NINE WEEKS

Today would have been my parents' 45th anniversary. Having Kevin's father die was like losing my own father all over again.

janedoe@seductive.com

WEIRD DREAMS

Dreamt I sold some of my soap to Gypsies (or Roma, as they prefer to be called) and they made a fortune off it. This morning the workers over my condo were making all kind of terrible noises -- sounded like Armageddon. Dreamt Mom and I fled but I wanted to grab the pigs first.

janedoe@seductive.com

A CHRISTMAS (NEW YEAR'S?) MIRACLE

Got the result of my beloved Thunder's cytosis -- it was non-malignant and non-infectious. I realize it's so silly, even sinful, to worry so much about a guinea pig when tens of thousands of people are dying in South Asia, but I figured God took my grandmother, my father, Kevin's father, Rita's dog and Dr. Love, at least he could spare my pig.

HERE COMES THE BRIDE

Well, actually not for a couple of months. My cousin Lynn is getting married in 2005. She and her fiance, Jerry, are very much in love and Mom and I are very much happy for her.

"SHE'S ALMOST AS BIG AS THE ISLAND"

Mary Hautanen on Spanish soprano Montserrat Caballe.

Unfortunate, but true. We saw her (Montserrat Caballe, not my mom) on the Performing Arts Showcase, a pleasant surprise. Performing Arts Showcase airs on Channel 19 in Sarasota, which normally broadcasts county commission meetings and stuff like that, but runs arts stuff in the odd hours. The non-commercial showcase comes from California. You can see it on channel 19 on DC Cable and a bunch of other stations.

DONATE ONLINE NOW!

Catholic Relief Services is (are?) collecting money to help tsunami victims, estimated now to number over 100 thousand.

THE POST FUCKED UP

This world-class newspaper said Kevin's father was 93. He was 83. Also, they said my dad had three sisters and he had four and they spelled our name wrong.

janedoe@seductive.com

MORE THAN I CAN STAND

Former Westwood One newsroom employee Richard Preston, aka "Dr. Love" died. Funeral arrangements are set for Monday. One of Rita's dogs died two days ago.

janedoe@seductive.com

BACK IN DC?

Flew in from Miami Beach BOAC.
Didn't get to bed last night!
On the way the paper bag was on my knee,
man I had a dreadful flight!
I'm back in the U.S.S.R.
You don't know how lucky you are boy!
Back in the U.S.S.R.
Been away so long I hardly knew the place.
Gee it's good to be back home!
Leave it till tomorrow to unpack my case.
Honey disconnect the phone!
I'm back in the U.S.S.R.
You don't know how lucky you are boy!
Back in the U.S.
Back in the U.S.
Back in the U.S.S.R.
Well the Ukraine girls really knock me out!
They leave the West behind!
And Moscow girls make me sing and shout
that Georgia's always on my mind!
I'm back in the U.S.S.R.
You don't know how lucky you are boys!
Back in the U.S.S.R.
Show me round your snow peaked mountains way down south.
Take me to your daddy's farm!
Let me hear your balalaika's ringing out!
Come and keep your comrade warm.

janedoe@seductive.com

LIFE INSURANCE

Why do they call it "life insurance," not "death insurance?"

BLOG-O-RAMA

I am now listed on Blogarama, as well as Blogwise and the DCMetroblog Map.

janedoe@seductive.com

WET CHRISTMAS

Instead of a white Christmas we had a wet one.

DEATH NOTICE

Kevin's father, Carl McCall, died unexpectedly in his sleep Christmas morning. The notice should appear in the POST within the next few days.

COPING WITH CHRISTMAS

For those of you who don't celebrate Christmas, click here.

MERRY CHRISTMAS

"God bless us, each and every one"

Charles Dickens

When I was a kid Dad told me about how some girl in his class referred to Bob Cratchit as "Bob Scratchit." About 30 or 40 pounds ago my former news director referred to me as "tiny Jane."

OH, MY GOD!

A Christmas memory from my childhood. I could never figure this practice out, but it is now coming together, thanks to Benjamin Ludwig.

janedoe@seductive.com

MORE GORGEOUS PIGS

For more gorgeous holiday pigtures click here and also on http://guinealynx.info/forums/viewtopic.php?t=16303&postdays=0&postorder=asc&highlight=hail=king=snuggles&start=620

janedoe@seductive.com

SANTA BABY

Santa baby, slip a sable under the tree, for me
I've been an awful good girl
Santa baby, and hurry down the chimney tonight
Santa baby, an out-of-space convertible too, light blue
I'll wait up for you dearSanta baby,
and hurry down the chimney tonight
Think of all the fun I've missed
Think of all the fellas that I haven't kissed
Next year I could be oh so good
If you'd check off my Christmas list
Boo doo bee dooSanta honey,
I wanna yacht and really that's
Not a lotI've been an angel all year
Santa baby, and hurry down the chimney tonight
Santa cutie, there's one thing I really do need, the deed
To a platinum mineSanta cutie, and hurry down the chimney tonight
Santa baby, I'm filling my stocking with a duplex, and checks
Sign your 'X' on the line
Santa baby, and hurry down the chimney tonight
Come and trim my Christmas tree
With some decorations bought at Tiffany's
I really do believe in you
Let's see if you believe in me
Boo doo bee doo
Santa baby, forgot to mention one little thing, a ring
I don't mean a phoneSanta baby, and hurry down the chimney tonight
Hurry down the chimney tonight
Hurry down the chimney tonight

--by Javits and Springer

not sure I want a sable, it would look too much like Thunder, but the rest of the presents would be okay.

janedoe@seductive.com

EIGHT WEEKS

Who knew my father would die eight weeks before Christmas? Mom and I have had a nice day so far, but it would be a lie to say I have no anger issues. On December first I sent out about 75 cards with Times death notices in them. One family I've known for 20 years made no note of my father's passing, but they did send me a picture of their son and his new girlfriend. Not sure whether I'm gonna send them a card next year.

janedoe@seductive.com

LISTEN UP

Evidently I will be doing a Christmas greeting at Smooth Jazz. It should be playing for the next couple days.

