YO!

No, I am not a dyslexic Jew or a rapper, nor have I moved to South Philadelphia. I just took a crocheting course at First Class. In crocheting terms, "YO" stands for "yarn over."

CHERRY BLOSSOM TIME II

The cherry blossoms are at their peak and Chevy Chase looks like a fairyland. Unfortunately, I think it also makes my head hurt. I bought a box of Sudafed at CVS, tasted like poo.

ME AND MR. JOHNSON

Could also be called "A Case of the Clapton."

MAGIC ALSO #1

Magic 102 is # 1 in the DC Market. Ratings are also in for most other major markets.

WEIGHT WATCHERS #1

Weight Watchers is (are?) #1 of the Lycos 50.

AM I LOVIN' IT?

Just saw a McDonald's TV spot in which the blonde ogles the window washer, the intern and the new otherwise-available co-worker. The idea is it just doesn't get much better than that, except for McDonald's new premium salads. Truth be told, from physical appearance alone I would only be attracted to one of the guys -- my taste must be different than that of the casting agent.

A couple years ago I was looking for someone to clean and one of the Catholic Alumni guys suggested The Maids -- he said they show up in French Maids' uniforms. Another guy suggested I would prefer a bunch of guys dressed as the Chippendales -- again not really to my taste any more than the Queer Eye guys are.

SOPHISTICATED PIGS

Saturday I needed something to put under the pigpen, so I went to the recycle room. Didn't realize I had pulled out someone else's discarded copy of the New York Times. My pigs only shit on the best.

One of the Mensa women says her idea of heaven is having enough time to read the Sunday NYT, but she didn't say her idea of heaven was actually reading it.

CHERRY BLOSSOM TIME

The Cherry Blossom festival is underway, which could explain why I have more headaches. In first grade they taught us that the cherry blossoms on the Tidal Basin were a gift from Japan. One of my co-workers is a former Cherry Blossom Princess. She got to meet Princess Ann. Junior Year in College I went to see Chekhov's Cherry Orchard . Every fruit stand in Munich had cherries on sale that time, and McDonalds featured cherry shakes and a chance to win a cherry-red scooter.

THE IMMACULATE CONSUMER

I am invited to have lunch at my girlfriend's. She is more Catholic than the Pope, so I went to the National Shrine gift shop to get her a present. I figured I would buy her a bible, or a statue or a Jew-on-the-wall, then I settled on a holy water font. I got a very tasteful one -- no day-glo colors, no shells glued to it, no Christmas tree lights plugged into it. I got a bottle of holy water to go with it, filled it from one of the shrine fonts. Some how it seemed crude to say "I'm gonna fill this bottle." I got a sponge at Fresh Fields. The idea is so the water won't evaporate and if it spills there's less mess. Mom asked what the point of the sponge was -- I should have told her it had magical powers.

janedoe@catholicexchange.com

HUMPTY DUMPTY

He was pushed. Don't you believe any differently.

Joke: What's big and white and sits on a wall in Poland? Humpty Dombrowski.

STRANGE BUT TRUE

A guy actually asked me out after he read my blog. Will wonders never cease?

THE ANNUNCIATION

"And the angel of the Lord declared unto Mary..."

Today is the Feast of the Annunciation. We first learned about conception by the Holy Spirit from Sister Joseph David in sixth grade. Unfortunately, most of us were pretty unversed in the facts of life anyway, so her explanation fucked us up even more. She and the other nuns kept talking about this "beautiful" way in which a baby was normally conceived. Of this "beautiful thing" is only reserved for a man and a woman who are married (to each other, of course) and who leave the occasion "open to the conception of a child."

I grew up thinking nuns had magical powers. One time I came to the convent kitchen at exacty 2:30 and found a huge nun pigging out at the table. I thought she had some kind of ability to beam herself over to the kitchen the minute seventh period was over. It was years later when I realized she didn't teach seventh period and had probably been sitting there chowing for the past half hour.

SOME CLOSURE

Got my 15 bucks back from the cops. Gonna use part of it to buy something nice, the rest will go into the "new computer" fund. Right now I am wearing the same dress and shoes I was wearing when I was robbed.

