PERFORMANCE EVALUATIONS

Germania sent these, too:

These are actual quotes taken from Federal Government employee
performance evaluations.


1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and
has started to dig."

2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."

3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a
definite won't be."

4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat

in a trap."

5. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change
feet."

6. "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."

7. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

8. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to
achieve them."

9. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

10. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the
better."

11. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all
together.."

12. "A gross ignoramus--144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

13. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."

14. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."

15. "He's been working with glue too much."

16. "He would argue with a signpost."

17. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

18. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

19. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other

one."

20. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

21. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."

22. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."

23. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't
coming."

24. "He's got two brains, one is lost and the other is out looking for

it."

25. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a
week."

26. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

27. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."

28. "Nice person, but about as sharp as a sack full of wet mice. "

29. "One neuron short of a synapse."

30. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."

31. "Takes him 2 hours to watch '60-minutes'."

32. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

THINKING OUTSIDE THE BOX

Shake it, Babe

IS A BEAR CATHOLIC?

Germania sent this:

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods.

What majestic trees!

What powerful rivers!

What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes
behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7 foot grizzly charge towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw
that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again, and
the bear was even closer.

He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw
the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising
his right paw to strike him. At that instant the Atheist cried out: "Oh my
God!..."

Time stopped.

The bear froze.

The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky:

"You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist,
and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you
out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me
to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could you
make the BEAR a Christian?"

"Very well," said the voice.

The light went out.

The sounds of the forest resumed.

Then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together and bowed
his head and spoke:

"Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty
through
Christ our Lord. Amen."

OVERSLEPT

Overslept, had to rush to work, but the extra hour of sleep did me good.

ANGRY YOUNG (OK, MIDDLE-AGED) SHOPPER

6:00 Michael's has an offer "60% off on any one non-sale item." They open their doors at 6 AM -- I am there 20 minutes early. When I get in, I find the item I want is a "sale" item, so I only get about 30% off.

7:00 AC Moore offers 50% off non-sale items all day. I do better there -- the doors open a couple minutes early, the people are friendly and I actually get 50% off.

7:00 Books A Million offers "20-44%" off for club members. The only books I want are 20%, not 44% off, and two of the three are only available in the "special edition," so I don't save that much anyway.

8:00 Borders does not open early, and the only "deal" they offer is "buy four books, get the fifth free." BFHD.

8:00 Yankee Candles only has one small table of "sale" items, nothing I want. At least Macy's validates my parking.

9:00 Jo Ann Fabrics doesn't even open early, and there is only one cashier, but at least I get a good deal on some gel wax.

10:00 Pearl Crafts doesn't open early on the busiest shopping day of the year, and offers "72% off on some items." The only two items I want are not marked down at all.

Come on, people. I worked all night. I was at Michael's 20 minutes before it opened. I nearly froze to death standing there. I drove around in the rain looking for a parking space and risked getting ticketed once I found one, and all you offer is discounts on "some items?" Consumers are angry. For almost three years, a lot of us have worked our asses off for very little and we have to buy four books to get a fifth one free? We want more than that. We want the 72% discount promised to us, and we want it gift-wrapped.


janedoe@seductive.com

W IN IRAQ

For those of you who've been living in a cave, President Bush has gone to and come back from Iraq. I remember the day before hearing some radio reporter giving the Bushes' Thanksgiving menu as a ruse, and thinking "how lame. Talk about a slow news day." Then after it was all over, Ann Compton talked about how everyone was surprised with the whole thing -- hardly anyone had been told. It reminds me of past "non-stories" or those which sounded so ridiculous I didn't believe them, then I kicked myself afterwards for missing them.

I AM THANKFUL FOR....

Okay, so this may sound self-centered and materialistic. Hey, it's my blog and it's what I'm thankful for.

1) Both my parents and my grandmother are alive and in reasonably good health.

2) I am reasonably healthy, even if I don't always feel good, I at least have the strength (willpower?) to drag myself from one job to another. Even though I am paying $309 per month out of pocket for health insurance, it allows me to go to any doctor or hospital I want to, and I can use it as a tax deduction.

3) I have enough food to eat, and don't have to rely on a food bank, even though I make the wrong choices and eat too much junk food/convenience food.