HAVE YOURSELF A MERRY LITTLE CHRISTMAS

Have yourself a merry little Christmas,
Let your heart be light
From now on, our troubles will be out of sight
Have yourself a merry little Christmas,
Make the Yule-tide gay,
From now on, our troubles will be miles away.
Here we are as in olden days,
Happy golden days of yore.
Faithful friends who are dear to us
Gather near to us once more.
Through the years We all will be together,
If the Fates allow
Hang a shining star upon the highest bough.
And have yourself
A merry little Christmas now.

--Ralph Blane

Now I realize what he means by "we all will be together if the Fates allow"

COMCAST SUCKS

Arrived in Sarasota last night, which I would have told you earlier, but the Uncle Fester lookalike at the Westfield Town Center Comcast booth wouldn't let me blog. When I complained that I had been a Comcast customer for years and paying more and more for less and less Uncle Fester said "Well, ma'am, if you con't like it you can disconnect." Now that's real salesmanship.

MISSED OPPORTUNITIES

Missed my flight this morning. Will try again this afternoon.

janedoe@seductive.com

LAKEY LEAVES

WETA program director Ingrid Lakey left Friday. Our loss is Philadelphia's gain.

NOW WE LIGHT A THOUSAND CANDLES

Today marks the first day of winter. About the only good thing I can say is the days will start getting longer. The other day it was so cold I left a Coke in my car and the Coke froze partially. Lightning's fur didn't look right so I brushed and combed it, making it look worse. Then I held my hand over his head and his fur stood right on end. I went to the bathroom, and when I combed my own hair it stuck straight out. Then I realized there was nothing wrong with the pigs -- the air in here is just dry.

FROM DAINTY JUNE TO MAMA ROSE

Since my beloved Thunder appeared in the Pets of Alexandria Calendar, one of my gay friends said he saw me turning into Mama Rose, except I bear little or no resemblance to Ethel Merman. Gee, and I always wanted to be Dainty June. My ex sez he's glad I've got some excitement back in my life.

janedoe@seductive.com

BLOG YOU, TOO!

This is a friend's blog. I take no responsibility for him/it. You can find us both listed at Blogwise.

janedoe@seductive.com

NINE DOWN, ONE TO GO

Well, I have been to (or eliminated) nine of the ten parties I was invited to. The only one left, at least before I leave town, should be easy -- It's in the building where I live and all I have to do is bring a little something (like from Giant or Whole Foods or something). Yesterday I wore a red jelly bracelet to brunch. Lori Anne asked if it was a kabalistic thing. I explained the only reason I wore it was it went with the red shirt I was wearing.

janedoe@seductive.com

SOME GORGEOUS PIGS

While Guinelynx is normally a chat forum, I found some gorgeous Christmas pictures, especially those towards the bottom. For those of you who don't celebrate Christmas, there is a Jewish pig (yes!) on this page.

DAN CLUNE STILL MISSING

Bookcrossing team member Dan Clune is still missing -- his friends have put together a website.

TRUTH IS STRANGER THAN FICTION

Men who knit.

SEVEN WEEKS

Seven weeks since my father's death. Sometimes it seems like years, sometimes it seems as though it were just yesterday. I was hoping Dad would haunt the old bag down the street but so far no such luck.

janedoe@seductive.com

DC: WHERE THE ELITE MEET TO EAT

I am invited to at least ten parties this holiday season, and have had to say “no” to at least three. I went to one last night at which the first guy who approached me was overweight, needed a haircut (needed his hair combed, too) and wore a plaid flannel shirt. I’m sure you saw him in the latest GQ. His companion was slightly better-looking and wore a totally unmemorable T-shirt (but at least it didn’t say anything like “too late, I’m taken,” or “I’m hers, because she deserves the best). This is the gist of our conversation:

Overweight Plaid-shirt Guy: So, do you live around here or work here?

Me: Some kind of generic response. I don’t want him to know where I live or work. (OWPSG plies me with more questions, including how I know the host and whom else I know at this soiree)

OWPSG: (Gesturing at bleach-blond within earshot) I asked that woman how she knows (host) and she says she has sex with him every night.

All I can do is smile weakly and hope the bleach blond is the host’s wife. Believe it or not, OWPSG is married and doesn’t even have the good sense to take his wedding ring off.

MATTERS OF THE HEART

Saw the cardiologist today -- my father's and grandmother's deaths had little to do with it. It bothers me when my birthdate is written right on my chart and they ask how old I am. Can't they do math?

janedoe@seductive.com

CHRISTMAS #1

Christmas is again #1 of the Lycos 50, Clay Aiken is #2, Paris Hilton is #3.

