Digital Hamster
Another great blog title taken.
Thursday, July 31, 2003
TWEEDLE DUM AND DUMBER
Heard John Mayer's Your Body is a Wonderland , which I love, on Mix 107. Celeste Clark talked about ending up with the Mad Hatter. Yeah, that's what I'd end up with, or Tweedle Dumb and Tweedle Dee, Humpty Dumpty, or the Pig Baby.
There are sick people. I did a search on "Alice in Wonderland" and ended up with this.
janedoe@seductive.com
Heard John Mayer's Your Body is a Wonderland , which I love, on Mix 107. Celeste Clark talked about ending up with the Mad Hatter. Yeah, that's what I'd end up with, or Tweedle Dumb and Tweedle Dee, Humpty Dumpty, or the Pig Baby.
There are sick people. I did a search on "Alice in Wonderland" and ended up with this.
janedoe@seductive.com
Wednesday, July 30, 2003
Tuesday, July 29, 2003
Monday, July 28, 2003
JANE'S MOVIE REVIEW
Got to see the Seabiscuit screening at Mazza Gallery. Laura Hillenbrand was there, they gave her a diamond necklace shaped like a horseshoe like Carrie Bradshaw wears on Sex and the City. Arch Campbell, Tony Kornheiser and Diane Rehm were there -- Bob Costas was supposed to be, but I didn't see him :( (I had to leave early, partly because I miscalculated times, partly because the movie started late, but I did get a goody bag from Neiman Marcus).
It was funny to hear them mention Hope and Crosby (Bob Hope died today). I admit, I did like all the shots of the jockeys' behinds, and I was strangely aroused by seeing the short jockeys dancing with Mexican hookers. Of course, Tobey Maguire was gorgeous, although they he didn't look blind in one eye, like Red Pollard was supposed to be. Also, the kid who plays little Red has dark eyes, and later we see Tobey's gorgeous blue eyes -- normally eyes get darker, not lighter with age.
Despite my aversion to violence, I admit I DID enjoy seeing the goat fly out the window.
Got to see the Seabiscuit screening at Mazza Gallery. Laura Hillenbrand was there, they gave her a diamond necklace shaped like a horseshoe like Carrie Bradshaw wears on Sex and the City. Arch Campbell, Tony Kornheiser and Diane Rehm were there -- Bob Costas was supposed to be, but I didn't see him :( (I had to leave early, partly because I miscalculated times, partly because the movie started late, but I did get a goody bag from Neiman Marcus).
It was funny to hear them mention Hope and Crosby (Bob Hope died today). I admit, I did like all the shots of the jockeys' behinds, and I was strangely aroused by seeing the short jockeys dancing with Mexican hookers. Of course, Tobey Maguire was gorgeous, although they he didn't look blind in one eye, like Red Pollard was supposed to be. Also, the kid who plays little Red has dark eyes, and later we see Tobey's gorgeous blue eyes -- normally eyes get darker, not lighter with age.
Despite my aversion to violence, I admit I DID enjoy seeing the goat fly out the window.
Sunday, July 27, 2003
BISCUIT TICKETS
Got tickets to a private screening of Seabiscuit to benefit the CFIDS Foundation. Funny how I spend so much time making sure other people are aware of what's going on I don't get to experience it myself.
Got tickets to a private screening of Seabiscuit to benefit the CFIDS Foundation. Funny how I spend so much time making sure other people are aware of what's going on I don't get to experience it myself.
Saturday, July 26, 2003
SHORT PEOPLE GOT....
Amy Paige and I have been talking about the vertically-challenged people in our lives. Amy, who is not terribly tall, says her great-grandmother was about four feet tall. My cousin Sean's other grandmother, whom he never met and I barely remember, was four-feet-nine. Sean saw a picture of her and asked his mother "was your mom a midget?" I wanted to ask "was she?" but I didn't dare.
Amy Paige and I have been talking about the vertically-challenged people in our lives. Amy, who is not terribly tall, says her great-grandmother was about four feet tall. My cousin Sean's other grandmother, whom he never met and I barely remember, was four-feet-nine. Sean saw a picture of her and asked his mother "was your mom a midget?" I wanted to ask "was she?" but I didn't dare.
Friday, July 25, 2003
SEABISCUIT
Seabiscuit opened today, mostly to good reviews. Naturally I'm happy for Laura, and you know how I feel about Tobey Maguire. There is supposed to be a benefit screening Monday at Mazza Gallery to benefit the CFIDS Foundation. Not sure whether there are any tickets left.
Seabiscuit opened today, mostly to good reviews. Naturally I'm happy for Laura, and you know how I feel about Tobey Maguire. There is supposed to be a benefit screening Monday at Mazza Gallery to benefit the CFIDS Foundation. Not sure whether there are any tickets left.
JOEY?
MSN reports after Friends ends, Joey will have his own show. Joey? It reminds me of a MAD Magazine article which suggested Squiggy from Laverne and Shirley get his own show.
MSN reports after Friends ends, Joey will have his own show. Joey? It reminds me of a MAD Magazine article which suggested Squiggy from Laverne and Shirley get his own show.
ALL THE GOOD BLOG TITLES ARE TAKEN
Pfrrrt.hah, Ultrawombat, American Undershirt, and Slug's Blob . Yeah, that's "blob," not "blog."
Pfrrrt.hah, Ultrawombat, American Undershirt, and Slug's Blob . Yeah, that's "blob," not "blog."
Thursday, July 24, 2003
I AM A SICK AND TWISTED PERSON
Mix 107 reports Verne Troyer, the little guy who plays Mini Me in the "Austin Powers" movies is complaining people just try to pick him up for no reason at all. I admit I find it intriguing to watch a small human being being handed about like an object -- kind of like Mini Me in the Snugli or the ESPN promo showing Kerri Strug being handed around from staff member to staff member or the scene from the movie The Madness of King George III, which shows the king carrying his youngest daughter under his arm like a football.
One of the best compliments I ever got was from a midget who said I had a nice behind. I figured he knew what he was talking about -- he saw more of them than most people.
On a side note, I thought Katie Couric's interview with Verne Troyer was a new low in television journalism, no pun intended.
Mix 107 reports Verne Troyer, the little guy who plays Mini Me in the "Austin Powers" movies is complaining people just try to pick him up for no reason at all. I admit I find it intriguing to watch a small human being being handed about like an object -- kind of like Mini Me in the Snugli or the ESPN promo showing Kerri Strug being handed around from staff member to staff member or the scene from the movie The Madness of King George III, which shows the king carrying his youngest daughter under his arm like a football.
One of the best compliments I ever got was from a midget who said I had a nice behind. I figured he knew what he was talking about -- he saw more of them than most people.
On a side note, I thought Katie Couric's interview with Verne Troyer was a new low in television journalism, no pun intended.
Wednesday, July 23, 2003
CHRISTIAN SCIENTISTS
NPR reports the Christian Scientists are reporting a membership crisis. Maybe they're all getting sick and dying? At my old job we referred to our health plan as the "Christian Scientist Package." Those were only people it benefitted, and we prayed we didn't get sick.
NPR reports the Christian Scientists are reporting a membership crisis. Maybe they're all getting sick and dying? At my old job we referred to our health plan as the "Christian Scientist Package." Those were only people it benefitted, and we prayed we didn't get sick.
Tuesday, July 22, 2003
Monday, July 21, 2003
GEEKS WILL FIND YOU
Another of Jane's Rules (principles, theories, constants?) of Dating: Geeks will find you. If you meet a man you're attracted to and give him your home phone number, work number, cell phone number, fax number, e-mail address, parents' phone number, best friend's phone number, etc, he will not call you. However, if you meet a geek and don't even tell him your last name (or sometimes even first name) he will find your home or work number, which ever is LEAST convenient for you, and call you.
Another of Jane's Rules (principles, theories, constants?) of Dating: Geeks will find you. If you meet a man you're attracted to and give him your home phone number, work number, cell phone number, fax number, e-mail address, parents' phone number, best friend's phone number, etc, he will not call you. However, if you meet a geek and don't even tell him your last name (or sometimes even first name) he will find your home or work number, which ever is LEAST convenient for you, and call you.
WHAT NOT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE FIRING SOMEONE
Fortunately no one ever talked to me quite like this. Still, it sucks losing your job.
Fortunately no one ever talked to me quite like this. Still, it sucks losing your job.
