SAME SHIT DIFFERENT DAY

Taoism - Shit Happens. If you can shit, it isn't shit. Shit happens,so flow with it. Shit is the highest good. When shit happens, it benefits all things generously and is without strife

Confucianism - Confucius say "Shit Happens"
Buddhism - If Shit Happens, it really is not Shit
Zen - Shit only Happens when it does not Happen. Shit is, and is not.What is the sound of shit happening?
Hinduism - This Shit Happened before (and it will Happen again)
Islam - If Shit Happens, it is the will of Allah. If shit happens, kill the person responsible. If shit happens, blame Israel. We don't take any shit
Sunni Islam - If it happens to be shit, it's Allah's will and you'd better submit! Shiite happens

Shi'ite Islam - WE WILL DESTROY YOUR SHIT! If shit happens, take a hostage
Nation of Islam - Don't take no shit!
Protestant - Let Shit Happen to someone else! If shit happens, praise the lord for it!
Catholic - If Shit Happens, you deserve it! You were born shit, youare shit, and you will die shit

Charismatic Catholic - Shit is happening because you deserve it, but we love you anyway

Presbyterian - This shit was bound to happen

Episcopalian - It's not so bad if shit happens, as long as you servethe right wine with it. If shit happens, hold a procession. It's true, shit does happen - but only to Lutherans

Methodist - It's not so bad if shit happens, as long as you serve grape juice with it
Congregationalist and Unitarian - Shit that happens to one person isjust as good as shit that happens to another

Lutheran - If shit happens, don't talk about it. Shit happens, but as long as you're sorry, it's OK. Have faith that shit will happen
Fundamentalism - If shit happens, you will go to Hell, unless you are born again(Amen! Shit must be born again)

Conservative Judaism - Why does Shit always happen to us?

Judaism - Why does shit always happen just before closing the deal?
Reform Judaism - Got any laxatives? Shit happens to whom it may concern

Orthodox Judaism - So shit happens, already!

Atheism - Shit Happens for no apparent reason. No shit. What shit? I can't believe this shit! Agnostic - I think Shit Happens. Maybe shit happens; then again, maybe not. Did someone shit? What is this shit? It looks and smells like shit, but I haven't tasted it, so I'm not sure whether its shit or not
Baptist - I believe Shit Happens! (Amen!) You are shitting all wrong, and you'll be punished for it. We'll wash the shit right off you

Southern Baptist - Shit will happen. Praise the lord!

Shi'ite Baptist - Shit will happen, but only the way we say it will happen and if it doesn't happen we will make it happen because that'sGod's will and we know it...

Calvinism - Shit happens because you don't work

Seventh Day Adventism - No shit shall happen on Saturday

Creationism - God made all shit

Televangelism - Send more shit. If shit happens to a televangelist, it's okay. Your tax-deductible donation could make this shit stophappening...

Amish - Shit is good for the soil. This modern shit is worthless

Secular Humanism - Shit evolves

Christian Science - When shit happens, don't call a doctor - pray. Shit happening is all in your mind

Quakers - Let us not fight over this shit

Unitarianism - Come let us reason together about this shit. Go ahead, shit anywhere you want

Utopianism - This shit does not stink at all

Darwinism - This shit was once food. Survival of the shittiest

Capitalism - That's my shit

Communism - Let's share this shit

Feminism - Men are shit. This shit happened before, and WE won't clean it up!

Chauvinism - We may be shit, but you can't live without us...

Commercialism - Let's package this shit

Impressionism - From a distance, this shit looks like a garden

Idolism - Let's bronze this shit

Existentialism - Shit doesn't happen, shit IS. What is shit, anyway?

Stocism - This shit doesn't bother me

Hedonism - There's nothing like a good shit happening!

Mormons - If shit happens, the Church gets 10%. God sent us this shit. This shit is going to happen again. Hey, there's more shit overhere!

Scientology - If shit happens, see "Dianetics", p. 157. Feces occurs

Jehovah's Witness - Let us in and we will tell you why Shit Happens. May we have a moment of your time to show you some of our shit? Shit has been prophesied and is imminent; only the righteous shall survive its happening. Knock, knock. Shit happens. No shit happens until Armageddon. There is only a limited amount of good shit. Here, we insist you take our shit. Shit happens door to door. Open the door and I'll show you what shit is. Good Morning, I have some shit fory ou to read

Hare Krishna - ShitHappensShitHappensShitHappens... Shit Happens,Rama Rama Ding Ding. She-it happens, She-it happens, happens,happens, she-it, she-it...(repeat until you become one with she-it)Please this flower and buy our shit