DEATH FOR PETERSON

NPR reports jurors have recommended death for Scott Peterson. Also, President Bush has nominated Michael Leavitt for Health and Human Services Secretary.

janedoe@seductive.com

LITTLE COMPLIMENTS EVERYWHERE

Kelli Fox sez expect compliments today. People have been complimenting my pig page. Speaking of which, get a load of these bunnies.

janedoe@seductive.com

THE EXORCIST III

Exorcism guy (see December 9th) called to thank me for the referrals I gave him.

janedoe@seductive.com

SANKTA LUCIA

Natten gar tunga fjat runt gard och stuva
Kring jord som sol'n forlat skuggornar ruva
Da i vart morka hus stiger med tanda ljus
Sankta Lucia, Sankta Lucia
Natten var stor och stum nu hors det svingar
I alla tysta rum sos sum av vingar
Se pa var troskel star vitkladd med ljus i har
Sankta Lucia, Sankta Lucia

Today is the Feast of St. Lucy. I apologize for the lack of diacritical marks.

janedoe@seductive.com

WEIRD DREAMS

I have been having weird dreams of a sexual/militaristic nature recently. Uncle Henry used to say he would have terrible dreams when he was coming down with something. He has been dead almost ten years.

BLOG YOU!

Today's POST has an article on getting your blog read by more people. Most of it is from the Department of Big Duh, but I did find out about Blogwise. E-mailed Reenhead a couple days ago, haven't had any results.

BRING IT ON HOME

If you ever change your mind
About leavin', leavin' me behind
Oh, oh, bring it to me
Bring your sweet lovin'
Bring it on home to me, oh yeah
You know I laughed when you left
But now I know I've only hurt myself
Oh, oh, bring it to me
Bring your sweet lovin'
Bring it on home to me, yeah ...
I'll give you jewellery, money too
And that's not all, all I'll do for you
Oh, oh, bring it to me
Bring your sweet lovin'
Bring it on home to me, yeah...
You know I'll always be your slave
Till I'm dead and buried in my grave
Oh, oh, bring it to meBring your sweet lovin'
Bring it on home to me, yeah ...
If you ever change your mind
About leavin', leavin' me behind
Oh, oh, bring it to me
Bring your sweet lovin'
Bring it on home to me, yeah ...

Bring it on Home
by Sam Cooke

Good tune -- heard Sam singing it in duet with Lou Rawls on American Roots.

RATS WITH WINGS

"All they do is sit in the rain gutter and coo and crap."

John Irving, The World According to Garp

When I left work at 6:20 this morning the pigeons in the overpass were cooing, but I did not park my car under the underpass, so they did not have to opportunity to crap on it. It's amazing what they can do in six hours. Mom sez they don't have bladders, that's why they shit in liquid form.

Also, apropos Irving, The Door in the Floor is now available on DVD/video.

THE EXORCIST II

Exorcism guy called at work today. I gave him the phone numbers for the Diocese of Arlington and the Archdiocese of Washington.

janedoe@seductive.com

SIX WEEKS

My father died six weeks ago today. The other day Aunt Ellen asked me how I was feeling. I think I answered something like "sad, angry, cheated, resentful, hurt, blue, betrayed" or something like that.

Last night I dreamed Dad was driving me in the car. He could barely control it and nearly knocked over a little girl, ran over a bunch of garbage cans and hit a telephone pole. I had to get out of the car and move everything. When we got home I told Mom Dad probably shouldn't be driving and she said "it's not so bad."

janedoe@seductive.com

OH, CHRISTMAS TREE, OH DREIDL

Christmas trees have often been an issue in my family, even among the gentile members. Not whether we should have one, but what kind to get. My dad picked out last year's tree. It looked as though it was made of fish tank tubing. The only good thing about it was it was so ugly the cat left it alone. This year Mom and I decided to go with something we actually like, so she picked out two or three from Target. I saw an ad for a Waterford Georgian Tree like this one at Hechts. The guy must have been so flattered by my attention he gave me a really good deal on it. I had it shipped to Mom with a card enclosed. Not many people mail her trees, so it shouldn't have been that hard to figure it out who sent it. Before we narrowed it down to three trees I found a Menorah on E-bay and had that shipped to her, too, figuring she could put it up in protest if nothing else.

PROBABLY NOT KOSHER

Nice Jewish pigs?

ALL IN A DAY'S WORK

Some guy called me this morning and asked if I would perform an exorcism. That has to be the weirdest call I've received all week.

CALENDAR PIG

My beloved Thunder is one of the many pets in the 2005 Pets of Alexandria calendar. True, he's on the very last page pictured in a resting position with the caption "at rest," but he is not dead -- I saw him about two hours ago and he was oinking his lungs out.

O MARY

Conceived without sin, pray for us who have recourse to thee.

(Today is the feast of the Immaculate Conception)

janedoe@seductive.com

EIGHT CRAZY NIGHTS

Hanukkah begins at sunset today. Click here for candle-lighting times. So far I have got e-mails from my ex, who's sworn off Hanukkah, Linda and Aunt Ellen, and I'm not even Jewish.

AND THE NOMINEES ARE...

ABC announces the 2005 Grammy Nominees.

CHRISTMAS #1

Christmas is #1 of the latest Lycos 50.

INFAMY

On the eve of Pearl Harbor Day I dreamt about a dome-shaped structure being attacked. Someone mentioned the Smithsonian.

