46 YEARS

Forty-six years ago today Edward William Hautanen married Mary Ann Vereb at St. Martha's church in Leechburg, Pennsylvania. They had their reception at the Old Mansion. I was in that neighbourhood Wednesday.

SEE EWE IN BETTOR DAZE

And you ask me what I want this year
And I try to make this kind and clear
Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days
Cuz I don't need boxes wrapped in strings
And desire and love and empty things
Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days
So take these wordsAnd sing out loud
Cuz everyone is forgiven now
Cuz tonight's the night the world begins again
And it's someplace simple where we could live
And something only you can give
And thats faith and trust and peace while we're alive
And the one poor child that saved this world
And there's 10 million more who probably could
If we all just stopped and said a prayer for them
So take these words
And sing out loud
Cuz everyone is forgiven now
Cuz tonight's the night the world begins again
I wish everyone was loved tonight
And somehow stop this endless fight
Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days
So take these words
And sing out loud
Cuz everyone is forgiven now
Cuz tonight's the night the world begins again
Cuz tonight's the night the world begins again

Better Days
by the Goo Goo Dolls

I DID get some nice presents and I hope we see better days in 2006

janedoe@seductive.com

HOME ALONE

Now I'm home alone after being surrounded by family, friends and co-workers for two days. Thank G-d for the pigs.

HOME AGAIN

Got home this afternoon. No one killed anyone and I have enough material for a book. Or s soap opera script.

janedoe@seductive.com

CHECKING IN

Thanks to the friendly folks at Altell, Dell and Earthlink, Internet Access is slightly easier than launching a missile or communicating with the dead, so probably no one will hear from me again until I get home.

HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS

Oh, there’s no place like home for the holidays,
‘Cause no matter how far away you roam,
When you pine for the sunshine of a friendly gaze,
For the holidays, you can’t beat home, sweet home.

I met a man who lives in Tennessee,
He was headin’ for,
Pennsylvania, and some home made pumpkin pie.
From Pennsylvania, folks are travelin’
Down to Dixie’s sunny shore,
From Atlantic to Pacific,
Gee, the traffic is terrific.

Oh there's no place like home for the holidays,
‘Cause no matter how far away you roam,
If you want to be happy in a million ways,
For the holidays,
You can’t beat home, sweet home.

Take a bus, take a train
Go and hop an aeroplane
Put the wife and kiddies in the family car
For the pleasure that you bring
When you make that doorbell ring
No trip could be too far

I met a man who lives in Tennessee,
He was headin’ for,
Pennsylvania, and some home made pumpkin pie.
From Pennsylvania, folks are travelin’
Down to Dixie’s sunny shore,
From Atlantic to Pacific,
Gee, the traffic is terrific.

Oh there's no place like home for the holidays,
‘Cause no matter how far away you roam,
If you want to be happy in a million ways,
For the holidays,
You can’t beat home, sweet home.
For the holidays,
You can’t beat home, sweet home.

I am going to Pennsylvania in a few hours -- I prefer that infinitely over Dixie's sunny shore.

janedoe@seductive.com

HAPPY HANUKKAH!

For those ot you who celebrate Hanukkah, here are the Kosher pigs:

http://www.guinealynx.info/forums/viewtopic.php?t=25435&start=0

None of these pigs are mine. To see my pigs, click here:

http://www.geocities.com/thatjanedoe/janedoespigs

WET CHRISTMAS

Here in DC it's a wet Christmas instead of a white one. Here is a Christmas song written by a nice Jewish boy. It's a Hungarian link sent to me by a Lutheran couple in Florida.

FOR UNTO US A CHILD IS BORN

"For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given: and the government shall be upon his shoulder: and his name shall be called Wonderful, Counselor, The mighty God, The everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace."

Isaiah 9-6

PRAY FOR PEACE

"Pray to whomever you kneel down to: Jesus nailed to his wooden or plastic cross, his suffering face bent to kiss you, Buddha still under the Bo tree in scorching heat, Adonai, Allah. Raise your arms to Mary that she may lay her palm on our brows, to Shekhina, Queen of Heaven and Earth, to Inanna in her stripped descent.

Then pray to the bus driver who takes you to work. On the bus, pray for everyone riding that bus, for everyone riding buses all over the world. Drop some silver and pray."

Ellen Bass

I heard this at Geraldine's party. It has to be the most eclectic I've been to in a while. There was a lady in a Sari and a guy wearing a Masonic name badge. Actually it's kind of peaceful tonight, especially without the pigs.

Pigglies actually has extra pigs this Christmas.

'TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS AND...

...oh, never mind. Dropped the pigs off at the vet's. Went to mass at my new church. Had a drink after that at the Mayflower. This is my first Christmas here since 1985. It was at my parents' house in Falls Church. My father was still alive.

WHERE I COME FROM, WHERE I'M GOING

http://www.ellenjaye.com/hist_detail_mono3_schenley.htm

http://kiskijunction.com/Bagdad2.html

http://kiskijunction.com/Bagdad3.html

http://kiskijunction.com/Bagdad4.html

Ok, actually this is where Mom comes from and where I'm going Monday.

janedoe@seductive.com

THE SHORTEST DAY

According to the WTOP guy today is the shortest day of the year. According to this site the sun has already been setting a little later every day for a while, although you wouldn't realize it. Things get worse before they get better.

janedoe@seductive.com

THE SECOND-SHORTEST DAY

Tomorrow is supposed to be the shortest day of the year. The twilight looks so beautiful over the National Cathedral. Early darkness makes neon signs look even brighter. Human beings should not be expected to shop, bake cookies, send cards or attend parties at this time of year. They should be at home hibernating.

BLESSED BE

Today marks the winter solstice. Although the TOP guy sez Friday will be the shortest day of the year.

janedoe@seductive.com

CHRISTMAS #1

Christmas is #1 of the latest Lycos 50.