Rastafarianism - Let's smoke this shit

Paganism - If you send shit out into the world, it will return to you threefold

Stoics - This shit doesn't bother me

Moon-ism - Only really happy shit happens

Zoroastrianism - Shit happens half of the time

Practical - Deal with shit one day at a time

Satanism - SNEPPAH TIHS

Nihilism - No shit

New Age - This shit has an aura. This shit is all ONE shit. Shit came to me in a vision...That's not shit, it's feldspar. A firm shit does not happen to me. This isn't shit if I really believe it's chocolate. I create my own shit. If shit happens, honour it and share it.Sheeeeeeeeeeit! Were all part of the same shit. For $300, we can help you get in touch with your inner shit

Astrology - If shit happens, blame Saturn. Shit is written in the stars

Wiccan - As it harm none, let shit happen. If shit happened once, it will happen twice more. The Goddess makes shit happen

Assembly of God - Our shit doesn't stink, but other people's does.

I cannot take credit for this -- go to http://www.angelfire.com/bc2/battgirl/worldsreligionsakordingtoshit.html

THE POOP SONG

Poopy, poopy, poopy, poopy,
Poopy all day long,
Poopy, poopy, poopy, poopy,
Sing this poopy song.

Again, I cannot take credit for this one, it is a version of the "Penis Song" I heard on Saturday Night Live about 16 years ago. For those of you who ask why I must resort to such vulgarity, fuck the whole lot of you. It's been a poopy day. Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you.

THE SHIT SONG

Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, or as the mother of a stupid-ass hick I dated in graduate school said, "shit to the tenth power." I realize this is not really a song.

THE FUCK SONG

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,
Fuck-a fuck-a fuck-fuck,
Fuck, fuck, fuck fuck fuck,
Fuck-a fuck-a fuck, fuck fuck!

Sung to the tune of Witch Doctor

When I first heard Witch Doctor, I was about three or four and had undergone pyschologically traumatic and scarring surgery, so I was terrified of anything having to do with doctors. Unfortunately, I cannot take credit for the above song -- I give it to one of my college friends. We learn such nice things in Catholic school.

THE OW SONG

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
Chorus:
Ow! Ow! Ow!
Ow! Ow! Ow!
Ow! Ow! Ow!
Second Verse:
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
Repeat Chorus
janedoe@seductive.com

HELP IS ON ITS WAY

"Why are you in so much hurry?
Is it really worth the worry?
Look around, then slow down.
What's it like inside the bubble?
Does your head ever give you trouble?
It's no sin, trade it in.
(Chorus)Hang on, help is on its way,
I'll be there as fast as I can,
"Hang on", a tiny voice did say,
From somewhere deep inside the inner man.
Are you always in confusion?
Surrounded by illusion?
Sort it out, you'll make out.
Seem to make a good beginning,
Someone else ends up winning,
Don't seem fair, don't you care?
(Chorus)
Don't you forget who'll take care of you,
It don't matter what you do,
Form a duet, let him sing melody,
you'll provide the harmony."

Kerry kept saying this during his speech and at least one commentator said "help is on its way" may become the next catch phrase. Kind of like Don't Stop for Slick Willy?

by the Little River Band

NO SURRENDER
 
"Well, we bursted out of class
Had to get away from those fools
We learned more from a 3-minute record, baby
Than we ever learned in school
Tonight I hear the neighborhood drummer sound
I can feel my heart begin to pound
You say you're tired and you just want to close your eyes
And follow your dreams down
Chorus:Well, we made a promise we swore we'd always remember
No retreat, baby, no surrender
Like soldiers in the winter's night
With a vow to defendNo retreat, baby, no surrender
Well, now young faces grow sad and old
And hearts of fire grow cold
We swore blood brothers against the wind
Now I'm ready to grow young again
And hear your sister's voice calling us home
Across the open yards
Well maybe we'll cut someplace of own
With these drums and these guitars'
Cause we made a promise we swore we'd always remember
No retreat, baby, no surrender
Blood brothers in the stormy night
With a vow to defendNo retreat, baby, no surrender
Now on the street tonight the lights grow dim
The walls of my room are closing in
There's a war outside still raging
You say it ain't ours anymore to win
I want to sleep beneath
Peaceful skies in my lover's bed
With a wide open country in my eyes
And these romantic dreams in my head
Once we made a promise we swore we'd always remember
No retreat, baby, no surrender
Blood brothers in a stormy night
With a vow to defend
No retreat, baby, no surrender"

by Bruce Springsteen
John Kerry is giving his main speech in Boston now -- they just finished playing No Surrender. Yeah, I've often said that myself. I guess Bruce approves of the use of his song.