DANCING SHOES

"A person who spends all his or her life pushing to get to the top gets tough as a result of working so hard. This happened to Mrs. Wintle. She became a rather frightening person. In fact, sometimes people said she had a stone where other people had a heart...Being unhappy and having cried so much had taken all the color from Rachel's cheeks and given her eyes the bulgy look of somebody getting over a cold...Nor was that all. Being unhappy had taken away her appetite at the right times, and made her hungry at the wrong ones, so she was mostly eating bread and jam between meals. This had given her pimples,one large one on her chin, a little one on one cheek, and the beginning of another on her nose...Aggravating child, why did she have to look as if she were about to be beaten every time she spoke to her?"

From Dancing Shoes, by Noel Streatfield. This is how I feel -- the book is about two little girls who lost their mother. Phil came back to work today. We exchanged condolences.

janedoe@seductive.com

FARTING IN ELEVATORS

Is a risky proposition. I've always wanted to say that.

ANOTHER GREAT BLOG TITLE TAKEN!

The Untaught Goat (It's a music site)

THE TWELVE CARDS OF CHRISTMAS

Actually it's more like 75 or 76. As I wrote on December first, just as I have my rules for thank you notes, I have my rules for Christmas cards and gifts. Traditionally I never started my card or gift list until Thanksgiving night and I never sent cards out until December first. However, this year I started everything early -- my first Christmas cards went out December first and all of them, except for about four, have gone out.

jandoe@seductive.com

FIVE WEEKS

"A little gray-coated sand bird came tripping over the beach `peeping' softly to itself, as if enjoying the sun and sea. It came quite close to Beth, and looked at her with a friendly eye and sat upon a warm stone, dressing its wet feathers, quite at home. Beth smiled and felt comforted, for the tiny thing seemed to offer its small friendship and remind her that a pleasant world was still to be enjoyed. "

From Little Women by Louisa May Alcott

I still have to remind myself I like men, I like food, I like music, I like reading....Betty asked me how Mom and I are coping with the holidays. Honestly, we have had so many holiday tragedies in our family and the last three years have brought so many deaths, job disappointments, failed relationships, I am just numb.

janedoe@seductive.com

SOME GOOD NEWS FOR A CHANGE

Our newest family member is Ryan Matthew Parker, born November 30th. This is the first baby born after my father's death -- it's nice to have something to celebrate.

TOM BROKEJAW

Tonight was Tom Brokaw's final night. He said when he failed it was personally painful. Yeah, I can relate. Brian Williams starts tomorrow.

janedoe@seductive.com

POST-CONDOLENCE THANK YOU'S

I have sent out all my post-condolence e-mails and thank-you notes except for one. It is my rule that I always wait exactly one month after any event (my birthday, Christmas, Easter etc) before I send out thank-yous, that way I figure anyone who would have written, called etc would have by then. If I have received so many condolences and sent so many thank-you's why do I still feel sad?

janedoe@seductive.com

APOLOGIES

I have just discovered Earthlink is royally fucked up and I have probably lost dozens of e-mails at least since my grandmother's death in June. If you have e-mailed me and I have not replied or if you have replied to any of my e-mails and I did not send a fitting response I apologize, especially if I have been thinking unkind thoughts about you.

janedoe@seductive.com

AIKEN #1

Clay Aiken is #1 of the latest Lycos 50.

JUDY TUCHMAN DEAD

This is beginning to sound like a deathblog. Longtime MENSA member Judith Blinn Tuchman died earlier this month of complications from cancer. Donations in her honor may be made to the Make a Wish Foundation.

ADVENT

Yesterday was the first Sunday of Advent. I would have noted it, but Blogger wouldn't let me, so I just went to bed.

janedoe@seductive.com

"THERE'S A LADY DRESSED IN BLACK"

"In a motorcade of Cadillacs,'Daddy's not coming back.'”

Where There is Faith by 4 Him

BUGGED

Think I'm coming down with some kind of low-grade bug, trying to zap it out before it turns into a high-grade bug.

FOUR WEEKS

It is slowly sinking in that I don't have a father anymore.

janedoe@seductive.com

T-DAY

Happy Thanksgiving!

HOME FOR THE HOLIDAY

I am going home pretty soon -- feeling kind of coldish.

janedoe@seductive.com

THIS JUST IN

WTOP reports Dan Rather is stepping down from the CBS Evening News.

REID #1

Tara Reid is #1 of the latest Lycos 50.

IT'S OFFICIAL

WTOP reports the name of the new DC baseball team will be the Washington Nationals.

janedoe@seductive.com

ANOTHER PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT:

Bring at least three non-perishable food items to Potbelly's tomorrow and get a free sandwich.

janedoe@seductive.com

MISSING PERSON

Bookcrossing programmer Dan Clune has been missing since the first week in November. People are fearing the worst.

janedoe@seductive.com

SOMETHING PLEASANT FOR A CHANGE

Being too wound up to sleep I Googled myself this morning and realized how much my posts have changed since my early days with Blogger, when I still had a father and one grandmother. Here is something nice to look at.

TROPHY WIVES IN TRAINING

See today's Post article on the Madisons and the Capital Club. There's no such thing as bad publicity.

