CLASS ACT

After working all night Thursday, Ted Koppel got up early enough to do a phoner with Bob Edwards on his last day and wish him luck. Evidently Bob was making too much money.

IT'S A BEAUTIFUL DAY

It's 76 ° in downtown Washington, relative humidity 33%, Winds out of the South-Southwest at 20 mph, barometric pressure at 30.31 inches and steady and I'm stuck inside. It would be a beautiful day to go outside and shoot video. No, not that kind of video, news video.

SIX MONTHS

Just when you thought it was safe to read my blog again. It's been exactly six months since the robbery. Coincidentially, I wore the same dress I wore the day of the robbery. Like that day, the weather was beautiful and sunny and my car was parked on the same street. On the way over to it I saw a bunch of kids about the same age as the one who robbed me. I said "hi" to them. I also said a prayer for the kid. I still have trouble sleeping.

Today I called a Montgomery County cop a fat tub of lard. There is a fat pig who sits there in front of Starbucks on his motorcycle like a rotting vegetable. Another cop gave me a warning for jaywalking and I said "instead of giving people tickets, why don't you do something about that fat tub of lard who just sits there on his motorcycle all day? He's disgusting! He should be walking a beat or riding a bicycle instead of just sitting there like a big vegetable." It felt good.

FREE CONE DAY

It's Free Cone Day at Ben and Jerry's. If you hurry, you can still get one.

HILTON #1, AIKEN #2

Paris Hilton is #1 of the latest Lycos 50, Clay Aiken is #2.

A HAPPY AND AN UNHAPPY ANNIVERSARY

Today marks the tenth anniversary of South Africa's first multi-racial democratic election. It also marks the 18th anniversary of the Chernobyl meltdown.

I was living in Europe at the time. That would explain some things. Looking through my diary ten years later I wondered why I didn't note anything as significant as a nuclear meltdown. Then I realized the Soviets kept it a secret as long as they could. We were told not to eat wild game and various fruits and vegetables that year. There was a lot of wild boar, deer, duck and rabbit served in the Mensa in the spring and summer of 1986. The sister of an acquaintance was pregnant. I asked my boyfriend what would become of the baby. He said "probably nothing." Years later I was with my parents and their friends at a restaurant in Florida. After polishing off everything on my own plate and my father's leftovers, I started looking at the plates of other people. Mom, embarrassed by her gluttonous daughter, said quickly, "Janey used to live in Europe and she didn't get enough to eat then." At the time I was actually living in Delaware and not getting enough to eat there, either.

MARCH FOR BABIES' DEATHS

Naah, I wouldn't go so far as to call it that, but does the fact that I oppose abortion mean I'm against women's lives? Or for women's deaths? Even if I'm against the war in Iraq, for sex education and for birth control for responsible adults? The Planned Parenthood people also had a rape crisis booth set up. Does the fact that I'm against abortion mean I'm in favor of rape? How many of you women even had your Volvos keyed, or your Louis Vuitton wallets stolen, let alone were victims of rape or other violent crimes? I had my life threatened by a 14-year-old who was probably the product of unprotected teenage sex, but I don't think his mother should have aborted him.

Unfortunately, people on both sides of the issue (myself included) are making themselves and their causes look unpopular. The baby in the jar? Nice touch, almost as classy as the t-shirts saying "the only Bush I trust is my own" and "George Bush gives other bush a bad name." And what is with these men demonstrating against abortion? How many of them get pregnant? On the other hand, what about "Lesbians for a Better America?" How many lesbians have unplanned pregnancies, let alone require the abortions they so passionately defend? And to all you Blacks, Jews and women with people with disabilities carrying "keep abortion legal" signs, don't you remember a nasty little event called the Holocaust? There are probably people out there who think you were a mistake, should not have been born and don't deserve to live.

THE HOMECOMING

It's homecoming weekend at my college. I didn't go, even though it's a gorgeous weekend. I figure I already have contact to the girls (now women) I cared about, and unless I were Katie Couric, I would have nothing I wanted to share with the others. Mom says "what makes you think you're a failure? You're doing what you like and you're good at it, you're just not earning much money."

FOR THOSE ABOUT TO DRUM

We salute you. Rockrgrl magazine profiles up and coming (and already come) female drummers.

JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE PARANOID

Doesn't mean the world isn't out to get you. My boss, who is paranoid anyway, says Books a Million wants receipts for Hillary's book as a way of tracking people. That bothers me, because I live in the neighborhood and buy a lot of stuff there. Suppose someone is shot or a bomb goes off at a book signing event. The powers-that-be say "hmmm...Jane Hautanen. Lives in the neighborhood, buys stuff at Books a Million, uses her member card, has voiced anti-Gulf War opinions." Of course, if it bothered me that much, I could pay cash and forgo the 10% member discount. Then again, Woody Allen said "I think you're the opposite of paranoid. You labor under the delusion that everyone likes you" or something like that.

HILLARY, OH HILLARY

Hillary Clinton is speaking at Books a Million on Dupont Circle today. I was gonna go, but I found out you have to buy a copy of the book and show a receipt. So much for that.

COLUMBINE ANNIVERSARY

The Columbine Massacre was five years ago today. How time flies. One of the victims was quoted as saying she remembers a stinging sensation in her spine when she was shot. I asked myself whether it would hurt when the guy threatened to shoot me.

MORE OF JANE'S RULES OF DATING

This is one of the most right-on articles on dating I've seen in a while.

Also:

1) Unless you're expecting a call from the Pope, leave the cell phone off. And when he does call, please keep it brief.

2) You are not interviewing your date for a job. Do not bombard her with questions about her likes and dislikes, income, family background, family's income, etc

3) Don't use profanity with restaurant staff. This is not a demonstration of machismo, it's a display of assholeishness.

4) If you find women stop calling you after you tell them about your roommate's arrest record, your ex, or the medication you're on (or in some cases should be on), maybe you should switch to other conversation topics.

HILTON #1

Paris Hilton is #1 of the Lycos 50.

THE FOUR SEASONS

Everything is in bloom on Mass Avenue, drove down it with the Allegro from the "Springtime" of Vivaldi's Four Seasons. Think I'll take the cassette with me tomorrow so I can listen to it on the way to work.

TURNING JAPANESE

I've got your picture of me and you
You wrote "I love you" I wrote "me too"
I sit there staring and there's nothing else to do
Oh it's in color Your hair is brown
Your eyes are hazel And soft as clouds
I often kiss you when there's no one else around

I've got your picture, I've got your picture
I'd like a million of you all round my cell
I want a doctor to take your picture
So I can look at you from inside as well
You've got me turning up and turning down
And turning in and turning 'round

I'm turning Japanese
I think I'm turning Japanese
I really think so
Turning Japanese
I think I'm turning Japanese
I really think so
I'm turning Japanese
I think I'm turning Japanese
I really think so
Turning Japanese
I think I'm turning Japanese
I really think so

I've got your picture, I've got your picture
I'd like a million of them all round my cell
I want the doctor to take a picture
So I can look at you from inside as well
You've got me turning up and turning down and turning in and turning 'round

I'm turning Japanese
I think I'm turning Japanese
I really think so
Turning Japanese
I think I'm turning Japanese
I really think so
I'm turning Japanese
I think I'm turning Japanese
I really think so
Turning Japanese
I think I'm turning Japanese
I really think so

No sex, no drugs, no wine, no women
No fun, no sin, no you, no wonder it's dark
Everyone around me is a total stranger
Everyone avoids me like a psyched Lone Ranger
Everyone.

That's why I'm turning Japanese
I think I'm turning Japanese
I really think so
Turning Japanese
I think I'm turning Japanese
I really think so
I'm turning Japanese
I think I'm turning Japanese
I really think so
Turning Japanese
I think I'm turning Japanese
I really think so

Turning Japanese
I think I'm turning Japanese
I really think so
Turning Japanese
I think I'm turning Japanese
I really think so
Turning Japanese
I think I'm turning Japanese
I really think so
(think so think so think so)
Turning Japanese
I think I'm turning Japanese
I really think so

by the Vapors from their album New Clear Day

In case you haven't figured it out, this is a song about masturbation, or as my girlfriend's little brother says, about jacking off. Yeah, that's what they teach kids in Catholic schools. Nevertheless, right-wing talk show host Michael Medved, who appears on some Christian stations, uses it as bump music.

I know at least one guy who used to jack off on my pictures, and still does, if he hasn't thrown them into the trash as he said he would.

THE ULTIMATE WEBCLOCK

This is pretty cool.

I CAN'T SEEM TO FORGET YOU II

Ken says I smell as though I just stepped out of a shower. If only he knew.