THE LIVES OF THE MUSES

"By the time she met Lennon, Yoko was living in squalid, roach-infested poverty -- a state from which she had no dependable prospects of ever extricating herself...Stravinsky asked about the new dancer, and Balanchine replied: 'Igor, this is Suzanne Farrell. Just been born.' It seems clear that Farrell (who had already put in years of grueling work, practice, planning, risking everything, enduring severe physical pain) was hardly the newborn star hatched full grown from the head of the god, the mind of the artist."

From The Lives of the Muses by Francine Prose. I finally finished it. You might remember I quoted Francine Prose on March 14th. It's not a bad book, but rather a slow read and Prose devotes far too much time to women such as Lou Andreas-Salome, whom I had never heard of and still have little interest in. Like Yoko Ono, I am living in what almost amounts to squalid, roach-infested poverty (I really must remember to put out new roach traps) and like Suzanne Farrell, I have endured and risked a lot, losing almost all of it.

"the unpleasantness that can result when the muse's duties change from posing nude in the sand dunes to cataloguing negatives and shopping for organic crackers."

I sometimes wonder whether I should consider a career as a muse, as my career as an artist has been totally lackluster. I have not posed nude in awhile. Honestly, I would not mind putting everything on hold for the right man and "shopping for organic crackers," but those for whom I would have done it are just plain disinterested.

BACK HOME AGAIN

Flew back from Sarasota tonight, and boy, are my arms tired. The last words my father and I spoke to each other were not in English.

janedoe@seductive.com

HILTON #1
 
Paris Hilton is #1 of the latest Lycos 50.

PLEASE COME TO BOSTON

The Democratic convention starts in Boston tody. I'm in Florida. If you are here, eat at Sonny's Barbecue.

Despite all the mean things I have said about Gainesville, they do make good Barbecue. Also, if you're in Sarasota, get soft ice cream at Mel's Drive-in on Rte 41.

janedoe@seductive.com

STUPID CAB DRIVER TRICKS



1) Drive right past your passenger even if she is violently waving and shouting. If you are responding to a dispatch, tell her you couldn't find the address.
2) Make your passenger cross a busy street rather than making a u-turn to pick her up.
3) Refuse to help your passenger with any piece of luggage weighing over two pounds.
4) If you are at Dulles Airport, do not let two or more people not stopping at the same destination ride together, even if their destinations are 50 feet apart. Insist they take the cab behind you, allowing your fellow cab drivers to damage the environment and share the wealth.
5) Conversely, pick up as many passengers along the way as your cab will hold, even if your passenger reserved a cab with you the night before.
6) Open all four windows of your cab as far as you can. This is an especially cute trick if the temperature is under 50 degrees or over 90 or if you are driving faster than 55mph.
7) Not bathing, washing your hair or using deodorant is also a cute trick.
8) Do not drive faster than 5mph, even if it is 4:00 AM and there is no other traffic in sight.
8) Trolling for fairs at 3mph on a busy thorofare during rush hour is also a trick bound to delight passengers and fellow motorists alike.
9) If you are driving your passenger from Reagan National Airport to Northwest DC, the quickest way there is by way of Baltimore.
10) If you are driving your fare from Northwest DC to Dulles Airport, the quickest way is by way of Richmond.
11) Delight your passenger with your collection of ethnic music CD's. Religious and political material is also best displayed on your bumper, window or inside the vehicle itself.
12) Once you arrive at your destination, in addition to your "base fare," make sure you tack on an airport surchage, baggage surcharge, fuel surcharge, wheel surcharge, door and window surcharge, motor surcharge, breathing surcharge, existing surcharge and getting your passenger to her destination alive surcharge.
13) Pretend you don't have any change. Passengers love that one. Certainly they shouldn't mind letting you keep the change from a 50-dollar bill if the fare was fifteen dollars or less.
14) If your passenger tips you less than 50%, snarl at her, dump her about a block away from her final destination and refuse to help her with her luggage.
15) Should your passenger have the nerve to complain about any of the above, pretend you don't speak English.

GO ASK JANE


"One pill makes you larger
And one pill makes you small
And the ones that mother gives you
Don't do anything at all
Go ask Alice
When she's ten feet tall
And if you go chasing rabbits
And you know your going to fall
Tell them the hookah-Smoking caterpillar has given you the call
Call Alice when she was just small
When the men on the chess board get up and tell you where to go
And you just have some kind of mushroom
And your mind is moving slow
Go ask AliceI think she'll know
When logic and proportion
Have fallen four feet
And the white knight's talking backwards
And the Red Queen Says off with her head
Remember what the dormouse said
Feed your head
Feed your head"

The White Rabbit by Jefferson Airplane

In about an hour I am going to get onto a plane. At my eye doctor's advice I will be fortified with Benadryl and Sudafed. I think I was 30 years old when Jeff explained to me what Jefferson Airplane meant by "one pill maks you large, one pill makes you small." When I was a junior in high school the material I read about Lewis Carroll suggested Alice in Wonderland was a political satire, not a drug trip. The latest I read was that he was a pedophile and that the real Alice's parents made him stop seeing their kids.

BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO -- WOW! WHAT A DIFFERENCE

"I'll be darned if I'm gonna stand behind 18 people in line to rent one video. I'll go home and watch a test pattern first."

Ken H.  on Blockbuster's speedy staff.  
  
 

VICTIMS' COMP
 
Filed a claim with the DC Victims' Compensation Program this morning. Don't have the hang of this color thing yet.

SEND A PIG TO CAMP

Left both pigs at the vet's, before that took them to visit Aunt Amy.

Told her I was into Kaballah before Madonna was, she said "you were Kaballah when Kaballah wasn't cool."

LOOKS MATTER

"If a man wants inner beauty, he'll take X-rays."

Joan Rivers

Yeah, unfortunately, that is true, but it goes the other way.  It seems that at any social gathering I go to, the least desireable guy there will attach himself to me. Of course the fact that he's attracted to me automatically makes him less desireable. I e-mailed the guy at one of my clubs and told him about the last guy who just walked in off the street uninvited. Naturally this guy makes a beeline for me with no encouragement. The manager admitted the place is understaffed and that there should be someone to greet guests at the door. My ex called this evening. I had not spoken to him since Grandma's funeral because I thought he was being an insensitive jerk. He said he did not realize he was being an insensitive jerk and apologized. Meanwhile, the guy I wanted to call me, who said he would, didn't. He has the best attributes of Russell Crowe and  Toby Maguire. As I said, like it or not, looks matter. At least this time I had the good sense to realize he probably wouldn't call, so when he didn't call at the appointed time I went back to bed and turned the phone bell off.

janedoe@seductive.com

DARK (OR MEDIUM) CRYSTAL

About a month before she died Grandma mailed me a letter with some cash in it. Not realizing it would be the last letter she ever sent me, I put it away. Then I saw a cool paperweight at Beadazzled on Connecticut Avenue. Looked like a crystal ball.  I had wanted to buy it for a long time, so I bit the bullet and bought it. Although I've never had any luck with crystal balls, I figured it would freak the shit out of people when I give tarot readings. I also bought a quarter-carat heart-shaped diamond solitaire, never mind that it looks like an engagement ring, and a peridot band. I figured Grandma would have liked that. I will probably also buy a Magic 8-ball.

FALL INTO (OR OUT OF) THE GAP
 
I heard on Newschannel 8 that the gap between rich and poor in the District is ever-wider (widest). Given the choice, I would rather be one of the very wealthy.

THIS LAND IS YOUR LAND

This site takes a while to download, but it's funny as crap.  Never mind it doesn't mention Ralph Nader or Michael Badnarik.  Evidently when Woody Guthrie wrote his original version, it wasn't meant as a "God Bless America," Land of the Free" hymn of praise -- it was a protest song for people who felt they were disenfranchised by their own country. I forget where I first learned it -- it was either at school or camp in right-wing Virginia. One of my conservative friends made up her own lyrics "this land is your land, this land is my land, if you don't like it, go back to Thailand. " Not PC, but at least mildly amusing.

R. BUD LIVES

June's brother was walking down the street in NYC the other day and a guy jumped out a window. Landed splat on the sidewalk in front of him. Needless to say, bro was pretty shaken up although not physically hurt. A former coworker tells me about a former coworker of his who was at the press conference in which Pennsylvania state treasurer R. Bud Dwyer offed himself on camera. She took the rest of the day off.

HILTON #1
 
Paris Hilton is #1 of the Lycos 50.

SEE PRETTY COLORS

Evidently Blogger now  posts in different colors. Whee!

janedoe@seductive.com

THE DOOR IN THE FLOOR
 
The Door in the Floor  opened this weekend with little fanfare.   As an older woman with a thing for younger men, I find this discouraging.  The only thing missing is Tobey Maguire in the role of Eddie.