WHEN YOU CARE ENOUGH TO SEND THE VERY BEST

Went to Giant this morning, saw a Hanukkah card "to my parents." Then at CVS I saw a card that said "to Grandma at Thanksgiving." It hit me that I don't have a grandma, I only have one parent and we're not Jewish anyway.

FRIDAY'S I'M IN...

Dad always said everthing happens on a Friday evening. He died on a Friday evening. I have broken two teeth on Friday evenings. This Friday like a dummy I tried to repair a leaky faucet by myself. The leak turned into a hemmorhage, and unfortunately it was like a hot side, so my condo became like a steambath. The plumber did not arrive until after 4 PM and we couldn't find the building engineer. Fortunately we did not have to turn off the water for the entire building as feared. Dad was right.

janedoe@seductive.com

THREE WEEKS

Three weeks ago today I still had a father. I know, I know. And for some strange reason, it was about this time of day that I last talked to him. The numbness is wearing off and the fear and loss are setting in. And I am facing a major plumbing disaster at home, which has taken away a lot of my resolve.

janedoe@seductive.com

D'OH!

The new Smooth Jazz CD is out (and has been for the past two weeks, actually).

DAD'S MEMORIAL MASS

It will be February 17th at St. Thomas More Church in Sarasota. That would have been his and Aunt Margie's 81st birthday. We will probably have a local memorial in DC in the spring.

janedoe@seductive.com

BAD THINGS COMING IN TWOS (OR POSSIBLY THREES)

Phil's mum died Saturday. Part of her ashes will be buried with her husband at Ripon Cathedral in England, the rest in Bermuda. Hearing the news was like hearing about my dad's death all over. Also, Thursday was the anniversary of Dave's father's death. Gee, we're a happy bunch.

AIKEN #1

Clay Aiken is #1 of the latest Lycos 50.

COMFORT ME WITH PIGS

Everyone should have a pig. Multiple pigs if possible.

janedoe@seductive.com

COMFORT ME WITH APPLES

Or moo goo gai pan. Back at work full-time now, more or less. There is something comforting about a hot lunch, the rhythm of the keyboard, the droning of the printer. We celebrated Sherry's birthday. Life goes on.

janedoe@seductive.com

WHATEVER HAPPENED TO CHUCK?

Access Hollywood did an hour on '70's sitcoms and raised the question of whatever happened to Richie Cunningham's Brother, Chuck on Happy Days. Evidently both actors who played him are still alive. I remember looking at sitcom credits when I was a kid and noticing the Irish, Jewish, WASP and Italian names. When I worked in TV myself I wondered whether the people behind the credits were like us. Did they date each other, take vacations, celebrate holidays together? Did their kids play together and go to each others' parties?

LITTLE KINDNESSES EVERYWHERE

My uncle the Benedictine is saying a whole week of masses for my father's soul, someone else enrolled him in the Order of the Sacred Heart, Bill is having at least one mass said by the Atonement Friars and my boss and his son are having perpetual masses said by the Norbertine Fathers. That's four orders of priests! Also, he is in the prayers of the faithful at our old parish in Falls Church, he is supposed to be in the prayers of the faithful at my church and they mentioned his name at Mom's church. Not only that, Dallas's church had a service for him and Mom got a nice letter from the Jehovah's Witnesses saying they would pray for him.

IN THE DARK

Evidently the whole neighborhood is out of power. I am using the back-up battery on my computer. I don't know how much longer I can take this.

PETERSON GUILTY

MSN reports jurors found Scott Peterson guilty today.

janedoe@seductive.com

'BYE, BURT

After 39 years of service Burt Cohen leaves WMAL. He was at PGC the day Kennedy was shot. When asked how he could stay at one place so long without murdering anyone he replied "I have pictures taken at a Christmas Party."

janedoe@seductive.com

TWO WEEKS

Two weeks ago I still had a father. I talked to him about this time of day. You never know when the last time you speak to someone will be.

janedoe@seductive.com

NEW AND IMPROVED!

Ariana, genius that she is, tweaked my website and fixed the broken links. And she did Dad's memorial cards.

VETERANS DAY

Today is Veterans Day, not sure as to whether we need an apostrophe. A tough day for Mom, as Dad was proud of his military service.

ARAFAT DEAD

Yasser Arafat died in France today. French officials won't say how he died. Dad and Grandma died in distinguished, if not good company -- Arafat, President Reagan, Ray Charles and Julia Child.

janedoe@seductive.com

HOLY SHIT!

Just when I thought my life was fucked up.

janedoe@seductive.com

NO PREGNANT CHADS

The 2004 presidential election was #1 of the latest Lycos 50. Clay Aiken was #2.

THE WEIRDEST THING

Mailed Dad's obituary to the Valley News Dispatch. It forbids naming pets as survivors. That is the weirdest thing I have seen all day, possibly all week/month/year. That people would even think of that worries me. This is one reason we don't live there.

janedoe@seductive.com

DCRTV

Dad's obituary made today's DCRTV.

janedoe@seductive.com

TOO MUCH TOO SOON

Going back to work this weekend was a mistake.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

If not the week, month year:

"You can't get blood out of a stone. Don't expect support from an asshole."

From the same guy who said "Nothing scarier than an asshole with a badge."

THE LAST SUPPER

Dad's last meal on earth was Oscar Meyer (or Hillshire Farms) L'il Smokies. Mom froze the rest of them. That was tonight's dinner. I need a hug.

