THE MASTURBATING MACHINE
Am reading John Irving's "A Widow for One Year." One of the main characters is a younger man who masturbates over the picture of an older woman. Maybe there's hope for me.
Monday, June 30, 2003
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MOM!
Today is my mother's birthday. She was born in Pennsylvania, where my grandmother still lives. My grandmother's name is Mary Vereb Bartha. Her mother was Bertha Kozma, nee Simon. My mother tells me the story about how when my great-grandmother came to America by ship, there was a whale or a shark bumping the boat. We're not sure whether it was in the Mediterranean or the Atlantic. She came to America looking for her boyfriend, Andrew Kozma, who had said he would send for her, but he never did. She found him living in a boarding house as the star boarder, but she married him anyway and they had five children. One son was killed in World War II, one is a convicted felon, one was an alcoholic and the other was a schizophrenic. The other was my grandmother. When I told mom the women in our family haven't made the best choices when it comes to men, she wasn't too happy. Dad probably didn't like hearing it, either.
Today is my mother's birthday. She was born in Pennsylvania, where my grandmother still lives. My grandmother's name is Mary Vereb Bartha. Her mother was Bertha Kozma, nee Simon. My mother tells me the story about how when my great-grandmother came to America by ship, there was a whale or a shark bumping the boat. We're not sure whether it was in the Mediterranean or the Atlantic. She came to America looking for her boyfriend, Andrew Kozma, who had said he would send for her, but he never did. She found him living in a boarding house as the star boarder, but she married him anyway and they had five children. One son was killed in World War II, one is a convicted felon, one was an alcoholic and the other was a schizophrenic. The other was my grandmother. When I told mom the women in our family haven't made the best choices when it comes to men, she wasn't too happy. Dad probably didn't like hearing it, either.
Sunday, June 29, 2003
ANOTHER BRIDE, ANOTHER JUNE (NOT!)
"Another bride, another June,
Another sunny honeymoon,
Another season, another reason,
For makin' whoopee" Fats Waller
Well, another June is about to be gone, and with it another chance at being a June bride. The closest I ever got to a proposal is "if you marry me, I promise you my father won't call you 'shiksa.'" The same guy told me "you people are crazy and your leader's a Polack." One of the Mensa guys says a Jew who doesn't call his gentile daughter-in-law "shiksa" is not such a bad thing, but the other Mensans say "look what he ended up with."
"Another bride, another June,
Another sunny honeymoon,
Another season, another reason,
For makin' whoopee" Fats Waller
Well, another June is about to be gone, and with it another chance at being a June bride. The closest I ever got to a proposal is "if you marry me, I promise you my father won't call you 'shiksa.'" The same guy told me "you people are crazy and your leader's a Polack." One of the Mensa guys says a Jew who doesn't call his gentile daughter-in-law "shiksa" is not such a bad thing, but the other Mensans say "look what he ended up with."
JIFFY LUBE
Both Mix 107 and Smooth Jazz are running what I find to be a really insulting Jiffy Lube spot, in which an older woman comes on to a Jiffy Lube guy. As an older woman who lusts after younger men, I find this insulting. It implies older women are dumb, ignorant, helpless and lacking in the social graces. Plus, why would she come on to the Jiffy Lube guy, of all people? The guy probably makes 15 thousand dollars a year, lives in his parents' basement, and has no idea how to keep a woman happy in bed.
Both Mix 107 and Smooth Jazz are running what I find to be a really insulting Jiffy Lube spot, in which an older woman comes on to a Jiffy Lube guy. As an older woman who lusts after younger men, I find this insulting. It implies older women are dumb, ignorant, helpless and lacking in the social graces. Plus, why would she come on to the Jiffy Lube guy, of all people? The guy probably makes 15 thousand dollars a year, lives in his parents' basement, and has no idea how to keep a woman happy in bed.
RESPONSE TO "PLUGAWAY"
after reading your latest entry, my goal is to find and date:a large-breasted woman, in radio,who may or may not have had a sex change operation (and if they have it is so good you can't tell), and has great legs, a nice ass, is younger, and drinks, has female drinking buddies who have nice asses, and great legs have had sex change operations and lust after older radio guys and their dates and love to get stinking drunk AND naked AND disply their "operation" (assuming they have had one)and compare them.
It may help if they have one or two or more personalities, as we are well aware THAT is what make one really successful. And the more personalities , the more happiness. If you have three personalities, and all three are happy it stands to reason you have more happiness in your life than the common person. It only makes sense!!!
janedoe@seductive.com
after reading your latest entry, my goal is to find and date:a large-breasted woman, in radio,who may or may not have had a sex change operation (and if they have it is so good you can't tell), and has great legs, a nice ass, is younger, and drinks, has female drinking buddies who have nice asses, and great legs have had sex change operations and lust after older radio guys and their dates and love to get stinking drunk AND naked AND disply their "operation" (assuming they have had one)and compare them.
It may help if they have one or two or more personalities, as we are well aware THAT is what make one really successful. And the more personalities , the more happiness. If you have three personalities, and all three are happy it stands to reason you have more happiness in your life than the common person. It only makes sense!!!
janedoe@seductive.com
CHILDREN OF THE REVOLUTION
Well, not really the revolution. Spent the last couple days going through e-mails from my High School classmates. This was one of the posts -- My ex sent me the same thing.
A CATHOLIC DICTIONARY
AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.
BULLETIN: 1. Parish information, read only during the
homily. 2. Catholic air conditioning. 3. Your receipt for
attending Mass.
CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of
the congregation to lip-sync.
HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.
HYMN: A song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves
higher than that of the congregation's range.
RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass, often sung a little
more quietly, since most of the people have already left.
INCENSE: Holy Smoke!
JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to
found colleges with good basketball teams.
JONAH: The original "Jaws" story.
JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.
KYRIE ELEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can
recognize besides gyros and baklava.
MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.
MANGER: 1. Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph
wasn't covered by an HMO. 2. The Bible's way of showing us
that holiday travel has always been rough.
PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic
Churches.
PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of
Mass, consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late
parishioners looking for seats.
RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of
Mass -led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the
parking lot.
RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they
actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.
TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given
by David Letterman.
USHERS: The only people in the parish who don't know the
seating capacity of a pew.
My girlfriend Susan in Florida sent me this:
YOU WERE A LITTLE GIRL IN THE 70'S IF.....
* you wore that rainbow shirt that was 3/4-sleeves, and the rainbow
went up one sleeve, across your chest, and down the other.
* you made baby chocolate cakes in your Easy Bake Oven. You washed them down with snow cones from your Snoopy Snow Cone Machine.
* you had that Fisher Price Doctor's Kit with a stethoscope that
actually worked.
* you owned a bicycle with a banana seat and a basket.
* you even owned roller skates with metal wheels.
* you thought Gopher from Love Boat was cute.(Admit it!)
* you had nightmares after watching Fantasy Island.
* you had rubber boots for rainy/snowy days - remember Moon Boots (you then advanced to Duck Shoes in the 80s)?
* you had either a "bowl cut" or a "pixie", not to mention the "Dorothy
Hamill" because your mom was sick of braiding your hair. How traumatic
when people thought you were a boy.
* your Holly Hobbie sleeping bag was your most prized possession.
* you wore a poncho, gauchos, and knickers.
* you begged Santa for the electronic game, Simon.
* you had the Donnie and Marie dolls with those pink and purple shredded
outfits.
* you remember 8 track tapes
* you spent hours out back on your metal swing set with the trapeze.
* you had homemade ribbon barrettes in every imaginable color.
* you even had a pair of Doctor Scholl's sandals (the ones with hard
sole & the buckle).
* you wanted to be Laura Ingalls Wilder really bad; you wore that Little
House on the Prairie-inspired plaid, ruffle shirt with the high neck in at
least one school picture; and you despised Nellie Olson!
* you wanted your first kiss to be at the roller rink.
* your hairstyle was described as having "wings" and you kept it"pretty"
with the comb you kept in your back pocket.
* you know who Strawberry Shortcake is, as well as her friends,
Blueberry Muffin and Huckleberry Pie.
* you carried a Muppets lunch box to school.
* you and your girlfriends would fight over which of the Dukes of
Hazzard was your boyfriend.
* every now and then "It's A Hard Knock Life" from the movie,"Annie"
will pop into your brain and you can't stop singing it the whole day.
* YOU had Star Wars action figures, too.
* it was a big event in your household each year when the"Wizard of Oz"
would come on TV. Your mom would break out the popcorn and sleeping bags!
* you even asked your Magic-8 Ball the question: "Who will I marry ...Shawn Cassidy, Leif Garrett, or Rick Springfield?"
* you completely wore out your Grease, Saturday Night Fever, and Fame
soundtrack albums.
* you tried to do lots of arts and crafts things, like yarn and Popsicle
stick God's Eyes, and what about those weird loop potholders made on a plastic loom.
* you made Shrinky-Dinks!
* you used to tape record songs off the radio by holding your portable
tape recorder up to the speaker.
* you couldn't wait to get the free animal poster that came when you
ordered books from the Weekly Reader book club.
* you learned everything you needed to know about girl issues from Judy
Blume books (Are you there God? It's me, Margaret.)
* you thought Olivia Newton John's song, "Physical" was about aerobics.
* you wore friendship pins on your tennis shoes, or shoelaces with heart
or rainbow designs.
* you wanted to be a Solid Gold dancer.
* you had a Big Wheel with a brake on the side, and a Sit-n-Spin.
* you had subscriptions to Dynamite and Tiger Beat.
Pass this along to all of the other 30-something girls you know! It
will make them smile too.
Ironically, I now work with Gopher.
Well, not really the revolution. Spent the last couple days going through e-mails from my High School classmates. This was one of the posts -- My ex sent me the same thing.
A CATHOLIC DICTIONARY
AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.
BULLETIN: 1. Parish information, read only during the
homily. 2. Catholic air conditioning. 3. Your receipt for
attending Mass.
CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of
the congregation to lip-sync.
HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.
HYMN: A song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves
higher than that of the congregation's range.
RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass, often sung a little
more quietly, since most of the people have already left.
INCENSE: Holy Smoke!
JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to
found colleges with good basketball teams.
JONAH: The original "Jaws" story.
JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.
KYRIE ELEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can
recognize besides gyros and baklava.
MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.
MANGER: 1. Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph
wasn't covered by an HMO. 2. The Bible's way of showing us
that holiday travel has always been rough.
PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic
Churches.
PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of
Mass, consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late
parishioners looking for seats.
RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of
Mass -led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the
parking lot.
RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they
actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.
TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given
by David Letterman.
USHERS: The only people in the parish who don't know the
seating capacity of a pew.
My girlfriend Susan in Florida sent me this:
YOU WERE A LITTLE GIRL IN THE 70'S IF.....
* you wore that rainbow shirt that was 3/4-sleeves, and the rainbow
went up one sleeve, across your chest, and down the other.
* you made baby chocolate cakes in your Easy Bake Oven. You washed them down with snow cones from your Snoopy Snow Cone Machine.
* you had that Fisher Price Doctor's Kit with a stethoscope that
actually worked.
* you owned a bicycle with a banana seat and a basket.
* you even owned roller skates with metal wheels.
* you thought Gopher from Love Boat was cute.(Admit it!)
* you had nightmares after watching Fantasy Island.
* you had rubber boots for rainy/snowy days - remember Moon Boots (you then advanced to Duck Shoes in the 80s)?
* you had either a "bowl cut" or a "pixie", not to mention the "Dorothy
Hamill" because your mom was sick of braiding your hair. How traumatic
when people thought you were a boy.
* your Holly Hobbie sleeping bag was your most prized possession.
* you wore a poncho, gauchos, and knickers.
* you begged Santa for the electronic game, Simon.
* you had the Donnie and Marie dolls with those pink and purple shredded
outfits.
* you remember 8 track tapes
* you spent hours out back on your metal swing set with the trapeze.
* you had homemade ribbon barrettes in every imaginable color.
* you even had a pair of Doctor Scholl's sandals (the ones with hard
sole & the buckle).
* you wanted to be Laura Ingalls Wilder really bad; you wore that Little
House on the Prairie-inspired plaid, ruffle shirt with the high neck in at
least one school picture; and you despised Nellie Olson!
* you wanted your first kiss to be at the roller rink.
* your hairstyle was described as having "wings" and you kept it"pretty"
with the comb you kept in your back pocket.
* you know who Strawberry Shortcake is, as well as her friends,
Blueberry Muffin and Huckleberry Pie.
* you carried a Muppets lunch box to school.
* you and your girlfriends would fight over which of the Dukes of
Hazzard was your boyfriend.
* every now and then "It's A Hard Knock Life" from the movie,"Annie"
will pop into your brain and you can't stop singing it the whole day.
* YOU had Star Wars action figures, too.
* it was a big event in your household each year when the"Wizard of Oz"
would come on TV. Your mom would break out the popcorn and sleeping bags!
* you even asked your Magic-8 Ball the question: "Who will I marry ...Shawn Cassidy, Leif Garrett, or Rick Springfield?"
* you completely wore out your Grease, Saturday Night Fever, and Fame
soundtrack albums.
* you tried to do lots of arts and crafts things, like yarn and Popsicle
stick God's Eyes, and what about those weird loop potholders made on a plastic loom.
* you made Shrinky-Dinks!
* you used to tape record songs off the radio by holding your portable
tape recorder up to the speaker.
* you couldn't wait to get the free animal poster that came when you
ordered books from the Weekly Reader book club.