Sunday, July 20, 2003
WOYCZEK (NO, NOT GEORGE BÜCHNER'S "WOYZECK")
My late grandfather owned a bar across the road from a steel mill, one of those bars in which my friend Kevin says the men "spent half their paychecks on booze just to forget they worked in a goddamn mill." One of his customers was also a neighbor, Mr. S. I don't give his full name because his children and grandchildren are still living and friends of my relatives. We referred to him as "old Mr. S.," even though he was probably in his 40's or 50's. Mr. S. would come for his first drink in the morning, his hands shaking so badly he couldn't pick up his drink, so Grandpap would pour it for him and place it in front of him at the bar so he could suck the top off of it before picking up his glass. My father has made his name into a verb, as in "are you going to S--- that drink?" Mom says "no wonder he drank -- his wife was nuts. She drove Daddy (my grandfather) crazy."
My girlfriend Catherine's family has also made a proper name into a verb. They have a relative named Woyzeck who has a habit of showing up around mealtime. When people offer him something to eat he says "no thank you" until after the table has been cleared. Then he says "that looked good. Can you fix a plate for me?" Thus, in Catherine's family, to "Woyzeck" is to rescind on a former decision.
My late grandfather owned a bar across the road from a steel mill, one of those bars in which my friend Kevin says the men "spent half their paychecks on booze just to forget they worked in a goddamn mill." One of his customers was also a neighbor, Mr. S. I don't give his full name because his children and grandchildren are still living and friends of my relatives. We referred to him as "old Mr. S.," even though he was probably in his 40's or 50's. Mr. S. would come for his first drink in the morning, his hands shaking so badly he couldn't pick up his drink, so Grandpap would pour it for him and place it in front of him at the bar so he could suck the top off of it before picking up his glass. My father has made his name into a verb, as in "are you going to S--- that drink?" Mom says "no wonder he drank -- his wife was nuts. She drove Daddy (my grandfather) crazy."
My girlfriend Catherine's family has also made a proper name into a verb. They have a relative named Woyzeck who has a habit of showing up around mealtime. When people offer him something to eat he says "no thank you" until after the table has been cleared. Then he says "that looked good. Can you fix a plate for me?" Thus, in Catherine's family, to "Woyzeck" is to rescind on a former decision.
MARISKA, MARISKA, MARISKA!
My Great Aunt Mary is 102 this week. She is the oldest member of our family and the first to live to be over 100. She forgets my grandmother's name, which is funny because my grandmother is also named Mary, so she refers to her as "Joey's widow." My grandfather has been dead since 1965. Aunt Mary probably is the only living person who refers to my mother as "Mariska" (little Mary). Her sister is "Irenka." (Little Irene) To hear the two of them talk is like a geriatric Brady Bunch episode. Aunt Irene talks about how Mom was always the good one, the smart one, the cute one etc -- "It's just 'Mariska, Mariska, Mariska!" Like "Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!"
My mom tells a story of how my great-grandfather was dying and Aunt Mary (or one of the other great aunts) was wailing, "oh, Uppa, Uppa." My grandfather reportedly said "shut up" or "you stop that" or something to that effect. They lit a candle next to his bed and Aunt Mary said "when that candle goes out, he's dead." Sure enough it did. As a child I wondered whether he would have lived longer had they bought a bigger candle.
My Great Uncle Waino, who actually lived a long time despite his habit, liked to see how close he could come to a speeding train before it hit his car. He liked to do this with my father in the car, which may explain why my father is the way he is.
My Great Aunt Mary is 102 this week. She is the oldest member of our family and the first to live to be over 100. She forgets my grandmother's name, which is funny because my grandmother is also named Mary, so she refers to her as "Joey's widow." My grandfather has been dead since 1965. Aunt Mary probably is the only living person who refers to my mother as "Mariska" (little Mary). Her sister is "Irenka." (Little Irene) To hear the two of them talk is like a geriatric Brady Bunch episode. Aunt Irene talks about how Mom was always the good one, the smart one, the cute one etc -- "It's just 'Mariska, Mariska, Mariska!" Like "Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!"
My mom tells a story of how my great-grandfather was dying and Aunt Mary (or one of the other great aunts) was wailing, "oh, Uppa, Uppa." My grandfather reportedly said "shut up" or "you stop that" or something to that effect. They lit a candle next to his bed and Aunt Mary said "when that candle goes out, he's dead." Sure enough it did. As a child I wondered whether he would have lived longer had they bought a bigger candle.
My Great Uncle Waino, who actually lived a long time despite his habit, liked to see how close he could come to a speeding train before it hit his car. He liked to do this with my father in the car, which may explain why my father is the way he is.
AN ARMCHAIR (OR WHEELCHAIR) MUSEUM TOUR
Here is an extensive link to art museums in at least 19 different countries. Lest you think I am making fun of people with disabilities, I got this link from the National MS Society.
janedoe@seductive.com
Here is an extensive link to art museums in at least 19 different countries. Lest you think I am making fun of people with disabilities, I got this link from the National MS Society.
janedoe@seductive.com
Saturday, July 19, 2003
HUH?
"The Knot's" list of mistakes you can make while proposing. As I said before, the closest I ever got to a proposal was "If you marry me, I promise my father won't call you shiksa." The closest I ever came to proposing was to a guy who told me he had doubts about his fiancee before the wedding. I said "marry me instead." Obviously he didn't.
"The Knot's" list of mistakes you can make while proposing. As I said before, the closest I ever got to a proposal was "If you marry me, I promise my father won't call you shiksa." The closest I ever came to proposing was to a guy who told me he had doubts about his fiancee before the wedding. I said "marry me instead." Obviously he didn't.
HEY, YOU ASSHOLES!
Yeah, you know who you are -- Greenpeace, , Scientology, and the Acorn Program. Every day you stand there on Connecticut Avenue and try to pass out literature, collect signatures and hit people for money. I don't care about that, but must you do it all at once? And why do you hit people repeatedly? If I told you ten minutes ago I don't have a few minutes for Greenpeace, I don't now either. You just put people in a bad mood. The other day woman approached me wearing a round sticker on her shirt -- I thought she was one of you. Then I realized it was an Old Town Trolley sticker. I almost yelled at a poor innocent tourist because I am so constantly beset by people accosting me on the sidewalk.
That being said, I admit I have also been one of the assholes. A couple times I tried to pass out literature outside the MacPherson Square Metro station for my old church. Some guy was playing guitar, and he wasn't very good. The whole time I was there, he told us we were standing too close to the entrance, being too aggressive, etc. Obviously we were stealing his thunder. At the end of my shift I felt like throwing a dollar into his guitar case and saying "buy yourself a new amp." Or some guitar lessons."
Yeah, you know who you are -- Greenpeace, , Scientology, and the Acorn Program. Every day you stand there on Connecticut Avenue and try to pass out literature, collect signatures and hit people for money. I don't care about that, but must you do it all at once? And why do you hit people repeatedly? If I told you ten minutes ago I don't have a few minutes for Greenpeace, I don't now either. You just put people in a bad mood. The other day woman approached me wearing a round sticker on her shirt -- I thought she was one of you. Then I realized it was an Old Town Trolley sticker. I almost yelled at a poor innocent tourist because I am so constantly beset by people accosting me on the sidewalk.
That being said, I admit I have also been one of the assholes. A couple times I tried to pass out literature outside the MacPherson Square Metro station for my old church. Some guy was playing guitar, and he wasn't very good. The whole time I was there, he told us we were standing too close to the entrance, being too aggressive, etc. Obviously we were stealing his thunder. At the end of my shift I felt like throwing a dollar into his guitar case and saying "buy yourself a new amp." Or some guitar lessons."
WHITE COCOA
Caribou Coffee has something called "white cocoa" to sprinkle on your coffee. Don't know how they do it, and have never tried it myself. White chocolate is not real chocolate. As a kid I was allergic to chocolate, and so I got it every Easter, Christmas, etc. It is POOR substitute -- while it's ok when coupled with dark chocolate or milk chocolate, it sucks by itself -- just like non-fat sour cream does not taste like the real thing and Snackwells do not taste like real cookies.
Caribou Coffee has something called "white cocoa" to sprinkle on your coffee. Don't know how they do it, and have never tried it myself. White chocolate is not real chocolate. As a kid I was allergic to chocolate, and so I got it every Easter, Christmas, etc. It is POOR substitute -- while it's ok when coupled with dark chocolate or milk chocolate, it sucks by itself -- just like non-fat sour cream does not taste like the real thing and Snackwells do not taste like real cookies.
Friday, July 18, 2003
GRAFFITI
I have not actually seen any of these:
No matter how good she looks,
some other guy is sick and tired
of putting up with her crap.