ANOTHER OBITUARY

This one is on page B-4 of today's POST. Dad had four sisters, not three. At least the reporter understood we are not Japanese.

BACK IN THE SADDLE

Or at least back on the mounting block. Went back to work this morning.

BABY STEPS

Taking baby steps today. To the vet, to the printer's, to the 7-11.

janedoe@seductive.com

ONE WEEK

This time one week ago today I still had a father, I think I talked to him on the phone about this time. Arrived home last night with minimum inconvenience, will pick up the pigs today.

janedoe@seductive.com

IT NEVER RAINS

But it pours. A pipe in Mom's bathroom started leaking again. But at least the plumber's hot.

MEET THE PASTOR

Or in this case, the associate pastor. I made sure I wore my St. James Catholic School T-shirt and my crucifix as opposed to the Star of David I had been wearing. That wasn't enough -- Mom made me take off the shorts I was wearing and put on long pants.

Father G. was everything Mom promised and then some. If more priests were like him, I wouldn't spend so much time with Jews or Episcopalians. He actually made me feel he cared about us and that there is some hope for my father's soul. I didn't mention horoscopes, crystals or tarot cards.

janedoe@seductive.com

KERRY CONCEDES

John Kerry has conceded the election to George Bush. I was up 'til 4:00 AM, just got up a little while ago.

janedoe@seductive.com

MY FATHER'S OBITUARY

As seen in the Sarasota Herald Tribune.

ALL SOUL'S DAY

Today is All Soul's Day. I prayed for my dad, even though Mom and I didn't go to church -- the priest wants to see us tomorrow and we haven't found any holy cards we like. The cat is in mourning. Mom told her "Daddy's sleeping."

In fifth grade Sister Catherine Marie told us about a little boy who went to pray for the souls in Purgatory. As soon as he got out of church he was hit by a car. She told us he was now a saint in Heaven.

VOTE

Today is election day, in case you've been living in a cave. This will be the first presidential election I haven't voted in since I was 18. Today I am in Florida, the hotbed of dissent four years ago. For those of you who haven't voted yet, go vote.

ALL SAINTS' DAY

For the past two days I have been haunted by so many memories, not just of my father. Mom says when her parents and two of my cousins died she felt their presence. Hopefully we will have time to go to church and pray today.

janedoe@seductive.com

BATWOMAN

I am going to mass with Mom, wearing one of the two black dresses I brought down for the service, which will be in at least nine days. In Florida I will stand out like a big black bat, but at least it's Halloween.

HALLOWEEN

Today is Halloween, the day the Celts believed the veil between life and death was the thinnest. Mom does not want to leave the light on for trick-or-treaters.

NUMB

Mom tells Aunt Irene she's numb, which is how I feel, with occasional pain surfacing. The cat is enjoying her catnip. I will pour myself a glass of bull's blood.

BAD THOUGHTS

I have been thinking bad thoughts, which I dare not write or speak. Maybe when I am on my own deathbed.

MY FATHER DIED

My father died at about 6PM Eastern time today.

janedoe@seductive.com

CATHOLIC VOTER GUIDE

OK, it's Catholic as all-get out, but what do you expect?

janedoe@seductive.com

ONE YEAR

Just when you thought it was safe to read my blog again. It's been one year since the robbery. It was a nice day, today, the way it was exactly a year ago, just maybe a little cooler.

And I forgot the Red Sox won the World Series. People in Washington seem to be more interested in the fact that you can now walk to Redskins games.

A VERY SPECIAL BLOG

The Tardblog is back in a new incarnation, and I don't care if I'm being politically incorrect. I work with a woman who has been saying "tobacco excercise tax" all morning, instead of "excise tax." What the hell is that, a tax to get farmers in shape to grow more tobacco? Or to punish them for growing it? Or to get smokers into shape to offset the effects of their bad habit?

janedoe@seductive.com

HALLOWEEN COSTUMES #1

Halloween costumes are #1 of the latest Lycos 50.

I AM BORED

I am bored. And I hate this place. And the people in it suck.

janedoe@seductive.com

CARDINAL HICKEY DEAD

James Cardinal Hickey died today at age 84.

GETTING BETTER

"I have to admit it's getting better, getting better all the time."


John Lennon/Paul McCartney

Yeah, things are getting better litttle by little, as they always do, enuff to not make me want to give up completely

NOW WHAT?

What next?

janedoe@seductive.com

IT'S BEEN SIX MONTHS AND FOUR DAYS

"I can't seem to forget you."

Windsong TV spot from the '70's

1 IN 20

Newschannel 8 reports one in 20 DC residents tests positive for HIV. Please, be safe and get tested.

janedoe@seductive.com

SHITTY SERVICES

Almost three months ago I filed for reimbursement from the Shitty Victim's Compensation Fund and was told I didn't need to do anything more. Today, the overpaid underworked bitch handling my case said I still need the police report, which the assholes at the police station never gave to me. To add insult to injury I will have to file a written request and have it notarized for $5.oo and pay a $3.oo request fee along with an SASE. Processing is expected to take six weeks. One week from tomorrow it will be one year ago that I was robbed.

janedoe@seductive.com

AIKEN #1

Clay Aiken is #1 of the latest Lycos 50.

JOYCE JILLSON DEAD

Joyce Jillson, who did the horoscopes for the Washington Times and about 200 other papers, died October first of kidney failure at age 58. She was a Capricorn. Her former apprentice and editor Holiday Mathis will take over the reins.