YOU'VE BEEN GOOGLED

I think one of the true tests of attraction is Googling someone. Of course, you can say "Altavistaing" or "Lycosing" or "Yahooing," but it's not the same. Before the Internet (yeah, that's how old I am), a test of attraction was whether I looked up a guy in the phone book, the student directory, school yearbook, club directory, etc. Now you look a guy up on the Internet and find out all about him a lot faster.

My last date was pretty easy to find. He told me his last name (rather unusual and easy to remember) and his address (an interesting succession). I think it was actually a couple days before I Googled him and called him. He was surprised to find out I could find him, which is pretty stupid, considering he used to work for an ISP.

The one before him Googled me before our first date. Truth be told, I wasn't that attracted him didn't Google him until after our second date, after which I had a lot of nagging doubts. Googling him confirmed them, and gave me even more reason to want to be just friends with him.

The one before them was different. I was attracted to him instantly and Googled him within hours of meeting him, as soon as I could get onto the Internet. Other than the fact the that the one picture I could find of him was kind of geeky (but I seem to like them geeky), there were no unpleasant surprises. The difference is, he hasn't asked me out yet, which goes back to one of Jane's earlier Rules of Dating -- "Geeks will find you." Also, the likelihood that a guy will actually call you decreases in proportion with your attraction to him.

I CAN'T SEEM TO FORGET YOU

I'm on the couch, still wearing your deodorant. I don't want to take a shower and wash it off, so I guess I'll go to work smelling like you.

ANOTHER GREAT BLOG TITLE TAKEN

Seaslugs!

PARIS, TEXAS

Listening to the Paris, Texas sountrack CD, which I got with my Easter money/gift certificates. It's pretty, but not comprehensive. I remember the first time I saw the film was in Munich after spending the afternoon with a physically draining friend in her rabbit hutch of an apartment on the Augustenstrasse. It was a relief to see video of wide open spaces. Kudos to the guy at the Sarasota Barnes and Noble, who knew exactly what I was looking for, even though they didn't have it. He told me "I knew this was gonna be a tough order when you came in asking for the Dead Milkmen."

THE HAUTANEN PIGS

Picked up the pigs today. The vet tech referred to them as "the Hautanen pigs." Yeah, I guess that's what they are. She says they were a joy to have. I'm so proud -- Mom says babysitters used to say the same thing about me, or at least one of them did.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT'S REMEDY

My friend Chris, a former flight attendant, sends this remedy for constipation:

" This worked
like a charm...flying messed me up becaues of time zones, etc.. About
20 minutes before landing: Take 1 can of apple juice; place it in a
coffee pot. Fill coffee pot with hot water from galley spigot; let it
steep for 10 minutes or so and then drink. Will have a nice bm by the
time you get to your hotel."

I don't anticipate that as a problem, but I probably will pop two Sudafed before I get onto the plane

YOU GOOD DAUGHTER

Went to the mall for my usual manicure, pedicure and eyebrow wax. The manicurist said "you good daughter." Coming from a Vietnamese I take that as a special compliment -- I don't hear that very often.

HILTON #1

Paris Hilton is the latest #1 of the Lycos 50.

THE GUNSHINE STATE

I am in Florida, which is why my posts have been sporadic. Thanks to the friendly folks at Verizon, my parents' phone connection is atrocious, so I have had to go to the county library, which evidently does not have a big budget for computers, to blog.

A MENSAN RESPONSE TO MY EASTER GREETING

"Only the Performance Engineering Workshop in the UK would illustrate their
announcement with Albrecht Durer's Hare drawing. Can you figure out what
the relevance is? Did you know that you cannot tell a rabbit from a hare
except immediately after birth when one of them (I don't know which) has a
blue marking on its body (I don't know where)? Very helpful, I know. Here
is another link to the famous hare:

http://www.nalasgallery.com/art-prints/ROS-SPG-1041

Happy Easter!"

BASKETS FULL OF EASTER JOY?

For the last three years, what with my father's illness, my career and my love life going south, I don't think I've had a real Christmas or Easter, although I know those holidays aren't all about bunnies or Santa Claus. Still, my father is still alive and I'm doing what I like for a living, even though I'm not well-treated by the men (and women) I work for.

FROM THE EASTER PIG

Happy Easter! Thunder is the closest thing I have to a bunny:

www.geocities.com/thatjanedoe/Janedoesblog

actually Lightning looks more like a bunny, but I don't have any digital
pictures of him. He looks a little like Durer's hare, pictured here:

http://www.dcs.ed.ac.uk/events/UKPEW/

DEAR SIR OR MADAME

Took a class in getting your book published at First Class. It's pretty depressing -- as Bohannon said, most people think they're fascinating, but evidently no one wants to read about me or my classmates.