Men's Room
Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, NC
It's hard to make a comeback
when you haven't been anywhere.
Written in the dust
on the back of a bus,
Wickenburg, AZ
Make love, not war.
-Hell, do both
GET MARRIED!
Women's restroom
The Filling Station, Bozeman, MT
A Woman's Rule of Thumb:
If it has tires or testicles,
you're going to have trouble with it.
Women's restroom
Dick's Last Resort, Dallas, TX
You're too good for him.
Sign over mirror in Women's restroom
Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills,CA.
No wonder you always go home alone.
Sign over mirror in Men's restroom,
Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills,CA
I have not actually seen any of these:
No matter how good she looks,
some other guy is sick and tired
of putting up with her crap.
Men's Room
Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, NC
It's hard to make a comeback
when you haven't been anywhere.
Written in the dust
on the back of a bus,
Wickenburg, AZ
Make love, not war.
-Hell, do both
GET MARRIED!
Women's restroom
The Filling Station, Bozeman, MT
A Woman's Rule of Thumb:
If it has tires or testicles,
you're going to have trouble with it.
Women's restroom
Dick's Last Resort, Dallas, TX
You're too good for him.
Sign over mirror in Women's restroom
Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills,CA.
No wonder you always go home alone.
Sign over mirror in Men's restroom,
Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills,CA
MERCY KILLING
A couple days a go a nurse at Adventist Hospital, where I work out, was accused of mercy killing. This bothers me. If I
sprain my ankle or get overheated, will she do the same thing to me? Years ago I dated a respiratory therapist at Shands Hospital, who said most of the people he resuscitated should not have been. His name was Rick -- it should have been "Prick." I used to worry that he wouldn't resuscitate me because I didn't put out for him. He seemed just like that kind of guy.
A couple days a go a nurse at Adventist Hospital, where I work out, was accused of mercy killing. This bothers me. If I
sprain my ankle or get overheated, will she do the same thing to me? Years ago I dated a respiratory therapist at Shands Hospital, who said most of the people he resuscitated should not have been. His name was Rick -- it should have been "Prick." I used to worry that he wouldn't resuscitate me because I didn't put out for him. He seemed just like that kind of guy.
SEABISCUIT
Laura Hillenbrand, who wrote Seabiscuit will be on ABC World News Tonight. and on 20/20. I admire Laura for being able to write a 400-page book despite a debilitating illness and I lust after Tobey Maguire.
Laura Hillenbrand, who wrote Seabiscuit will be on ABC World News Tonight. and on 20/20. I admire Laura for being able to write a 400-page book despite a debilitating illness and I lust after Tobey Maguire.
WHAT GOD HATH JOINED....
Catholic Exchange takes a dim view of the late Katherine Hepburn and her adulterous relationship with Spencer Tracy, saying for 27 years they proudly rent what God had joined asunder, and He is not happy with this. Uh oh.
Catholic Exchange takes a dim view of the late Katherine Hepburn and her adulterous relationship with Spencer Tracy, saying for 27 years they proudly rent what God had joined asunder, and He is not happy with this. Uh oh.
HE BOP
The Australian Broadcasting Corporation reports men who masturbate are less likely to get prostate cancer than those who don't. If this is true, the men I date will live forever.
The Australian Broadcasting Corporation reports men who masturbate are less likely to get prostate cancer than those who don't. If this is true, the men I date will live forever.
BORED OF EDUCATION
CNN Headline News reports a man shot someone at a West Virginia School Board meeting and tried to burn two people. That never happened at any of the school board meetings I covered. One time a guy had an anxiety attack and ran out of the building, throwing himself face-down on the lawn, but that was the most interesting thing that ever happened at one of them. Allan Loudell wanted to know how anyone who hates meetings as much as I did could be a member of so many clubs and be an officer in two. Easy. We meet at my house and I tell them to make it snappy because I've got company coming. Delaware history would have been considerably altered if New Castle County Council meetings had been held in my living room.
CNN Headline News reports a man shot someone at a West Virginia School Board meeting and tried to burn two people. That never happened at any of the school board meetings I covered. One time a guy had an anxiety attack and ran out of the building, throwing himself face-down on the lawn, but that was the most interesting thing that ever happened at one of them. Allan Loudell wanted to know how anyone who hates meetings as much as I did could be a member of so many clubs and be an officer in two. Easy. We meet at my house and I tell them to make it snappy because I've got company coming. Delaware history would have been considerably altered if New Castle County Council meetings had been held in my living room.
Thursday, July 17, 2003
A PRETTY GOOD TAROT SITE
Found this tarot site on the Internet. It only deals with major arcana cards.
The best psychic I ever went to was the first one. I guess no girl ever forgets her first psychic. She knew things only a private detective could know. The worst was one in DC who said something like "you're gonna take a trip somewhere. Someone you knew died. Someday you're gonna get sick and you're gonna die." I could have told her that. Thank heavens I only paid five dollars for it.
Found this tarot site on the Internet. It only deals with major arcana cards.
The best psychic I ever went to was the first one. I guess no girl ever forgets her first psychic. She knew things only a private detective could know. The worst was one in DC who said something like "you're gonna take a trip somewhere. Someone you knew died. Someday you're gonna get sick and you're gonna die." I could have told her that. Thank heavens I only paid five dollars for it.
IT NEVER RAINS
Tonight on Friends they have the episode in which Mike gives Phoebe his key and David comes back from Minsk. Yeah, like nothing like that has ever happened to me. All my guys are laying low, now which, if nothing else, allows me creative freedom.
Tonight on Friends they have the episode in which Mike gives Phoebe his key and David comes back from Minsk. Yeah, like nothing like that has ever happened to me. All my guys are laying low, now which, if nothing else, allows me creative freedom.
SNUGGLE
I love the Snuggle radio spots that make fun of the Calvin Klein TV spotswith the anorexic, anemic-looking waifs with fake British accents and sappy music. Never mind a lot of laundry products give me headaches/sore throats/nausea.
I love the Snuggle radio spots that make fun of the Calvin Klein TV spotswith the anorexic, anemic-looking waifs with fake British accents and sappy music. Never mind a lot of laundry products give me headaches/sore throats/nausea.
ADOPT-A-NAUGA
As though I hadn't had enough childhood traumas re-visited this week, Kevin sent me this link. Uh, thanks, Kevin.
janedoe@seductive.com
As though I hadn't had enough childhood traumas re-visited this week, Kevin sent me this link. Uh, thanks, Kevin.
janedoe@seductive.com
Wednesday, July 16, 2003
STILL MORON DIGGER
Here is Novartis' response to my e-mail:
Thank you for your interest in Novartis Pharmaceuticals Corporation.
We sincerely appreciate your feedback on our advertisements. The new Lamisil Tablets advertisements use a memorable character, Digger the Dermatophyte. This character is designed to draw people's attention to their fungal nail infection, which is an infection under their nail. Once we have people's attention, we can then educate them about the fact that this infection can be treated. Our research shows that many people with this condition wait a long time before consulting their doctor about treatment. We hope that our campaign will motivate people to consult their doctor about this condition before it gets worse.
Sincerely,
Novartis Pharmaceuticals
Customer Interaction Center
When I was a kid my grandfather told a story about taking a train through Europe in which he saw a Russian lady with a bunch of little kids. The woman proceded to pick lice out of the kids' hair on the train. This grossed him out, and didn't do much for his opinion of Russians.
Here is Novartis' response to my e-mail:
Thank you for your interest in Novartis Pharmaceuticals Corporation.
We sincerely appreciate your feedback on our advertisements. The new Lamisil Tablets advertisements use a memorable character, Digger the Dermatophyte. This character is designed to draw people's attention to their fungal nail infection, which is an infection under their nail. Once we have people's attention, we can then educate them about the fact that this infection can be treated. Our research shows that many people with this condition wait a long time before consulting their doctor about treatment. We hope that our campaign will motivate people to consult their doctor about this condition before it gets worse.
Sincerely,
Novartis Pharmaceuticals
Customer Interaction Center
When I was a kid my grandfather told a story about taking a train through Europe in which he saw a Russian lady with a bunch of little kids. The woman proceded to pick lice out of the kids' hair on the train. This grossed him out, and didn't do much for his opinion of Russians.