On the other front, one of my exes called last nite -- he and his third wife are working on a separation agreement. It didn't work out the first time between us -- I am not stupid enough to try it a second time. Also, a wild card (long shot?) from the past has started e-mailing again. So now I have four possibilities -- an ex with whom it didn't work out the first time, one I know very little about, one whom I think I still love, and one whom I think I could love. I would trade all four of them for something solid.

GELLY'S CURRENT JAM

Dan did not like my lime-green Slick Gel pen and told me to throw it out, since Dan is a reasonable guy I decided to let it run out through attrition, but not to use it for any projects involving him. My old Mix 107 purple pens have all run out, so I went back to Creative Parties and bought a new turquoise-green Gelly Roll pen, which Dan approves of so far.

I realize this is really pathetic, but I require constant stimulation and I need colors which grab my attention, other than the usual blue or black. Also, I need to cover my own behind and prove that I wrote what I said I did. Only one person here has fucked with my pens, and she is no longer with us.

21 WEEKS/TEN WEEKS

Well, I had decided to stop boring all of you with the dreary details of the robbery and the breakup at 20 weeks, after the kid was determined to be "involved," but the DC police won't let me. This afternoon I got a package with yet another slip I need to fill out to get my $15 back, it's either that or drive to a lousy section of town (even the cops are warning me not to go there alone) and get it. As for the other, Saturday I was inspired to start dancing again -- I ordered a CD from Borders.com. It came yesterday.

MARCH MADNESS #1

March Madness is # 1 of the latest Lycos 50. Beats heck out of Paris Hilton.

VARIOUS

My back still hurts, so I rubbed my body with Bengay, no not Ben Gay from the waist down and went to work reeking of the stuff. Then one of the casters broke off my "back-friendly" chair from the Healthy Back Store, did not break any bones. I am trying to order Handel's London Symphony from Borders.com, but all I get is the London Symphony Orchestra playing Handel's Messiah.

FORSYTHIA

Could be the reason my head hurts so much.

PAIN

It's good to be out of it.

janedoe@seductive.com

COUSIN BRUCIE'S BACK

Cousin Brucie's back on WCBS in New York, and if you call them his voice is the first one you hear on their automated system.

COLLECT 'EM ALL!

Faith-filled friends.

FEAR THE TURTLE, BUT NOT THE GATOR

Maryland beat UTEP 86-83, Manhattan beat Florida 75-60.

ADOPT- A- PIG

March is Adopt a Guinea Pig Month. You learn something new every day. To find out more, go to the Animal Welfare League of Alexandria, from whence cometh my beloved Thunder or Jane Doe's Pigs.

ERIN GO BRAGH!

I am not of Irish ancestry. When I was a teenager I would put orange bows in my hair and say "God save the queen" and this was at Bishop O'Connell High School. It's a wonder I've lived as long as I have. My first love, the one who turned out to be gay, was Irish. Speaking of men from my past, one of my former housemates announced he's become a father. I'm glad I didn't make him hate women forever.

HILTON #1 AGAIN

Paris Hilton is again #1 of the Lycos 50. It was too good to last.

20 WEEKS/NINE WEEKS

20 weeks after the robbery I find I can't write either of last year's robberies off as theft losses and to get my money back I have to go to a crummy neighborhood in SE DC. Even the cops tell me not to go alone. Nine weeks after the breakup my boss tells me he took his teenage daughter to the 9:30 club. I told him to watch out for the dirtballs who hang out there. Believe it or not, you may have competition now.

BUSHED


Dad got out of rehab, the city diverted almost 900 dollars of my property taxes to income tax and charged me about $200 in penalties and interest and at least two publishers want to read my book. It's been an interesting day.

CLASS ACT

"He met her in the Strand. She was cracking nuts with her teeth, and throwing the shells about. Seeing Rossetti staring at her, she threw some at him. Delighted with this brilliant naivete, he forthwith accosted her, and carried her off to sit to him for her portrait."