* you learned everything you needed to know about girl issues from Judy
Blume books (Are you there God? It's me, Margaret.)
* you thought Olivia Newton John's song, "Physical" was about aerobics.
* you wore friendship pins on your tennis shoes, or shoelaces with heart
or rainbow designs.
* you wanted to be a Solid Gold dancer.
* you had a Big Wheel with a brake on the side, and a Sit-n-Spin.
* you had subscriptions to Dynamite and Tiger Beat.
Pass this along to all of the other 30-something girls you know! It
will make them smile too.
Ironically, I now work with Gopher.
Saturday, June 28, 2003
PLUGAWAY
Got an e-mail from my old boss. I told him since I've been plugging his site, so often, will he plug mine if he does anything on websites, , blogs, , women in radio, women with large breasts, sex change operations, women with great legs, women with nice asses, older women who lust after younger men, women who date their co-workers' fathers' drinking buddies, women who lust after their friends' drinking buddies' co-workers, and women who date men who look like Mini Me.
Got an e-mail from my old boss. I told him since I've been plugging his site, so often, will he plug mine if he does anything on websites, , blogs, , women in radio, women with large breasts, sex change operations, women with great legs, women with nice asses, older women who lust after younger men, women who date their co-workers' fathers' drinking buddies, women who lust after their friends' drinking buddies' co-workers, and women who date men who look like Mini Me.
BAD TRANSVESTITE
I am wearing a Genesee Beer T-shirt and getting a lot of attention. Years ago I wore it to a Libertarian Party demonstration in Delaware and I was the best-dressed there.
Last night I saw a really bad transvestite at 7-11. He/she/it was wearing a yellow and green woman's suit, matching sox, white saddle shoes and rhinestone earrings. S/him made Cassandra look like the cover of Vogue.
To add insult to injury, he/she/it tried to push in front of me in line. I forget what s/him was buying.
I am wearing a Genesee Beer T-shirt and getting a lot of attention. Years ago I wore it to a Libertarian Party demonstration in Delaware and I was the best-dressed there.
Last night I saw a really bad transvestite at 7-11. He/she/it was wearing a yellow and green woman's suit, matching sox, white saddle shoes and rhinestone earrings. S/him made Cassandra look like the cover of Vogue.
To add insult to injury, he/she/it tried to push in front of me in line. I forget what s/him was buying.
Friday, June 27, 2003
DO NOT CALL
Betty tells me this is the url for the New Do Not Call List. Have not tried it out myself. My mom's technique for dealing with telemarketers is to say "hold on a minute," put the phone down, and walk away. Most of these firms are sweatshops. This will run up their phone bill and cause the individual telemarketer to lose sales.
One of my techniques is to ask for the caller's supervisor, ream the supervisor a new asshole and write down his/her name, phone number and the date. If the company calls again, tell them "I spoke with Suzy on June 27th and she assured me I would be taken off the list. Why are you still calling me. Then ask for someone else and ream him/her a new asshole.
Another trick is to be very nice to the caller. Pretend you're really interested in what he/she is selling. Drag out the call as long as you can, and as soon as he/she asks "may I sign you up?" say "no," then give him/her holy hell. You will have got this person's hopes up and taken up valuable time, keeping him/her from reaching his/her quota, or at least slowing the person down.
Also, when you join a club, open a bank or credit card account, or subscribe to a magazine, don't give your home number unless absolutely necessary. This has greatly helped cut down on the number of sales calls I receive.
Betty tells me this is the url for the New Do Not Call List. Have not tried it out myself. My mom's technique for dealing with telemarketers is to say "hold on a minute," put the phone down, and walk away. Most of these firms are sweatshops. This will run up their phone bill and cause the individual telemarketer to lose sales.
One of my techniques is to ask for the caller's supervisor, ream the supervisor a new asshole and write down his/her name, phone number and the date. If the company calls again, tell them "I spoke with Suzy on June 27th and she assured me I would be taken off the list. Why are you still calling me. Then ask for someone else and ream him/her a new asshole.
Another trick is to be very nice to the caller. Pretend you're really interested in what he/she is selling. Drag out the call as long as you can, and as soon as he/she asks "may I sign you up?" say "no," then give him/her holy hell. You will have got this person's hopes up and taken up valuable time, keeping him/her from reaching his/her quota, or at least slowing the person down.
Also, when you join a club, open a bank or credit card account, or subscribe to a magazine, don't give your home number unless absolutely necessary. This has greatly helped cut down on the number of sales calls I receive.
SODOM AND GOMORRAH
Lambda Rising on Connecticut Avenue is celebrating the Supreme Court decision overturning the Texas sodomy ban. Haven't asked any of my sodomite (Sodomist?) friends how they feel about this.
One Saturday evening I went to mass just before a Mensa pool party. Interestingly enough, the first reading was on Sodom and Gomorrah.
Lambda Rising on Connecticut Avenue is celebrating the Supreme Court decision overturning the Texas sodomy ban. Haven't asked any of my sodomite (Sodomist?) friends how they feel about this.
One Saturday evening I went to mass just before a Mensa pool party. Interestingly enough, the first reading was on Sodom and Gomorrah.
Thursday, June 26, 2003
WE HAD BOTH SOBERED UP BY THE TIME THE BABY ARRIVED
Had an appointment with the gynecologist today. I regret to say it was only for health reasons, not birth control. There was one embarrassed-looking guy by himself in the waiting room. I wanted to ask him "is it your baby?" but that would have been too cruel.
Years ago one of the Mensa women had a baby on my housemate'sbirthday. The housemate and I had started drinking around midnight and the baby was born about 19 hours later. When I told people "We had both sobered up by the time the baby had arrived," people took the quote out of context, thinking it was a child conceived in an extremely drunken state. And it wasn't even my baby!
Had an appointment with the gynecologist today. I regret to say it was only for health reasons, not birth control. There was one embarrassed-looking guy by himself in the waiting room. I wanted to ask him "is it your baby?" but that would have been too cruel.
Years ago one of the Mensa women had a baby on my housemate'sbirthday. The housemate and I had started drinking around midnight and the baby was born about 19 hours later. When I told people "We had both sobered up by the time the baby had arrived," people took the quote out of context, thinking it was a child conceived in an extremely drunken state. And it wasn't even my baby!
Wednesday, June 25, 2003
SEABISCUIT
Just saw a spot for Adult Attention Deficit Disorder. NPR's Morning Edition ran a feature on depression among immigrants. One of the guys interviewed told an interpreter how hard it was to be depressed and not have the resources to get help in an English-speaking world. At first I wanted to know why he didn't bother to learn English and get help, but I have an idea how hard it is to do anything if you're really depressed. Later the man said he was enrolled in an English class.
Sunday's Post ran an inspiring feature on Laura Hillenbrand, the woman who wrote the book Seabiscuit, and her battle with chronic fatigue syndrome. I don't have chronic fatigue syndrome, I'm just tired all the time. And I lust after Tobey Maguire.
Just saw a spot for Adult Attention Deficit Disorder. NPR's Morning Edition ran a feature on depression among immigrants. One of the guys interviewed told an interpreter how hard it was to be depressed and not have the resources to get help in an English-speaking world. At first I wanted to know why he didn't bother to learn English and get help, but I have an idea how hard it is to do anything if you're really depressed. Later the man said he was enrolled in an English class.
Sunday's Post ran an inspiring feature on Laura Hillenbrand, the woman who wrote the book Seabiscuit, and her battle with chronic fatigue syndrome. I don't have chronic fatigue syndrome, I'm just tired all the time. And I lust after Tobey Maguire.
THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE
Saw Citibank spot showing an old lady meowing with her cat and the font "the best things in life aren't taxable." Thunder growled along with it. Don't know whether he liked it, disliked it, or was just anxious for me to fill his water bottle.
Saw Citibank spot showing an old lady meowing with her cat and the font "the best things in life aren't taxable." Thunder growled along with it. Don't know whether he liked it, disliked it, or was just anxious for me to fill his water bottle.
SUNRISE 5:43 AM
The sun was up at 5:43 this morning. As we have not had much sun, period, and it was shining directly into my face, I woke up at about 6:00. Dave Murray from WMAL says he can't imagine anyone who works as many hours as I do having trouble sleeping. I stood outside with my face in the sun this afternoon, almost not caring whether I blinded myself. I have seen cats with their heads stuck in lampshades to get warm. They look like furry lamps. I worry that they will burn their retinas out, but this has not happened so far.
Yesterday was the feast of St. John, from whence cometh the name of the wort. This day is a big deal in Northern Europe and Quebec, mainly because the sun shines almost all day there and they have such dark, miserable winters. When I was 17 my parents dragged me to a St. John's Day party in Montgomery County when would rather have gone to the Tom Petty concert at Merriweather Post Pavilion. Mom's reasoning was no one else wanted to go with me and she didn't want me alone among those "unsavory types." At this particular party I was the only sober one there, the hostess was a pornographer and there was at least one alternative lifestyle couple polka-ing together. And mom thought they were less wholesome than the people at the Tom Petty concert?
The sun was up at 5:43 this morning. As we have not had much sun, period, and it was shining directly into my face, I woke up at about 6:00. Dave Murray from WMAL says he can't imagine anyone who works as many hours as I do having trouble sleeping. I stood outside with my face in the sun this afternoon, almost not caring whether I blinded myself. I have seen cats with their heads stuck in lampshades to get warm. They look like furry lamps. I worry that they will burn their retinas out, but this has not happened so far.
Yesterday was the feast of St. John, from whence cometh the name of the wort. This day is a big deal in Northern Europe and Quebec, mainly because the sun shines almost all day there and they have such dark, miserable winters. When I was 17 my parents dragged me to a St. John's Day party in Montgomery County when would rather have gone to the Tom Petty concert at Merriweather Post Pavilion. Mom's reasoning was no one else wanted to go with me and she didn't want me alone among those "unsavory types." At this particular party I was the only sober one there, the hostess was a pornographer and there was at least one alternative lifestyle couple polka-ing together. And mom thought they were less wholesome than the people at the Tom Petty concert?
FUNNY STORY
Aunt Ellen thought all the while I was writing about potbellied pigs. Those things get to be about 300 lbs. Larry says at that point they are hogs, not pigs. Also, I'm not sure whether you can even keep them in the District. Betty tells me they're very intelligent. This bothers me -- do they know we're gonna eat them? What also bothers me is that chickens outnumber human beings 100 to one in Delaware. Is there a possibility of their taking over? And what about all those chicken wings? What happens to the rest of the chicken? Inquiring minds want to know.
Aunt Ellen thought all the while I was writing about potbellied pigs. Those things get to be about 300 lbs. Larry says at that point they are hogs, not pigs. Also, I'm not sure whether you can even keep them in the District. Betty tells me they're very intelligent. This bothers me -- do they know we're gonna eat them? What also bothers me is that chickens outnumber human beings 100 to one in Delaware. Is there a possibility of their taking over? And what about all those chicken wings? What happens to the rest of the chicken? Inquiring minds want to know.
CINGULAR SUCKS!
My doctor's office called at 8:00 AM to change my appointment because the doctor is delivering a baby. The nerve of some people! Another unpleasant surprise -- I called my Cingular number to check my messages and my greeting turned out to be a guy using four-letter words. Cingular has no explanation for it, but changed back to the generic greeting. I think I'm gonna change it to "Hi, this is Jane. Sorry the people at Cingular are assholes, but if you leave your name, number and a brief message after the beep, I'll get back to you."
My parents' phone has not been working recently. I felt like Carrie White -- I couldn't get through on three different phones. Then I heard one of their obnoxious neighbors was trying to call them but couldn't. I felt like asking "are you sure you want to hear from her?" but I kept my mouth shut.
My doctor's office called at 8:00 AM to change my appointment because the doctor is delivering a baby. The nerve of some people! Another unpleasant surprise -- I called my Cingular number to check my messages and my greeting turned out to be a guy using four-letter words. Cingular has no explanation for it, but changed back to the generic greeting. I think I'm gonna change it to "Hi, this is Jane. Sorry the people at Cingular are assholes, but if you leave your name, number and a brief message after the beep, I'll get back to you."
My parents' phone has not been working recently. I felt like Carrie White -- I couldn't get through on three different phones. Then I heard one of their obnoxious neighbors was trying to call them but couldn't. I felt like asking "are you sure you want to hear from her?" but I kept my mouth shut.
Tuesday, June 24, 2003
ONE OF MY FAVORITE PRAYERS
Got a laminated holy card from Mom today, to replace the one that was stolen in March. It has one of my favorite prayers on it:
My soul doth magnify the Lord. And my spirit hath rejoiced in God my Savior. Because He hath regarded the humility of His handmaid; for behold from henceforth all generations shall call me blessed. Because He that is mighty, hath done great things to me; and holy is His Name. And His mercy is from generation unto generation, to them that fear Him.
I used to say "Loudell hath done great things for me and holy is his name," just to freak him out. This did not usually result in head-banging, just caused Loudell to say "biblical Mensan" and make his "nyah" sound. Sorry, I do not have that on file.
It is kind of like the sound Curly made. We used to swear the reason WILM had mice was because they mistook Loudell's "nyah" sound for a mating call. Neither of my pigs, even Thunder, who is a miniature symphony of sounds, has been able to duplicate that sound, although I swear I have heard Lightning quack like a duck.
Got a laminated holy card from Mom today, to replace the one that was stolen in March. It has one of my favorite prayers on it:
My soul doth magnify the Lord. And my spirit hath rejoiced in God my Savior. Because He hath regarded the humility of His handmaid; for behold from henceforth all generations shall call me blessed. Because He that is mighty, hath done great things to me; and holy is His Name. And His mercy is from generation unto generation, to them that fear Him.