MATTERS OF THE HEART

Saw my cardiologist. All four valves are ok. His generic winter holiday gift to me: no more tests for at least six months.

janedoe@seductive.com

GETTING BETTER ALL THE TIME

Found more echinacea tea in the kitchen.

FAT FORWARDS:

One of the pig people wrote this on behalf of people who insist on sending huge feel-good files, usually dealing with Jesus, kittens, rainbows. You get the idea:

Because you mean more to me than I can ever say
I'm going to make you download this for all the freakin' day
and all the time you're waiting
I just know you'll think of me
cos all your other friends have more computer lit-ra-cy
and each time you write politely
and you ask me not to send
another little butterfly will die (just for pretend)
another precious fairy's candle flickers and then ends,
so help me clog the Internet, and forward to your friends!!!

SYSTEMS FLUSH

Woke up feeling coldish, so now I am trying to drive all the bad biological agents out of my body by any means necessary -- plenty of fluids, hot food, hot showers. Everyone else must feel this way, too. Got the last packet of echinacea tea out of the machine at work.

SUPPORT THIS BLOG

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IF YOU CHOKE A SMURF

What colour does it turn?

Jodi wants to know this. It's because of questions like these that i don't sleep well.

I AM NOT DEPRESSED

From what I have heard, some of the symptoms of depression include "lack of interest or enjoyment in activities the patient once found pleasureable." I still find interest in and take pleasure in eating, drinking, sleeping, reading, watching videos and cuddling the pigs. In fact I wish I were doing that right now. The problem is, I have to be in Pentagon City in about an hour.

janedoe@seductive.com

WHY I DRINK

Because, unfortunately, the larger part of my income comes from talking to people like this:

Log On - Add farwood to the woodstove
Log Off - Don't add no more farwood
Monitor - Keep an eye on the woodstove
Download - Gettin' the farwood off'n the truk
Mega Hertz - When yer not keerful gettin' the farwood off'n the truk
Floppy Disk - Whutcha git from tryin' to carry too much farwood
RAM - That thang whut splits the farwood
Hard Drive - Gettin' home in the wintertime
Prompt - Whut the mail ain't in the wintertime
Windows - Whutcha shut in the wintertime
Screen - Whutcha shut to keep them dang flies out
Byte - Whut them dang flies do
Chip - Whut yew eat when yore watchin' Wrastlin'
Microchip - Little itty-bitty thangs yew eat when yore watchin' Wrastlin'
Modem - Whut yew done to them hay fields
Dot Matrix - Dan Matrix's ol' lady
Lap Top - Whar the kitty sleeps
Keyboard - Whar yew hang the truk keys
Software - Plastic knives and forks
Hardware - Steel knives and forks
Mouse - Whut eats the grain in the barn
Main Frame - Whut holds up yer mobile home trailer
Port - Some of that city-slicker wine
Enter - Yankee talk fer "Come on in ya'll"
Random Access Memory - When yew cain't 'member whut yew paid fer the huntin' rifle when the ol' lady asks
Mouse Pad -- Hippy talk fer rat hole

A LONG DECEMBER

A long december and there’s reason to believe
Maybe this year will be better than the last
I can’t remember the last thing that you said as you were leaven’
Now the days go by so fast
And it’s one more day up in the canyons
And it’s one more night in hollywood
If you think that I could be forgiven...i wish you would
The smell of hospitals in winter
And the feeling that it’s all a lot of oysters, but no pearls
All at once you look across a crowded room
To see the way that light attaches to a girl
And it’s one more day up in the canyons
And it’s one more night in hollywood
If you think you might come to california...i think you should
Drove up to hillside manor sometime after two a.m.
And talked a little while about the year
I guess the winter makes you laugh a little slower,
Makes you talk a little lower about the things you could not show her
And it’s been a long december and there’s reason to believe
Maybe this year will be better than the last
I can’t remember all the times I tried to tell my myself
To hold on to these moments as they pass
And it’s one more day up in the canyon
And it’s one more night in hollywood
It’s been so long since I’ve seen the ocean...i guess I should.

by Counting Crows

They say the song is about depression. I can stand the cold better than I can the lack of light. December is almost over and so is 2005. Let's hope 2006 will be better -- it's supposed to be a power year for Leos. 2005 hasn't been NO pearls, but most of them are very tiny and have very little market value -- job prospects and relationships that fizzle out pretty quickly. The newest job isn't a record-holder, but near one.

janedoe@seductive.com

HILTON #1

Paris Hilton is #1 of the latest Lycos 50. For the whole year. She beat Hurricane Katrina and Pope John Paul II.

SOME HANDY-DANDY CATHOLIC PRAYERS

While we are on a prayer kick, here are some prayers I grew up saying:

The Our Father -- Self-Explanatory:

Our Father, who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come, thy will be done, on earth as it is in Heaven. Give us this day our daily bread and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us. And lead us not into temptation, But deliver us from evil. Amen

Note we don't "finish" it except at mass. This bothers me. Woody Allen says "thine is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever and ever. Thou hast a good job. Don't blow it."

The Hail Mary (Ave Maria)

Hail Mary, full of grace, the lord is with thee. Blessed art thou among women and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death, amen.

Glory Be:

Glory be the to the father, the son and the Holy Spirit. As it was in the beginning it was now and ever shall be a world without end, amen.

Another prayer for the dead:

O my Jesus, forgive us our sins, save us from the fires of Hell. Bring all souls to Heaven, especially those most in need of thy mercy, amen.

Note: say it like you MEAN it, especially the part about bringing ALL souls to Heaven. There's way too little of that.

Grace before meals:

Bless us O lord and these thy gifts which we are about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our lord, amen.

Before Dad's memorial luncheon Mom asked whether I was gonna write my own prayer. I said no, I was gonna use the one God wrote. Barbara says these prayers are not written by God but by old men. Still, it is very comforting to have these prayers committed to memory when you need them.