ALUMINUM FOIL

"Makes a lovely hat and it blocks out the government's mind-control rays."

Inspector Munch, the X-Files

janedoe@seductive.com

VISIT PA. OR DC.

Heard a Visit PA spot on my car radio. Years ago they tried a new slogan "never a dull moment in Pennsylvania." Whoever came up with that never spent a weekend at Immaculata.

I decided to play tourist in my own hometown and drove to one of my favorite memorials -- the Navy-Marine Memorial to those lost at sea. If any of my relatives were lost at sea, they fought either with the Germans, the Austrians or the Russians. Don't think we can count my dad's cousin Roman, who drowned on a lake. The memorial is next to the Lady Bird Johnson Garden and across from the Lyndon B. Johnson Memorial Grove. Normally I just drive past all of them in a cab.

Two other underrated attractions -- the Heurich Mansion, near DuPont Circle, and the Arboretum, nice all year.

DREAMING IN HUNGARIAN

I know, I know. Yesterday I dreamt Grandma was still alive. I saw her at what looked like a party with a bunch of other senior citizens. She looked relaxed and happy. Aunt Betty, who is still alive, was there, too, but she was speaking Hungarian. Grandma spoke English.

Today I had a bad dream. I was in a hospital with some minor problem waiting for mom to pick me up. Some of my high school classmates were there, too. The hospital was overtaken by terrorists. I squeezed into a phone booth with two other people to hide. The phone booth was the first place the terrorists looked. They pulled me out first. I disarmed the terrorist and shot him.

BATHED IN LOVE

So many little kindnesses. I fell bathed in love, or at least showered in it. Or powdered with it. Or sprinkled with it or something like that.

janedoe@seductive.com

FACT OF THE DAY

Or even the week, month year:

Hippos kill more people in Africa every year than any other animal. How embarrassing to admit you were attacked by a hippo. Kind of like being bitten by a dachshund, run over by a drunken pedestrian, falling off a donkey or experiencing an earthquake in Delaware.

I HAD A DREAM AGAIN

Yeah, I know, this is starting to sound like a dream book, but hell, it's my blog. If you don't like it, get your own. I dreamt Grandma was alive again, and so was a dog I had when I was a kid. I told Grandma "I thought you were dead." Then I woke up and realized I had seen her in her casket and I had a holy card with her picture on it.

janedoe@seductive.com

FINAL PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT

Of its kind. The final '04 presidential debate will take place at 9 PM tonight. Major (and minor) networks will be airing it.

janedoe@seductive.com

REEK (NOT RANK)

Reek (see September 27th) showed up today wearing a trenchcoat. He looks like a homeless flasher.

janedoe@seductive.com

THIS WAS KIND OF A DREAM

Last night (for real) I was at Kramer's going to use the ladies' room and some Prince-like guy said he wanted to get into it. I asked why not into the men's room and he said "because I'm gay." Then he disappeared, really. When I got home I dreamt we were living in our old house in Falls Church and Mom and Dad were young and healthy again. My ex-boyfriend, whom I was stupid to let go of, came to pick me up. We got the times mixed up, but it worked out. The problem was he was shorter and less attractive than I remembered him, in fact he looked like the Prince guy from Kramer's.

HAPPY COLUMBUS DAY!

Today is Columbus Day. Our fifth-grade social studies book referred to him as a "brave Italian" who discovered America. No word about his bringing syphilis, alcohol, etc to the people later referred to as "Native Americans." Then again, the "noble savages" (I think it was Voltaire who called them that, or maybe Rousseau) introduced us to tobacco, marijuana, cocaine, etc.

janedoe@seductive.com

I HAD ANOTHER DREAM

I dreamt I was in the hospital for four days and didn't mind -- people cared for me and I got the rest I needed. No one told me I had been discharged, they just gave me a chart to sign with today's date on it.

Then a man who still means very much to me, although we can never be more than friends in this life came and took me home.

I HAD A DREAM

That I was on a movie set with Tobey Maguire, but not sure whether it was really he, 'cause I couldn't get near him. The director, whom I didn't recognize, fell asleep.

LET THE GAMES BEGIN!

The Animal Welfare League of Alexandria, from whence cometh my beloved Thunder, is sponsoring its annual Canine games at Chinquapin Park tomorrow. Thunder is one of the contestants in the Cutest Pet in Alexandria contest. I think he is the only pig there. Lightning is not eligible, as I did not get him from the shelter.

janedoe@seductive.com

YET ANOTHER PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT

Yet another presidential debate begins at 9:00 Eastern Time tonight. Most networks will air it.

janedoe@seductive.com

NATIONAL DEPRESSION SCREENING DAY

Today is National Depression Screening Day. Gee, what do I have to be depressed about?

DUMBASS THUNDER II

Took my beloved Thunder, referred to last Friday as "Fatass Thundercloud" to the vet yesterday. Evidently he's crapped out any plastic he might have ingested. Both pigs got their toenails cut. Thunder is now up to a proud two lbs 14 oz, Lightning is up to two lbs 15.

janedoe@seductive.com

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT

The vice presidential debate begins at 9:00 Eastern Time tonight. Most networks will air it.

FLIGHT TRACKING #1

Airline flight tracking is #1 of the latest Lycos 50.

SHIT!