I used to say "Loudell hath done great things for me and holy is his name," just to freak him out. This did not usually result in head-banging, just caused Loudell to say "biblical Mensan" and make his "nyah" sound. Sorry, I do not have that on file.
It is kind of like the sound Curly made. We used to swear the reason WILM had mice was because they mistook Loudell's "nyah" sound for a mating call. Neither of my pigs, even Thunder, who is a miniature symphony of sounds, has been able to duplicate that sound, although I swear I have heard Lightning quack like a duck.
ROCK AND ROLL
Just saw the Cadillac spot with Led Zeppelin's Rock and Roll as bed. Robert Plant still inspires my animal lust...
Just saw the Cadillac spot with Led Zeppelin's Rock and Roll as bed. Robert Plant still inspires my animal lust...
BAD DICTIONARY
The Hungarian dictionary mom gave me for Christmas contains the words for "peninsula" and "penknife," but not "penis." Joe Balintfy says it's because the dictionary was printed in 1972 during the communist regime, and the communists wouldn't let people put that into a dictionary. Under communism, people didn't worry unemployment -- you worked until you were eligible for retirement or disability. You were more likely to be fired for putting the word "penis" into a dictionary. Joe gave me a good link. His first question was "are you going to look up dirty words?" Yeah, I did Joe. Mom should demand her money back.
It's 82 degrees in Washington, relative humidity is 37%. If only all summer nights could be like this.
The Hungarian dictionary mom gave me for Christmas contains the words for "peninsula" and "penknife," but not "penis." Joe Balintfy says it's because the dictionary was printed in 1972 during the communist regime, and the communists wouldn't let people put that into a dictionary. Under communism, people didn't worry unemployment -- you worked until you were eligible for retirement or disability. You were more likely to be fired for putting the word "penis" into a dictionary. Joe gave me a good link. His first question was "are you going to look up dirty words?" Yeah, I did Joe. Mom should demand her money back.
It's 82 degrees in Washington, relative humidity is 37%. If only all summer nights could be like this.
I KISSED A GIRL (BUT I STILL PREFER BOYS)
Genny came over and told me about Fred
He's such a hairy behemoth she said
And dumb as a box of hammers
But he's such a handsome guy
And I opened up and told her about Larry
And yesterday how he asked me to marry
And I'm not giving him an answer yet
I think I could do better
So we laughed, compared notes
We had a drink, we had a smoke
She took off her overcoat
I kissed a girl
So she called home to say she'd be late
He said he worried but now he feels safe
"I'm glad you're with your girlfriend
Tell her 'hi' for me"
So I looked at you, you had guilt in your eyes
But it only lasted a little while
And then I felt your hand upon my knee
And we laughed at the world
They can have their diamonds
And we'll have our pearls
I kissed a girl
I kissed a girl, her lips were sweet
She was just like kissing me
I kissed a girl, won't change the world
But I'm so glad
I kissed a girl
And we laughed at the world
They can have their diamonds
And we'll have our pearls
I kissed a girl
"I Kissed a Girl" by Jill Sobule from her album Jill Sobule
This was Linda's theme song.
Genny came over and told me about Fred
He's such a hairy behemoth she said
And dumb as a box of hammers
But he's such a handsome guy
And I opened up and told her about Larry
And yesterday how he asked me to marry
And I'm not giving him an answer yet
I think I could do better
So we laughed, compared notes
We had a drink, we had a smoke
She took off her overcoat
I kissed a girl
So she called home to say she'd be late
He said he worried but now he feels safe
"I'm glad you're with your girlfriend
Tell her 'hi' for me"
So I looked at you, you had guilt in your eyes
But it only lasted a little while
And then I felt your hand upon my knee
And we laughed at the world
They can have their diamonds
And we'll have our pearls
I kissed a girl
I kissed a girl, her lips were sweet
She was just like kissing me
I kissed a girl, won't change the world
But I'm so glad
I kissed a girl
And we laughed at the world
They can have their diamonds
And we'll have our pearls
I kissed a girl
"I Kissed a Girl" by Jill Sobule from her album Jill Sobule
This was Linda's theme song.
NICE JEWISH BOYS (AND GIRLS)
Another popup ad for a Jewish dating service over my blog. One of the Mensa guys, who is Jewish himself, thought "NJB" stood for "New Jewish Boyfriend." As opposed to "Old Jewish Boyfriend?"
Another popup ad for a Jewish dating service over my blog. One of the Mensa guys, who is Jewish himself, thought "NJB" stood for "New Jewish Boyfriend." As opposed to "Old Jewish Boyfriend?"
Monday, June 23, 2003
COME FEEL THE BETTER ABOUT YOUR OWN STATE!
I thought that would be the Florida state motto ("It's not the heat, it's the stupidity") but it's the Missisissippi motto
Alabama: Yes, we have electricity
Alaska: We also take American money
Arizona: But It's a Dry Heat
Arkansas: Litterasy Ain't Everthing
California: As Seen on TV
Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character
Delaware: We Really Do Like the Chemicals in our Water
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids
Georgia: We Put the "Fun" in Fundamentalist Extremism
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)
Idaho: Potatoes and NeoNazi's ... What More Could You Ask For?
Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"
Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas: Where Science Don't Mean Shit
Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana: We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our
Tourism Campaign
Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland: A Thinking Man's Delaware
Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)
Michigan: First Line of Defense From the Canadians
Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes and 10,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes
Mississippi: Come Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work
Montana: Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, and Very Little else
Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada: Whores and Poker!
New Hampshire: Go Away and Leave Us Alone
New Jersey: You want a ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!
New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets
New York: You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney...
North Carolina: Tobacco is a Vegetable
North Dakota: We Really are One of the 50 States!
Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan
Oklahoma: Like the Play, only No Singing
Oregon: Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina: Remember the Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender
South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee: The Educashun State
Texas: Si' Hablo Ingles (Yes, I speak English)
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont: Yep
Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds and Slackers!
Washington, D.C.: Our New Mayor Does't Smoke Crack
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family-Really!
Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese With Us!
Wyoming: Where men are men and sheep are scared!
I thought that would be the Florida state motto ("It's not the heat, it's the stupidity") but it's the Missisissippi motto
Alabama: Yes, we have electricity
Alaska: We also take American money
Arizona: But It's a Dry Heat
Arkansas: Litterasy Ain't Everthing
California: As Seen on TV
Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character
Delaware: We Really Do Like the Chemicals in our Water
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids
Georgia: We Put the "Fun" in Fundamentalist Extremism
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)
Idaho: Potatoes and NeoNazi's ... What More Could You Ask For?
Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"
Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas: Where Science Don't Mean Shit
Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana: We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our
Tourism Campaign
Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland: A Thinking Man's Delaware
Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)
Michigan: First Line of Defense From the Canadians
Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes and 10,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes
Mississippi: Come Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work
Montana: Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, and Very Little else
Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada: Whores and Poker!
New Hampshire: Go Away and Leave Us Alone
New Jersey: You want a ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!
New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets
New York: You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney...
North Carolina: Tobacco is a Vegetable
North Dakota: We Really are One of the 50 States!
Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan
Oklahoma: Like the Play, only No Singing
Oregon: Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina: Remember the Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender
South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee: The Educashun State
Texas: Si' Hablo Ingles (Yes, I speak English)
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont: Yep
Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds and Slackers!
Washington, D.C.: Our New Mayor Does't Smoke Crack
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family-Really!
Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese With Us!
Wyoming: Where men are men and sheep are scared!
MY OLD JOB
There is an article in the Baltimore Sun about my old station. I owe part of what Iam today (overweight, unmarried, broke, lacking in self-esteem) to them. What goes around comes around. I used to be able to make Alan Loudell bang his head against a wall -- now I deal with morons who make me bang my head against the wall.
There is an article in the Baltimore Sun about my old station. I owe part of what Iam today (overweight, unmarried, broke, lacking in self-esteem) to them. What goes around comes around. I used to be able to make Alan Loudell bang his head against a wall -- now I deal with morons who make me bang my head against the wall.
MORE GREAT TITLES TAKEN!
Three more great titles taken: http://uggabugga.blogspot.com , soupcubes.org and The Ramblings of a Retard.
Three more great titles taken: http://uggabugga.blogspot.com , soupcubes.org and The Ramblings of a Retard.
JUST ADD PIGS!
Aunt Ellen, who doesn't have a website, says she enjoys reading about my pigs. I found a pig website which tells you how to build your own cage. Part of the instructions say "add bedding and pigs." What a concept!
Poor Lighting. People keep remarking on his size, even though he is just slightly larger than average, and the largest on record is about twice as big as he is. One night I was holding a pig on my lap while I was on the phone with my dad. Dad said "I hope he doesn't poop on you." You have to know Dad to appreciate this.
Aunt Ellen, who doesn't have a website, says she enjoys reading about my pigs. I found a pig website which tells you how to build your own cage. Part of the instructions say "add bedding and pigs." What a concept!
Poor Lighting. People keep remarking on his size, even though he is just slightly larger than average, and the largest on record is about twice as big as he is. One night I was holding a pig on my lap while I was on the phone with my dad. Dad said "I hope he doesn't poop on you." You have to know Dad to appreciate this.
HARRY POTTER AND THE DOUBLE MAKER'S MARK
In honor of the latest "Harry Potter" offering, Kramer's is offering three drinks, "Potter's Potion," "Order-a-Phoenix" and "Harry's Hard 1." I misread the menu: it said "Cafe chili with cheese and black beans." At first glance I thought it said "black bears." Right now there are guys with horns on Dupont Circle. No, they do not have horns on their heads, they are blowing them. Earlier I saw a bunch of people at a bus stop, all looking in the same direction. It looked like a low-budget version of Close Encounters of the Third Kind.
In honor of the latest "Harry Potter" offering, Kramer's is offering three drinks, "Potter's Potion," "Order-a-Phoenix" and "Harry's Hard 1." I misread the menu: it said "Cafe chili with cheese and black beans." At first glance I thought it said "black bears." Right now there are guys with horns on Dupont Circle. No, they do not have horns on their heads, they are blowing them. Earlier I saw a bunch of people at a bus stop, all looking in the same direction. It looked like a low-budget version of Close Encounters of the Third Kind.
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF...
Seen on a greeting card "you might be a redneck if you take your dog for a walk and you both pee behind the same tree. " There are some people in the city who urinate on the street and are not rednecks -- if you call them on it, they say it's part of their culture. In one of the buildings where I work, women stand or squat over toilet seats, leaving them wet for the next person. One of them says "'we don't sit on toilet seats.'" "We" could at least flush the toilet and clean up after "our"selves.
Seen on a greeting card "you might be a redneck if you take your dog for a walk and you both pee behind the same tree. " There are some people in the city who urinate on the street and are not rednecks -- if you call them on it, they say it's part of their culture. In one of the buildings where I work, women stand or squat over toilet seats, leaving them wet for the next person. One of them says "'we don't sit on toilet seats.'" "We" could at least flush the toilet and clean up after "our"selves.
Sunday, June 22, 2003
HAIKUS FROM GAINESVILLE
My ex sent me these. Actually, the title was "Haikus from Nashville," but to me it might as well be Gainesville.
BEAUTY
Naked in repose
Silvery silhouette girls
Adorn my mudflaps.
REMORSE
A painful sadness
Cain't fit big screen TV through
Double-wide's front door
OPTIONS
Unemployment's out.
Hey, mebbe I can git on
Disability
MOTHER AND CHILD
Crusted in boogers,
Baby has Kool-Aid-stained face
Only Mama loves
BLAZE
Distant siren screams
Dumb-ass Verne's been mowing with
Gasoline again
A NEW MOON
Flashlights pierce darkness
No nightcrawlers to be found
Guess we'll gig some frogs
EXUBERANCE
Playful, trailer park girl
Rolls joyously in puddle
Of old motor oil
ALONE
Seeking solitude
Carl's ex-wife Tammy files fer
Restraining order
DESIRE
Damn, in that tube-top
Yew make me almost fergit
That yer my cousin
HATRED
I curse the rainbow
Emblazoned upon his hood
Goddamn Jeff Gordon
OFFERINGS
We're hungry tonight:
Grandma sent the food money
To Angely again.
DRAMA
Set the VCR
Dukes of Hazzard Marathon
Starts at 9 O'Clock
DEPRIVED
In WalMart toy aisle
Wailing boy wants rasslin' doll
Mama whups his ass
NO SIGNAL
White noise, static buzz;
Call Earl: the satellite dish
needs new descrambler
IMPOUNDED
Sixty-five dollars
And cyclone fence keeps me from
My El Camino
GATHERING
In early morning mist
Mama's off to Circle K:
Red Man and Moon Pies.
PRIDE
Grinning, he displays
The nine hundred beer cans that
Fill his pickup bed
My ex sent me these. Actually, the title was "Haikus from Nashville," but to me it might as well be Gainesville.
BEAUTY
Naked in repose
Silvery silhouette girls
Adorn my mudflaps.
REMORSE
A painful sadness
Cain't fit big screen TV through
Double-wide's front door
OPTIONS
Unemployment's out.