4) I have a roof over my head in a neighborhood a lot of people would kill to live in, and I pay an absurdly low amount to live there. Even though my condo looks awful now, someday I will get my act together.

5) Even though I have to work three jobs, I am working at one of the top ten stations in a top ten market. Some people would do my job for free.

6) My pigs.

7) Home equity lines of credit and 0% APR credit cards, which I ditch as soon as the APR goes up.

8) Technology which allows me to start my holiday shopping early without leaving my computer, get cash in the middle of the night on a holiday, put gas in my car without dealing with an attendant, refill my prescriptions, which improve my life, by phone, talk to relatives hundreds of miles away while I'm in my car and reheat the mashed potatoes in a plastic bowl within seconds.

HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS

Because I have three jobs and no money, I am home for the holidays, home being DC, as opposed to visiting relatives in Florida, Pennsylvania etc. Maybe this is not a bad thing. The friendly folks at Blockbuster have a rent-one-get-one-free deal, so I will spend part of the holiday weekend watching two Tobey Maguire films. I had dinner at Fuckhead's. I brought Fuckhead a ham, but this time I was not white enough to cook it.

EDDIE GALLAHER DEAD

Former WASH morning man Eddie Gallaher died today. He was 89.

THUNDER'S TASTE IN MUSIC

I am listening to the new Smooth Jazz CD and Michael McDonald comes out with his rendition of "Heard it through the Grapevine." Thunder makes his"brrr" sound, which means he's aroused, either positively or negatively. I can't tell which, or whether he likes Marvin Gaye or hates Michael McDonald.

OLD INJURY

My left ankle is hurting me tonight. It does that in cold weather or when my resistance is down. It happened first when I was in graduate school. I was skiing in Austria and wiped out, twisting my left ankle about 180 degrees with ski and boot still on it. I was wearing my boyfriend's friend's skis and my first thought when I opened my eyes was "oh, no, Babsi's skis."

FOUR WEEKS

It's been four weeks since the robbery. Just when I was starting to forget, I got my cell phone bill today, chronicalling the robbery: 911, Bethesda, Maryland, Sarasota, Florida, Binghamton, New York, Falls Church, Virginia. Then there was the one I didn't make -- Alexandria, Virginia. He says he wishes I had called him as I was standing there on the sidewalk, waiting for the cops to show up. I wish I had.

HILTON # 1 AGAIN

Paris Hilton is #1 of the Lycos 50 for last week. Don't people think of anything else?

STARS AND STRIPES

On a lighter note, the president pardoned the official White House turkey, "Stars," who will go live at a petting zoo in Virginia. To keep him company, W pardoned a second turkey, "Stripes." I guess turkeys, like pigs are sociable animals.

DEATH PENALTY RECOMMENDED

Jurors have recommended the death penalty for John Muhammad.

THE DOOR IN THE FLOOR

A Widow for One Year is being made into a movie, The Door in the Floor . I was depressed at the idea of Kim Basinger playing an "older woman," then I realized she's older than I am.

SUBPOENAED

I have been subpoenaed. The kid who robbed me goes to trial in February. Last night I got scared when a kid walked up to me at a gas station to ask for directions.

FORTUNE COOKIE

Yesterday I got a cookie which said "Your dream will come true." Judging by the dreams I've had lately, I'm not sure whether that's a good thing. Of course the cookie didn't say which dream. In the Greek mythology there was a guy who went to the Delphic Oracle and asked whether he should fight the Persians. The Oracle told him "If you fight the Persians, a mighty army will be destroyed." So he fought the Persians and his army was destroyed.

JFK STILL DEAD

President Kennedy died at this hour 40 years ago today. On that day my parents had ordered a drier from Sears -- the delivery guy had not heard about the shooting, and when my mom told him, he said, "I thought it would be Bobby." We took that drier with us to the new house in Falls Church and kept it through several presidential administrations. Mom tells me I was walking and saying words but not sentences. When I was a kid, I was sorry I didn't remember more, but now I'm not. It's what my old boss, Thom Taylor, called "the phenomenon known as aging." O'Brien actually thinks I'm younger than I am.