Grace after meals:

We give thee thanks for all thy benefits almighty God and may the souls of the faithful departed through the mercy of God rest in peace, amen.

This bothered me as a child -- it implied the faithful departed choked to death, died of food poisoning or were found face-down in the pasta.

To Our Lady:

Hail Holy Queen:

Hail Holy Queen, Mother of Mercy, our life, our sweetness and our hope.To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve. To thee do we send up our sighs mourning and weeping in this valley of tears. Turn then, most gracious advocate, thine eyes of mercy toward us, and after this our exile show us the blessed fruit of thy womb, Jesus. O clement, O loving, O sweet Virgin Mary.

The Memorare:

Remember O most gracious virgin Mary that never was it known that anyone who fled to thy protection, implored thy help or sought thy intercession was left unaided. Inspired with with confidence, I fly to thee, O virgin of virgins, my Mother. To thee I come, before thee I stand, sinful and sorrowful. O Mother of the Word Incarnate, despise not my petitions, but in thy mercy, hear and answer me. Amen.

To those of you Evangelical assholes who say we "worship Mary" I have two words: "bite me." This is my blog, and if you don't like it, get your own. At least we don't handle snakes. Although I don't always agree with Mark Shea, a convert to Catholicism who believes all Evangelicals are out to get us, I like what he said about people who say "why do you people worship statues?" He said someone answered "we don't worship statues any more. Now we worship banners."

The Novena to St. Jude:

This one is more complicated. You have to say it nine times a day for nine days.
It worked for me ten years ago. I would say it again but I am waiting to see whether the Christmas Novena mentioned on December first will work. As Geraldine Amaral says, "don't pester the spirits."

Miscellaneous:

O Mary conceived without sin, pray for us who have recourse to thee.
Mother of Good Counsel, counsel and protect us.
St. Joseph, friend of the Sacred Heart, pray for us.
Sacred Heart of Jesus I place my trust in you.

ON THE DEATH PENALTY

I have not thought so much about an execution in years, but probably because I was working and monitoring the networks and wire services all night. I have been thinking about the Williams execution and the death penalty all day long. When I was a kid I saw the movie I Want to Live with Susan Hayward. Mom and told me Barbara Graham had killed someone, that's why she was executed. I think she personally believed Barbara was innocent. In CCD they thought us "thou shalt not kill," but Dad told me it wasn't a sin if you were an executioner or if you killed someone in self-defense or in an act of war. In sixth grade we took a tour of the FBI building and we learned about the Rosenbergs and I learned they could kill you for betraying your country. There were no executions for a long time until Gary Gilmore. I learned he had killed someone, too, and that's why they killed him.

Personally I believe "thou shalt not kill" applies to war, to abortion, euthanasia and the death penalty. Maybe not to self-defense but I'm weird. While I oppose both Gulf Wars and the Viet Nam War I think maybe World War II wasn't a bad idea, even though I speak German. Governor Schwarzenegger could have granted Williams a stay of execution but he didn't, saying Williams expressed no remorse over what he had done. Would I vote for Arnie as a result of this? Hard to say. If the guy who robbed me had murdered me as he threatened I would not want him killed, but not sure what Mom and Dad would have wanted.

As Williams is dead, the only thing to do now is to pray for the traditional prayer for the dead for him and his victims: "Eternal rest grant unto him O Lord and let the perpetual light shine upon him. May his soul and all the souls of the faithful departed through the mercy of God rest in peace. Amen.

WILLIAMS EXECUTED

The CNN reports Crips founder Stanley Tookie Williams has been executed by lethal injection at California’s San Quentin Prison.

I LOVE MY CALENDAR PIGS

The Animal Welfare League of Alexandria, from whence cometh my beloved Pippin/Thunder and Pandora, has its 2006 Pets of Alexandria Calendar out. There is a nice tribute to Lightning near the front.

janedoe@seductive.com

THEY SAY THE DARKEST HOUR

Is just before the dawn. Woke up feeling not too chipper. Drove to work, noticed the car making a funny noise. Yep, flat tire. So I pulled it over, abandoned ship on Wisconsin Avenue and hailed a cab. I did not want to carry anything, so most of my stuff is in the vehicle. It's 32 degrees outside, dark as Egypt and as I could not stop at Mac's or 7-11 I have not had anything to eat in the last 13 hours except three cookies. Fortunately there is echinacea-blueberry tea in the Flavia machine. The GM Roadside Assistance people say they will be there when I get off work.

I DO LIKE SEX

Saw Something's Gotta Give. Gee, the older woman-younger man thing. Never had to deal with that. In one scene Diane Keaton says "I DO like sex." Yeah, I do, too, if memory serves. In my opinion both her ex husband and new BF are so much more worthy of her than Jack Nicholson, yet she seems to prefer him. Then again, people can't understand why I'm not attracted to men who worship the ground on which I walk, no matter how well-suited they are. Towards the end Keanu drinks a toast "to the forces of destiny that brought us together."

What bothered me -- technically: Jack takes far too few medications for someone who has just had a heart attack -- far fewer than my father and grandmother -- and despite not having made any lifestyle changes he doesn't have a second heart attack. My cardiologist doesn't bear much resemblance to Keanu Reeves. He looks more like Anthony LaPaglia, who I admire VERY much. Still, I wouldn't mind dating Keanu Reeves or having a Keanu Reeves look-alike as my cardiologist. And Keanu probably wouldn't even THINK of asking Diane to have a threesome. And Diane's daughter ends up married to a really cute guy her own age -- the kind for which I would KILL.

Probably the most depressing thing was watching Diane hold everything right up to her face in order to read it. With me presbyopia set in when I was about 18, but it is getting progressively worse. At the office Christmas party I commented on how the menu choices were printed in such nice big letters. One of the guest looked at my with extreme pity and said "do you have trouble seeing? Sigh.