Hey, mebbe I can git on
Disability
MOTHER AND CHILD
Crusted in boogers,
Baby has Kool-Aid-stained face
Only Mama loves
BLAZE
Distant siren screams
Dumb-ass Verne's been mowing with
Gasoline again
A NEW MOON
Flashlights pierce darkness
No nightcrawlers to be found
Guess we'll gig some frogs
EXUBERANCE
Playful, trailer park girl
Rolls joyously in puddle
Of old motor oil
ALONE
Seeking solitude
Carl's ex-wife Tammy files fer
Restraining order
DESIRE
Damn, in that tube-top
Yew make me almost fergit
That yer my cousin
HATRED
I curse the rainbow
Emblazoned upon his hood
Goddamn Jeff Gordon
OFFERINGS
We're hungry tonight:
Grandma sent the food money
To Angely again.
DRAMA
Set the VCR
Dukes of Hazzard Marathon
Starts at 9 O'Clock
DEPRIVED
In WalMart toy aisle
Wailing boy wants rasslin' doll
Mama whups his ass
NO SIGNAL
White noise, static buzz;
Call Earl: the satellite dish
needs new descrambler
IMPOUNDED
Sixty-five dollars
And cyclone fence keeps me from
My El Camino
GATHERING
In early morning mist
Mama's off to Circle K:
Red Man and Moon Pies.
PRIDE
Grinning, he displays
The nine hundred beer cans that
Fill his pickup bed
ON BEING CREATIVE
Since childhood I have been told I was "creative." Not beautiful, talented, sexy or funny, but "creative." I was supposed to write the class play, not star in it, I was supposed to decorate the homecoming float, not ride on it in the parade. One of the Mensa guys referred to himself as "one of the gnomes in the back room, not one of the mannequins in the store window." That's what I'm supposed to be, one of the gnomes, and gnomes are not attractive people. I have been told by photographers, agents, etc I don't have what it takes to be a mannequin -- I am overweight, my eyes are too deep-set, my jaw is the wrong shape. If you don't believe me, click here.
In their book Birth Order and You, Ronald and Lois Richardson write about the danger of assigning roles to children -- the smart one, the pretty one, the good one, the funny one. etc. Hell, my parents managed to do that to me and I'm an only child.
Since childhood I have been told I was "creative." Not beautiful, talented, sexy or funny, but "creative." I was supposed to write the class play, not star in it, I was supposed to decorate the homecoming float, not ride on it in the parade. One of the Mensa guys referred to himself as "one of the gnomes in the back room, not one of the mannequins in the store window." That's what I'm supposed to be, one of the gnomes, and gnomes are not attractive people. I have been told by photographers, agents, etc I don't have what it takes to be a mannequin -- I am overweight, my eyes are too deep-set, my jaw is the wrong shape. If you don't believe me, click here.
In their book Birth Order and You, Ronald and Lois Richardson write about the danger of assigning roles to children -- the smart one, the pretty one, the good one, the funny one. etc. Hell, my parents managed to do that to me and I'm an only child.
WHY I WRITE
Because, as the Belgian surrealist Rene Magritte said, "one has to do something. Also, I can't do anything else. Ever since I was in elementary school, people have been (mostly) complimenting my writing. I didn't understand it -- didn't think there was anything special about it, until I saw stuff that was really bad. It's kind of like Lois Duncan's book A Gift of Magic. One of the characters has a natural gift of music. His sister does not -- she asks him how he can just know what to play. His answer is "how can you not?" Unfortunately, when I took a job at the now-defunct Standardnews, I found myself write eight hours a day, five days a week and nothing else. Then everything I did was put under the microscope, which was my writing, so criticism of my writing became even harder to take. All I could think was "writing is all I can do, and I can't even do that right. Professor Hank Connor at the University of Florida told us two things people are most sensitive about are their writing and their on-air delivery. Actually, I'm more sensitive about my on-air delivery, because fewer people tell me I'm good at that.
Because, as the Belgian surrealist Rene Magritte said, "one has to do something. Also, I can't do anything else. Ever since I was in elementary school, people have been (mostly) complimenting my writing. I didn't understand it -- didn't think there was anything special about it, until I saw stuff that was really bad. It's kind of like Lois Duncan's book A Gift of Magic. One of the characters has a natural gift of music. His sister does not -- she asks him how he can just know what to play. His answer is "how can you not?" Unfortunately, when I took a job at the now-defunct Standardnews, I found myself write eight hours a day, five days a week and nothing else. Then everything I did was put under the microscope, which was my writing, so criticism of my writing became even harder to take. All I could think was "writing is all I can do, and I can't even do that right. Professor Hank Connor at the University of Florida told us two things people are most sensitive about are their writing and their on-air delivery. Actually, I'm more sensitive about my on-air delivery, because fewer people tell me I'm good at that.
COULD I BE ANY SICKER?
Sprint PCS has been running the spot with the blond teenage twins wrestling over a cell phone. As Chandler said on Friends "Is it wrong that I was totally aroused by that?" Of course, I used to get a big kick out of the ESPN promo with Kerri Strugg being handed from staff member to staff member and I also liked the scene in the Madness of King George III in which the king carries around his youngest daughter like an object...
janedoe@seductive.com
Sprint PCS has been running the spot with the blond teenage twins wrestling over a cell phone. As Chandler said on Friends "Is it wrong that I was totally aroused by that?" Of course, I used to get a big kick out of the ESPN promo with Kerri Strugg being handed from staff member to staff member and I also liked the scene in the Madness of King George III in which the king carries around his youngest daughter like an object...
janedoe@seductive.com
BOYS DO CRY
Today at Fresh Fields I saw a rather unattractive woman wearing a T-shirt stating "I make boys cry." I wanted to ask her "are you a dentist? Or a tax auditor?" Reminds me of years ago when I saw an equally attractive young woman wearing a shirt saying "too late, I'm taken." I felt like saying "I don't think many guys are mourning this, honey." Of course I could be wrong -- maybe the first little lardo is really good in bed. I realize I have no room to talk -- the most sex I've experienced this weekend was watching the pigs sniff each others' hind ends.
Today at Fresh Fields I saw a rather unattractive woman wearing a T-shirt stating "I make boys cry." I wanted to ask her "are you a dentist? Or a tax auditor?" Reminds me of years ago when I saw an equally attractive young woman wearing a shirt saying "too late, I'm taken." I felt like saying "I don't think many guys are mourning this, honey." Of course I could be wrong -- maybe the first little lardo is really good in bed. I realize I have no room to talk -- the most sex I've experienced this weekend was watching the pigs sniff each others' hind ends.
ANOTHER GOOD WEBSITE
Here is another good website. When I was born my parents had a cat named Torqui, short for Torquemada, based on my father's obsession with the Spanish Inquisition. Mom swears the cat was schizophrenic. She and my dad had to take him to the pound because they were afraid to have him in the house with a baby. Adults were also refusing to visit them because of him.
Here is another good website. When I was born my parents had a cat named Torqui, short for Torquemada, based on my father's obsession with the Spanish Inquisition. Mom swears the cat was schizophrenic. She and my dad had to take him to the pound because they were afraid to have him in the house with a baby. Adults were also refusing to visit them because of him.
MUZIC, MUZIC, MUZIC
Found a good Russian Music Website. One of the few things my ex and I agreed on was that if we got married, we could have the Arrival of the Queen of Sheba from Handel's Solomon as our processional.
I have made my own lyrics about the men I date to the tune of the the Spin Doctors' Two Princes:
"This one's older than your father, this one still lives with his mother, this one never went to college, this one lacks the basic knowledge..."
Remember the video? One of the reasons I never watch MTV anymore is because it's mostly "TV" and very little "M."
Found a good Russian Music Website. One of the few things my ex and I agreed on was that if we got married, we could have the Arrival of the Queen of Sheba from Handel's Solomon as our processional.
I have made my own lyrics about the men I date to the tune of the the Spin Doctors' Two Princes:
"This one's older than your father, this one still lives with his mother, this one never went to college, this one lacks the basic knowledge..."
Remember the video? One of the reasons I never watch MTV anymore is because it's mostly "TV" and very little "M."
Saturday, June 21, 2003
HELLO KITTY
One of my coworkers directed me to this site. It's translated literally from the Japanese. Interestingly enough, the cartoon cats have slanty eyes and the actual cats have huge, round eyes like a sailor moon cartoon.
Last time I went to a Crossfire taping I bought some little stuffed animals in Crossfire T-shirts. The shirts would probably fit my pigs, but one of the only two times my darling little Lightning bit me was when I put a harness on him (a bad idea, he looked stupid because he has no neck), so I'll be darned if I'm gonna make either of them wear T-shirts.
One of my coworkers directed me to this site. It's translated literally from the Japanese. Interestingly enough, the cartoon cats have slanty eyes and the actual cats have huge, round eyes like a sailor moon cartoon.
Last time I went to a Crossfire taping I bought some little stuffed animals in Crossfire T-shirts. The shirts would probably fit my pigs, but one of the only two times my darling little Lightning bit me was when I put a harness on him (a bad idea, he looked stupid because he has no neck), so I'll be darned if I'm gonna make either of them wear T-shirts.
ALL YOU CAN EAT
There is an article in today's Post about a place in Texas which gives you a 72-oz steak for free if you can eat the whole thing. That is one of my ambitions, along with being a guest voice on The Simpsons and King of the Hill. That is why I envy Gillian Anderson. Besides being hot and rich, (although incredibly short), she has kissed David Duchovny and been a guest voice on The Simpsons.
There is an article in today's Post about a place in Texas which gives you a 72-oz steak for free if you can eat the whole thing. That is one of my ambitions, along with being a guest voice on The Simpsons and King of the Hill. That is why I envy Gillian Anderson. Besides being hot and rich, (although incredibly short), she has kissed David Duchovny and been a guest voice on The Simpsons.
PRINCE WILLIAM OLD ENOUGH TO DRINK!
Prince William is 21 today -- old enough to drink in America. Yeah, like he's never done that before. I heard on ABC Radio that he wants his whole family, including his grandmother, to "let their hair down" and have fun. I remember the day he was born. My father said his name was Prince William and I said "that's a county." One of my male friends dated a woman he referred to as "Prince William Woman." Evidently she was an overweight smoker who couldn't hold a job, but I digress. Before he was born, when I was a teenager, I was walking around in a huff because I wanted to go to a concert or to the beach or somewhere and no one would go with me. I grumbled to my mother that "I guess even Lady Diana doesn't get to do everything she wants, and Mom said "those frumps probably don't want to do anything.
Prince William is 21 today -- old enough to drink in America. Yeah, like he's never done that before. I heard on ABC Radio that he wants his whole family, including his grandmother, to "let their hair down" and have fun. I remember the day he was born. My father said his name was Prince William and I said "that's a county." One of my male friends dated a woman he referred to as "Prince William Woman." Evidently she was an overweight smoker who couldn't hold a job, but I digress. Before he was born, when I was a teenager, I was walking around in a huff because I wanted to go to a concert or to the beach or somewhere and no one would go with me. I grumbled to my mother that "I guess even Lady Diana doesn't get to do everything she wants, and Mom said "those frumps probably don't want to do anything.
STAN, THE BACTERIA
WMAL's Dr. Henry Fishman is doing his show from Bio 2003 at the new Convention Center at 7PM tomorrow. They are gonna be talking about biological warfare, antiobiotics and all that good stuff. I have mixed feelings about antiobiotic use. I have been advised to take them before I get my teeth cleaned, but I do not want to contribute to the making of antibiotic-resistant "superbugs" or to develop a tolerance myself. BC/BS has a radio spot with a guy calling himself "Stan, the Bacteria." He talks about overuse of antibiotics leading to so-called superbugs. Not sure whether BC/BS is that concerned about world health or whether they're just too cheap to pay for antibiotics.
WMAL's Dr. Henry Fishman is doing his show from Bio 2003 at the new Convention Center at 7PM tomorrow. They are gonna be talking about biological warfare, antiobiotics and all that good stuff. I have mixed feelings about antiobiotic use. I have been advised to take them before I get my teeth cleaned, but I do not want to contribute to the making of antibiotic-resistant "superbugs" or to develop a tolerance myself. BC/BS has a radio spot with a guy calling himself "Stan, the Bacteria." He talks about overuse of antibiotics leading to so-called superbugs. Not sure whether BC/BS is that concerned about world health or whether they're just too cheap to pay for antibiotics.
SUMMER SHOE PLEDGE
Today is the first day of summer, such as it is. Shana sent me this over two years ago, but I was not in a state of mind to forward it then. I personally am not gonna take this pledge, but you can.
"THIS GOES FOR MEN AS WELL AS WOMEN. READ AND TAKE HEED!!!!!!
Please raise your big toes and repeat after me: As a member of the Cute Girl
Sisterhood, I pledge to follow the rules when I wear sandals and other
open-toe shoes. I promise to always wear sandals that fit. My toes will not
hang over and touch the ground, nor will my heels spill over the backs.
And the sides and tops of my feet will not pug out between the straps.
I will go polish-free or vow to keep the polish fresh, intact and chip-free.
I will not cheat and just touch up my big toe. I will sand down any mounds
of skin before they turn hard and yellow. I will shave the hairs off my big
toe.
I won't wear pantyhose even if my misinformed girlfriend, coworker, mother,
sister tells me the toe seam really will stay under my toes if I tuck it
there. If a strap breaks, I won't duct-tape, pin, glue or tuck it back into
place hoping it will stay put. I will get my shoe fixed or toss it.
I will not live in corn denial, rather I will lean on my good friend Dr.
Scholls if my feet need him. I will resist the urge to buy jelly shoes at
Payless for the low, low price of $4.99 even if my feet are small enough to
fit into the kids' sizes. This is out of concern for my safety, and the
safety of others. No one can walk properly when standing in a pool of sweat
and I would hate to take someone down with me as I fall and break my ankle.