Tuesday, July 15, 2003
MORON DIGGER
Now I know why Digger bothers me so much. It reminds me of the "Nauga" a toothy little cartoon animal which was used to sell Naugahyde in the '60's. It terrified me as a small child, causing me to run screaming from the room, until my mom explained that "Naugahyde is just like plastic." It is plastic. Chris Core has a little stuffed Nauga in his office, which awakened all sorts of traumas when I met him.
I was also frightened by Carol Burnett as a small child. I think the first time I saw her was with Lucille Ball when I was about three years old. Carol was doing her Tarzan yell, which terrified me no end. Years later when I was nine or ten years old I was afraid to go near the TV when her show was on, it was a while before I realized she didn't yell much and she was actually funny.
Now I know why Digger bothers me so much. It reminds me of the "Nauga" a toothy little cartoon animal which was used to sell Naugahyde in the '60's. It terrified me as a small child, causing me to run screaming from the room, until my mom explained that "Naugahyde is just like plastic." It is plastic. Chris Core has a little stuffed Nauga in his office, which awakened all sorts of traumas when I met him.
I was also frightened by Carol Burnett as a small child. I think the first time I saw her was with Lucille Ball when I was about three years old. Carol was doing her Tarzan yell, which terrified me no end. Years later when I was nine or ten years old I was afraid to go near the TV when her show was on, it was a while before I realized she didn't yell much and she was actually funny.
DIGGER THE TOENAIL FUNGUS
MSN Slate has a good article on Digger the Toenail Fungus. I personally find this ad revolting, and have e-mailed the people at Novartis to tell them this. Whoever thought of this disgusting spot should have his/her toenails peeled back and have stuff shoved under them like in the commercial. I also hate Novartis' depressing ads with dreary actors and maudlin music extolling the praises of the pharmaceutical concern, and have told them so. Not only that, Lamisil can also do nasty things to your liver.
At one time Lightning was digging so much I was considering re-naming him "Digger." My book sez guinea pigs do not dig. This is a lie.
MSN Slate has a good article on Digger the Toenail Fungus. I personally find this ad revolting, and have e-mailed the people at Novartis to tell them this. Whoever thought of this disgusting spot should have his/her toenails peeled back and have stuff shoved under them like in the commercial. I also hate Novartis' depressing ads with dreary actors and maudlin music extolling the praises of the pharmaceutical concern, and have told them so. Not only that, Lamisil can also do nasty things to your liver.
At one time Lightning was digging so much I was considering re-naming him "Digger." My book sez guinea pigs do not dig. This is a lie.
IF YOU'RE SO SMART...
Here is a list of famous Mensans. Some of my favorite people in the world have been Mensans, and my least-favorite were non-Mensans.
Here is a list of famous Mensans. Some of my favorite people in the world have been Mensans, and my least-favorite were non-Mensans.
ACCIDENTS NEVER HAPPEN
Sears has a spot which shows water leaking out of a refrigerator. A very beautiful little girl says "Mommy, the refrigerator had an accident." When I was her age, I never had accidents. My parents would have been glad for me to have an accident. At the other side, one of my co-workers tells me her sister was still wetting the bed when she was 16 years old. Their father beat her.
Sears has a spot which shows water leaking out of a refrigerator. A very beautiful little girl says "Mommy, the refrigerator had an accident." When I was her age, I never had accidents. My parents would have been glad for me to have an accident. At the other side, one of my co-workers tells me her sister was still wetting the bed when she was 16 years old. Their father beat her.
THE BOYS OF SUMMER
The Ataris have re-recorded Don Henley's Boys of Summer:
Nobody on the road
nobody on the beach
I feel it in the air
the summer's out of reach
Empty lake,
empty streets
the sun goes down alone
I'm drivin' by your house
Though I know you're not home
But I can see you-
Your brown skin shinin' in the sun
You got your hair combed back and your
sunglasses on, baby
And I can tell you my love for you
will still be strong after the boys of
summer have gone
I never will forget those nights
I wonder if it was a dream
Remember how you made me crazy?
Remember how I made you scream?
Now I don't understand what's happened
to our love,
But babe, I'm gonna get you back
I'm gonna show you what I'm made of
I can see you-
Your brown skin shinin' in the sun
I see you walkin' real slow and you're smilin' at everyone
I can tell you my love for you will still be strong
after the boys of summer have gone
Out on the road today I saw a DEADHEAD sticker
on a Cadillac
A little voice inside my head said, "Don't
look back. You can never look back."
I thought I knew what love was,
What did I know?
Those days are gone forever
I should just let them go but-
I can see you-
Your brown skin shinin' in the sun
You got that top pulled down and that radio on baby
And I can tell you my love for you will still be strong
after the boys of summer have gone
I can see you-
Your brown skin shining in the sun
You got that hair slicked back and
those Wayfarers on, baby
I can tell you my love for you will still be strong
after the boys of summer have gone
Copyright 1984 by Don Henley
It's got a good beat and you can dance to it, reminiscent of the Lemonheads' Mrs. Robinson. (Again this fascination with the older woman/younger man theme!)
The Ataris have re-recorded Don Henley's Boys of Summer:
Nobody on the road
nobody on the beach
I feel it in the air
the summer's out of reach
Empty lake,
empty streets
the sun goes down alone
I'm drivin' by your house
Though I know you're not home
But I can see you-
Your brown skin shinin' in the sun
You got your hair combed back and your
sunglasses on, baby
And I can tell you my love for you
will still be strong after the boys of
summer have gone
I never will forget those nights
I wonder if it was a dream
Remember how you made me crazy?
Remember how I made you scream?
Now I don't understand what's happened
to our love,
But babe, I'm gonna get you back
I'm gonna show you what I'm made of
I can see you-
Your brown skin shinin' in the sun
I see you walkin' real slow and you're smilin' at everyone
I can tell you my love for you will still be strong
after the boys of summer have gone
Out on the road today I saw a DEADHEAD sticker
on a Cadillac
A little voice inside my head said, "Don't
look back. You can never look back."
I thought I knew what love was,
What did I know?
Those days are gone forever
I should just let them go but-
I can see you-
Your brown skin shinin' in the sun
You got that top pulled down and that radio on baby
And I can tell you my love for you will still be strong
after the boys of summer have gone
I can see you-
Your brown skin shining in the sun
You got that hair slicked back and
those Wayfarers on, baby
I can tell you my love for you will still be strong
after the boys of summer have gone
Copyright 1984 by Don Henley
It's got a good beat and you can dance to it, reminiscent of the Lemonheads' Mrs. Robinson. (Again this fascination with the older woman/younger man theme!)
WISHING WELLS
Yikes! Dawn Wells , who played Mary Ann on Gilligan's Island is now running a clothing business aimed at senior citizens. Dawn is 64 she was supposed to be the youngest of the castaways.
Yikes! Dawn Wells , who played Mary Ann on Gilligan's Island is now running a clothing business aimed at senior citizens. Dawn is 64 she was supposed to be the youngest of the castaways.
Monday, July 14, 2003
A TWENTIES MEMORY
I stayed at the home of Man and Sting Ray and Salvador Dali joined us for dinner several times and Dali decided to have a one-man show which he did and it was a huge success, as one man showed up...in September of that year Matisse was commissioned to paint an allegory, but with his wife's illness, it remained unpainted and was finally wallpapered instead...we had great fun in Spain that year and we travelled and wrote and Hemingway took me tuna fishing and I caught four cans and we laughed and Alice Toklas asked me if I was in love with Gertrude Stein because I had dedicated a book of poems to her even though they were T.S. Eliot's...Gertrude Stein and I used to go antique hunting in the local shops, and I remember once asking her if she thought I should become a writer. In the typically cryptic way we were all so enchanted with she said, "No." I took that to mean yes and sailed for Italy the next day.
From Getting Even
by Woody Allen copyright 1966
I stayed at the home of Man and Sting Ray and Salvador Dali joined us for dinner several times and Dali decided to have a one-man show which he did and it was a huge success, as one man showed up...in September of that year Matisse was commissioned to paint an allegory, but with his wife's illness, it remained unpainted and was finally wallpapered instead...we had great fun in Spain that year and we travelled and wrote and Hemingway took me tuna fishing and I caught four cans and we laughed and Alice Toklas asked me if I was in love with Gertrude Stein because I had dedicated a book of poems to her even though they were T.S. Eliot's...Gertrude Stein and I used to go antique hunting in the local shops, and I remember once asking her if she thought I should become a writer. In the typically cryptic way we were all so enchanted with she said, "No." I took that to mean yes and sailed for Italy the next day.