Bell Scott's account of Dante Gabriel Rossetti's meeting with Fanny Cornforth. from The Lives of the Muses by Francine Prose

NICE WORK IF YOU CAN GET IT

"Thine is the kingdom and the power and the glory. Thou hast a good job. Don't blow it."

From Without Feathers by Woody Allen

I GUESS YOU SAW THIS COMING

Spam: a Haiku

Beef up the size of
Your Viagra weight loss or
Length of your penis

OH, G-D, THIS IS BRILLIANT!

Why didn't I think of this?

YOU'VE GOT SPAM

What is with Earthlink? Every time my mailbox fills near capacity, they send me a warning, filling it even more. Also, every day I get a summary from Earthlink Spamblocker, a piece of spam telling me how much other spam they've blocked. Somehow this does not make sense.

DECISIONS, DECISIONS

Bought a bottle of CVS chewable vitamin c's and realized they come in at least 4 different colors and flavors. One more thing for me to decide on every day, and there is almost a year's supply in the bottle! A couple years ago two guests at WAMU asked me to help them work the coffee machine. One appeared to be an African, the other a European. I put the styrofoam cup in its place and asked "regular or decaf?" This choice was too much for the European man, whose reply was "all these decisions." The African added: "Yes, it was that way for me when I first came to this country." I didn't dare ask either one of them whether they wanted, small, medium, large, strong, regular, mild, black, light, extra light etc. It would have been too much.

FEELING BETTER ABOUT MYSELF

"She should be taught to read, wear underwear, clean her fingernails and so forth."

William Holman Hunt's instructions on the care and feeding of his (and Dante Gabriel Rossetti's) girlfriend Annie Miller, from the book The Lives of the Muses, by Francine Prose. The pre-Raphaelites had a thing about improving their women, fixer-uppers as it were.

MALVO SENTENCED

Lee Boyd Malvo has been sentenced to life in prison. I remember the night of the first shooting. I was in the WMAL newsroom. Our reaction was "so a guy was shot in a parking lot. Happens all the time." One year ago today I was robbed at the Starbucks at the corner of Connecticut and "R." The guy ran up about $100 on three of my credit cards. None of the customers offered to help or even wait for the cops. They said "we thought you were having an argument with him." The cop's question to me was "are you sure your wallet was stolen?"

TOUCHED BY GRACE (OR BY MYSELF)

Is masturbation a mortal sin?

AIKEN #1

Clay Aiken is now #1 of the Lycos 50. A nice change from Paris Hilton.

19 WEEKS/8 WEEKS

19 weeks since the robbery. Today I got a letter from the city saying I can get my $15 back. I should invest it or use it to buy myself something nice. Tonight I forgot to zip up my purse and a bunch of change dropped onto the ground, just like the day of the robbery. A lady asked whether I was okay and whether she could help. I said "I'm ok, thanks." What I wanted to answer was, "My father's in rehab, two of my freelance jobs have dried up so I may qualify for unemployment compensation, my love life is at an impasse and I'm running a low-grade fever with a horrible headache and a craving for sweets."

On the other front, less than eight weeks after he tells me to forget I ever met him, he calls me four times in one weekend.

MUHAMMAD SENTENCED TO DEATH

John Muhammad has been sentenced to death. One victim's relative says justice has been served, another says there are no winners.

WHAT'S "POPCORN" IN ARAMAIC?

I will probably burn in the Hell for this, or at least have to endure agony in the garden, scourging at the pillar, crowning with thorns, etc, but it's still funny.

CHARLIE'S ANGELS

Watched three hours' worth of material on A and E on Charles Manson and his women. Some of them have aged well, some haven't. Charlie's women, his victims and their sisters were young enough to be my daughters at the time of the murders.

READY FOR THE 80'S?

Used my Best Buy gift card to buy four CD's -- two from Toby Keith and the Working Girl and Streets of Fire soundtracks. I must be really living in the 80's (or the '90's). The other four I want are The Raising Arizona and Paris, Texas soundtracks, Death Rides a Pale Cow and Hugh Masakela's Greatest Hits.

CHRIST, YOU KNOW IT AIN'T EASY

"Christ! You know it ain't easy
You know how hard it can be
They way of things are going
They're going to crucify me."