CRAFTY LADIES AUDITED

Michael Jackson has been arrested on child molestation charges. John Nevins, the bishop of Venice, is also being sued, simply for having been an official in the diocese (archdiocese?) of Miami during a similar scandal. It's too bad, he seems like a nice guy. As a result, every parish and parish organization in the diocese of Venice, including my parents' church, is being audited. There is a group of old ladies, the crafty ladies, who get together once a week and make arts and crafts to sell for the church. Mom is the treasurer -- from now on, the crafty ladies' checking account will have to have three names on it, including Bishop Nevins. I told Mom it's only fair, if the Bishop's name is on her checks, her name should be on the Bishop's checks.

ANOTHER BAD DREAM

Last night I dreamt I was robbed. This time the guy came into my home and took me to his home. He was so slow about it I was able to call the cops.

TOM BROKEJAW

"After that, I feel like calling Rush to see whether he has any pills left."

Tom Brokaw after being roasted at the National Press Club by Al Hunt, Maureen Dowd, Bob Schieffer and Tim Russert.

THE CRAZY MAN FROM CHINA

"My mother, she told me to open the door,
But I didn't want to.
I opened the door,
He fell on the floor,
the crazy man from China.

My mother, she told me to take off his hat,
but I didn't want to.
I took off his hat,
And out jumped a rat,
the crazy man from China.

My mother she told me to take off his coat,
but I didn't want to,
I took off his coat, and out jumped a goat,
the crazy man from China"

My mother she told me to get him a drink
but I didn't want to.
I got him a drink he fell in the sink,
the crazy man from China

My mother she told me to put him to bed,
but I didn't want to
I put him to bed, he stood on his head,
the crazy man from China.

My mother she told me to turn out the light,
but I didn't want to. I turned out the light,
he kissed me good night, the crazy man from China.

My mother she told me to take him to school,
but I didn't want to.
I took him to school, he act like a fool,
the crazy man from China"

Lest you think this is politically incorrect, this song was sung to me by the Cuban refugee girl up the street. She had a brother named Sergio who had a little red wagon. My mom said when I saw it I would say "Sergio wagon" and all three of us would get in for a ride. I don't remember saying that, but I recognize the picture. When Sergio came to our house, he liked to drink out of this big plastic insulated mug. We called it "the Sergio cup." We called it that even after Sergio moved to Falls Church. We kept it for years after that, even when we moved to Falls Church.

TOM BROKAW HONORED

Tom Brokaw is gonna be honored at the National Press Club tonight. Not sure whom I'm sitting with.

THREE WEEKS

It's been three weeks since the robbery. The other night I saw a guy roll past me on a wheelchair and my first thought was "he could grab my purse and roll away." Saturday morning I saw a white plastic bag fluttering in the trash can around the corner and it scared me. Then I heard a styrofoam cup rattling on the street behind me and it scared me.

Tammy asked me if I saw this guy on the street would I think he was the kind of guy who would rob me. No, he was wearing a down jacket, a baseball cap with the visor facing front and jeans that fit. He was not wearing a leather jacket, an 8-ball jacket or a sweatjacket with a hat over the hood. He was not wearing a gold medallion or a plastic rosary around his neck. I saw employees at the police station who were dressed more like gangstas than he was.

PARIS HILTON #1

Paris Hilton is #1 of the Lycos 50 Search.

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

1 Timothy 2:11-12

"Let the woman learn in silence with all subjection. But I suffer not a woman to teach, nor to usurp authority over the man, but to be in silence."

From Daily Inbox. Most of it is better than this.

JULIAN BARBER DEAD

A former Westwood Engineer's tribute to the late anchorman Julian Barber:

"With all probability, Uncle Julian held the record for carts used during an hourly
cast -- 21. It was on a weekend. The average length of each cut was no more than
5-7 second and most were segued or overlapped.

From '76 to whenever he left the Mutsch, one might find Julian staring out of the
12th floor newsroom windows. He would be looking across Route One to the apartments
on Eads Street (pre-Marriott construction). He would have his hands clasped behind
his back and would be slowly rocking back and forth on his feet.
Upon inquiring as to what he was looking, the response was always the same. "Do
you realize that, somewhere over in those apartment buildings, people are fucking?"

Uncle Julian, you had class and you are missed."

I wonder how they'll remember me when I'm dead?