SEND A PIG TO CAMP

Dropped the pigs off at the vet's -- kind of like sending the kids to camp.

ECCE HOMO!

"Iesus Nazarenus Rex Iudaeorum"

"Tantum Ego makes your hair grow"

HOLY THURSDAY

Holy Passiontide! It's Thursday. This should be interesting, as I have to fast tomorrow and am trying to lose weight anyway -- I should be in a wonderful state of mind by Saturday.

ANOTHER GREAT BLOG TITLE TAKEN:

Plasticbag.org.

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY, BABY

One year ago today I adopted my darling Lightning. Immediately after that I wondered what the heck I had done, left him in his cage, went to Kramers and e-mailed his former owner, telling her we made it safely. After that I read after you insert a pig into its new habitat you're supposed to leave it alone for awhile.

HILTON # 1 YET AGAIN

Paris Hilton is # 1 of the Lycos 50 com. Yet again.

WHY IS THIS NIGHT DIFFERENT?

Passover begins at sundown tonight. Of course, I'm not Jewish, so I can continue to blog in good conscience.

FISH STORY

A priest took a sabbatical to a fishing lodge. On the last day of his trip, he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in. The guide, holding a net, yelled, "Look at the size of that Son of a Bitch!"

"Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!" the priest said.

"No, Father," replied the guide, "that's what kind of fish it is. It's a Son of a Bitch fish!"

"Really? Well help me land this Son of a Bitch!" chimed the priest.

Once in the boat, they marveled at the monster. "Father, that is the biggest Son of a Bitch I've ever seen" said the guide.

"Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch," replied the priest.

"What should I do with it?" asked the priest. "Why eat it, of course," answered the guide. "You've never tasted anything as good as that Son of a Bitch!"

Elated, the priest headed home to the church. While unloading his gear and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip. "Take a
look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!" the priest said.

Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary. "Father!"

"It's OK Sister," said the priest, "that's what kind of fish it is. A Son of a Bitch fish!"

"Oh well, then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a Bitch?" asked Sister Mary.

"Why, eat it of course," answered the priest. "The guide said nothing compares to the taste of a Son of a Bitch."

The Sister informed the priest that the new bishop was scheduled to visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a Bitch for dinner.

"I'll even clean the Son of a Bitch," she said. As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in.

"What are you doing, Sister Mary?" asked the Friar.

"Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for the bishop's dinner," replied Sister Mary.

"Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset! Please watch your language!" asked the Friar.

"No, no, no. It's called a Son of a Bitch fish - really!" claimed Sister Mary.

"Oh, well in that case, I'll fix up a great meal and that Son of a Bitch can be the main course!" replied the Friar. "Let me know when you've finished cleaning that Son of a Bitch."

On the night of the bishop's visit, everything was perfect. The Friar had prepared an excellent meal, there was wine, and the fish was excellent.

The bishop said, "This is great fish, where did you get it?"

"I caught the Son of a Bitch!" proclaimed the proud priest. The bishop's eyes opened wide, but he said nothing.

"And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch!" exclaimed the sister. The bishop sat silent in disbelief.

And the Friar added, "And I prepared the Son of a Bitch, using a special recipe!"

The bishop looked at each of them. Slowly a big smile crept across his face, and he said, "You fuckers are my kind of people!"


janedoe@catholicexchange.com

BLOW, THOU BITTER WIND

Winds have been over 20 mph, gusting over 40 mph. Co-workers say the rain was practically blowing horizontally. At least it hasn't blown many of the cherry blossoms off.

SPRUNG FORWARD

Sprang foward right away at 2:00 AM, as I had to -- I was running the board. Drove over the Potomac -- the moon looked like a big lemon or a yellow cookie, reflecting on the water.

MORNING DRIVE

Okay, it's Sunday morning (tomorrow) but technically it is morning drive -- 6:30 to 8:00 AM. I'll be running the board for WABS, giving time checks, ID's, etc. It should be interesting.

LOVELIEST OF TREES

The cherry now. I drove past the Tidal Basin just to see the cherry trees. For four years I drove past them every night on my way to work at Westwood.

VIA CRUCIS

Stabat Mater dolorosa
Juxta Crucem lacrimosa,
Dum pendebat Filius.
Cujus animam gementem,
Contristatam et dolentem,
Pertransivit gladius.