PUSS IN BOOTS

No, not what you think. Get your mind out of the gutter. It's a new Baskin Robbins ice cream flavor. Before Shrek, there was a story of a miller with three sons, a donkey and a cat. When the miller died, the oldest son got the mill, the middle kid got the donkey and the youngest was stuck with the cat, which he thinks sucks.  The oldest brother can grind grain and the other one can ride the donkey, but the most he can hope for is to make a pair of fur gloves out of the cat. This scares the cat, who tells him to go to the bootmaker and have a pair of boots made for him.  When I told Phyllis it bothered me that the son would be so gullible enough to do such a thing, she said "it's a fairy tale, Jane." At any rate, the cat puts on the boots and goes on two feet like a person.  The when the cat disappears for a long time, the son is in a funk and says "why did I listen to this cat?" (my thinking exactly) but the cat gets him an introduction to the kind. Why the king would listen to the cat is also beyond me, but again it's a fairy tale.  The miller's son gets into all kinds of adventures and eventually marries the king's daughter.  When the king dies the son becomes king and makes the cat prime minister.

MYSTIC RIVER

Rented Mystic River. Seeing Sean Penn as someone's father after seeing him as Spiccoli in Fast Times at Ridgemont High is like seeing Jennifer Jason Leigh playing the role of Dorothy Parker. Touched some raw nerves -- the crime scenes, the morgue, the funeral, the little kids making their first communion. At least my big sister wasn't murdered on my first communion day.

CRUEL SUMMER
 
I asked O'Brien whether he had a blessed Summer Solstice. He said he wouldn't remember, but at least it wasn't cursed. He's getting Catholic as hell.

THE REASON

"I'm not a perfect person
as many things I wish I didn't do
but I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
and so I have to say before I go
that I just want you to know
I've found a reason for me
to change who I used to be
a reason to start over new
and the reason is you
I'm sorry that I hurt you
it's something I must live with everyday
and all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
and be the one who catches all your tears
that's why I need you to hear
I've found a resaon for me
to change who I used to be
a reason to start over new
and the reason is you
and the reason is you
and the reason is you
and the reason is you
I'm not a perfect person
I never meant to do those things to you
and so I have to say before I got
hat I just want you to know
I've found a reason for me
to change who I used to be
a reason to start over new
and the reason is you
I've found a reason to show
a side of me you didn't knowa reason for all that I do
and the reason is you "

by Hoobastank

Great band, horrible name, but their bass player is of Finnish descent.

The song is schmaltzy as all get out, but I love the crescendos and I admit it, the sentiment 

PNC TO TAKE OVER RIGGS

PNC Bank is supposed to take over Riggs Bank. Not that I normally blog business news, but I have an account at Riggs.  Years ago when they had an attitude my dad tried to open an account there and they told him they couldn't do anything for him. That probably makes him feel good.  PNC also took over Bank of Delaware during the '90's.  When I was at WILM we had to do the bank of Delaware Weatherline every hour. Then it became the PNC Bank weatherline and we had to get used to calling it that. What's old is new again, sort of.

SO BEAUTIFUL YET SO STUPID
 
She wasted no time. "I see on your website  you have a full one-carat diamond for six hundred dollars."
 
"This way, madame," he said, leading her towards a display case, "would you like to try one on?" The knuckle of her right ring finger was unusually large.
 
"I broke it years ago" she told him. He also noticed although her nails were well-shaped the skin around them was dry and the polish on her index fingernail was chipped. He wondered what a woman like that did with her hands all day.
 
"No wonder it's six hundred dollars," she said in disgust. "They're a nasty colour and you can see the inclusions without a loup." This was a woman who would not waste his, her or anyone else's time. "I also saw you had some heart-shaped loose diamonds for about a thousand dollars apiece." 
 
"We can set it for you any way you like" he said as she placed the proffered stone on her right ring finger.
 
"I don't want anything that looks like an engagement ring, my parents will have fits" she said. "It won't be an engagement ring. As if I would marry a man who would provide me with less than a full carat anyway," she added. 
 
"Is it to be a friendship ring, a promise ring?" he asked politely, dying to know more but not daring to ask.
 
"My grandmother died a week ago and mailed me some money right before that. I may get more later, but I'm not counting on it. She would have liked to see me married.  There's a carat and a quarter waiting for me in New Orleans, but I don't love the man who wants to give it to me. I'd rather buy my own ring than have one from a man I don't love. My grandmother would understand that."  Her chilling directness stunned yet pleased him, leaving him speechless.
 
"I'll be back in about a week," she continued. "I was robbed at knifepoint in October and I may get some money from the city victims' compensation fund, but I'm not counting on that either." He had never had a customer like this in his life.
 
"Well, madame, I can certainly see if you'd like more time, here is my card. My name is Mohammed." The customer took the the extended card, turned on her heel walked out into the humid Maryland afternoon, leaving the electric chime of the store behind her.
 
 

SUGAR TIME
 
Saw my doctor, told him about my incredible carb cravings. Showed him pix of me and the pigs to show him how much weight I had gained and lost and gained back. He was more impressed by how much the pigs had gained than what I had.  I told him they had got so big because they had been fixed, as will dawgz, kitties and bunnies. He said he did not know this. As he is an endocrinologist, I find this disturbing.