THE GOD(DESS) OF SMALL THINGS II

Every year I get invited to something or other that requires us to bring a toy for a small child. Or we take up a collection at work. This year I had an idea. All year 'round I see cute little things, usually costing about a dollar, which I love and I think some little kid would love. I would feel silly buying it for myself and most of my cousins' or friends' kids aren't around so I end up not buying it. Now I figure whenever I see something cute some little kid might like I will buy it and save it. By next Christmas I will have a whole bag of stuff. Although most organizations have a suggested amount to spend, I figure I will give the organizers the whole bag of stuff. That way rather than making one kid happy it will make a couple kids happy.

THE LION, THE WITCH AND THE WARDROBE II

Saw the Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe. My advice: wait until it becomes a Blockbuster Favourite. But that's probably because I'm not into that kind of stuff. I haven't seen any of the Tolkien or Harry Potter films. Also, I wouldn't take a very small child or an older child or even an adult who's bothered by violence, even though it's not too violent for my taste. I DID like the beavers -- they look like my beloved Pippin. And I could relate to the kids' mother. She looks the way I feel.
What bothers me is that the White Witch was probably my favourite character. I like the idea of driving a chariot pulled by two polar bears. Beats riding Metro.There were lots of bible thumpers there, who are probably in favour of the war in Iraq. I'm sure they feel terrible about the cute little English children who have to leave their home becauseof the bad man in the brown uniform but probably don't think twice about the cute little Iraqi children put out of their homes because of oh, never mind.

janedoe@seductive.com

IMAGINE

25 years ago today Mark David Chapman shot John Lennon. I remember that night. We had the day off because it was the feast of the Immaculate Conception. I had the four White Album pictures on my wall and when I got back to my dorm room that night I found John's picture had fallen on the floor. I said "Oh, crap, John's picture fell off the wall." That night I was at my desk studying for a either a German test or a biology test. I put on the radio and I heard Starting Over and I Want to Hold Your Hand back-to-back. I thought "that's unusual that they would play two of John's songs one right after the other." Then I heard he had been shot. I should have written this down years ago. I'm getting old. And fat.

THE LION, THE WITCH AND THE WARDROBE

Going to see The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe with people from work. We will be among the first people in Washington to see it.

MY KINDA PEOPLE

In what they call a "flagrant display of hostility toward teetotalers and the lactose-intolerant" these people are throwing an "afternoon/early-evening death rage." I guess they are getting too old to throw an "all-night death rage." The invitation also says "please dress up somewhat." I have no idea what that means. To some of the people with which I hang it could mean "please bathe" or "please wear shoes" or "no, this is NOT a clothing-optional party."

janedoe@seductive.com

HAPPY HOLIDAYS?

First it was offensive to non-Christians to wish people Merry Christmas. Now it's offensive to Christians to wish someone just "happy holidays." Ironic -- Jesus was about inclusion and tolerance -- he said there was no more Greek nor Jew nor slave nor free. For me the"holidays" begin with Thanksgiving and end with Valentine's Day, Mardi Gras or Chinese New Year, whichever comes last. As far as I'm concerned any excuse to get dressed up, throw a party, and give gifts is fine with me.

janedoe@seductive.com

TOBEYFEST

I still have about five Blockbuster coupons I need to use by the end of the year, so I am watching The Wonder Boys. I figure I could have my own private little Tobey Maguire film fest, so if I don't pick up the phone or reply to your e-mails you can figure out what I'm doing.

JASPER N JEFFY

The surfin' pigs. Not to be confused with long pigs.

CHRISTMAS #1

Christmas was #1 of the latest Lycos 50.

WHICH IS WORSE?

"And I can't decide which is worse."

Tom Petty

Which is worse? A guy who just wants your body or one who just wants your mind? And what happens if you have one of each and they're both hot?

janedoe@seductive.com

WHAT A LOAD OF CRAP. LITERALLY.

George Noory's vegan asshole guest says about milk "you wouldn't eat cheese made from your next door neighbour's breast milk yet you get it from milk sucked out of a cow you don't know." To which I say "plants get their nutrients from animal feces which they suck out of the soil yet you eat that."

Another vegan asshole says "take some raw meat and put it on the table. Turn up the thermostat to 98 degrees and smell it a couple days later. That's what happens when you put meat into your body." I got news for you, honey, put a head of cabbage or cauliflower on the table, leave it in the 98-degree heat for a couple days and smell that. It ain't gonna smell like roses, either.

GET A NUMBER!

Hey, Craigslist users: if you place or respond to an ad, for God's sake, give a LOCAL number! Most of the people who use Craigslist are poor or cheap or both -- the last thing we want or need to do is pay long-distance charges.

MEGA-LOW MART

A recent survey shows Walmart has inaccurately scanned prices and overcharged customers. This week the 7-11 guy charged me for a slurpee refill rather than a soft drink refill and the Xando guy charged me for a mocha rather than a latte. Each time that was 30 cents too much. That's 60 cents a week. Times 52 weeks a year that's overcharging me $31.50 a year.

O CHRISTMAS CARD, O CHRISTMAS CARD

Normally December first is the day I start sending out my generic winter holiday cards. This year I will send out about 50. In odd-numbered years I only send cards to people who are related to me, people I really care about or those who have sent ME cards last year. In even-numbered years I am more generous.

About 20 years ago My dad brought home the greatest card from work. On the outside it said "things are tough, times are hard." On the inside it said "here's your fucking Christmas card." Aunt Ellen didn't think it was very funny.

janedoe@seductive.com

THE ABC'S OF CHRISTMAS SHOPPING

Macy's, Penney's, VSC, AC Moore and LNT.

There is a "tax holiday" on clothes and accessories in DC. Lucky for me a Miracle Bra is considered one of those things.