JONESTOWN ANNIVERSARY

Today marks the 24th anniversary of the Jonestown massacre. It saddens me to think of one man, like Jim Jones, leading huge numbers of people astray or one man, like John Mohammed, leading one young person astray. Sister Marie Lawrence, who taught us Latin, told us a study of the classics would help us develop the discipline to avoid getting sucked into something like the People's Temple. This could explain some things.

When I was at Westwood for the 20th anniversary in 1999, I handed out packages of grape Kool-Aid. After the Heaven's Gate mass suicide, I handed out little Snack Packs of apple sauce. After one particularly disastrous evening, my engineer said "Jane, prepare my shroud. I'm going to make the Kool-Aid."

PUNK ROCK GIRL

One Saturday I took a walk to Zipperhead
I met a girl there
And she almost knocked me dead
Punk rock girl please look at me
Punk rock girl what do you see?
Let's travel round the world
Just you and me punk rock girl

I tapped her on the shoulder
And said do you have a beau?
She looked at me and smiled
And said she did not know
Punk rock girl give me a chance
Punk rock girl let's go slamdance
We'll dress like Minnie Pearl
Just you and me punk rock girl

We went to the Phillie Pizza Company
And ordered some hot tea
The waitress said "Well no
We only have it iced"
So we jumped up on the table
And shouted "anarchy"
And someone played a Beach Boys song
On the jukebox
It was "California Dreamin'"
So we started screamin'
"On such a winter's day"

She took me to her parents
For a Sunday meal
Her father took one look at me
And he began to squeal
Punk rock girl it makes no sense
Punk rock girl your dad is the Vice President
Rich as the Duke of Earl
Yeah you're for me punk rock girl

We went to a shopping mall
And laughed at all the shoppers
And security guards trailed us
To a record shop
We asked for Mojo Nixon
They said "He don't work here"
We said "If you don't got Mojo Nixon
Then your store could use some fixin'"

We got into a car
Away we started rollin'
I said "How much you pay for this?"
She said "Nothing man, it's stolen"
Punk rock girl you look so wild
Punk rock girl let's have a child
We'll name her Minnie Pearl
Just you and me
Eating fudge banana swirl
Just you and me
We'll travel round the world
Just you and me punk rock girl


Punk Rock Girl by the Dead Milkmen

MOHAMMED GUILTY

Jurors have found John Mohammed guilty.

A BIG DAY FOR O'CONNELL ALUMNI

Father Paul De Ladurantaye, who graduated a year after me, has an article on Catholic Exchange. Dr. Leonard Rice, who graduated in his class, was a guest on WMAL's Pet Talk yesterday.

A GOOD CAUSE

Click here to feed an animal in need.

BADASS MOOD

I am in a badass mood. The latest in a string of rotten things is my car died. This cheers me up:

"King and Queen of the Pelicans we;
No other Birds so grand we see!
None but we have feet like fins!
With lovely leathery throats and chins!
Ploffskin, Pluffskin, Pelican jee!
We think no Birds so happy as we!
Plumpskin, Ploshkin, Pelican jill!
We think so then, and we thought so still!

We live on the Nile. The Nile we love.
By night we sleep on the cliffs above;
By day we fish, and at eve we stand
On long bare islands of yellow sand.
And when the sun sinks slowly down
And the great rock walls grow dark and brown,
Where the purple river rolls fast and dim
And the Ivory Ibis starlike skim,
Wing to wing we dance around,--
Stamping our feet with a flumpy sound,--
Opening our mouths as Pelicans ought,
And this is the song we nighly snort;--
Ploffskin, Pluffskin, Pelican jee!
We think no Birds so happy as we!
Plumpskin, Ploshkin, Pelican jill!
We think so then, and we thought so still!

Last year came out our daughter, Dell;
And all the Birds received her well.
To do her honour, a feast we made
For every bird that can swim or wade.
Herons and Gulls, and Cormorants black,
Cranes, and flamingoes with scarlet back,
Plovers and Storks, and Geese in clouds,
Swans and Dilberry Ducks in crowds.
Thousands of Birds in wondrous flight!
They ate and drank and danced all night,
And echoing back from the rocks you heard
Multitude-echoes from Bird to bird,--
Ploffskin, Pluffskin, Pelican jee!
We think no Birds so happy as we!
Plumpskin, Ploshkin, Pelican jill!
We think so then, and we thought so still!