I will take my toe ring off toward the end of the day if my toes swell and
begin to look like Vienna sausages. If I have been privy to the magic that
is Foot Soup, I will share that knowledge and experience with the
non-initiated.
I will be brutally honest with my girlfriend/sister/coworker when she asks
me if her feet are too ugly to wear sandals. Someone has to tell her that
her toes are as long as my fingers and no sandal makes creepy feet look
good.
This is my summer shoe pledge to you."
I admit to having bought at least three pairs of jelly shoes. One was the most comfortable pair of shoes I ever owned. Had I known how I was going to love them, I would have bought ten more pairs. I think I wore them about ten years, until they literally broke apart. They were translucent like Cinderalla's glass slippers. Some people thought I was walking around barefoot. Yes, I have corns, and hammer toes. And dewclaws. You saw in the June 9th entry that I remove my own warts, sometimes with pain and blood involved. This is why I am going to have the vet cut the pigs' toenails. I really should have my own cut. Maybe I can get the vet to do it.
Today is the first day of summer, such as it is. Shana sent me this over two years ago, but I was not in a state of mind to forward it then. I personally am not gonna take this pledge, but you can.
"THIS GOES FOR MEN AS WELL AS WOMEN. READ AND TAKE HEED!!!!!!
Please raise your big toes and repeat after me: As a member of the Cute Girl
Sisterhood, I pledge to follow the rules when I wear sandals and other
open-toe shoes. I promise to always wear sandals that fit. My toes will not
hang over and touch the ground, nor will my heels spill over the backs.
And the sides and tops of my feet will not pug out between the straps.
I will go polish-free or vow to keep the polish fresh, intact and chip-free.
I will not cheat and just touch up my big toe. I will sand down any mounds
of skin before they turn hard and yellow. I will shave the hairs off my big
toe.
I won't wear pantyhose even if my misinformed girlfriend, coworker, mother,
sister tells me the toe seam really will stay under my toes if I tuck it
there. If a strap breaks, I won't duct-tape, pin, glue or tuck it back into
place hoping it will stay put. I will get my shoe fixed or toss it.
I will not live in corn denial, rather I will lean on my good friend Dr.
Scholls if my feet need him. I will resist the urge to buy jelly shoes at
Payless for the low, low price of $4.99 even if my feet are small enough to
fit into the kids' sizes. This is out of concern for my safety, and the
safety of others. No one can walk properly when standing in a pool of sweat
and I would hate to take someone down with me as I fall and break my ankle.
I will take my toe ring off toward the end of the day if my toes swell and
begin to look like Vienna sausages. If I have been privy to the magic that
is Foot Soup, I will share that knowledge and experience with the
non-initiated.
I will be brutally honest with my girlfriend/sister/coworker when she asks
me if her feet are too ugly to wear sandals. Someone has to tell her that
her toes are as long as my fingers and no sandal makes creepy feet look
good.
This is my summer shoe pledge to you."
I admit to having bought at least three pairs of jelly shoes. One was the most comfortable pair of shoes I ever owned. Had I known how I was going to love them, I would have bought ten more pairs. I think I wore them about ten years, until they literally broke apart. They were translucent like Cinderalla's glass slippers. Some people thought I was walking around barefoot. Yes, I have corns, and hammer toes. And dewclaws. You saw in the June 9th entry that I remove my own warts, sometimes with pain and blood involved. This is why I am going to have the vet cut the pigs' toenails. I really should have my own cut. Maybe I can get the vet to do it.
JANE UND WIE SIE DIE WELT SAH
The World According to Jane
I always wanted to write that. One of my friends, who has no blog of his own, so I can't plug it, has been asked to write a chapter for a UK book on Germany. Never mind he has never been there in his life and does not speak a word of German. So, the man has trustingly asked for my insight, never mind I haven't lived there since 1988 and since then they've torn down the Berlin Wall and stuff. So here goes: German citizenship rules are different from ours. In America you are a US
citizen as long as you are born on US soil. In Germany, you can be born
there and live there 30 years, but if your parents were not German citizens,
you are probably not. Usually you get married twice, even if it's to the
same person -- once in a civil ceremony and again in a church ceremony if
you wish. When I was living there, the government took a church tax out of
your paycheck, according to whichever church you stated as your preference.
As a result, there were a lot of atheists and agnostics in the 80's. At the
time, you had to pay a radio and TV tax for state-supported radio and TV.
This was before MTV, CNN, the Food Channel, etc. There were also ordinances
regarding noise, at what hour you were allowed to mow your lawn, etc,
especially on Sundays. Laws required landlords to keep the exteriors of
their buildings "pico bello." This didn't always require to interiors. I
lived in an old house that was not bad-looking from the outside, but a real
dump on the inside. This explains how people didn't notice the
concentration camps all those years. Landlord-tenant laws also require
tenants to leave a building in the condition in which they found it. If it
was painted when the tenants moved in, it had to be as nicely (or not
nicely) painted when they moved out. As a result, a lot of crooked landlords
got away with tenants footing bills they shouldn't have had to. At the time
I lived there, there were no high school or college rings. Wearing one was
about as exotic as a nose ring. I hear in Switzerland the law is you get
unemployment compensation for x number of months after you lose your job.
After your period of compensation runs out, the government will find you a
new job. If you don't take it, you're SOL.
The World According to Jane
I always wanted to write that. One of my friends, who has no blog of his own, so I can't plug it, has been asked to write a chapter for a UK book on Germany. Never mind he has never been there in his life and does not speak a word of German. So, the man has trustingly asked for my insight, never mind I haven't lived there since 1988 and since then they've torn down the Berlin Wall and stuff. So here goes: German citizenship rules are different from ours. In America you are a US
citizen as long as you are born on US soil. In Germany, you can be born
there and live there 30 years, but if your parents were not German citizens,
you are probably not. Usually you get married twice, even if it's to the
same person -- once in a civil ceremony and again in a church ceremony if
you wish. When I was living there, the government took a church tax out of
your paycheck, according to whichever church you stated as your preference.
As a result, there were a lot of atheists and agnostics in the 80's. At the
time, you had to pay a radio and TV tax for state-supported radio and TV.
This was before MTV, CNN, the Food Channel, etc. There were also ordinances
regarding noise, at what hour you were allowed to mow your lawn, etc,
especially on Sundays. Laws required landlords to keep the exteriors of
their buildings "pico bello." This didn't always require to interiors. I
lived in an old house that was not bad-looking from the outside, but a real
dump on the inside. This explains how people didn't notice the
concentration camps all those years. Landlord-tenant laws also require
tenants to leave a building in the condition in which they found it. If it
was painted when the tenants moved in, it had to be as nicely (or not
nicely) painted when they moved out. As a result, a lot of crooked landlords
got away with tenants footing bills they shouldn't have had to. At the time
I lived there, there were no high school or college rings. Wearing one was
about as exotic as a nose ring. I hear in Switzerland the law is you get
unemployment compensation for x number of months after you lose your job.
After your period of compensation runs out, the government will find you a
new job. If you don't take it, you're SOL.
Friday, June 20, 2003
WEDDING GUEST GRIPES
I found this on on the MSN Homepage. Personally I have no gripes with the Macarena or the Chicken Dance, as those are probably the only two dances I can do. I saw one site which suggests playing Frankie Smith's Double Dutch Bus. Amy Paige and I agree that would be a good one to get everyone on the dance floor, but not necessarily for the couple's first dance together.
I found this on on the MSN Homepage. Personally I have no gripes with the Macarena or the Chicken Dance, as those are probably the only two dances I can do. I saw one site which suggests playing Frankie Smith's Double Dutch Bus. Amy Paige and I agree that would be a good one to get everyone on the dance floor, but not necessarily for the couple's first dance together.
SNACK TIME
At my one job we have a Flavia coffee machine. The decaf never gets used, so we have about 40 bazillion packages left over after we drink everything else. We're a radio station, for God's sake. Who the hell is gonna drink decaf? At my other job we get snacks from a company called "Snack Time," presumably in Baltimore. Again there are some snacks no one ever eats. Why do vendors keep pushing off stuff people won't eat or drink month after month? Don't they get the hint?
At my one job we have a Flavia coffee machine. The decaf never gets used, so we have about 40 bazillion packages left over after we drink everything else. We're a radio station, for God's sake. Who the hell is gonna drink decaf? At my other job we get snacks from a company called "Snack Time," presumably in Baltimore. Again there are some snacks no one ever eats. Why do vendors keep pushing off stuff people won't eat or drink month after month? Don't they get the hint?
RAIN, RAIN
Nothing but rain forecast until Sunday. I am so sick of this. Tomorrow is supposed to be the first day of summer, and all we get is rain. I feel as though I have had no summer, and my summer romance isn't exactly blooming either. Everything might as well be covered in mold. My car smells, my condo smells, I have a headache and a sore throat, my pants are covered with spots and my windows are fogged up. Phone and Internet connections are fucked up. Might as well be in a story by Somerset Maugham. or build an ark and gather the damn animals. If some asshole says to me "but we need rain, it makes the flowers grow," I swear to God I will clock him or her. This is no idle threat.
Nothing but rain forecast until Sunday. I am so sick of this. Tomorrow is supposed to be the first day of summer, and all we get is rain. I feel as though I have had no summer, and my summer romance isn't exactly blooming either. Everything might as well be covered in mold. My car smells, my condo smells, I have a headache and a sore throat, my pants are covered with spots and my windows are fogged up. Phone and Internet connections are fucked up. Might as well be in a story by Somerset Maugham. or build an ark and gather the damn animals. If some asshole says to me "but we need rain, it makes the flowers grow," I swear to God I will clock him or her. This is no idle threat.
Thursday, June 19, 2003
CDA. NO, NOT CALIFORNIA DENTAL ASSOCIATES
I have just read the Catholic Daughters of the Americas have no courts in Alabama, Kentucky, Rhode Island, Delaware, MIssissippi, Tennessee, Georgia, Missouri, Utah, or Wyoming. Their motto is "Unity and Charity" -- women in my family have been members for three generations.
I have just read the Catholic Daughters of the Americas have no courts in Alabama, Kentucky, Rhode Island, Delaware, MIssissippi, Tennessee, Georgia, Missouri, Utah, or Wyoming. Their motto is "Unity and Charity" -- women in my family have been members for three generations.
WHY SOME PEOPLE THINK THEY ARE NOT SUCCESSFUL
From a reader: "ummmm I am feeling left out, maybe i have hit on the reason I am not as successful as some of my friends. I have only ONE identity. Cassandra has three...wow ...Jane ( you) have TWO... Linda( who) has maybe two...there are others with others, I have only one...damn, no wonder. I guess the more identities you have the more chances for success. Isn't it interesting how things have changed these days, from a one worker/earner family to a two worker/earner family and now to a family that can have as many as four genders among just the wife and husband (assuming they don't discover another gender in the next 5 years)......just thinking... I wonder if I have another identity lurking somewhere???"
From a reader: "ummmm I am feeling left out, maybe i have hit on the reason I am not as successful as some of my friends. I have only ONE identity. Cassandra has three...wow ...Jane ( you) have TWO... Linda( who) has maybe two...there are others with others, I have only one...damn, no wonder. I guess the more identities you have the more chances for success. Isn't it interesting how things have changed these days, from a one worker/earner family to a two worker/earner family and now to a family that can have as many as four genders among just the wife and husband (assuming they don't discover another gender in the next 5 years)......just thinking... I wonder if I have another identity lurking somewhere???"
UH, THANKS
From a reader: "I just visited , or finished visiting your blog. I like it. It is good to get an "inside" glimpse at people some times. It makes you feel normal and points up what is NOT normal about you. I use the royal "I" and "WE" here. Of course I sorta knew already but it is nice to see that I am not the only one With weird thoughts. This is the third visit by the way!!!"
From a reader: "I just visited , or finished visiting your blog. I like it. It is good to get an "inside" glimpse at people some times. It makes you feel normal and points up what is NOT normal about you. I use the royal "I" and "WE" here. Of course I sorta knew already but it is nice to see that I am not the only one With weird thoughts. This is the third visit by the way!!!"
SORRY, WE'RE CATHOLIC
Right now on Nightline there is a piece on teenage evangelists, showing some kids going from house to house in long-sleeved shirts and ties. My neighor in Falls Church had a problem with Mormons coming over in the evening. One evening she answered the door, took one look at the men, said "sorry, we're Catholic" and shut the door on them. It turns out they were from her husband's insurance company. One of them knocked again and said "that's okay, we insure everyone."
Right now on Nightline there is a piece on teenage evangelists, showing some kids going from house to house in long-sleeved shirts and ties. My neighor in Falls Church had a problem with Mormons coming over in the evening. One evening she answered the door, took one look at the men, said "sorry, we're Catholic" and shut the door on them. It turns out they were from her husband's insurance company. One of them knocked again and said "that's okay, we insure everyone."
BOB'S ROACH CLIP
You should see Bob's roach clip. He calls it a message clip, but we know better -- it is too top-heavy to hold many messages. The base is a clear-plastic cube with a little toy penguin floating on some blue liquid. EJ says "are you trying to drown it?" Only EJ would come up with that -- even I wouldn't come up with that.
A couple weeks ago a guy I was dating called up and said something really stupid and hurtful. The conversation went like this:
"Are you drunk?"
"No."
"Are you high?"
"No. Why do you ask?"
"Because I can't believe anyone in a lucid (?) state of mind would say anything so stupid."