From Getting Even
by Woody Allen copyright 1966
ANYWAY YOU WANT IT
Any way you want it
That's the way you need it
Any way you want it
She loves to laugh
She loves to sing
She does everything
She loves to move
She loves to groove
She loves the lovin' things
Ooh, all night, all night
Oh, every night
So hold tight, hold tight
Ooh baby, hold tight
CHORUS
Oh, she said
"Any way you want it
That's the way you need it
Any way you wan it."
She said, "Any way you want it
That's the way you need it
Any way you want it."
I was alone
I never knew
What good love could do
Ooh, then we touched
Then we sang
About the lovin' things
Ooh, all night, all night
Oh, every night
So hold tight, hold tight
Ooh baby, hold tight
From Journey's 1980 album, "Departure." Ford is now using it as a radio and TV spot. Great song, but my parents just traded their Ford for a Saturn.
Any way you want it
That's the way you need it
Any way you want it
She loves to laugh
She loves to sing
She does everything
She loves to move
She loves to groove
She loves the lovin' things
Ooh, all night, all night
Oh, every night
So hold tight, hold tight
Ooh baby, hold tight
CHORUS
Oh, she said
"Any way you want it
That's the way you need it
Any way you wan it."
She said, "Any way you want it
That's the way you need it
Any way you want it."
I was alone
I never knew
What good love could do
Ooh, then we touched
Then we sang
About the lovin' things
Ooh, all night, all night
Oh, every night
So hold tight, hold tight
Ooh baby, hold tight
From Journey's 1980 album, "Departure." Ford is now using it as a radio and TV spot. Great song, but my parents just traded their Ford for a Saturn.
No Power to the Peeps
Kramer's has a new exhibition by Peter Regas. One observers says it's an improvement over the old Marshmallow Peep exhibit -- "this one actually took some skill." It's important to go to marshmallowpeeps.com if you go to marshallowpeep.com you will get something stupid.
Kramer's has a new exhibition by Peter Regas. One observers says it's an improvement over the old Marshmallow Peep exhibit -- "this one actually took some skill." It's important to go to marshmallowpeeps.com if you go to marshallowpeep.com you will get something stupid.
FREAK ON A LEASH
I found a leash at Doggie Style on 18th St. that Thunder doesn't hate. Haven't tried it on Lightning. It was embarrassing -- I had to special-order it without saying whom it was for. The woman showed me a giant choke collar with spikes on it meant for a German shepherd or a pit bull or something like that, and I just said, no, that's not what I had in mind.
The pigs have a bottle attached to the side of the cage with a rubber band. Thunder has learned to use it, but Lightning pulls on it funny, and makes it twang, even though he has nothing wrong with his teeth. I worry he will knock his teeth out or knock himself senseless one of these days.
I found a leash at Doggie Style on 18th St. that Thunder doesn't hate. Haven't tried it on Lightning. It was embarrassing -- I had to special-order it without saying whom it was for. The woman showed me a giant choke collar with spikes on it meant for a German shepherd or a pit bull or something like that, and I just said, no, that's not what I had in mind.
The pigs have a bottle attached to the side of the cage with a rubber band. Thunder has learned to use it, but Lightning pulls on it funny, and makes it twang, even though he has nothing wrong with his teeth. I worry he will knock his teeth out or knock himself senseless one of these days.
Sunday, July 13, 2003
TALK TO ME
Just saw a feature on Channel 5 about two people in New York and their Talk to Me campaign. They're trying to dispel the notion that New Yorkers are rude. Actually, I don't think New Yorkers are the rudest people in America -- the dumbest, rudest assholes I have dealt with are in the South. Southern hospitality is one of the biggest myths around, bigger than anything to do with Elvis, Jimmy Hoffa, Bigfoot, UFO's or anything like that. Every time I have to deal with some rude asswipe in Florida who's too busy to talk to me, I feel like asking "what are you on your way to -- a bullfight, a tractor pull or a bingo game?"
Just saw a feature on Channel 5 about two people in New York and their Talk to Me campaign. They're trying to dispel the notion that New Yorkers are rude. Actually, I don't think New Yorkers are the rudest people in America -- the dumbest, rudest assholes I have dealt with are in the South. Southern hospitality is one of the biggest myths around, bigger than anything to do with Elvis, Jimmy Hoffa, Bigfoot, UFO's or anything like that. Every time I have to deal with some rude asswipe in Florida who's too busy to talk to me, I feel like asking "what are you on your way to -- a bullfight, a tractor pull or a bingo game?"
CREATURE COMFORT
Dr. Peter Eeg offers these words of comfort: despite predictions otherwise, I will not end up as a funny old maid living alone with 40 cats. Instead, I will be living with 40 pigs.
Dr. Peter Eeg offers these words of comfort: despite predictions otherwise, I will not end up as a funny old maid living alone with 40 cats. Instead, I will be living with 40 pigs.
PRETTY IN PINK
I am wearing my pink Benetton shirt -- four people have told me pink is my color. Lately I have been wearing a lot of grey, blue and white, a throwback to my high school days. After my second nose job, I looked slightly cyanotic for quite a while, so blue and purple were out.
I am wearing my pink Benetton shirt -- four people have told me pink is my color. Lately I have been wearing a lot of grey, blue and white, a throwback to my high school days. After my second nose job, I looked slightly cyanotic for quite a while, so blue and purple were out.
Saturday, July 12, 2003
FROM A READER
THIS S--- IS JUST WEIRD!!!!!!!!! It makes Cassandra/Cheryl/Tashi look
commonplace! I had no idea!!! DAMN i feel so much better about myself....i am boringly normal!!! Do you get Brownie points for chewing it off??? Could be this is a new religion, worshiping the "Great White Whale" and his only creation, Captain Ahab..... Could be!! WEIRD..... F---ING WEIRD.. JUST WHEN YOU THINK YOU HAVE SEEN IT ALL!!!!!
THIS S--- IS JUST WEIRD!!!!!!!!! It makes Cassandra/Cheryl/Tashi look
commonplace! I had no idea!!! DAMN i feel so much better about myself....i am boringly normal!!! Do you get Brownie points for chewing it off??? Could be this is a new religion, worshiping the "Great White Whale" and his only creation, Captain Ahab..... Could be!! WEIRD..... F---ING WEIRD.. JUST WHEN YOU THINK YOU HAVE SEEN IT ALL!!!!!
Friday, July 11, 2003
SAD BUT TRUE
Ten signs she's not interested. Some of them are from the department of "Big Duh," but God, it still hurts.
janedoe@seductive.com
Ten signs she's not interested. Some of them are from the department of "Big Duh," but God, it still hurts.
janedoe@seductive.com
Thursday, July 10, 2003
IT WASN'T ME, IT WAS THE SNAKE
Hey, it's July and I am exhausted after driving both pigs to and from the vet's office in Purcellville. You are going to have to make do with this piece on flatulent snakes.
Hey, it's July and I am exhausted after driving both pigs to and from the vet's office in Purcellville. You are going to have to make do with this piece on flatulent snakes.
Wednesday, July 09, 2003
POWERBALL
The winning Powerball numbers are 19 - 21 - 26 - 31 - 51 and 40, the Powerball. I think I won nine dollars. There are reportedly two winners.
The winning Powerball numbers are 19 - 21 - 26 - 31 - 51 and 40, the Powerball. I think I won nine dollars. There are reportedly two winners.
LOS TRES AMIGOS Y MAS
A reader sends this re the Three Amigos:
"hmmm ... now if Cassandra is a lesbian, does that mean that Tashi
(who is a Bhuddist nun) is a Lesbian too because she sleeps with Cassandra? And is she kinky because she sleeps with a PAIR of lesbians, Cheryl and Cassandra, doesn't that make her a kinky, Bhuddist nun? A kinky, Lesbian, Bhuddist nun who associates with a known witch??? Or do they never speak to each other...I wonder does Tashi snub Cassandra...Has Tashi, a nun, ever slept with Carl/Al, or both of them?? Is she still a nun if she has??
Enquiring minds want to know!!
(damn, I wish I had never gotten started on this -- the possibilities are endless!!)"
A reader sends this re the Three Amigos:
"hmmm ... now if Cassandra is a lesbian, does that mean that Tashi
(who is a Bhuddist nun) is a Lesbian too because she sleeps with Cassandra? And is she kinky because she sleeps with a PAIR of lesbians, Cheryl and Cassandra, doesn't that make her a kinky, Bhuddist nun? A kinky, Lesbian, Bhuddist nun who associates with a known witch??? Or do they never speak to each other...I wonder does Tashi snub Cassandra...Has Tashi, a nun, ever slept with Carl/Al, or both of them?? Is she still a nun if she has??