CHRISTMAS NOVENA

Hail, and blessed be the hour and moment
At which the Son of God was born
Of a most pure Virgin
At a stable at midnight in Bethlehem
In the piercing cold
At that hour vouchsafe, I beseech Thee,
To hear my prayers and grant my desires
(mention request here).
Through Jesus Christ and His most Blessed Mother

Sister James Patrice taught us this prayer in seventh grade. She told us if we said it for nine days we would get what we wanted by Christmas. This year I am hoping to stick it out for the whole nine. For meditations for each of those nine days click here. WARNING: these meditations will NOT make you feel good about yourself, but that's Catholicism As for what I am praying for, there are so many things I want but probably few which I really need. I narrowed it down to one.

WORLD AIDS DAY

Today is World AIDS Day.

SUPPORT THIS BLOG

And this blogger. Click here. My address is radiobaby@hotmail.com

janedoe@seductive.com

HERE BE PIGS

As Ravenshade says, "here be pigs."

janedoe@seductive.com

THANKSGIVING #1

Thanksgiving is #1 of the latest Lycos 5o.

DEAD MAN FARTING

I changed the title of my November 18th post from "People in Comas" to "Dead Man Farting." Brandilynn says that's some of her best material -- bloaty dead people.

janedoe@seductive.com

PENIS VAN LESBIAN

Is more attention-grabbing than Dick Van Dyke. But then it's not as family-friendly, either. George's late brother-in-law was named Donald but everyone called him "Don," however, no one refers to Donald Duck as "Don Duck." Come to think of it, no one refers to Mickey Mouse as "Michael Mouse" or "Raymond McMouse" or whatever his real name is.

ADVENT, ADVENT

Today is the first Sunday of Advent. This year I don't have the energy to put together an advent wreath. I have purple candle from Tammy's wedding and the holder from the Yahrzeit candle purchased on November 23rd. In the spirit of interfaith cooperation and lack of energy on my part I am putting the one purple candle in the Yahrzeit holder and burning it for a few minutes each Sunday in Advent. Forget about having a tree.

BLACK FRIDAY

WTOP says it was a gray Friday. Stores were full, but evidently people weren't spending as much. In some cities people came to blows over laptops. My father would have said "what horseshit."

PIE MAKES THE WORLD GO 'ROUND

In addition to the dinners he brought a frozen pumpkin pie and a homemade apple pie his wife had made. No one had touched either so about 21 hours later so I figured they were fair game. I took the Saran wrap off the apple pie and OMFG, I c an't remember the last time I had a pie like this. I was gonna bring Cool Whip or something like it but I forgot. It didn't matter. It didn't need Cool Whip, ice cream, sauce or anything of that persuasion. That's how good it was. Ruth makes one like this, with vanillla instead of cinnamon. I think it's a French thing. It is out of this world. There is nothing like homemade crust, either. A couple days before he died Dad told Mom he wanted Ruth's apple pie so she made one. A good thing, too, it was the last pie he ever ate. There was still some left when I flew into Florida the next day.

janedoe@seductive.com

IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE

"It's a sucky life and just when you think it can't suck any more it does."

Phoebe Buffay on Friends

Well, this morning I was sitting there at work thinking I am the most miserable person in DC and this is the worst Thanksgiving ever. Last year my boss told me to give him the receipt for my dinner and he would reimburse me. This year he didn’t mention it so I figure he had had an attack of the cheaps. I kept my KFC receipt anyway. Then, at around three AM, bossman, who is not a touchy-feely guy, show up with NINE turkey dinners. He thought everything, even butter for the rolls. The turkey was cut into slices, rolled and each roll was filled with stuffing. I thought “what’s he doing, bringing burritos for Thanksgiving.” Then I realized he really HAD thought of everything. I have not been so touched by a gesture in a long time. I felt like George Bailey in It’s a Wonderful Life, except I am not Donna Reed and I am not Married to Jimmy Stewart. Maybe it won’t be the worst Thanksgiving/Christmas/New Year after all.

THINGS FOR WHICH I AM THANKFUL

I realized last year I didn't list anything for which I am thankful. Gee, what an ungrateful little wench I am.

This year I am grateful :

That no family members or pigs have died within the last four months.
That Mom and her siblings and Dad’s four sisters are all in reasonably good health.
That Peppy and the pigs are healthy.
That I am healthy even though I have to drag myself out of bed.
That I have a place to live and will for about the next 27 or 28 years. I do not have to answer classified ads or deal with rental agents, roommates or landlords.
That my career has not gone any farther downhill and that things may be actually looking up. For people like Catherine who live within walking distance and offer to meet me for a drink on Thanksgiving or my birthday.

LIVING ON A PRAYER

If you need a good prayer to say before dinner, here is one:

"Bless us, O, Lord, and these thy gifts which we are about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, amen."

If you have issues with Jesus, just say "Bless us, O, Lord, and these thy gifts which we are about to receive from thy bounty. Amen."

YAHRZEIT

I have what the Jews call "yahrzeit," or "time of year." Actually according to the Hebrew calendar it was last week, but I'm not Jewish anyway. When I was about 12 Mom found out you could make cool things with Yahrzeit candles. That year everyone got made-over Pringles Potato Chip containers with Rokeach candles inside. The Giant closest to me was closed so I drove to the Kosher Mart in Rockville. Inflation being what it is the candles are smaller, but they did the trick. I put it on top of the TV over the pigpen, right in front of a tryptic of Our Lady, Baby Jesus and a bunch of angels.

janedoe@seductive.com

FOOD AND FRIENDS

Food and Friends still needs apple and pumpkin pies to deliver to people tomorrow. You can drop them off at their location in Northeast DC.

janedoe@seductive.com

BLOGGER FUCKED UP

Blogger is too fucked up to properly link to my pig page so I'm going shopping.

janedoe@seductive.com

MATTERS OF THE HEART

Made an appointment to see the cardiologist because I'm due for one. I am also due for a tooth-cleaning and a follow-up mammography but I have decided to pick my pain. The cardiologist is the least painful and humiliating.

janedoe@seductive.com

CAN YOU READ THIS?