I forgot Yom Kippur was about ten days ago. Maybe because it was on a weekend? I guess it really was the "Shabbat Shabbatom" or "Sabbath of Sabbaths."

janedoe@seductive.com

JANET LEIGH DEAD

Actress Janet Leigh is dead at age 77. Don't think my father will ever forget the shower scene from Psycho. The lady up the street wouldn't sleep for a week without the light on I know I've seen it at least once, but when it comes to scare-you-shitless-fuck-you-up-for-life movies, I think Silence of the Lambs had it beaten. Another movie that had me scared shitless for years was a B-movie called Out of the Fog or something like that. It starred Rondo Hatton from Hagerstown, a guy with acromegaly as a guy called "the Creeper." The Creeper went around snapping people's necks, killing them instantly. I asked my dad whether there was actually a Creeper and he said "yeah, the Boston Strangler" However, he neglected to tell me the Boston Strangler had been dead for years and was in Boston, anyway. As a result, I would not go out alone in the dark for years after that, not even into the basement.

One of Dad's cousins was married to a guy who worked for Janet Leigh and Tony Curtis. She was proud of the fact that she wore some of Janet's cast-off clothes. George sez maybe some of my cousins wore Jamie Lee Curtis's hand-me-downs. These same relatives put up a toilet seat in the back yard and used it as a basketball hoop. Dad thought that was rather hillbillyish, I just thought it made good sense.


janedoe@seductive.com

QUOTE OF THE DAY

"Lonely? Quit dating, adopt a kitten instead"

Seen outside Alleycat Allies

PROOF THAT MAYBE GOD DOESN'T HATE ME

The Fair went well, and the rain didn't start till about 4:15 PM. My ad will be in the Citypaper DIY section for the next seven or eight weeks.

UNHAPPY ANNIVERSARY

See April 26th.

DUMBASS THUNDER

Fatass Thundercloud, normally referred to as "My Beloved Thunder" pulled a plastic bag into his cage this morning. Not sure whether he ate any of it, and this just before the Citypaper Crafts Fair, where I am an "attraction." Normally doing stupidass things is Lightning's department.

janedoe@seductive.com

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT

The first in a series of Bush-Kerry debates takes place at 9:00 EDT tonight. Most of the major networks should be carrying it.

BASEBALL'S BACK

Mayor Williams announced this afternoon the Expos will move to DC in time for the 2005 season.

janedoe@seductive.com

VIVE LES EXPOS?

ESPN reports Major League Baseball has chosen DC as the new home for the Montreal Expos. A press conference will follow tomorrow.

FLIGHT TRACKING #1

Airline flight tracking is #1 of the latest Lycos 50.

THANK YOU CVS

Thanks to the CVS PM non-aspirin formula or whatever it is, I am able to sleep at least eight hours a night and have started dreaming again. Last night I dreamt I got married to a younger man. I think he was my old producer's brother.

REEK AND RANK

"Reek'' and "Rank" are two guys I know. "Reek" reeks. Usually of alcohol but sometimes of a combination of alcohol and cigarettes. And he dresses like a homeless man.

"Rank" smells rank. No other way of putting it. He does not comb his hair very often and washes it and cuts it less frequently. He also does not shave regularly, and evidently does not bathe, use deodorant or wash his clothes very often either. His fingernails look like the Satan character in Angel Heart or The Passion of the Christ and as far as I know he is Lutheran and does not play guitar, so he has no religious or other excuse. He smells rank all the time, it is not a matter of being too busy to shower or forgetting to use deodorant.

When we have meetings the two of them sit together on one side of the room. No one will sit next to them. They know better.


janedoe@seductive.com

LAST NIGHT I HAD THE STRANGEST DREAM

Ok, so it was actually this morning. I dreamt I had given birth. Then I realized the baby wasn't born until next year. I figure I have about six months to try if I want a baby born in the calendar year 2005.

MY BEST FRIEND'S BIRTHDAY

The Animal Welfare League of Alexandria, from whence cometh my beloved Thunder, has started a pet birthday club. You don't have to be an Alexandria resident to belong. For those of you who wonder from whence cometh my beloved Lightning (you probably don't) I got him from the Guinea Pig Adoption Network.

BUY THE BOOK

Or rent it from Booksfree.com. Kind of like Netflix but for books. Whatever happened to public libraries?

janedoe@seductive.com

HAPPY BIRTHDAY?

Today would have been Grandma's 97th birthday. It is the first one of her birthdays I didn't get her anything. I have been bumming over it the last couple days, then I got a bonus check at work for no reason. I look at it as a gift from the Great Beyond. Grandma would have liked that. Edna died four days before my birthday and I spent my birthday at her funeral. Grandma said "Edna wanted to be with you on your birthday." My answer was "couldn't she have just invited me to dinner?"

JEWISH WISDOM

"A young rabbi complained to the Rabbi of Rizhyn, 'During the hours when I devote myself to my studies, I feel life and light, but the moment when I stop studying it is all gone. What shall I do?'

The Rabbi of Rizhyn replied, 'when you walk through the woods on a dark night, you are happy to be accompanied by a man with a lamp, but when you part, you must grope you way on alone. If you carry your own light, you need not be afraid of any darkness.'"

From The Kabbalah: A Tradition of Hidden Knowledge by Priya Hemenway

janedoe@seductive.com

AIKEN #1

Clay Aiken is #1 of the latest Lycos 50.