Yes, they came; and among the rest,
The King of the Cranes all grandly dressed.
Such a lovely tail! Its feathers float
between the ends of his blue dress-coat;
With pea-green trowsers all so neat,
And a delicate frill to hide his feet,--
(For though no one speaks of it, every one knows,
He has got no webs between his toes!)

As soon as he saw our Daughter Dell,
In violent love that Crane King fell,--
On seeing her waddling form so fair,
With a wreath of shrimps in her short white hair.
And before the end of the next long day,
Our Dell had given her heart away;
For the King of the Cranes had won that heart,
With a Crocodile's egg and a large fish-tart.
She vowed to marry the King of the Cranes,
Leaving the Nile for stranges plains;
And away they flew in a gathering crowd
Of endless birds in a lengthening cloud.
Ploffskin, Pluffskin, Pelican jee!
We think no Birds so happy as we!
Plumpskin, Ploshkin, Pelican jill!
We think so then, and we thought so still!

And far away in the twilight sky,
We heard them singing a lessening cry,--
Farther and farther till out of sight,
And we stood alone in thesilent night!
Often since, in the nights of June,
We sit on the sand and watch the moon;--
She has gone to the great Gromboolian plain,
And we probably never shall meet again!
Oft, in the long still nights of June,
We sit on the rocks and watch the moon;--
----She dwells by the streams of the Chankly Bore,
And we probably never shall see her more.
Ploffskin, Pluffskin, Pelican jee!
We think no Birds so happy as we!
Plumpskin, Ploshkin, Pelican jill!
We think so then, and we thought so still!"

The Pelican Chorus by Edward Lear


It reminds me of childhood and sunny places by the water. If I am still in a badass mood tomorrow, I will drive to the river once I get the car going again.

janedoe@seductive.com

NATIONAL PHILANTHROPY DAY

Today is National Philanthropy Day. Contributions to the Jane Hautanen Housing (Health Care, Transportation, Employment) Fund can be made at any Suntrust Bank.

DELUSIONS OF ADEQUACY

There is a station I am forced to deal with in Tennessee whose voicemail sez "due to the heavy overflow of phone traffic, your call is being re-routed." Whom do these hicks think they're kidding? Probably three people in the world listen to this station -- the station owner, his mother and some guy who bought advertising time there. I have never talked to a live person at that station in my life, nor do I bother leaving messages on their voicemail. Meanwhile stations like these want only "celebrity" guests -- they don't understand why we can't book President Bush, the Pope, Madonna or Britney Spears on their morning show. Conversely, there are guests from the National Paint and Coating Association who don't understand why we can't get them booked on morning drive on CNN or NPR. Really, the solution would be to tell them "no one wants to talk to either of you" and set them up together.

SWEET JANE

Standing on the corner
suitcase in my hand
Jack's in his corset, Jane is in her vest
me, honey, I'm in a rock 'n' roll band
Ridin' in a Stutz Bearcat, Jim
you know those were different times
All, all the poets they studied rules of verse
and those ladies they rolled their eyes

Sweet Jane
Sweet Jane
Sweet Jane

Jack, he is a banker
and Jane, she is a clerk
and Both of them save their money
when they come home from work
Sittin' down by the fire
radio does play, look classical music there, kids
"The March Of The Wooden Soldiers"
you can hear Jack say

Sweet Jane
Sweet Jane
Sweet Jane

Some people like to go out dancing
and other people like us, we gotta work
And there's even some evil mothers
they're gonna tell you that everything is just dirt
And you know that women never really faint
and that villains always blink their eyes
That children are the only ones who blush
and that life is just to die

Anyone who ever had a heart
and wouldn't turn around and break it
Anyone who ever played a part
and wouldn't turn around and hate it

Sweet Jane
Sweet Jane
Sweet Jane

Sweet Jane, Sweet Jane
Sweet Jane, oh honey, Sweet Jane
Sweet Jane, oh, Sweet Jane
Sweet Jane, Sweet Jane

Sweet Jane by Lou Reed

Heard this when I was waiting in line at Starbucks this morning. Made my day.

THEY KNOW WHERE I LIVE

Some kids, ostensibly from the public defender's office, came to my building, saying they wanted to talk about "the incident." I feel violated all over again.