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid. Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? Yaeh and I awlyas thought slpeling was ipmorantt.

janedoe@seductive.com

TOODLES TO TED

Tonight is Ted Koppel's final Nightline broadcast. He's been doing it for 25 years. Makes me feel old. Must make him feel REALLY old.

THANKSGIVING #1

Thanksgiving is #1 of the latest Lycos 50.

DON'T FUCK WITH ME

I have had it up to here and I am not in the mood for it.

UNIVERSALLY PISSED OFF

Nurgle has a great expression "universally pissed." One of my elementary/high school classmates writes "I read your blog almost every day. I need to get a life." Uh, thanks.

janedoe@seductive.com

SIT ON A HAPPY FACE

That's what I feel like telling about 99 percent of most people I run into. I am still angry and depressed about having to work over the holidays, but time and a half lessens the blow a little. It's not having to work so much as the fact that no one appreciates it. If I had thought I would be training for a new job at my age and having to work over the holidays I would have had more fun in college. As I am not a hurricane victim no one will deliver a free turkey dinner or CD player to my home, so I will probably end up reheating a take-out dinner from KFC or microwaving a TV dinner at work. I can identify with that guy Dominick Maldonado in Tacoma who said "The world will feel my anger." This morning after work I bought myself a cheerful hot pink lipstick for $1.05 at CVS so I can at least PUT on a happy face.

janedoe@seductive.com

NOBODY LISTENS

Which is depressing. Which is why I get depressed.

THEY MAKE GREAT GIFTS

The new Smooth Jazz CD is out and benefits the Washington Jazz Arts Institute. Here I am with Grooms and Santos. I am the "friend."

OH, BETTY, WHERE ART THOU?

No, I haven't "turned homo" as one of my Catholic school friends termed it, although it does seem like a more and more viable alternative. I am sitting on the couch in front of the TV eating Betty Crocker milk chocolate frosting right out of the can. I will be like Goldie Hawn in Death Becomes Her.

AAAAAAHHHHHH

Slept more than 12 hours. Can't remember the last time I did that.

Now I am craving bacon.

DEAD MAN FARTING

Mom tells me people in comas fart. Brandilynn says so do bloaty dead people. As I don't deal with either much I will have to take their word for it.

janedoe@seductive.com

WALK THE LINE

The Johnny Cash biopic with Joaquin Phoenix and Reese Witherspoon opens today. I remember the day Johnny died -- I was running the board at WMAL.

janedoe@seductive.com

SOME RELIEF

For the first time since October 15th, or maybe 14th, I have the day off. I don't have to be anywhere till midnight Sunday. I plan to spend the day eating, drinking and sleeping.

janedoe@seductive.com

CRAPPY HOLIDAYS

Not only am I gonna have to work 13 hours Thanksgiving Day, I have to work the Friday and Saturday after, possibly Christmas Eve and New Year's Eve. This is gonna be the worst Thanksgiving/Christmas/New Year ever. The only consolation is I can hit the shops immediately the Friday morning after Thanksgiving.

YET ANOTHER DEATH

One of the Pig People lost her husband Tuesday morning GMT.

janedoe@seductive.com

POKER #1

Poker is #1 of the latest Lycos 50.

CELL PHONE BANK ROBBER ARRESTED

WTOP reports police arrested 19-year-old Candice Rose Martinez in Centreville this morning.

ARMED AND DANGEROUS

One of the biggest stories around here (it even made the networks) is one about a woman going around robbing banks talking on her cell phone the whole time. One of the banks she's accused of robbing is near where I grew up and went to high school. At least one time she allegedly showed the teller a gun. I can well imagine how he/she felt.

janedoe@seductive.com

GONNA TRY SOMETHING



Hey, it worked! This is what I look like. This is me at George and Hope's wedding.

REINVENTING ONESELF

A local Goodwill spot has a guy talking about how he was shot and paralyzed as a result. He was a forklift operator and obviously couldn't go back to work so Goodwill re-trained him in computers. He says he's now doing better than he was before but he wouldn't recommend getting shot as a way to self-improvement. Neither would I. I guess it is possible to reinvent oneself.

PARIS BURNING

George Noory's guest says Nostradamus predicted the burning of Paris. When you Google "Paris" you get a lot of "Paris Hilton." Roger doesn't think she's very pretty. Mom says "isn't she kind of a slut?"

ANOTHER REASON I NEVER GOT MARRIED

Because of men who send me e-mails like this: "I don't recall that. You'll have to be more specific. I don't know what "prfc" stands for. My previous email pretty much said what had to be said as far as I was concerned. I'm an unadorned and fairly raw personality. I don't put on pretenses for anybody...By your response I infer you have no further interest in me. That is fine. I have no time for snobs. I apologized and stressed I was willing to listen to you and correct myself. Apparently this meant nothing to you as your only reply was to mention another equally inappropriate comment I made. I'm willing to listen to you but apparently you aren't willing to reciprocate. Find men who are willing or adept at playing "the game" of dating..the pretense...the different costumes...etc. I don't have the inclination for it. I'm myself. Go get a phoney for your baloney."

This guy lived in subsidized housing on disability payments. Our one "date" was in a food court. I had a diet soda, he had water. It was Dutch.

SURVIVOR

Well, I survived the "informal gathering" with boys, now men, who made my life miserable in high school and elementary school telling me I looked great and to call them. I also surived Veterans Day, but could not stop thinking about my father. He was a veteran and he died on a Friday. Also, my darling Lightning died on a Friday. A guy on WTOP was talking about how spending the day with his corpsmates (corpsmen) was important to him. I guess they're like classmates. A TV anchor guy said there are 25 million veterans in America. As war is part of our nature, veterans will not be an endangered species.