BONNE BASTILLE!

Allons enfants de la Patrie
Le jour de gloire est arrivé
Contre nous de la tyrannie
L'étendard sanglant est levé
L'étendard sanglant est levé
Entendez vous dans les campagnes
Mugir ces féroces soldats
Ils viennent jusque dans vos bras,
Egorger vos fils, vos compagnes

{Refrain:}
Aux armes citoyens ! Formez vos bataillons !
Marchons, marchons,
Qu'un sang impur abreuve nos sillons

Que veut cette horde d'esclaves
De traîtres, de Rois conjurés ?
Pour qui ces ignobles entraves,
Ces fers dès longtemps préparés ?
Ces fers dès longtemps préparés ?
Français ! pour nous, ah ! quel outrage !
Quels transports il doit exciter !
C'est nous qu'on ose méditer
De rendre à l'antique esclavage !

{au Refrain}

Quoi ! des cohortes étrangères
Feraient la loi dans nos foyers ?
Quoi ! ces phalanges mercenaires
Terrasseraient nos fiers guerriers
Terrasseraient nos fiers guerriers
Grand Dieu ! par des mains enchaînées
Nos fronts sous le joug se ploieraient,
De vils despotes deviendraient
Les maîtres de nos destinées ?

{au Refrain}

Tremblez, tyrans ! et vous, perfides,
L'opprobe de tous les partis,
Tremblez ! vos projets parricides
Vont enfin recevoir leur prix
Vont enfin recevoir leur prix .
Tout est soldat pour vous combattre,
S'ils tombent, nos jeunes héros,
La terre en produit de nouveaux
Contre vous tous prêts à se battre

{au Refrain}

Français ! en guerriers magnanimes
Portez ou retenez vos coups.
Epargnez ces tristes victimes
A regret s'armant contre nous
A regret s'armant contre nous.
Mais le despote sanguinaire,
Mais les complices de Bouillé,
Tous ces tigres qui sans pitié
Déchirent le sein de leur mère

{au Refrain}

Amour sacré de la Patrie
Conduis, soutiens nos bras vengeurs !
Liberté, Liberté chérie !
Combats avec tes défenseurs
Combats avec tes défenseurs.
Sous nos drapeaux, que la victoire
Accoure à tes mâles accents,
Que tes ennemis expirant
Voient ton triomphe et notre gloire !

{au Refrain}

Nous entrerons dans la carrière,
Quand nos aînés n'y seront plus
Nous y trouverons leur poussière
Et les traces de leurs vertus
Et les traces de leurs vertus.
Bien moins jaloux de leur survivre
Que de partager leur cercueil,
Nous aurons le sublime orgueil
De les venger ou de les suivre !

{au Refrain}

La Marseillaise

Claude Rouget de Lisle 1792

Am a little under the weather -- can't think of anything better. Will wash down my Ibuprofin with a (California) Chardonnay

HILTON #1

Paris Hilton is #1 of the latest Lycos 50.

JAM UP 'N JELLY TIGHT
 
One of the greatest pairs of shoes I ever owned was a pair of jelly shoes. Don't laugh. I got them at Baker's at Tyson's Corner in 1984. Had I known how well they would hold up I would have bought ten pairs. They were translucent, were comfortable,went with everything and lasted for years. Now onyourfeet makes something calledthe Jammie shoe. I bought two pairs from Macys.

Phil calls them my "magic slippers"

THE THREE PIGS
 
Saw not one, but three Montgomery County cops on Fairmont Street.  Ben and Jerry's and Willie and Reed's will certainly be protected from jaywalkers, meter-feedersand people who don't wear seatbelts.
 
janedoe@seductive.com
 
 

I HAVE A RECURRING DREAM

Actually a number of them. It could be from stress, sleep deprivation, alcohol, diet, medication, etc. I dream about the robbery, my father and my and my grandmother a lot. In my dreams, Grandma is still alive and my father is young and healthy. I had a really good dream in which I was supposed to be married within the next 15 minutes. No idea to whom, but I was happy about it. There were also wedding pictures of various friends, some of whom I hadn't seen in a while, but all of whom were happily married. No idea why Dad was wearing a yarmulke.

THE ZOO STORY

Went to the zoo with a local singles group. It was free and worth the price of admission. Our guide, however, was great. She told us about one of her dates who talked about "scat" (feces) on their first date. There was no second date. I went out with a guy who talked about his bowel movements on our second date. Believe it or not there was a third date, but that was only because I had a birthday coming up and he had promised to buy me a present.