O quam tristis et afflicta
Fuit illa benedicta
Mater Unigeniti!

Quem maerebat, et dolebat,
Pia Mater, dum videbat
Nati paenas inclyti.

Quis est homo, qui non fleret,
Matrem Christi si videret
In tanto supplicio ?

Quis non posset contristari,
Christi Matrem contemplari
Dolentem cum Filio?

Pro peccatis suae gentis
Vidit Jesum in tormentis,
Et flagellis subditum.

Vidit suum dulcem natum
Moriendo desolatum,
Dum emisit spiritum.

Eia Mater, fons amoris,
Me sentire vim doloris
Fac, ut tecum lugeam.

Fac, ut ardeat cor meum
In amando Christum Deum,
Ut sibi complaceam.

Sancta Mater, istud agas,
Crucifixi fige plagas
Cordi meo valide.

Tui nati vulnerati,
Tam dignati pro me pati,
Paenas rnecum divide.

Fac me tecum pie flere,
Crucifixo condolere,
Donec ego vixero.

Juxta Crucem tecum stare,
Et me tibi sociare
In planctu desidero.

Virgo virginum praeclara,
Mihi jam non sis amara:
Fac me tecum plangere.

Fac, ut portem Christi mortem
Passionis fac consortum,
Et plagas recolere.

Fac me plagis vulnerari
Fac me cruce inebriari,
Et cruore Filii.

Flammis ne urar succensus
Per te, Virgo, sim defensus
In die judicii.

Christe, cum sit hinc exire,
Da per Matrem me venire,
Ad palmam victoriae.

Quando corpus morietur,
Fac, ut animae donetur
Paradisi gloria.

Amen.



At the cross her station keeping,
Stood the mournful Mother weeping,
Close to Jesus to the last.
Through her heart, His sorrow sharing,
All His bitter anguish bearing,
Now at length the sword had pass'd.

Oh, how sad and sore distress'd
Was that Mother highly blest
Of the sole-begotten One!

Christ above in torment hangs;
She beneath beholds the pangs
Of her dying glorious Son.

Is there one who would not weep,
Whelm'd in miseries so deep
Christ's dear Mother to behold ?

Can the human heart refrain
From partaking in her pain,
In that Mother's pain untold?

Bruis'd, derided, curs'd, defil'd,
She beheld her tender child
All with bloody scourges rent.

For the sins of His own nation,
Saw Him hang in desolation,
Till His spirit forth He sent.

O thou Mother! fount of love!
Touch my spirit from above;
Make my heart with thine accord.

Make me feel as thou hast felt;
Make my soul to glow and melt
With the love of Christ our Lord.

Holy Mother! pierce me through;
In my heart each wound renew
Of my Saviour crucified.

Let me share with thee His pain,
Who for all my sins was slain,
Who for me in torments died.

Let me mingle tears with thee,
Mourning Him who mourn'd for me,
All the days that I may live.

By the cross with thee to stay,
There with thee to weep and pray,
Is all I ask of thee to give.

Virgin of all virgins best,
Listen to my fond request
Let me share thy grief divine.

Let me, to my latest breath,
In my body bear the death
Of that dying Son of thine.

Wounded with His every wound,
Steep my soul till it hath swoon'd
In His very blood away.

Be to me, O Virgin, nigh,
Lest in flames I burn and die,
In His awful Judgment day.

Christ, when Thou shalt call me hence, Be Thy Mother my defence,
Be Thy cross my victory.

While my body here decays,
May my soul Thy goodness praise,
Safe in Paradise with Thee.

Amen.

"A young Irishman rushes into the confessional and announces 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I've just blown up 50 miles of British Railway.' The priest answers "for penance, do the stations."

janedoe@catholicexchange.com

ONE YEAR

Wow, I have been doing this for a whole year. As Walter Miller says, I have been writing this crap for a long time already.

APRIL FOOL'S

I have always been one for April Fool's jokes. In high school, we put "for sale" signs on the convent lawn, and "just married" signs on the back of the nuns' cars. Or maybe that was Halloween. However, this year, with my father's illness, the trial, my career and my love life going south, I'm really not up for jokes. A couple years ago I sent friends and relatives a Corbis card with a pregnant woman on it. No one believed that.

Lightning got a birthday card from his insurance company today. As far as I can tell, he will be two soon. I got him April sixth last year. Thunder should be getting one next month.