The Ballad of John and Yoko, by John Lennon

Saw the Passion of the Christ. Got in for the matinee rate, so I'm happy about that, but I have other beefs. For one thing the woman who played Our Lady has a Jewish name, but she doesn't look terribly Jewish. Also, some of the Romans don't look Italian, and I'm not sure whether the Latin was grammatically correct. Did Jesus even speak Latin? The towels they use to wipe up His blood look like diapers, and Jesus' cross looks like a giant Lincoln Log. At least Simon of Cyrene looked African.

Most of the people I went with were Methodists, so I was smart enough not to wear my St. James or my Catholic Alumni T-shirts, but I did wear my Star of David. A minister practically wrestled me to the ground to ask my opinion of the film, as a Jew. Honestly, I did not find it anti-Semitic -- the Jewish bad guys in the film were your generic movie bad guys. What bothers me is the fact that I found Satan the most intriguing character. Frankly, if I were a midget or a person of dubious sexuality, I would protest the way midgets and asexual people are portrayed.

THE LENTEN GOURMET II

Here we go again, another post on How Tough It Is To Be Catholic. This morning at a local public radio fund drive catering arrangements got screwed up, so the staff had to hustle to Fresh Fields and scare up some food, which was very good, however, there was only a small plate of veggie wraps, which evaporated pretty quickly. One of the organizers said "we try to accomodate vegetarians." When one of the volunteers pointed out today is also a Friday during Lent, you would have thought he had said it was a Martian holiday. Interesting that a public radio station which prides itself on its sensitivity and diversity looks out for the needs of a bunch of dirt-muching, tree-hugging granolaheads, but not those of Catholics.

MENSA -- IT'S NOT JUST FOR HUMANS ANYMORE


There is now an e-group for cats and the Mensans they own or something like that. Wonder whether there's one for smart pigs.

AT WHIT'S END

That's me -- at wit's end. My father is in the hospital and I am working another guy's shift. This is a pretty good kids' show -- not too preachy. Tonight's episode is about a young woman who dwells on an accident which happened years ago, alienating everybody with her anger and bitterness. Gee, I sure can't relate to that.

THE TRUE SIN

One of my friends tells me the people from his church want to see The Passion of the Christ. In his opinion, the greatest sin is the fact that tix cost at least $10.00. To those of you on either side of the fence, it's a movie, for God's sake, no pun intended. Don't people remember Jesus Christ Superstar or The Last Temptation of Christ?

SPIDERMAN III

Newschannel 8 also reports Tobey Maguire has already signed on to do Spiderman III. Oh, those eyes!

GAYS VS CATHOLICS

I heard a lesbian on Newschannel 8 say "we're the only group it's still ok to spit on" or something like that. Funny, I thought that honor was reserved for Catholics.

A FAREWELL TO ARMS (AND LEGS?)

"The no-pedal option, I imagined, was the cowardly one, as though harpsichords were invented in medieval
Europe to give disabled war veterans from the Crusades a musical instrument they could play in their Special Education classes.
But harpsichords were not pianos for people with disabilities. There were no pedals on the harpsichord for the same reason that French horns had no pedals."

From Moving Violations by John Hockenberry. Lest you think I am being insensitive, Hockenberry used the title "Farewell to Arms" in one of his chapters. My mom hates harpsichords. Her view of classical music programming is "when in doubt, add another harpsichord or another classical guitar solo.

HILTON #1 AGAIN

Paris Hilton is # 1 of the Lycos 50 again. John Kerry carried Maryland and several other states. Which one do you think is more important?

18 WEEKS/7 WEEKS

It's been 18 weeks since the robbery. Haven't heard from the prosecutor's office and I still scare easily. It's been seven weeks since he told me never to call him again. To paraphase Carly Simon, I miss him less than I would have guessed.

IN LIKE A LAMB

March definitely came in like a lamb. Will it go out like a lion?

FROM THE FREEZER TO THE OVEN

Up front Joe is baking, in back Arlen is freezing. It's like living in a giant Corningware dish -- from the freezer to the microwave.