PRINCE CHARLES # 1

Prince Charles is # 1 of this Week's Lycos 50. I was getting tired of Halloween.

BAD DREAM

Had a bad dream last night. A guy pulls a knife on me and tells me to give him my money. Then he tells me to drive him somewhere. I scream, but no one hears me, even though there are people walking past us.

TWO WEEKS

It's been two weeks since the robbery. When I was a kid, I read, "if you are attacked, fight dirty. Gouge his eyes with your thumbs and keys." I now keep my keys in my hand when I'm on the street. Today I was wearing the same dress I was two weeks ago. It had Lightning's hair on it when I was robbed. I figured if the guy had murdered me, the police report would have read, "the body was found in a red wool dress, covered with pig fur."

Jesus said "Love your enemies and pray for them." I pray this kid gets help, although I'm not sure whether he can be helped, and I pray he will stay the hell away from me, my property and my family and friends. On WAVA I heard a guy talking about grace and mercy. Grace is God's giving us what we don't deserve -- mercy is not giving us what we DO deserve. I wish I could be more merciful.

NOW AVAILABLE ON CD!

The new Smooth Jazz CD is now available at Borders. Proceeds benefit The Washington Jazz Institute. I am told my name is in the liner note. Be interesting to see if they spelled it right.

NEWFIE HUMOR

A Newfie walks into a psychiatrist's office with a chicken on his head. The chicken says "Doctor, you've gotta help me get this Newfie out from under my ass."

VETERAN'S DAY

Today is Veteran's Day, the day on which we honor those who survived wars, like my father. On Memorial Day we honor those who didn't, like my Great Uncle Louie. Thanks to that warmonger George W. Bush, we will have a whole new crop of veterans to offer.

I met one of my ex-boyfriends on November 10th. He was German. I told him the following day was an American holiday. I didn't bother telling him what it was -- I figured it was something the Germans definitely wouldn't celebrate.

ROMANY HUMOR

"If you put that yogurt up a pig's ass, it would fly away."

From Bury Me Standing by Isabel Fonseca. Personally, I don't normally give my pigs dairy products very often.

BURY ME STANDING

Reading Bury Me Standing: the Gypsies and their Journey by Isabel Fonseca. My late uncle used to say he was part Gypsy, and we thought he was bullshitting. Then about a year ago I realized how much one of his granddaughters looks like my psychic and how much some of the Gypsy kids in the city look like some of my cousins.

A HAPPY (?) COUPLE, THEIR UNHAPPY (?) FRIENDS

One of my high school buds wants to get together with me, his wife, and another couple. I asked all of them whether it bothers them that I will be the only one without a date. Probably people will think I'm with one of the guys, anyway. Who's gonna think, "gee, there's a married couple, two gay guys and an old maid." Never mind that one of the couples is also an interfaith, interracial couple, so really, there's something for somebody to object to all around.

CHRIS CASHEWS

One of the best spots on radio right now is for Jerry's Pizza. It's a take off on Hardball , with a guy called "Chris Cashews." I like it because I personally think Chris Matthews is an asshole and his wife's a moron. Probably Jerry's greatest accomplishment was in 1995 with Bill "I feel your pain" Clinton. "Jer Eye for the Straight Guy" was a close second. BTW, I hear Bravo is coming up with a new one, Straight Eye for the Queer Guy.

I HAD A DREAM

I dreamt I was offered a cheapo train ticket to California, but I missed my train at 7:00 AM, so I got onto a spaceship instead. The spaceship went about as fast as a train. This planet had oxygen on it, and could support human life. Many of the people living there were from the DC area and had DC, MD and VA tags, but drove much slower. There were many pigs who looked like Lightning living there. My parents were also living there. Mom left a bottle jewelry cleaner on the dining room table and I drank it. I yelled at her for not warning me.

PARENTS WITHOUT PARTNERS?

Been looking at men on the Internet. What is it with all these guys with little kids? Sometimes I get the feeling I'm looking at the Parents Without Partners website. Do they think these kids are "chick magnets?" If so, they are sadly mistaken. What bothers me more is the men I see with kids who aren't their own. That's really pathetic -- like some woman with "baby fever." Geez, if you're gonna pose with a kid, let it at least be your own..