Maybe that's why he doesn't return my calls now : (
You should see Bob's roach clip. He calls it a message clip, but we know better -- it is too top-heavy to hold many messages. The base is a clear-plastic cube with a little toy penguin floating on some blue liquid. EJ says "are you trying to drown it?" Only EJ would come up with that -- even I wouldn't come up with that.
A couple weeks ago a guy I was dating called up and said something really stupid and hurtful. The conversation went like this:
"Are you drunk?"
"No."
"Are you high?"
"No. Why do you ask?"
"Because I can't believe anyone in a lucid (?) state of mind would say anything so stupid."
Maybe that's why he doesn't return my calls now : (
FUNNY, YOU DON'T LOOK JEWISH
I noticed a pop-up for a Jewish Dating Service keeps popping up on my blog. This tickles me -- I am not Jewish. When I was a JCC member, I wore a Finnish flag T-shirt with a JCC pass around my neck, so I figure some people thought I was a Finnish Jew. Some people think there are no Jews in Finland. They are wrong. One of my best friends is a Finnish Jew. Some of them are related to me.
I work with a man who finds the word "Jew" alone offensive -- he prefers "Jewish." Ironically, this man has a Greek name. I never asked him which he prefers to be called -- Greek, a Greek, a Greek man, a Greek person, a person of Greek ancestory, Grecian, Hellenic or Graeco-American.
I noticed a pop-up for a Jewish Dating Service keeps popping up on my blog. This tickles me -- I am not Jewish. When I was a JCC member, I wore a Finnish flag T-shirt with a JCC pass around my neck, so I figure some people thought I was a Finnish Jew. Some people think there are no Jews in Finland. They are wrong. One of my best friends is a Finnish Jew. Some of them are related to me.
I work with a man who finds the word "Jew" alone offensive -- he prefers "Jewish." Ironically, this man has a Greek name. I never asked him which he prefers to be called -- Greek, a Greek, a Greek man, a Greek person, a person of Greek ancestory, Grecian, Hellenic or Graeco-American.
SNAPCRACKLEPOP! SAUSAGES!
Right now every joint in my body is going snapcracklepop -- nothing a full eight hours' sleep wouldn't cure. I have been playing with the Silly Putty out of my desktop toybox to relax my hands. Compusa sells good hand exercisers. When my girlfriend Susan's mother had hand surgery, she had to play with modeling clay for exercise. Her father used to make the stuff into obscene shapes and leave them on the dining room table.
All of this has me hungry for sausages. Cafe Berlin on Massachusetts Avenue serves sausages which inspire incredible lust.
Right now every joint in my body is going snapcracklepop -- nothing a full eight hours' sleep wouldn't cure. I have been playing with the Silly Putty out of my desktop toybox to relax my hands. Compusa sells good hand exercisers. When my girlfriend Susan's mother had hand surgery, she had to play with modeling clay for exercise. Her father used to make the stuff into obscene shapes and leave them on the dining room table.
All of this has me hungry for sausages. Cafe Berlin on Massachusetts Avenue serves sausages which inspire incredible lust.
Wednesday, June 18, 2003
THE SANDWICH GENERATION
Got lunch from Quizno's. Jeez, they wrap their sandwiches tightly. I don't think the Egyptians wrapped their dead so tightly. They also offer jalapenos, pepperoncini and banana peppers in little containers to go. You have to hand it to Guggenheim -- he can be thoughtful at times. I used to eat the pepperoncini off his plate and mine, so one night at Food for Thought he asked the waiter to bring me a bowl of pepperoncini. He told the others "I worry about Jane walking from here to Farragut North in the dark." He was right. For almost nine years I made that walk at once a day. Then my luck ran out. On March 10th I was robbed at the Starbucks at Connecticut and "R."
Got lunch from Quizno's. Jeez, they wrap their sandwiches tightly. I don't think the Egyptians wrapped their dead so tightly. They also offer jalapenos, pepperoncini and banana peppers in little containers to go. You have to hand it to Guggenheim -- he can be thoughtful at times. I used to eat the pepperoncini off his plate and mine, so one night at Food for Thought he asked the waiter to bring me a bowl of pepperoncini. He told the others "I worry about Jane walking from here to Farragut North in the dark." He was right. For almost nine years I made that walk at once a day. Then my luck ran out. On March 10th I was robbed at the Starbucks at Connecticut and "R."
THE MOOSE IS LOOSE
Mix 107 reports Montgomery County Police Chief Charles Moose has resigned "to pursue other interests." Did he jump, or was he pushed?
Mix 107 reports Montgomery County Police Chief Charles Moose has resigned "to pursue other interests." Did he jump, or was he pushed?
EXCEL SUCKS
I will now stop saying mean things about Blogger and start saying mean things about Excel. Excel sucks worse than Blogger. At least at this time. Of course the fact that I am uncoordinated may have something to do with it.
I will now stop saying mean things about Blogger and start saying mean things about Excel. Excel sucks worse than Blogger. At least at this time. Of course the fact that I am uncoordinated may have something to do with it.
Tuesday, June 17, 2003
GRAND OPENING!
My ex is going to the IKEA grand opening without me and without his current wife. Rumor has it IKEA is Swedish for "cheap shit." It was one reason I didn't marry him. The new wife doesn't like it, either.
My ex is going to the IKEA grand opening without me and without his current wife. Rumor has it IKEA is Swedish for "cheap shit." It was one reason I didn't marry him. The new wife doesn't like it, either.
RIGGS BANK ROBBED
Just heard the Riggs Bank around the corner of Wisconsin and Elm was robbed about an hour ago. The cops got there just about the same time I did. This is the third crime I have averted in the past two months. Neither of the pigs were with me this time. Thunder has been in a badass mood recently.
Just heard the Riggs Bank around the corner of Wisconsin and Elm was robbed about an hour ago. The cops got there just about the same time I did. This is the third crime I have averted in the past two months. Neither of the pigs were with me this time. Thunder has been in a badass mood recently.
WICKED STEPFATHERS
One of my co-workers is taking the day off to attend her stepdaughter's eighth-grade graduation, after having spent the night caring for her own stepmother -- she doesn't want to be the wicked stepmother herself.
When I was little, I grew up hearing about wicked stepmothers. Then one day I heard my parents talking about their friend Dottie, and what a good stepmother she was to her husband's two oldest daughters. Interesting you never hear about wicked stepfathers.
One of my co-workers is taking the day off to attend her stepdaughter's eighth-grade graduation, after having spent the night caring for her own stepmother -- she doesn't want to be the wicked stepmother herself.
When I was little, I grew up hearing about wicked stepmothers. Then one day I heard my parents talking about their friend Dottie, and what a good stepmother she was to her husband's two oldest daughters. Interesting you never hear about wicked stepfathers.
Monday, June 16, 2003
BEANDIP
Just saw another great blog title: beandip.blogspot.com. Why are all the great blog titles taken?
Just saw another great blog title: beandip.blogspot.com. Why are all the great blog titles taken?
VIDEO KILLED THE RADIO STAR
Just got back from Kramer's, after listening to the Buggle's Video Killed the Radio Star :
"I heard you on the wireless back in '52, lying awake intently tuning in on you"
when it hit me with what Woody Allen referred to as "sinus-clearing clarity." The first time I heard the song (the song that officially ushered in MTV) would have been in the fall or winter of '79, in the middle of the night in bed, listening to WPGC or WWDC or WEAM-AM on my little Panasonic. I read in CREEM magazine that cool teenagers in New York City carried portable radios on their shoulders, so I tried the same thing. Unfortunately, I didn't understand it was cool black teenagers and that they carried great big portable radios, not little 8" Panasonics. It's a wonder I didn't get beaten up more often.
Just got back from Kramer's, after listening to the Buggle's Video Killed the Radio Star :
"I heard you on the wireless back in '52, lying awake intently tuning in on you"
when it hit me with what Woody Allen referred to as "sinus-clearing clarity." The first time I heard the song (the song that officially ushered in MTV) would have been in the fall or winter of '79, in the middle of the night in bed, listening to WPGC or WWDC or WEAM-AM on my little Panasonic. I read in CREEM magazine that cool teenagers in New York City carried portable radios on their shoulders, so I tried the same thing. Unfortunately, I didn't understand it was cool black teenagers and that they carried great big portable radios, not little 8" Panasonics. It's a wonder I didn't get beaten up more often.
TODAY I AM A MAN
There is an article in today's Post about men over 35 going to Hebrew School, studying for the bar mitzvahs they never had, or feel they didn't get right. A couple years ago I saw an ad, I think it was for the JCC, encouraging young Jewish people to come back. The ad read "we're sorry about Hebrew school. You were going through puberty and we were boring." Too bad the Catholics never made such an apology.
There is an article in today's Post about men over 35 going to Hebrew School, studying for the bar mitzvahs they never had, or feel they didn't get right. A couple years ago I saw an ad, I think it was for the JCC, encouraging young Jewish people to come back. The ad read "we're sorry about Hebrew school. You were going through puberty and we were boring." Too bad the Catholics never made such an apology.
FREEZE MOTHERSHUCKERS!
Saw a great Abercrombie and Fitch T-Shirt at California Tortilla: it said "Mothershucker's Oyster Bar." The Caltort special this week is the Cajun sausage burrito. Not bad. Had it with Washington Redskin's hot sauce. Not bad either, but nowhere near my three favorites: Apple Sass, Kitten's Big Banana and Smokin' Oranges.
Saw a great Abercrombie and Fitch T-Shirt at California Tortilla: it said "Mothershucker's Oyster Bar." The Caltort special this week is the Cajun sausage burrito. Not bad. Had it with Washington Redskin's hot sauce. Not bad either, but nowhere near my three favorites: Apple Sass, Kitten's Big Banana and Smokin' Oranges.
Sunday, June 15, 2003
DIRTY TRICK
Elaine Mikk at WMAL suggested a dirty trick -- calling your boyfriend and wishing him happy Father's Day. The current guy is under the weather, and I didn't want to be that cruel -- I called three of my exes instead, of whom said I was a real mother. Yeah, "and the Angel of the Lord declared unto Jane and she conceived by the Holy Spirit." That's the only way that's gonna happen. I did spend the afternoon at Leisure World, but it's hard to get a guy aroused or jealous telling him that. Nice people they have there -- one old bat treated me like a burgler when I asked for directions.
Haven't been that way in months -- drove past the site of the first sniper shooting. Pretty weird. I added an Earthlink address -- snipercatcher@earthlink.net
Elaine Mikk at WMAL suggested a dirty trick -- calling your boyfriend and wishing him happy Father's Day. The current guy is under the weather, and I didn't want to be that cruel -- I called three of my exes instead, of whom said I was a real mother. Yeah, "and the Angel of the Lord declared unto Jane and she conceived by the Holy Spirit." That's the only way that's gonna happen. I did spend the afternoon at Leisure World, but it's hard to get a guy aroused or jealous telling him that. Nice people they have there -- one old bat treated me like a burgler when I asked for directions.
Haven't been that way in months -- drove past the site of the first sniper shooting. Pretty weird. I added an Earthlink address -- snipercatcher@earthlink.net
FATHER'S DAY
Today is Father's Day. My father lives in Florida. His late father was named John Edward. My father wanted his oldest child to have his father's initials if not his name, so I am Jane Ellen after my father's sisters, Mary Jane and Ellen. Of course my initials are also the same as J. Edgar Hoover's. One of the paintings in my living room bears the initials "JEH." A Mensa guest asked "Am I to assume this painting was done by J. Edgar Hoover?" Dad sez had he realized this, he would have named me something else.
Aunt Ellen wrote this haiku:
Ellen is an aunt
Many nieces and nephews
All nice, all grown-up
She and her late husband Owen ("Osh") had 17 nieces and nephews between the two of them. I am the youngest on her side. The oldest would have been my cousin Dickie, who was born in 1948 or '49. My cousin Joe wins by default -- he was born a couple months later. Dickie died when I was three. I don't remember it at all -- we were at the beach. This was before e-mail, call-forwarding, anwswering machines, etc so we didn't find out until after we got back. Years later my father was still lighting candles for Dickie. I don't think he does anymore.
Today is Father's Day. My father lives in Florida. His late father was named John Edward. My father wanted his oldest child to have his father's initials if not his name, so I am Jane Ellen after my father's sisters, Mary Jane and Ellen. Of course my initials are also the same as J. Edgar Hoover's. One of the paintings in my living room bears the initials "JEH." A Mensa guest asked "Am I to assume this painting was done by J. Edgar Hoover?" Dad sez had he realized this, he would have named me something else.
Aunt Ellen wrote this haiku:
Ellen is an aunt
Many nieces and nephews
All nice, all grown-up
She and her late husband Owen ("Osh") had 17 nieces and nephews between the two of them. I am the youngest on her side. The oldest would have been my cousin Dickie, who was born in 1948 or '49. My cousin Joe wins by default -- he was born a couple months later. Dickie died when I was three. I don't remember it at all -- we were at the beach. This was before e-mail, call-forwarding, anwswering machines, etc so we didn't find out until after we got back. Years later my father was still lighting candles for Dickie. I don't think he does anymore.
Saturday, June 14, 2003
GOTTA LOVE 'EM
Gotta love the guys at Pizzaboli's in Adams-Morgan. Although their website is FUBAR, the guy brought the pizza out to my car across the street so I wouldn't be late for work. Can't say the same for Xando in Chevy Chase, although they're improving. They have not answered any of my e-mails complaining about their lousy service, but I know they read them, because they look at my website.