A FINE DAY FOR A REUNION

When my Uncle Sonny blew back into town
Said I'll just go for a ride and have a look 'round
He took off his fedora and stuck his fingers in the crown
And he pulled out twenty dollarsAnd he laid that money down
He called out to a taxi cab
Take me down to Central Park
And keep that meter runnin' to the twenty dollar mark
And he kept his eyes turned forward
And he sat up straight and tall
And no one even noticed him, no one cared at all
It's a fine, fine day for a reunion
It's a fine, fine day for comin' home
You did your sittin', you did hard time
But you ain't gonna sit no more
They can't keep you there no moreIt's a fine, fine day
And nothin's gonna take you, nothin's gonna take you away
It's a fine, fine day, oh yeah
First time I saw Sonny, I was just about this tall
He always made my momma kinda crazy when he'd call
Him and my old man would stand and whisper in the hall
Then they'd dissappear and maybe not come home at all
Then one day Sonny stopped comin' around
Heard he'd gotten himself into a little trouble out in town
Sometime after that he finally disappeared for good
Then he pulled that ol' Houdini
Like we always knew he would
It's a fine, fine day for a reunion
It's a fine, fine day for comin' home
You did your sittin', you did hard time
But you ain't gonna sit no more
They can't keep you there no more
It's a fine, fine day, oh yeah
And nothin's gonna take you
Nothin's gonna take you away, oh yeah
It's a fine, fine day, fine day
It's a fine, fine day, fine day
It's a fine, fine day, fine dayI see you made it back all right, all right
I see you're none the worse for wear
It's been a long time comin'
Nothin's gonna drag you away from here
A fine, fine day
And nothin's gonna take it, nothin's gonna take you away
Oh yeah
A fine, fine day, oh yeah
A fine, fine day
A fine, fine day
And nothin's gonna take you
Nothin's gonna take you away, away
A fine, fine day, fine day
A fine, fine day

by Tony Carey

It's a fine day for a high school reunion but we're not having one, just an "informal get-together."
Unfortunately I think I do look worse for the wear, at least I weigh less than I did four years ago.

janedoe@seductive.com

PARANOIA

It's 51 degrees outside but it's supposed to feel colder because of the wind we're supposed to have. It was already blowing when I left work this morning. For some reason I am feeeling paranoid -- maybe because this is what the weather was like when Lightning died. The night before he died I took a class at First Class and I am scheduled to take one tonight -- also Dad, Grandma and Aunt Mary died right after I took classes there. Even though I have not had enough sleep in the past couple days I still can't sleep despite two generic cold and flu night time capsules. There is no logical reason for this -- the pigs are fine and things are looking up careerwise and relationshipwise although there is nothing I can hang onto yet.

I HAD A DREAM

Dreamt I was at my high school -- it was more beautiful and luxurious than I remembered. The principal asks me to bring him some ice tea and I wonder whether it is a regular ice tea or Long Island ice tea. I wander around the school and forget it, then feel terrible. My uniform still fits even though I weigh more than 40 pounds more than I did then. I am determined to "do it right this time" because I feel there is something lacking in my life. In a waking state I realize it's silly to re-do things that happened over 20 years ago. This is the not the first time I have had such a dream. It could be because my graduating class is having an "informal get-togther" Friday night. We are not having a real "reunion" this year.

janedoe@seductive.com

HALLOWEEN #1

Halloween is #1 of the latest Lycos 50.

VOTE EARLY AND OFTEN

Oops, wrong state. Virginians elect a new governor tomorrow. The choices are between incumbent Democratic Lieutenant Governor Tim Kaine and Republican Jerry Kilgore. The fun doesn't start in Maryland until next year.

janedoe@seductive.com

LEAVE OF ABSENCE

"Ich sitze am Straßenrand
der Fahrer wechselt das Rad.
Ich bin nicht gern, wo ich herkomme.
Ich bin nicht gern, wo ich hinfahre.
Warum sehe ich den Radwechsel
Mit Ungeduld?"

The Tire Change

I sit on the edge of the road
The driver changes the tire.
I don't like where I came from.
I don't like where I'm going
Why do I watch the tire change with impatience?

No, I haven't taken a leave of absence from this blog. I found out I can't work four jobs seven days a week so I have taken a leave of absence from one of them. Honestly I don't feel really good about it, but it had to be done.

Der Radwechsel

by Berthold Brecht

janedoe@seductive.com

CITY OF FIGHTS

Le Figaro reports rioting has spread from the Paris suburbs to the city. Copycat riots are spreading through France.

ALL THE NEWS THAT'S FIT TO PRINT

Rose says her idea of heaven is having enough time to read the Sunday New York Times . She didn't say actually reading it was heaven. For those of you who don't have access to the print edition, click here.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

My head is stuffed up and my contacts are gunked up. Made some coffee, trying to stay awake.

SUPPORT THIS BLOG

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IT'S JUNE IN JANUARY

Or maybe May in November. Temperatures went up to 75 degrees today. Right now it's 56 degrees, winds are calm, relative humidity: 89%, visibility: six miles, barometric pressure : 30.06. I'm sure it will get worse, but right now I guess the thing to do is make hay while the sun shines.

SOMETHING'S GOTTA GIVE

I have worked every single day since October 15th. I feel guilty about sitting on the patio at Zorba's and having a glass of wine. I didn't go to church All Saints Day or All Souls Day but I did pray for Grandma, Dad, Aunt Mary, Mark and Lightning.

janedoe@seductive.com

ROSA PARKS BURIED

They buried Rosa Parks in Detroit yesterday. I imagine her friends and relatives were relieved to have everything over with. I know I was with my father. He's been dead over a year. Why am I not over it?