LAST NIGHT I HAD THE STRANGEST DREAM

Actually it was this afternoon/evening. Grandma was still alive. I showed her a picture of a woman and told Grandma I was attracted to her and didn't know why I would be. Grandma said "maybe a death in the family?" I told her by my age if I hadn't experienced the death of some family member or other, it would be unusual. I didn't realize Grandma was already dead. She was into dreams, ghosts, angels etc, so now she's probably having herself a field day.

PIG BITES

Thunder has developed the bad habit of biting my left shoulder. No other body part. At first I thought it was cute, but now I have bite wounds all over and one of them turned black and blue. This afternoon when I came home from work I realized my eyeliner had smeared. I looked like a Goth babe.

ANGELS IN BETHESDA

A cop hit a kid on a bike a couple blocks from work. If I hadn't got off early, I might have been there. No idea where Boss Hogg and his buddy were. Maybe the angels were with me again.

GNOSTIC PIZZA

Domino's is scheduled to go public next week. I told Mom I was gonna try to get in on the IPO, as I eat so much of their pizza. I thought she would lecture me on my sodium intake, but she's glad because the owner is Catholic. Yeah, I guess that's reason to invest. The last time I went to communion was Grandma's funeral. I was chewing gum, but I swallowed it. Does that break the fast?

MADE MY DAY

A younger guy told me "to me, you are gorgeous." Made my day.

ALL SOULS

Watched the All Souls episode of the X Files. Watching Gillian Anderson lead the last of the Nephilim towards the light reminded me of the famous guardian angel picture. Watching her release Emily reminded me that we have to let go of Grandma and that hopefully she's in a better place.

POOING ON THE RUG

My supervisor told me my skirt was too short, but otherwise she's very pleased with my work. I told her at least I don't poo on the rug. I guess you had to be there.

PIGLET

Boss Hogg has a friend now, who is not quite as big as he is, but getting there. I guess you could call him Boss Hogg in Training, or "Piglet."

HILTON #1

Paris Hilton is again #1 of the latest Lycos 50.

WHO WANTS TO MARRY MY DAD?

Watched Who Wants to Marry My Dad? What a bunch of bitches that guy has for daughters. Marty is not that hot-looking and probably doesn't have enough money to make it worth it dealing with those bitches.

DON'T SAY A WORD

Rented Don't Say A Word. Although some of it was improbable, I really enjoyed watching Famke Janssen and Brittany Murphy get back at the men who had hurt them and their families. The second guy who robbed me has suffered enough, I think, but even though it's wrong, I would still like to hurt the first one. I never got back the 90 or 100 dollars he charged to my three cards.

PROPOSITIONED

Wow! this is my 900th post! A guy tried to pick me up in front of Suntrust in Cleveland Park after work. He told me he was a musician, liked the way I looked, asked whether I wanted to party with him. I told him "no"-- he was kind of geeky-looking. Actually I felt a little sorry for him, too. A guy tried to pick up one of my girlfriends in front of Sears. She had just had a baby and was shopping for nursing bras. The ironic thing is, her husband's a minister.

INDEPENDENCE DAY

Well she seemed alright by dawn's early light
Though she looked a little worried and weak
She tried to pretend he wasn't drinkin' again
But Daddy left the proof on her cheek
And I was only 8 years old that summer
And I always seemed to be in the way
So I took myself down to the fair in town
On Independence Day...

Well, word gets around in a small, small town
They said he was a dangerous man
But Momma was proud, and she stood her ground
She knew she was on the losin' end
Some folks whispered, some folks talked
But everybody looked the other way
And when time ran out there was no one about
On Independence Day...

Let freedom ring
Let the white dove sing
Let the whole world know that today,
is a day of a reckoning
Let the weak be strong
Let the right be wrong
Roll the stone away
Let the guilty pay
It's Independence Day

Well, she lit up the sky that Fourth of July
By the time that the firemen come
They just put out the flames and took down some names
and sent me to the county home
Now I ain't sayin' it's right, or it's wrong
But maybe it's the only way
Talk about your revolution
It's Independence Day...

Let freedom ring
Let the white dove sing
Let the whole world know that today,
is the day of a reckoning
Let the weak be strong
Let the right be wrong
Roll the stone away
let the guilty pay
It's Independence Day

Roll the stone away...
It's Independence Day...



by Martina McBride

It figures Sean Hannity would use a song which glorifies alcoholism, domestic violence and pyromania.