Enquiring minds want to know!!
(damn, I wish I had never gotten started on this -- the possibilities are endless!!)"
Tuesday, July 08, 2003
THE VANILLAHEADS
Well, the pigs are successfully cohabitating. Actually, they've been doing that since Memorial Day weekend, but I have other things to write about. The first night together I didn't think I could keep them in the same room. Thunder kept trying to get out, poking his head through the chicken wire to the point I thought he'd hang himself and Lightning bit me several times. I read that if you put lavender oil or Vapor Rub on their noses, they will only smell that and not each other, and not fight. Suzanne at the shelter recommended vanilla extract for the same purpose. I had no lavender, and I find Vapor Rub revolting, so I opted for vanilla. Not being very domestic, all I could scare up was almond extract, which worked too well. The pigs would not stop licking it off my fingers, so I ended going to Rite Aid for vanilla. Of course they have earned the right to be called "vanillahead." After that, I went to Kramer's to meet Dallas for a couple glasses of wine. When I came back, I was in a much better mood. So were the pigs, but I didn't care at that point.
Since Thunder had HAD THEM REMOVED, I was told to wait for him to heal before actually putting them in the same cage. I don't think he realizes he doesn't have them anymore, and I don't think Lightning does, either, as he keeps sniffing Thunder's behind.
Well, the pigs are successfully cohabitating. Actually, they've been doing that since Memorial Day weekend, but I have other things to write about. The first night together I didn't think I could keep them in the same room. Thunder kept trying to get out, poking his head through the chicken wire to the point I thought he'd hang himself and Lightning bit me several times. I read that if you put lavender oil or Vapor Rub on their noses, they will only smell that and not each other, and not fight. Suzanne at the shelter recommended vanilla extract for the same purpose. I had no lavender, and I find Vapor Rub revolting, so I opted for vanilla. Not being very domestic, all I could scare up was almond extract, which worked too well. The pigs would not stop licking it off my fingers, so I ended going to Rite Aid for vanilla. Of course they have earned the right to be called "vanillahead." After that, I went to Kramer's to meet Dallas for a couple glasses of wine. When I came back, I was in a much better mood. So were the pigs, but I didn't care at that point.
Since Thunder had HAD THEM REMOVED, I was told to wait for him to heal before actually putting them in the same cage. I don't think he realizes he doesn't have them anymore, and I don't think Lightning does, either, as he keeps sniffing Thunder's behind.
Monday, July 07, 2003
SIMPLE SYNCHRONICITY
After working a 30-hour weekend, I found the Simple Abundance CD in the discard pile at Smooth Jazz. Haven't had time to listen to it yet.
After working a 30-hour weekend, I found the Simple Abundance CD in the discard pile at Smooth Jazz. Haven't had time to listen to it yet.
MULTIPLE MANIACS
My Great Uncle Andy was a schizophrenic. Evidently he went to church and school when he was a kid -- the symptoms didn't develop until he was an adult. My grandmother tells a story about how he used to say something which evidently was a regular laugh riot in Hungarian, but was lost in the translation. He lived with his parents until their deaths, and when the other siblings couldn't keep him, they put him into a home. He died a couple years ago at about age 90. People at the home told my grandmother he was always happy.
Here is a link for those of you who find multiple personalities normal and even intriguing. A couple years ago, Cassandra, Cheryl and Tashi made a movie. Well, actually Cheryl wrote the script and Tashi directed it, but Cassandra wanted no part of it. The movie never went anywhere.
My Great Uncle Andy was a schizophrenic. Evidently he went to church and school when he was a kid -- the symptoms didn't develop until he was an adult. My grandmother tells a story about how he used to say something which evidently was a regular laugh riot in Hungarian, but was lost in the translation. He lived with his parents until their deaths, and when the other siblings couldn't keep him, they put him into a home. He died a couple years ago at about age 90. People at the home told my grandmother he was always happy.
Here is a link for those of you who find multiple personalities normal and even intriguing. A couple years ago, Cassandra, Cheryl and Tashi made a movie. Well, actually Cheryl wrote the script and Tashi directed it, but Cassandra wanted no part of it. The movie never went anywhere.
Sunday, July 06, 2003
LAWN GUY LAND
"At four, Ruth was too young to ever remember Eddie or his penis with the greatest detail, but he would remember her. Thirty-six years later, when he was fifty-two and Ruth was forty, this ill-fated young man would fall in love with Ruth Cole. Yet not even then would he regret having fucked Ruth's mother. Alas, that would be Eddie's problem. This is Ruth's story...[Ted] couldn't help noticing that Marion seemed to find the photograph of Eddie O'Hare in his track uniform the most riveting. With the long, pink nail of her index finger, Marion was tracing the borders of Eddie's bare shoulders; it was an unconscious but intensely focused gesture. Ted had to wonder if he wasn't more aware of his wife's increasing obsession with boys who resembled Thomas or Timothy than poor Marion was. After all, she hadn't slept with one of them yet. Eddie would be the only one she would sleep with."
from A Widow for One Year by John Irving, copyright 1998
As one might surmise, I've been reading Woody Allen and John Irving most of the evening -- the Long Island references keep haunting me. I can't get away from thinking about them, no matter how hard I try. Kind of like the scene in the movie Cat People , in which Nastassia Kinski tries to take a train as far from New Orleans as she can, but can't escape what she is, even in her dreams. Or my first love, who literally traveled all seven continents for at least ten years, trying to escape that fact that he was (and still is) gay.
"At four, Ruth was too young to ever remember Eddie or his penis with the greatest detail, but he would remember her. Thirty-six years later, when he was fifty-two and Ruth was forty, this ill-fated young man would fall in love with Ruth Cole. Yet not even then would he regret having fucked Ruth's mother. Alas, that would be Eddie's problem. This is Ruth's story...[Ted] couldn't help noticing that Marion seemed to find the photograph of Eddie O'Hare in his track uniform the most riveting. With the long, pink nail of her index finger, Marion was tracing the borders of Eddie's bare shoulders; it was an unconscious but intensely focused gesture. Ted had to wonder if he wasn't more aware of his wife's increasing obsession with boys who resembled Thomas or Timothy than poor Marion was. After all, she hadn't slept with one of them yet. Eddie would be the only one she would sleep with."
from A Widow for One Year by John Irving, copyright 1998
As one might surmise, I've been reading Woody Allen and John Irving most of the evening -- the Long Island references keep haunting me. I can't get away from thinking about them, no matter how hard I try. Kind of like the scene in the movie Cat People , in which Nastassia Kinski tries to take a train as far from New Orleans as she can, but can't escape what she is, even in her dreams. Or my first love, who literally traveled all seven continents for at least ten years, trying to escape that fact that he was (and still is) gay.
B.O. AT XANDO
Went to Xando North on my way to work. It took forever to get waited on, the cashier didn't say "thank you" and got my order wrong. I complained to the manager, who had B.O. Is it asking too much to expect that management shower?
Went to Xando North on my way to work. It took forever to get waited on, the cashier didn't say "thank you" and got my order wrong. I complained to the manager, who had B.O. Is it asking too much to expect that management shower?
Also from Woody Allen:
"Fasting is a big mistake, particularly on an empty stomach. Man does not bring on his own unhappiness and suffering is really God's will, although why He gets such a big kick out of it is beyond me. Certain orthodox tribes believe suffering is the only way to redeem oneself, and scholars write of a cult called the Essenes, who deliberately went around bumping into walls."
"Why are our days numbered, and not, say, lettered?"
From "Getting Even," copyright 1966
"Fasting is a big mistake, particularly on an empty stomach. Man does not bring on his own unhappiness and suffering is really God's will, although why He gets such a big kick out of it is beyond me. Certain orthodox tribes believe suffering is the only way to redeem oneself, and scholars write of a cult called the Essenes, who deliberately went around bumping into walls."
"Why are our days numbered, and not, say, lettered?"
From "Getting Even," copyright 1966
NO NEWS IS NO NEWS
The news on the radio today has been so vapid -- vacation getaways, how to avoid food poisoning, glorified public service announcements on the dangers of overloading porch decks. Some of it has been so mind-numblingly dull, I have had to change stations, but then what do you expect -- it's a Sunday following a major holiday. It reminds me of the summer I took radio one and one of our assignments was to "find a news story and report on it." One kid asked "what do we do, find a fire?" My mom's comment was "you kids better pray something happens."