Gotta love the guys at Pizzaboli's in Adams-Morgan. Although their website is FUBAR, the guy brought the pizza out to my car across the street so I wouldn't be late for work. Can't say the same for Xando in Chevy Chase, although they're improving. They have not answered any of my e-mails complaining about their lousy service, but I know they read them, because they look at my website.
ALL I WANNA DO
It was a rainy night when he came into sight
Standing by the road, no umbrella, no coat
So I pulled up along side and I offered him a ride
He accepted with a smile so we drove for a while
I didn't ask him his name, this lonely boy in the rain
Fate tell me it's right, is this love at first sight
Please don't make it wrong, just stay for the night
All I wanna do is make love to you
Say you will you want me too
All I wanna do is make love to you
I've got lovin' arms to hold on to
So we found this hotel, it was a place I knew well
We made magic that night. Oh, he did everything right
He brought the woman out of me, so many times, easily
And in the morning when he woke all I left him was a note
I told him I am the flower you are the seed
We walked in the garden we planted a tree
Don't try to find me, please don't you dare
Just live in my memory, you'll always be there
All I wanna do is make love to you
One night of love was all we knew
All I wanna do is make love to you
I've got lovin' arms to hold on to
Oh, oooh, we made love
Love like strangers
All night long
We made love
Then it happened one day, we came round the same way
You can imagine his surprise when he saw his own eyes
I said please, please understand
I'm in love with another man
And what he couldn't give me
was the one little thing that you can
All I wanna do is make love to you
One night of love was all we knew
All I want to do is make love to you
Come on, say you will, you want me too
All I wanna do is make love to you
One night of love was all we knew
All I want to do is make love to you
Say you will, you want me too
All night long ...
No, I am not plagiarizing. "All I Wanna Do" copyright by Heart 1989 or 1990. I forget which.
After seeing Ann Wilson's expansion efforts, one of my friends made up his own version following Rick Dees (or Scott Shannon, I forget whom)
"all I wanna do is lose a pound or two...in the morning when he woke, all I left him was a Coke...we made fudge all night long...please, please understand, I want egg with ham..."
I would be lying if I said making love to one particular guy was all I wanted to do, but it is heavy on my agenda. It's kind of like the Randy Newman song "I Love to See You Smile" (disgustingly used by McDonald's) "I was born to make you happy." No, I was not born to make him or any one person happy, but it is a priority.
It was a rainy night when he came into sight
Standing by the road, no umbrella, no coat
So I pulled up along side and I offered him a ride
He accepted with a smile so we drove for a while
I didn't ask him his name, this lonely boy in the rain
Fate tell me it's right, is this love at first sight
Please don't make it wrong, just stay for the night
All I wanna do is make love to you
Say you will you want me too
All I wanna do is make love to you
I've got lovin' arms to hold on to
So we found this hotel, it was a place I knew well
We made magic that night. Oh, he did everything right
He brought the woman out of me, so many times, easily
And in the morning when he woke all I left him was a note
I told him I am the flower you are the seed
We walked in the garden we planted a tree
Don't try to find me, please don't you dare
Just live in my memory, you'll always be there
All I wanna do is make love to you
One night of love was all we knew
All I wanna do is make love to you
I've got lovin' arms to hold on to
Oh, oooh, we made love
Love like strangers
All night long
We made love
Then it happened one day, we came round the same way
You can imagine his surprise when he saw his own eyes
I said please, please understand
I'm in love with another man
And what he couldn't give me
was the one little thing that you can
All I wanna do is make love to you
One night of love was all we knew
All I want to do is make love to you
Come on, say you will, you want me too
All I wanna do is make love to you
One night of love was all we knew
All I want to do is make love to you
Say you will, you want me too
All night long ...
No, I am not plagiarizing. "All I Wanna Do" copyright by Heart 1989 or 1990. I forget which.
After seeing Ann Wilson's expansion efforts, one of my friends made up his own version following Rick Dees (or Scott Shannon, I forget whom)
"all I wanna do is lose a pound or two...in the morning when he woke, all I left him was a Coke...we made fudge all night long...please, please understand, I want egg with ham..."
I would be lying if I said making love to one particular guy was all I wanted to do, but it is heavy on my agenda. It's kind of like the Randy Newman song "I Love to See You Smile" (disgustingly used by McDonald's) "I was born to make you happy." No, I was not born to make him or any one person happy, but it is a priority.
HOT, HOT, HOT
Relative humidity is 70% and it's 82 degrees in Washington, but for some reason it feels worse than that. I hardly feel refreshed at all from the less than four hours of sleep I got -- kind of what chronic fatigue syndrome or insomnia supposedly feel like. I kept flopping around trying to find a cool spot and put the air conditioner on for what was probably the first time this year -- I worry about the pigs catching cold. Suzanne at the shelter sugggests feeding them frozen vegetables, kind of like vegetablesicles. Kind of like one of Katie's dates, "Teacherman." For dinner he served chicken he got on sale and his daughter made jello for dessert. The daughter said she was still hungry, so he served frozen vegetables, too. Katie sez at least he heated them.
On the way in I heard the Metro traffic reporter talking about line painting on Shady Grove Road. At first I thought she was talking about some Native American art form or something little kids do at craft fairs. Then I realized they were talking about painting lines on the roads.
WMAL is sponsoring its Leukemia Society radiothon. If you want to donate, call 301-231-4800 or 1-800-322-5699
janedoe@seductive.com
Relative humidity is 70% and it's 82 degrees in Washington, but for some reason it feels worse than that. I hardly feel refreshed at all from the less than four hours of sleep I got -- kind of what chronic fatigue syndrome or insomnia supposedly feel like. I kept flopping around trying to find a cool spot and put the air conditioner on for what was probably the first time this year -- I worry about the pigs catching cold. Suzanne at the shelter sugggests feeding them frozen vegetables, kind of like vegetablesicles. Kind of like one of Katie's dates, "Teacherman." For dinner he served chicken he got on sale and his daughter made jello for dessert. The daughter said she was still hungry, so he served frozen vegetables, too. Katie sez at least he heated them.
On the way in I heard the Metro traffic reporter talking about line painting on Shady Grove Road. At first I thought she was talking about some Native American art form or something little kids do at craft fairs. Then I realized they were talking about painting lines on the roads.
WMAL is sponsoring its Leukemia Society radiothon. If you want to donate, call 301-231-4800 or 1-800-322-5699
janedoe@seductive.com
Friday, June 13, 2003
NO LIE
I hear Wrigley's is coming up (no pun intended) with a gum with generic viagra in it. Gives new meaning to the phrase "piss and chew gum at the same time."
Also I found a webring for people who like hot food.
I hear Wrigley's is coming up (no pun intended) with a gum with generic viagra in it. Gives new meaning to the phrase "piss and chew gum at the same time."
Also I found a webring for people who like hot food.
TWINKIE THE KID, OR THE TWINKIE KID
Had two twinkies for dessert, just like in high school. I used to gross my friends out by biting the ends off and sucking out the cream. My girlfriend, Marie, said "some husband is going to be very lucky." Ironically, in our high school they taught us that was a sin, and I'm still not married.
Had two twinkies for dessert, just like in high school. I used to gross my friends out by biting the ends off and sucking out the cream. My girlfriend, Marie, said "some husband is going to be very lucky." Ironically, in our high school they taught us that was a sin, and I'm still not married.
Thursday, June 12, 2003
MORAL MINORITY
Last night Overnight Mike asked whether I would fill in for him next month. I told him yes, even if the people at WMAL or Smooth Jazz asked me to work those nights, I had committed to him and would stick to it. He found that great news -- I thought it was just the decent thing to do. Yesterday at 7-11 I bought a soda in a new cup, but forgot to tell the woman it was not a refill. I remembered today, and told her to charge me for a new cup and she did. I thought she would say "that's ok, thank you for being so honest," but she didn't. Like that one cup would hurt 7-11.
Last night Overnight Mike asked whether I would fill in for him next month. I told him yes, even if the people at WMAL or Smooth Jazz asked me to work those nights, I had committed to him and would stick to it. He found that great news -- I thought it was just the decent thing to do. Yesterday at 7-11 I bought a soda in a new cup, but forgot to tell the woman it was not a refill. I remembered today, and told her to charge me for a new cup and she did. I thought she would say "that's ok, thank you for being so honest," but she didn't. Like that one cup would hurt 7-11.
ARTIST'S BLOCK
I answered an ad for an easel for sale. If I buy it, that will be one less excuse to not paint. I just finished walking down Connecticut Avenue. Something smells like honey. Or clover. Just saw a girl in a billed cap, boots, and a very tight miniskirt. Was she coming from/going to a costume party or does she think it's 1968? Of course I should talk -- at the moment I'm wearing a Serving Conserving Delmarva T-shirt, a pair of JC Penney shorts and sandals from Payless Shoes Source. I'm sure you saw it on the cover of Cosmo.
I answered an ad for an easel for sale. If I buy it, that will be one less excuse to not paint. I just finished walking down Connecticut Avenue. Something smells like honey. Or clover. Just saw a girl in a billed cap, boots, and a very tight miniskirt. Was she coming from/going to a costume party or does she think it's 1968? Of course I should talk -- at the moment I'm wearing a Serving Conserving Delmarva T-shirt, a pair of JC Penney shorts and sandals from Payless Shoes Source. I'm sure you saw it on the cover of Cosmo.
CHICAGO, NO, NOT THE MUSICAL
One of my Mensa buddies is going to Chicago, and I asked various friends and relatives what to see and do. Here are the responses I got:
From my friend, Barbara:
She will want to go to Orchestra Hall and see/hear the Chicago Symphony if they are in town. Ravinia, in Highland Park, is a great spot for music too. Lots of great museums and restuarants, of course. I personally love their Art Institute.
The original Marshall Field store is on State Street. Michigan Ave. has a bunch of nice shops. The Schubert Theatre probably has something going on.
From my friend, Jeff:
Museum of Science & Industry, Field Museum, Adler Planetarium, Shedd Aquarium, Grant Park, Chicago Board of Trade, Magnificent Mile, the Loop (take a ride on an EL train), Sears Tower, Buckingham Fountain, Brookfield or Lincoln Park Zoos.
OK, well that's a start at least.
Cheers,
Jeff
From my Mensan friend, Catherine
Where is Chicago and how is she traveling? It makes a difference.
Navy Pier is nice as is the area around it.
The "Mag Mile" is great (food, shopping, architecture, history, "open" radio
studios, etc) during the day but a little less interesting at night.
The Drake for tea
The museums are all good.
Rush St. if she's a bar hopper.
From my Aunt Ellen:
Osh and I used to go to Chicago when we were married. Great town, with many things to do. I'm sure local papers will make recommendations, or maybe look on the internet . It has been so long since I was there that I don't know what the current attractions are. From what I recall, the Sears Tower, many museums, Old Town are a few.
From my Cousin Lynn:
i was in chicago in january and it was so cold i did not
get out to see any sights. we had a work retreat and all we did was work
and eat. the restaurants are great and the streets are lined with people
at all times. i've heard the miracle mile is the place to go for shopping.
From my old boss:
navy pier
top of the sears tower
top of the 74th (i believe) anyway, the restaurant atop the hancock tower. i've eaten there while looking DOWN on thunderclouds.
rush street...the party street.
harry caray's restaurant.
go shopping at marshall fields
see the radio hall of fame, museum of broadcast communications, chicago cultural center, 78 east washington street (at michigan avenue).
one magnificent mile...the michigan avenue shopping stretch of almost rodeo drive.
take a passenger boat from the chicago river out into lake michigan.
One of my Mensa buddies is going to Chicago, and I asked various friends and relatives what to see and do. Here are the responses I got:
From my friend, Barbara:
She will want to go to Orchestra Hall and see/hear the Chicago Symphony if they are in town. Ravinia, in Highland Park, is a great spot for music too. Lots of great museums and restuarants, of course. I personally love their Art Institute.
The original Marshall Field store is on State Street. Michigan Ave. has a bunch of nice shops. The Schubert Theatre probably has something going on.
From my friend, Jeff:
Museum of Science & Industry, Field Museum, Adler Planetarium, Shedd Aquarium, Grant Park, Chicago Board of Trade, Magnificent Mile, the Loop (take a ride on an EL train), Sears Tower, Buckingham Fountain, Brookfield or Lincoln Park Zoos.
OK, well that's a start at least.
Cheers,
Jeff
From my Mensan friend, Catherine
Where is Chicago and how is she traveling? It makes a difference.
Navy Pier is nice as is the area around it.
The "Mag Mile" is great (food, shopping, architecture, history, "open" radio
studios, etc) during the day but a little less interesting at night.
The Drake for tea
The museums are all good.
Rush St. if she's a bar hopper.
From my Aunt Ellen:
Osh and I used to go to Chicago when we were married. Great town, with many things to do. I'm sure local papers will make recommendations, or maybe look on the internet . It has been so long since I was there that I don't know what the current attractions are. From what I recall, the Sears Tower, many museums, Old Town are a few.
From my Cousin Lynn:
i was in chicago in january and it was so cold i did not
get out to see any sights. we had a work retreat and all we did was work
and eat. the restaurants are great and the streets are lined with people
at all times. i've heard the miracle mile is the place to go for shopping.
From my old boss:
navy pier
top of the sears tower
top of the 74th (i believe) anyway, the restaurant atop the hancock tower. i've eaten there while looking DOWN on thunderclouds.
rush street...the party street.
harry caray's restaurant.
go shopping at marshall fields
see the radio hall of fame, museum of broadcast communications, chicago cultural center, 78 east washington street (at michigan avenue).
one magnificent mile...the michigan avenue shopping stretch of almost rodeo drive.
take a passenger boat from the chicago river out into lake michigan.
