stole my food out of the freezer. What would Jesus say?

NINETEEN WEEKS

It's been nineteen weeks since my father died and now it's what people didn't do that hurts more than what they did. My aunt and uncle said the funeral was "too far" and they were "afraid to fly." They had two months' notice and could have walked to Florida in that time. Of course they're not afraid to hop onto a bus at a moment's notice if there's a trip to Atlantic City. The Southern Baptist minister's wife I've known since childhood who waited five days to call -- I got on the phone the second I heard about her father's death and offered to drop everything to drive to her mother's house. The good Catholic who couldn't give up one afternoon of delivering Meals on Wheels to be with my mother and me -- never mind Mom is flying over 800 miles to be here and I spent my birthday at his wife's funeral.

Lightning died one month ago today. Although I love Pandora for herself and not just as a Lightning substitute, I can't shake the feeling that something bad will happen to both pigs.

In case you're wondering what the above-mentioned people will think about what I've written about them, I'm not worried. They never read my blog anyway and if they did they'd be too lazy and/or wrapped up in themselves to e-mail me about it, forget about writing or even calling.

janedoe@seductive.com

SICK, SICK, SICK

Last night I dreamt I went to my high school to look for dates and that was among the student body, not faculty, staff, alumni or parents. Think I also dreamt of Tobey Maguire.

A SCARY EVENING

At about 5:30 last evening I was driving onto the street on which I live and I saw a cop car. This is not unusual in Northwest DC, I just figured the cop was writing parking tickets, as opposed to catching killers, rapists, drug dealers etc. Then I saw another one and another one, at least 12 or 13 in all, surrounding my building. There were at least 25 cops in and out of uniform. I asked if it was ok to go inside and one of them said yes, so I ran indoors and checked on the pigs who were still inside their respective pigloos/baskets. Our front desk attendant told us it was just a drill like the one we were supposed to have had last week, which I don't think ever materialized. Of course no one bothered to tell us that this morning. Nice going, guys.

Then while I was telling my mom this fine tale Pandora showed me her new trick, which is slithering out of her cage like a snake or the liver-eating mutant on the X-Files. She has also learned a pigloo can be something to sit ON as well as to sit UNDER. As far as I can tell she was not hurt. The vet said it does not sound like it, just keep her in the other cage which while smaller is more escape-proof. Pandora may end up being my smartest pig yet, even smarter than Lightning. Unfortunately for me, I gave up drinking for Lent.

DAN'S LAST STAND

Dan Rather's final newscast will be broadcast on most CBS affiliates and O and O's at 6:30 and 7:00 PM Eastern Time.

janedoe@seductive.com

JANEY'S NEW BABY

Janey and Pippin (formerly Thunder) announce the arrival of their newest family member. Her name is a Pandora, she is a beautiful little one-and-a-half-pound albino (or in cavy circles pink-eyed white). The people at the Alexandria shelter where we got both pigs say she is nine months old. Don't have any pix of her, yet, but here is Pippin's baby picture: http://www.geocities.com/thatjanedoe/Janedoesblog.html

Both pigs have been given a clean bill of health and are adjusting to each other well.

janedoe@seductive.com

BLOGGERS ON NIGHTLINE

There is a thing on bloggers on Nightline right now. One of them is in Falls Church. Woo Hoo!

AIKEN #1

Clay Aiken is #1 of the latest Lycos 50.

THIS IS GETTING OLD

Fox Five reports there's another mercury spill in a DC school. A kid broke a thermometer, for heaven's sake, and they called in the hazmat teams. I don't have time for this.

janedoe@seductive.com

LAZY SUNDAY

I still don't feel like blogging much, so here is something pretty to look at. Here is something fun from 2003.

HANGIN' WITH MR. MAN

The card I drew for today was the Hanged Man. I am not feeling terribly well, so I did just that -- hang.

EIGHTEEN WEEKS

It's been eighteen weeks since my father died, three since Lightning died. Am I going to live in terror of Fridays forever? The other day I saw a picture of Jesus dying on the cross, obviously in agony. There was a balloon coming out of his mouth saying "TGIF." I also saw an economy pack of sympathy cards. I thought it would be a good money-saving idea, but then I wondered "does it mean more people are gonna die?" Then I figured buying it would be a way of preventing deaths but then my money would be wasted.

Last week it occurred to me: both my grandfathers died well before any of their siblings. Grandpap John Edward Hautamaki, whom I was named for, died of leukemia at age 55. At least one of his six siblings, my great aunt Nellie Holstrom, lived to be over 90. Grandpap Joseph Michael Vereb died of coronary thrombosis (or something like that) at age 65. One of his sisters, my great Aunt Mary Tarasovic, is still living at age 103. At any rate, I'm an only child, so I will be the first and last of my siblings to die.

janedoe@seductive.com

TWISTED SISTERS

Rented The Magdalene Sisters, felt as though I needed a shower afterwards. It's a helluva great date movie -- your date says to you afterwards "now I understand why you are the way you are." The orphans' uniforms looked uncomfortably like those at our high school. Those nuns make my holy roller relatives look good. Now I know how Germans feel when they look at films about the Holocaust.

Little is actually known about St. Mary Magdalene. Some people say she was a hooker, some people say she was an adultress. Others say she may have been an epileptic or a schizophrenic. I think she could also have been a drunk or a junkie. Whatever it was, it was something that was hurting her and other people.

In third grade, right before we made our first confession we only learned she had done something bad, she was sorry for it, never did again and she did penance for it, thereby becoming a saint.

Truth be told, I was only hit one time in my life by a nun, and it was on the head, not the knuckles and it was with a bare hand, not a ruler. Years later, when I was in college no one would ever tell me what happened to her. Fucking bitch.

WHY MUSIC?

March is Music in Our Schools Month. February was Adopt-a-Rescued Rabbit Month.

janedoe@seductive.com

SURPRISE, SURPRISE

Paris Hilton is #1 of the latest Lycos 50.