It reminds me of Woody Allen's quote about taking his obtuse window washer, Lars, to a pantomime, "one of the only spectator events outside of a fire that he could hope to understand."
The news on the radio today has been so vapid -- vacation getaways, how to avoid food poisoning, glorified public service announcements on the dangers of overloading porch decks. Some of it has been so mind-numblingly dull, I have had to change stations, but then what do you expect -- it's a Sunday following a major holiday. It reminds me of the summer I took radio one and one of our assignments was to "find a news story and report on it." One kid asked "what do we do, find a fire?" My mom's comment was "you kids better pray something happens."
It reminds me of Woody Allen's quote about taking his obtuse window washer, Lars, to a pantomime, "one of the only spectator events outside of a fire that he could hope to understand."
WOGBLOG
Yeah, that's what it's called, the Wog Blog. I didn't name it. Then again, the blogger refers to him/herself as "this Wog." OK. That's what makes this country great -- we can apply ethnic slurs to ourselves.
Yeah, that's what it's called, the Wog Blog. I didn't name it. Then again, the blogger refers to him/herself as "this Wog." OK. That's what makes this country great -- we can apply ethnic slurs to ourselves.
SARS CONTAINED
They say the SARS virus has been officially contained. I never worried about it that much, anyway, or about anthrax or monkey pox for that matter. I usually don't get Whatever's Going Around, when I get sick usually everyone else is healthy. Probably the only exception to that was meningitis.
They say the SARS virus has been officially contained. I never worried about it that much, anyway, or about anthrax or monkey pox for that matter. I usually don't get Whatever's Going Around, when I get sick usually everyone else is healthy. Probably the only exception to that was meningitis.
Saturday, July 05, 2003
GOOD NEWS/BAD NEWS
The good news is my ABC News pass has arrived. The bad news is, the picture on it is so ugly, I am ashamed to show it. I saw one article referring to such a badge as a "chick magnet." Not the case here -- this picture would not attract men or women.
The good news is my ABC News pass has arrived. The bad news is, the picture on it is so ugly, I am ashamed to show it. I saw one article referring to such a badge as a "chick magnet." Not the case here -- this picture would not attract men or women.
Friday, July 04, 2003
THERE WENT THE BRIDE
Good article in today's Post about the book There Goes the Bride by Rachel Safier. One of the bravest things a friend of mine ever did was call me the wedding was off (this was two weeks before the ceremony).
Good article in today's Post about the book There Goes the Bride by Rachel Safier. One of the bravest things a friend of mine ever did was call me the wedding was off (this was two weeks before the ceremony).
MAIL FROM THE THREE AMIGOS
So far the best responses to my e-mail from the three amigos (Cassandra/Cheryl/Tashi) are "zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz" and "what's Cheryl doing there? looking for converts? putting her penis on e-bay?" A third person finds this mildly interesting. I tell him I find this slightly abnormal.
So far the best responses to my e-mail from the three amigos (Cassandra/Cheryl/Tashi) are "zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz" and "what's Cheryl doing there? looking for converts? putting her penis on e-bay?" A third person finds this mildly interesting. I tell him I find this slightly abnormal.
IN HONOR OF OUR ARMED FORCES
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
US AIR FORCE OATH OF ENLISTMENT
"I, (State your name), swear to sign away 4 years of my life to the UNITED
STATES AIR FORCE because I know I couldn't hack it in the Army, because the
Marines frighten me, and because I am afraid of water over waist-deep. I
swear to sit behind a desk. I also swear not to do any form of real
exercise, but promise to defend our bike-riding test as a valid form of
exercise. I promise to walk around calling everyone by their first name
because I find it amusing to annoy the other services. I will have a
better quality of life than those around me and will, at all times, be sure
to make them aware of that fact.
After completion of "Basic Training", I will be a lean, mean, donut-eating,
Lazy-Boy sitting, civilian-wearing-blue-clothes, Chair-borne Ranger. I will
believe I am superior to all others and will make an effort to clean the
knife before stabbing the next person in the back. I will annoy those
around me, and will go home early every day. So Help Me God!"
Signature
Date
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
US ARMY OATH OF ENLISTMENT
"I, Rambo, swear to sign away 4 years of my mediocre life to the UNITED
STATES ARMY because I couldn't score high enough on the ASVAB to get into
the Air Force, I'm not tough enough for the Marines, and the Navy won't
take me because I can't swim. I will wear camouflage every day and tuck my
trousers into my boots because I can't figure out how to use blousing
straps. I promise to wear my uniform 24 hours a day even when I have a
date. I will continue to tell myself that I am a fierce killing machine
because my Drill Sergeant told me I am, despite the fact that the only
action I will see is a Court-Martial for sexual harassment. I acknowledge
the fact that I will make E-8 in my first year of service, and vow to
maintain that it is because I scored perfect on my PT test.
After completion of my Sexual.....er.....I mean "Basic Training," I will
attend a different Army school every other month and return knowing less
than I did when I left. On my first trip home after Boot Camp, I will walk
around like I am cool and propose to my 9th grade sweetheart. I will make
my wife stay home because if I let her out she might leave me for a better-
looking Air Force guy. Should she leave me twelve times, I will continue
to take her back. While at work, I will maintain a look of knowledge while
getting absolutely nothing accomplished. I will arrive to work every day at
1000 hrs because of morning PT and leave everyday at 1300 to report back to
"COMPANY." I understand that I will undergo no training whatsoever that
will help me get a job upon separation, and will end up working construction
with my friends from high school. I will brag to everyone about the Army
giving me $30,000 for college, but will be unable to use it because I can't
pass a placement exam. So Help Me God!"
Signature
Date
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
US NAVY OATH OF ENLISTMENT
"I, Top Gun, in lieu of going to prison, swear to sign away 4 years of my
life to the UNITED STATES NAVY, because I want to hang out with Marines
without actually having to BE one of them, because I thought the Air Force
was too "corporate," because I didn't want to actually live in dirt like
the Army, and because I thought, "Hey, I like to swim...why not?"
I promise to wear clothes that went out of style in 1976 and to have my
name stenciled on the butt of every pair of pants I own. I understand that
I will be mistaken for the Good Humor Man during summer, and for Nazi
Waffen SS during the winter. I will strive to use a different language
than the rest of the English-speaking world, using words like "deck,
bulkhead, cover, gee dunk, scuttlebutt, scuttle and head," when I really
mean "floor, wall, hat, candy, water fountain, hole in wall and toilet."
I will take great pride in the fact that all Navy acronyms, rank, and
insignia, and everything else for that matter, are completely different
from the other services and make absolutely no sense whatsoever. I will
muster, whatever that is, at 0700 every morning unless I am buddy-buddy with
the Chief, in which case I will show up around 0930. I vow to hone my
coffee cup-handling skills to the point that I can stand up in a kayak
being tossed around in a typhoon, and still not spill a drop.
I consent to being promoted and subsequently busted at least twice per
fiscal year. I realize that, once selected for Chief, I am required to
submit myself to the sick, and quite possibly illegal, whims of my newfound
"colleagues." So Help Me Neptune!"
Signature
Date
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
US MARINE CORPS OATH OF ENLISTMENT
"I, (make up a name the police won't recognize), swear..uhhhh....
high-and-tight.... grunt...cammies....kill....fix bayonets....charge....
slash....dig....burn....blowup....ugh...Air Force women....beer.....
sailor's wives.....air strikes....yes SIR!....whiskey....liberty call....
salute....Ooorah Gunny....grenades...women....OORAH!
So Help Me Chesty PULLER!"
X____________________ Thumb Print
XX _________________________________ Teeth Marks
XXX _________________________________Notary Public
Date
KEEP IN MIND -- FOR 227 YEARS THESE MEN AND WOMEN HAVE GONE TO WAR SO I CAN WRITE WHATEVER I WANT IN MY BLOG AND YOU CAN READ IT (AND PROTEST AGAINST IT) WITHOUT FEAR. HAPPY FOURTH OF JULY!
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
US AIR FORCE OATH OF ENLISTMENT
"I, (State your name), swear to sign away 4 years of my life to the UNITED
STATES AIR FORCE because I know I couldn't hack it in the Army, because the
Marines frighten me, and because I am afraid of water over waist-deep. I
swear to sit behind a desk. I also swear not to do any form of real
exercise, but promise to defend our bike-riding test as a valid form of
exercise. I promise to walk around calling everyone by their first name
because I find it amusing to annoy the other services. I will have a
better quality of life than those around me and will, at all times, be sure
to make them aware of that fact.