Honestly, kids have only been an issue once. I never met the kids in question. For my first date with his dad, we had to postpone it because the kid had fallen off a roof. When I finally met Dad, Dad told me he had taken the kid out of high school because he was tired of the countless sessions with the guidance counselor. At this point, the kid was doing nothing even towards his GED, "but he's a really sweet boy. You'll have to meet him." I didn't. Of course, considering his parents, iit's no wonder. The kid's mother was a Wiccan who had foretold her own death. She was run over by a truck on the way to the Welfare office.

GOING CATHOLIC

Well, it seems none of the mainstream publishers contacted want to publish my book. I must have sent out at least 20 queries, so now I am going for the Catholic ones -- will probably try some more mainstream ones later.

E-mail me

GORETTI GORILLAS

Germania writes "didn't these Catholic Girls teach this pervert a lesson?

AMERICA'S MOST WANTED

Watched America's Most Wanted tonight. They showed a guy who killed at least two people. I can imagine how the first victim felt when the guy pressed the gun against his head, even though the guy who robbed me didn't really have a gun. They let this guy out on a 24-hour pass, and they never found him again. I worry this will happen with the kid who robbed me. On the way to work tonight, there was a huge number of cops on the street. Where were they when I needed them? There wasn't even a fucking metermaid out when I was robbed.

TOTAL ECLIPSE OF THE MOON

There was a total eclipse of the moon tonight. I may have seen part of it. Unless you have some really good equipment, most celestial events aren't what they are cracked up to be. Halley's Comet was one of the biggest disappointments. One of them which did live up to its hype was the Hale-Bopp Comet. I saw that over Connecticut Avenue. One Saturday night we drove to the Pennsylvania state line to look at it. It was awesome.

WHY CAN'T I?

Get a load of me, get a load of you
Walkin' down the street, and I hardly know you
It's just like we were meant to be

Holding hands with you, and we're out at night
Got a girlfriend, you say it isn't right
And I've got someone waiting too

This is, this is just the beginning
We're already wet, and we're gonna go swimming

Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you
Why can't I speak whenever I talk about you
It's inevitable, it's a fact that we're gonna get down to it
So tell me
Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you

Isn't this the best part of breakin' up
Finding someone else you can't get enough of
Someone who wants to be with you too

It's an itch we know we are gonna scratch
Gonna take a while for this egg to hatch
But wouldn't it be beautiful

Here we are, we're at the beginning
We haven't fucked yet, but heads spinning

Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you
Why can't I speak whenever I talk about you
It's inevitable, it's a fact that we're gonna get down to it
So tell me
Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you

I'd love for you to make me wonder
Where it's goin'
I'd love for you to pull me under
Somethin's growin'
for this that we can control
Baby I am dyin'

Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you
Why can't I speak whenever I talk about you

Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you
Why can't I speak whenever I talk about you
It's inevitable, it's a fact that we're gonna get down to it
So tell me
Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you

Why Can't I by Liz Phair

A guy I worked with at Standardnews was a fan of Liz Phair and couldn't say enough things about her, so I was disappointed when I actually heard her. I thought the melody to this song was irritating as hell, until paid attention to the lyrics. Yeah, I met a guy I was crazy about when I had a boyfriend, whom I had been dating for five years (and who strung me along for another year until I realized he wasn't gonna marry me). The guy I was attracted to had a girlfriend. Now I've known a guy for almost three years -- can't speak whenever I talk about him -- but it seems we're still in the beginning stage....

TALKED TO CHARLIE

I talked to Charlie Warren today. He was surprisingly upbeat and not bitter. He's a bigger man than I am.

DUPONT CURRENT

The November 5th Dupont Current has an article about the robbery. The article is on page 5 -- not 100% factually correct. Mercifully, they referred to me as "the female victim," and did not give my name, address, age or weight.

DEATH RIDES A PALE COW

For the last two nights I have drawn the death card. Although this does not necessarily mean physical death, Amber Jayanti's Tarot for Dummies says it can refer to a near-death experience. Even though the guy who held me up was unarmed, it felt like one. Surprisingly, my life did not flash before my eyes, nor was I filled with regret about not having said goodbye to anyone or having told them I loved them. Am I doing something wrong?

JANEY'S DAY IN COURT

Successfully fought a parking ticket today. I always feel better about myself after I see some of the other people in traffic court. About a month from now, I may be in another court, this time as a witness. In elementary school, one of my teachers said, "don't worry, Janey, someday you will have your day in court." Was this what she meant?