CADILLAC RANCH

"Well there she sits buddy just a-gleaming in the sun
There to greet a working man when his day is done
I’m gonna pack my pa and I’m gonna pack my aunt
I’m gonna take them down to the cadillac ranch

Eldorado fins, whitewalls and skirts
Rides just like a little bit of heaven here on earth
Well buddy when I die throw my body in the back
And drive me to the junkyard in my cadillac

Cadillac, cadillac
Long and dark shiny and black
Open up your engines let `em roar
Tearing up the highway like a big old dinosaur

James dean in that mercury `49
Junior johnson runnin’ through the woods of caroline
Even burt reynolds in that black trans am
All gonna meet down at the cadillac ranch

Cadillac, cadillac...
Hey little girlie in the blue jeans so tight
Drivin’ alone through the wisconsin night
You’re my last love you’re my last chance
Don’t let `em take me to the cadillac ranch

Cadillac, cadillac..."

by Bruce Springsteen

My former housemate, Susan Fraga, has got herself a red Grand Am from Mary Kay. Her mom has got a pink Cadillac. Go Susan!

janedoe@seductive.com

IGNORANT PEOPLE

I told an Assembly of God guy I work with my grandmother had died. He said "did you go to the uh...funeral?" and looked kind of embarrassed. I wanted to say of course, dipshit, we're Catholic. What do you think we did? Left her in the hospital morgue? Threw her into the river? Do I look like the kind of woman who wouldn't attend her own grandmother's funeral? Grandma told us about how when her mother came to America there was a baby that died onboard ship. They buried it at sea. Maybe I wrote that before. I am lucky to have to deal with losing a grandparent at my age -- some people never met their grandparents or don't remember them.

IN THE NAIL SHOP

Got an eyebrow wax, manicure and pedicure today. The air conditioning wasn't too good so it was humid even with the fans and the customers and staff were languid and quiet. There was an altar with some oranged and three small cups of what looked like tea in front of it -- it was kind of like being in Southeast Asia, except for the TV in the corner tuned to channel four. The women with geisha-like subservience all speak Vietnamese to themselves and each other in a complaining tone. Don't know whether they're complaining about my feet or whether it's just their way of expressing themselves (like Thunder with his "brr" sound). I'm sure I must be quite a sight -- a giant white woman with size nine and a half feet, corns, bunions and dewclaws. When she was giving me a hand massage the woman pulled a couple of my fingers -- it was kind of like tug of war with the pigs. One of my co-workers has a kid who thinks "pull my finger" is the funniest thing he's ever heard, but then the kid is four years old.

For the eyebrow wax I have to lie down on my back looking up at the stucco ceiling and the lace curtain. Kind of an inner-city Spanish Harlem experience. When it was over the woman let out a squeal of delight like nothing I had ever heard -- sounded like something like from another planet. Again, not sure whether she was glad to be done with me or just happy that it's Saturday and the eve of a holiday and she was almost done. To think the pigs fuss so much when they get their toenails cut -- they only have fourteen.

ANGELS IN AMERICA

Or at least in Maryland/DC/Virgnia/Delaware. Ten years ago I
nearly totalled my car and my co-anchor's car. It will go down as one of
the great moments in radio history. Probably my seat belt was the only thing
that kept me from going thru the windshield. Grandma said "the angels
were with you" and I wondered why the angels hadn't prevented me from having an
accident in the first place. In 1998 they buried Edna on my birthday.
Grandma said "Edna wanted to be with you on your birthday." I said
"couldn't she have just invited me to dinner?" Come to think of it, it was the
first one of our birthdays in years in which all of us were together. Tuesday
when I was at Grandma's funeral the Suntrust bank, which I pass about twice
every day, was robbed. Wednesday a guy was hit by a bus on East-West
Highway. Maybe the angels were with me.

YOU ONLY GET EGGROLL?

I seem to be making friends with carryout cashiers and parking lot attendants. That sez a lot about my life. Last night at Hunan #1 the guy asked me "how are you" and I said "my grandmother died last Saturday and my father is very sick." A couple weeks ago I had an incredible craving for mustard so I ordered an eggroll from the Mayflower. The woman said "you only get eggroll?" as opposed to the usual combination lo mein. One bad afternoon the parking lot attendant said "you leave early. You okay?" That parking lot is now closed for the next two years -- I have no idea whether that woman still has a job.

BRANDO DEAD

Marlon Brando died today in Los Angeles at age 80.

janedoe@seductive.com

BACK TO WORK

Dragged myself back to work today.

UNCLE JOE'S MEAT SANDWICH

When my grandparents went to the World's Fair Aunt Anna watched the kids. She asked Uncle Joe what kind of sandwich he wanted and he said "meat without any bread." Aunt Anna said "what the hell kind of sandwich is that?" When I recounted this story to Uncle Joe at Grandma's funeral he said "I still don't eat much bread." It must work -- he's skinny as a rail.

HOME SICK AGAIN

Called in sick, but feeling better now.