After completion of "Basic Training", I will be a lean, mean, donut-eating,
Lazy-Boy sitting, civilian-wearing-blue-clothes, Chair-borne Ranger. I will
believe I am superior to all others and will make an effort to clean the
knife before stabbing the next person in the back. I will annoy those
around me, and will go home early every day. So Help Me God!"
Signature
Date
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
US ARMY OATH OF ENLISTMENT
"I, Rambo, swear to sign away 4 years of my mediocre life to the UNITED
STATES ARMY because I couldn't score high enough on the ASVAB to get into
the Air Force, I'm not tough enough for the Marines, and the Navy won't
take me because I can't swim. I will wear camouflage every day and tuck my
trousers into my boots because I can't figure out how to use blousing
straps. I promise to wear my uniform 24 hours a day even when I have a
date. I will continue to tell myself that I am a fierce killing machine
because my Drill Sergeant told me I am, despite the fact that the only
action I will see is a Court-Martial for sexual harassment. I acknowledge
the fact that I will make E-8 in my first year of service, and vow to
maintain that it is because I scored perfect on my PT test.
After completion of my Sexual.....er.....I mean "Basic Training," I will
attend a different Army school every other month and return knowing less
than I did when I left. On my first trip home after Boot Camp, I will walk
around like I am cool and propose to my 9th grade sweetheart. I will make
my wife stay home because if I let her out she might leave me for a better-
looking Air Force guy. Should she leave me twelve times, I will continue
to take her back. While at work, I will maintain a look of knowledge while
getting absolutely nothing accomplished. I will arrive to work every day at
1000 hrs because of morning PT and leave everyday at 1300 to report back to
"COMPANY." I understand that I will undergo no training whatsoever that
will help me get a job upon separation, and will end up working construction
with my friends from high school. I will brag to everyone about the Army
giving me $30,000 for college, but will be unable to use it because I can't
pass a placement exam. So Help Me God!"
Signature
Date
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
US NAVY OATH OF ENLISTMENT
"I, Top Gun, in lieu of going to prison, swear to sign away 4 years of my
life to the UNITED STATES NAVY, because I want to hang out with Marines
without actually having to BE one of them, because I thought the Air Force
was too "corporate," because I didn't want to actually live in dirt like
the Army, and because I thought, "Hey, I like to swim...why not?"
I promise to wear clothes that went out of style in 1976 and to have my
name stenciled on the butt of every pair of pants I own. I understand that
I will be mistaken for the Good Humor Man during summer, and for Nazi
Waffen SS during the winter. I will strive to use a different language
than the rest of the English-speaking world, using words like "deck,
bulkhead, cover, gee dunk, scuttlebutt, scuttle and head," when I really
mean "floor, wall, hat, candy, water fountain, hole in wall and toilet."
I will take great pride in the fact that all Navy acronyms, rank, and
insignia, and everything else for that matter, are completely different
from the other services and make absolutely no sense whatsoever. I will
muster, whatever that is, at 0700 every morning unless I am buddy-buddy with
the Chief, in which case I will show up around 0930. I vow to hone my
coffee cup-handling skills to the point that I can stand up in a kayak
being tossed around in a typhoon, and still not spill a drop.
I consent to being promoted and subsequently busted at least twice per
fiscal year. I realize that, once selected for Chief, I am required to
submit myself to the sick, and quite possibly illegal, whims of my newfound
"colleagues." So Help Me Neptune!"
Signature
Date
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
US MARINE CORPS OATH OF ENLISTMENT
"I, (make up a name the police won't recognize), swear..uhhhh....
high-and-tight.... grunt...cammies....kill....fix bayonets....charge....
slash....dig....burn....blowup....ugh...Air Force women....beer.....
sailor's wives.....air strikes....yes SIR!....whiskey....liberty call....
salute....Ooorah Gunny....grenades...women....OORAH!
So Help Me Chesty PULLER!"
X____________________ Thumb Print
XX _________________________________ Teeth Marks
XXX _________________________________Notary Public
Date
KEEP IN MIND -- FOR 227 YEARS THESE MEN AND WOMEN HAVE GONE TO WAR SO I CAN WRITE WHATEVER I WANT IN MY BLOG AND YOU CAN READ IT (AND PROTEST AGAINST IT) WITHOUT FEAR. HAPPY FOURTH OF JULY!
WHAT WOULD JESUS SALUTE?
Found this Catholic Exchange article from Mark Shea, a convert to Catholicism, now more Catholic than the Pope. This is a break from his earlier Evangelicals-are-out-to-get-us articles.
janedoe@seductive.com
Found this Catholic Exchange article from Mark Shea, a convert to Catholicism, now more Catholic than the Pope. This is a break from his earlier Evangelicals-are-out-to-get-us articles.
janedoe@seductive.com
Thursday, July 03, 2003
DON'T LET'S GO TO THE DOGS TONIGHT
I am working on another project, so I won't be writing much today. Don't Let's Go to the Dogs Tonight by Alexandra Fuller makes excellent summer (or winter) reading.
Just got back from Fresh Fields. Their sausage display is lust-inspiring, and I thought I was over that. They have a special on soy yogurt. Of course they would -- it's disgusting. I wouldn't feed it to the pigs. No wonder it's on sale.
I am working on another project, so I won't be writing much today. Don't Let's Go to the Dogs Tonight by Alexandra Fuller makes excellent summer (or winter) reading.
Just got back from Fresh Fields. Their sausage display is lust-inspiring, and I thought I was over that. They have a special on soy yogurt. Of course they would -- it's disgusting. I wouldn't feed it to the pigs. No wonder it's on sale.
Wednesday, July 02, 2003
MAIL FROM CASSANDRA
Got an e-mail from Cassandra/Cheryl/Tashi/Carl/Al. He/she/it/they is/are living in a monastery in western New York.
Got an e-mail from Cassandra/Cheryl/Tashi/Carl/Al. He/she/it/they is/are living in a monastery in western New York.
CROWDED DOCTOR'S OFFICE
Saw the cardiologist today. I am getting my body overhauled before I ditch my health plan. He says anything I can stick to the insurance companies is ok with him. Whye does he have copies of epregnancy and Fit Pregnancy in his waiting room? None of us are there for that, and most of his patients aren't childbearing age anyway. One of the people in his waiting room smelled. There was a hoity-toity looking lady with really bad bunions sitting across from me. She should be seeing a podiatrist, too. Reminds me of this joke Shana sent me. She says it was sent by someone named "Steve."
A man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the
receptionist asked, "Yes sir, may we help you?"
"There's something wrong with my penis," he replied.
The receptionist became aggravated and said, "You shouldn't come into a
crowded office and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you." he said.
"Because" replies the receptionist. "You've obviously caused some
embarrassment in this room full of strangers. you should have said there is
something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further
with the doctor in private".
The man walked out, waited several minutes and reentered. The receptionist
smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"
"There's something wrong with my 'ear'," he stated.
The receptionist nodded approvingly. "And what is wrong with your ear,sir?"
"I can't pee out of it." the man replied.
Saw the cardiologist today. I am getting my body overhauled before I ditch my health plan. He says anything I can stick to the insurance companies is ok with him. Whye does he have copies of epregnancy and Fit Pregnancy in his waiting room? None of us are there for that, and most of his patients aren't childbearing age anyway. One of the people in his waiting room smelled. There was a hoity-toity looking lady with really bad bunions sitting across from me. She should be seeing a podiatrist, too. Reminds me of this joke Shana sent me. She says it was sent by someone named "Steve."
A man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the
receptionist asked, "Yes sir, may we help you?"
"There's something wrong with my penis," he replied.
The receptionist became aggravated and said, "You shouldn't come into a
crowded office and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you." he said.
"Because" replies the receptionist. "You've obviously caused some
embarrassment in this room full of strangers. you should have said there is
something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further
with the doctor in private".
The man walked out, waited several minutes and reentered. The receptionist
smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"
"There's something wrong with my 'ear'," he stated.
The receptionist nodded approvingly. "And what is wrong with your ear,sir?"
"I can't pee out of it." the man replied.
Tuesday, July 01, 2003
BUDDY HACKETT DEAD
Buddy Hackett is dead. Now I can prove he and Bob Stewart are not the same person. Katherine Hepburn died Sunday. who will be the third dead celeb?
janedoe@seductive.com
Buddy Hackett is dead. Now I can prove he and Bob Stewart are not the same person. Katherine Hepburn died Sunday. who will be the third dead celeb?
janedoe@seductive.com