ALL SOUL'S CAKES

Today is All Soul's Day, or "Day of the Dead" in the Latin countries. Or maybe that was yesterday. Traditionally in England people went around on Halloween begging for "soul cakes" in return for prayers for the departed. Last year Mom didn't want any trick or treaters. Maybe she should have given out soul cakes. There was an article on Catholic Exchange about a woman who gave her kids little slips of paper to hand out to the houses saying they would pray for the "host's" departed relatives. I like that.

janedoe@seductive.com

HALLOWEEN #1

Halloween is #1 of the latest Lycos 50.

DON'T SAY "SHIT"

In front of the B-a-b-y. Divim says swearing makes Baby Jesus cry. Karen says if that were true He would never stop crying around her. Brandilynn says "Baby Jesus cries when you pinch him. When he is baby Jesus he is a baby and does not understand cuss words. He did not just PRETEND to be a baby."

In Little Women Amy says "I like to think that He was a little child once." In Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood , Vivian asks Our Lady whether the Son of God ever pooped or puked on her.

janedoe@seductive.com

THIS WILD PIGGY

Reuters reports Seoul is being attacked by wild boars. At the same time I was reading this I heard something on Radio America about Spiderman. My two favourite subjects -- Tobey Maguire and pigs.

HALLOWEEN

Today is Halloween, the day the Celts believed the veil between life and death was at its thinnest. To see a picture of my vampire pigs, click here. To see a picture of my darling Lightning with his glowing red eyes click here.

Last year I was at Mom's and she didn't hand out candy. Not sure whether she's going to this year. As usual I bought a bag, but probably won't have any trick or treaters.

janedoe@seductive.com

GO GATORS?

Florida beat Georgia 14-10 in Jacksonville yesterday. I am trying to care.

FALL BACKWARDS

Set your clocks back one hour if you haven't already.

UNHAPPIEST OF ANNIVERSARIES

A year ago today I still had a father. I have been dreading this day. In some ways things are more painful than the day my father died. Fortunately I either slept or worked most of it so it passed relatively painlessly. That no family members or pets have died in the last three months I take as a good sign. I still dream occasionally about my father and sometimes my grandmother, but nothing bad.

AWFUL BETA

Now people are getting ready for Tropical Storm Beta. Dallas says we should not have stopped at Wilma -- we should have had a Hurricane X. And a "Y." And a "Z?"

janedoe@seductive.com

52 WEEKS/TWO YEARS

52 weeks since my father died. Two years since the robbery. This is gonna be a fun weekend.

janedoe@seductive.com

SOX TAKE SERIES

The Chicago White Sox won this year's world Series last night. It's their first series win since 1917.

MURDER BY THE NUMBERS

CBS reports there are two thousand dead in Iraq. Nevertheless, Cindy Sheehan isn't helping.

janedoe@seductive.com

SUPPORT THIS BLOG

Click here. My address is radiobaby@hotmail.com

HALLOWEEN #1

Halloween is #1 of the latest Lycos 50.

ROSA PARKS DEAD

CBS reports civil rights pioneer Rosa Parks died yesterday at age 92. She was older than my father, younger than my grandmother.

GOLDEN IDOL

"He gave his life for tourists."

Steve Martin was honoured with the Mark Twain Award for American humour. Here is something Kevin wrote in the Steve Martin vein: "Hey, in farmer's field I was soon to be already making this swinging sex with fox from Serbia, when on tractor you my brother ran over my many bulges and her big Bosnian breasts on way to swinging party, much as tanks running over students we have thrown rocks at and run from manytimes!"

janedoe@seductive.com

GAILY TREADING THE MEASURE

"Let us gaily tread the measure, Make the most of fleeting leisure, Hail it as a true ally, Though it perish by-and-by.

Chorus.

Hail it as a true ally, Though it perish by-and-by.

Edith.

Every moment brings a treasure
Of its own especial pleasure;
Though the moments quickly die, Greet them gaily as they fly, Greet them gaily as they fly."

From the Pirates of Penzance by Sir Arthur Seymour Sullivan

Yes, though the moments quickly die it is important to greet them gaily as they fly.

Today is Kevin Kline's birthday. He played the pirate king in the movie version of Pirates.

Two of the pig people have a pair of pigs named Gilbert and Sullivan.

janedoe@seductive.com

SOMETHING NEW OVER WHICH TO OBSESS

Inasmuch as I am obsessed with my own weight, big fat Pippin's inability to lose it and baby Pandora's inability to gain it, I have bought a scale on which to weigh both pigs. Of course I have been weighing them and myself obsessively.

janedoe@seductive.com

PORPOISE SPEW

Had a couple freebies to use up so I rented Muriel’s Wedding from Blockbuster. I had forgotten what a tacky bunch of bitches Toni Colettte hung around with. Reminds me of some of the girls I went to high school and college with. Never mind how common they actually are – I am still hurting from their words, such as “what do you know about anything? You come from some hick town in Virginia.” That’s why even now, unfortunately, it’s more important for me to date physically attractive men than men with money or education and to be on the air (or in the papers or on the Internet) than it is to earn a lot of money – I still feel the need to impress the assholes I went to elementary school, high school and college with even though most of them now live in tract houses in Loudon County. In the movie Rachel Griffiths refers to the fictional town of Porpoise Spit as “revolting.” I wouldn’t say that about Falls Church, but I DO feel that way about Gainesville.

ALPHA BITES

The Associated Press reports Tropical Storm Alpha is already forming. We've run out of names in the western alphabet.

I GET MISTY

It's cold and wet outside -- a good day to stay in.

51 WEEKS

Next week it will be one year since my father died and two years since the robbery. While things are looking up, I can't help wondering "what's next? Who's gonna die next? Am I gonna get robbed again?"

janedoe@seductive.com

WILMA!

Hurricane Wilma is headed for the Yucatan Peninsula, packing 145-mph winds. If she hits Florida and Mom's house is trashed, I'm sure Sean Penn won't come to visit her, LaVar Arrington won't treat her to a free shopping spree and Shaquillle O'Neal won't buy her free shoes. To her Bruce Springstone yell "Wilma!" click here.