CHARLIE WARREN FIRED

WMAL fired Charlie Warren this morning. The card I drew for today was the Wheel of Fortune. Today's Bible Verse of the Day is Luke 12:24: "Consider the ravens: for they neither sow nor reap; which neither have storehouse or barn; and God feedeth them: how much are ye better than the fowls?"

ONE WEEK LATER

It's been one week since I was robbed, and I want to recount everything while it's still fresh in my mind. I left my building at about 10:45 AM on Tuesday October 28th. I heard a shout behind me at the corner of 20th Street and Belmont Road, "hey" or "huh" or something like that. The man then said "give me your money." I thought he was a homeless person, so I said "no." He asked a second time and I said "no, I'm not giving it to you." He kept on following me and said "Give me your money or I'll shoot you. I mean it." He had his hand under his jacket. I opened my purse and threw the contents onto the street. The man took the bills, but no change and no credit cards. He then headed in the direction of Kalorama Park. He was a young black man, looked to be in his 20's, over 5'8" tall (I am 5'7", but was wearing shoes with at least 1" heels at the time). He was light-skinned, thin build, wearing a two-tone baseball cap (white with darker stripes) and a bright blue or royal blue down jacket and jeans. He had a white t-shirt sticking out from under his jacket. He had dark eyes and the hair which was sticking out from under the bottom of his cap was short and curly. Yes, I thought he had a gun, yes, I thought he would shot me and yes, I feared for for my life.

QUALITY TIME

Tonight on the Core Show, referring to Baby Letterman, a caller mentioned "quality time" and Chris said he didn't believe in "quality time." When O'Brienrefers to "quality time," it is something one is required to do. "You get to spend quality time with David Burd" means "you will produce the David Burd Show." It doesn't mean Burd or the producer will enjoy it.

janedoe@seductive.com

HALLOWEEN # 1 AGAIN

Halloween was again # 1 of the Lycos 50. Don't people get tired of it?

QUOTE OF THE DAY:

"If you stuck a broomstick up your butt, you could sweep the floor at the same time."

UNSEASONABLY WARM

The weather has been unseasonably warm, as Charlie says, like "summer without the humidity." Unfortunately, I have spent a lot of the time in bed, too tired, depressed and scared to get out. I was even afraid to take the pigs outside, the way I normally would in this kind of weather--I was robbed a couple hundred feet from where I usually sit with them.

GAY BISHOP CONSECRATED

The Episcopal Church consecrated openly gay Bishop V. Gene Robinson today. There were death threats. How Christian. Robinson told CNN: " God has a way of bringing Easter out of all kinds of Good Fridays."

RABIES VACCINATION AND MICROCHIPPING CLINIC

The Animal Welfare League of Alexandria, from whence cometh my beloved Thunder, is sponsoring a rabies and microchipping clinic today. The vet asked whether I wanted Lightning microchipped, but I figured as he can't fly and seldom leaves the building without me, it would be pointless.

janedoe@seductive.com

ALL SAINTS' DAY

The day of the dead, and it feels like it. I didn't go to mass, but I did pray for the souls in purgatory. All day long I've felt angry, sad, scared, tired etc. I put on the 10:00 and 10:30 news and I hear about a family held hostage in Montgomery County, robberies in Prince George's County, kids shooting each other in the District and Mayor Washington being buried. Even though the guy who robbed me is behind bars, I still live in fear. I jump at shadows, I wonder whether everybody coming at me has a gun. The other day I was looking at the broomstick in the corner, and thinking of how I would have LOVED to beat the hell out of him with it. He was caught with a bottle of cognac on him. There are a number of liquor stores, groceries, delis etc in that area -- it sickens me to think maybe it was one of my neighbors, whom I've patronized for years, who may have sold it to him. There is an article in the Philadelphia Daily News and on the wires about how the girls from St Maria Goretti High School took matters into their own hands and ganged up on a flasher. No wonder they call them "the Goretti Gorillas." Still, I don't blame them. One of my friends called the other day and said "what are you doing to attract these guys-- do you have 'victim' stamped on your forehead" When I told him today that wasn't very supportive, he answered "I thought it was kind of funny."