MORE OF JANE'S RULES OF DATING
1) Don't clog up your date's answering machine with a health report. weather report, meal plans, etc. Save it for the date! Just say "hi, this is Joe. Give me a call at 555-5555. Looking forward to hearing from you." If you leave messages on her work phone and cell phone, for GOD's sake, don't clog up all three of them -- just say, "check your home phone."
2) If your date gives you a business card with her work number, DON'T assume it's okay to look her up in the book and call her at home. Conversely, if she gives you her home number, don't assume it's okay to call her at work.
3) Asking your date if she's bi is not a good idea for a first date. Probably not a good one for the second date, either.
1) Don't clog up your date's answering machine with a health report. weather report, meal plans, etc. Save it for the date! Just say "hi, this is Joe. Give me a call at 555-5555. Looking forward to hearing from you." If you leave messages on her work phone and cell phone, for GOD's sake, don't clog up all three of them -- just say, "check your home phone."
2) If your date gives you a business card with her work number, DON'T assume it's okay to look her up in the book and call her at home. Conversely, if she gives you her home number, don't assume it's okay to call her at work.
3) Asking your date if she's bi is not a good idea for a first date. Probably not a good one for the second date, either.
AFRICAN SPAMMERS
I got another "urgent" e-mail from some guy in South Africa who thinks I am stupid enough to transfer several thousand dollars to his bank account. Whenever I get one of these, I reply "quit spamming me you son of a bitch -- I'm reporting you to the US government." Then I e-mail his ISP and 419.fcd@usss.treas.gov, saying "please make this son of a bitch stop spamming me." I have saved every single one. When I get a whole bunch, I am going to print them all up, hand-carry them to their respective embassies, dump them on someone's desk and say "look what I have to put up with. You deal with it."
janedoe@seductive.com
I got another "urgent" e-mail from some guy in South Africa who thinks I am stupid enough to transfer several thousand dollars to his bank account. Whenever I get one of these, I reply "quit spamming me you son of a bitch -- I'm reporting you to the US government." Then I e-mail his ISP and 419.fcd@usss.treas.gov, saying "please make this son of a bitch stop spamming me." I have saved every single one. When I get a whole bunch, I am going to print them all up, hand-carry them to their respective embassies, dump them on someone's desk and say "look what I have to put up with. You deal with it."
janedoe@seductive.com
Wednesday, June 11, 2003
DEAR ABBY
My old boss sent me this:
Dear Abby:
My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the
beginning.
When I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse is everyone
knows
he cheats on me. It is so humiliating!
Also, since he lost his job two years ago he hasn't even looked for a
new one.
All he does is sit around the living room in his underwear and watch
TV
while I work to pay the bills.
And since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend
to like
me.
He keeps calling me a lesbian.
What should I do?
Signed
Clueless
Dear Clueless:
Dump him. You're a New York senator now. You don't need him anymore.
My old boss sent me this:
Dear Abby:
My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the
beginning.
When I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse is everyone
knows
he cheats on me. It is so humiliating!
Also, since he lost his job two years ago he hasn't even looked for a
new one.
All he does is sit around the living room in his underwear and watch
TV
while I work to pay the bills.
And since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend
to like
me.
He keeps calling me a lesbian.
What should I do?
Signed
Clueless
Dear Clueless:
Dump him. You're a New York senator now. You don't need him anymore.
PMS
I know a woman who suffers from PMS -- Permanent Menstrual Syndrome. I have an oil called "Woman's Balance." I let her smell it and she said "eeeewww." If there was anyone who could have used it....
I am thinking of trying it on the pigs. Will it make them mellow, energized, less anxiety-ridden, clearer-thinking?
I know a woman who suffers from PMS -- Permanent Menstrual Syndrome. I have an oil called "Woman's Balance." I let her smell it and she said "eeeewww." If there was anyone who could have used it....
I am thinking of trying it on the pigs. Will it make them mellow, energized, less anxiety-ridden, clearer-thinking?
MISS CLEO
Showed the people at work my new aromatherapy kit and my new tarot card bag. Sherry says "Damn! What are you gonna be into next? We're gonna have to start calling you Miss Cleo." Sherry used to have a Magic Eight Ball on her desk, but Dan kept dropping it. I would have thought Dan was old enough to hold onto things. Evidently not. He sez when he goes out to eat he requests a bib and a highchair. My Uncle Joe says I should start reading tarot cards in Atlantic City.
Showed the people at work my new aromatherapy kit and my new tarot card bag. Sherry says "Damn! What are you gonna be into next? We're gonna have to start calling you Miss Cleo." Sherry used to have a Magic Eight Ball on her desk, but Dan kept dropping it. I would have thought Dan was old enough to hold onto things. Evidently not. He sez when he goes out to eat he requests a bib and a highchair. My Uncle Joe says I should start reading tarot cards in Atlantic City.
Tuesday, June 10, 2003
THE MOOSE WON'T BE MISSSED
I saw in today's Washington Post the Chocolate Moose near DuPont Circle may be losing its lease. I have been there two, maybe three times in my life, and the last time the salesperson was very rude. There are enough other cutesy little shops in the city with politer staff -- I'm voting with my wallet and taking my business elsewhere.
I saw in today's Washington Post the Chocolate Moose near DuPont Circle may be losing its lease. I have been there two, maybe three times in my life, and the last time the salesperson was very rude. There are enough other cutesy little shops in the city with politer staff -- I'm voting with my wallet and taking my business elsewhere.
JOY BOYS REUNION
I hear the Joy Boys are having a one-night reunion Thursday the 12th. Eddie Walker says he's a fan of my website.
I hear the Joy Boys are having a one-night reunion Thursday the 12th. Eddie Walker says he's a fan of my website.
WHAT WOMEN WANT
I asked my old boss, Jim Bohannon , if it is common for men in their twenties not to know what women want. Bohannon says when men are finally in their fifties they still don't know what women want, but at least they admit it. His question to me: "are you cradle-robbing toy-boys again?"
This evening, walking down Connecticut Avenue wearing a low-cut minidress, I noticed older men ogling me. Not bad, I guess.
I also see California Pizza Kitchen now offers its products frozen. Tempting, at first, but years ago one of my Italian students told me he never made pizza at home -- the only way to make it was in a wood-burning oven. That was reason for me to never make my own....
I asked my old boss, Jim Bohannon , if it is common for men in their twenties not to know what women want. Bohannon says when men are finally in their fifties they still don't know what women want, but at least they admit it. His question to me: "are you cradle-robbing toy-boys again?"
This evening, walking down Connecticut Avenue wearing a low-cut minidress, I noticed older men ogling me. Not bad, I guess.
I also see California Pizza Kitchen now offers its products frozen. Tempting, at first, but years ago one of my Italian students told me he never made pizza at home -- the only way to make it was in a wood-burning oven. That was reason for me to never make my own....
HERBERT THE PERVERT LIKES SHERBERT
Shana Davis from Phoenix, Arizona sent me this one:
Dr. Seuss books that never made it into print:
1. The Cat in the Blender
2. Are You My Proctologist?
3. Fox in Detox
4. Who Shat in the Hat?
5. Horton Hiress a Ho
6. The Lemon-Fresh Lorax
7. How the Grinch Stole Columbus Day
8. Your Colon Can Moo - Can You?
9. Zippy the Rapid Gerbil
10. One Bitch, Two Bitch, Dead Bitch, You Bitch
11. Marvin K. Mooney, Get the Fuck Out!
12. Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbert
13. The Bitch Set Me UP
14. I've Fallen and I Can't Get Up
15. Yentl the Lentil
16. My Pocket Rocket Needs a Socket
17. Aunts In My Pants
18. Hop On Mom
19. Oh, the Places You'll Scratch and Sniff!!
20. Horton Fakes an Orgasm
21. The Grinch's Ten Inches
Betty and I had sherbert for dessert last night. I told her about a guy I dated named Herbert who gave the impression of being a pervert. He probably likes sherbert, too, but would make his date pay for it and not share it with her.
Shana Davis from Phoenix, Arizona sent me this one:
Dr. Seuss books that never made it into print:
1. The Cat in the Blender
2. Are You My Proctologist?
3. Fox in Detox
4. Who Shat in the Hat?
5. Horton Hiress a Ho
6. The Lemon-Fresh Lorax
7. How the Grinch Stole Columbus Day
8. Your Colon Can Moo - Can You?
9. Zippy the Rapid Gerbil
10. One Bitch, Two Bitch, Dead Bitch, You Bitch
11. Marvin K. Mooney, Get the Fuck Out!
12. Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbert
13. The Bitch Set Me UP
14. I've Fallen and I Can't Get Up
15. Yentl the Lentil
16. My Pocket Rocket Needs a Socket
17. Aunts In My Pants
18. Hop On Mom
19. Oh, the Places You'll Scratch and Sniff!!
20. Horton Fakes an Orgasm
21. The Grinch's Ten Inches
Betty and I had sherbert for dessert last night. I told her about a guy I dated named Herbert who gave the impression of being a pervert. He probably likes sherbert, too, but would make his date pay for it and not share it with her.
Monday, June 09, 2003
THE PIG ATE MY POLIDENT
Went to see my girlfriend Betty in Philadelphia. She told me a story about one of her father's employees who called in and told her she would be late for work because her potbellied pig had got into the bathroom and eaten her husband's Polident tablets. Apparently Piggy was none the worse for the wear, but for the next couple days when he pooped, it sparkled.
Saw my doctor in Wilmington. She is evidently impressed because I have been able to remove my own warts with a razor blade and the CVS version of Compound-W. It makes me wonder -- she has pictures of sheep in her waiting room. Bought myself an aromatherapy starter kit at the Sandy Hollow Herb Company and a bag for my tarot cards at the Beehive Gift Shop. Had lunch with the Mensans at the Hotel Dupont. Judith says "it must be summer -- Jane's here." Dee gave me this url . Saw my old church -- was pleasantly surprised. Haven't felt that good about a church in a long time. When it closed down in 1996, that was one of the worst things that happened in my life -- almost as bad as having the great love of my life marry another woman. I always thought we would get married there, have our reception at the Hotel DuPont and live in Wilmington forever. As Tennessee Williams says, "time is the greatest distance between two places."
Went to see my girlfriend Betty in Philadelphia. She told me a story about one of her father's employees who called in and told her she would be late for work because her potbellied pig had got into the bathroom and eaten her husband's Polident tablets. Apparently Piggy was none the worse for the wear, but for the next couple days when he pooped, it sparkled.
Saw my doctor in Wilmington. She is evidently impressed because I have been able to remove my own warts with a razor blade and the CVS version of Compound-W. It makes me wonder -- she has pictures of sheep in her waiting room. Bought myself an aromatherapy starter kit at the Sandy Hollow Herb Company and a bag for my tarot cards at the Beehive Gift Shop. Had lunch with the Mensans at the Hotel Dupont. Judith says "it must be summer -- Jane's here." Dee gave me this url . Saw my old church -- was pleasantly surprised. Haven't felt that good about a church in a long time. When it closed down in 1996, that was one of the worst things that happened in my life -- almost as bad as having the great love of my life marry another woman. I always thought we would get married there, have our reception at the Hotel DuPont and live in Wilmington forever. As Tennessee Williams says, "time is the greatest distance between two places."
Sunday, June 08, 2003
KUM-BUY-YAH
No, I am not saying nasty things about people who make religion into a business, although Lord knows, there are enough of them, some of them in my family. This is a religious goods website I found -- kum-buy-yah.com -- which sells objects of just about all Christian faiths, and some others, too.
Today is Pentecost Sunday, not that I went to Church or anything. I used my Easter money to buy a little gold dove charm, which looks like the paintings of the Descent of the Holy Ghost, dive-bombing Our Lady and Jesus' apostles (minus Judas, who had since offed hiimself) on the first Pentecost. My father refers to it as "the little dive-bomber."
No, I am not saying nasty things about people who make religion into a business, although Lord knows, there are enough of them, some of them in my family. This is a religious goods website I found -- kum-buy-yah.com -- which sells objects of just about all Christian faiths, and some others, too.
Today is Pentecost Sunday, not that I went to Church or anything. I used my Easter money to buy a little gold dove charm, which looks like the paintings of the Descent of the Holy Ghost, dive-bombing Our Lady and Jesus' apostles (minus Judas, who had since offed hiimself) on the first Pentecost. My father refers to it as "the little dive-bomber."
MANHUNT
This morning on my way home from Smooth Jazz 105 I saw a whole bunch of cop cars on Wisconsin Avenue. A cop told me he was looking for someone and to take an alternate route. I had Thunder in the car with me. Lightning was with me at the site of the stabbing a couple weeks ago. You can't say my pigs don't get enough stimulation.
This morning on my way home from Smooth Jazz 105 I saw a whole bunch of cop cars on Wisconsin Avenue. A cop told me he was looking for someone and to take an alternate route. I had Thunder in the car with me. Lightning was with me at the site of the stabbing a couple weeks ago. You can't say my pigs don't get enough stimulation.
Saturday, June 07, 2003
SOME SAD NEWS
Metropolitan Washington Mensa member John Ross died earlier this month. He had evidently been suffering some personal problems. Funeral arrangements are pending.
Metropolitan Washington Mensa member John Ross died earlier this month. He had evidently been suffering some personal problems. Funeral arrangements are pending.
US PERSONNEL ATTACKED
There are reports of US personnel being attacked in Iraq. Well, duh, we attacked them first.
Celebrate Fairfax was closed early today because of the rain. Last fall WAVA's "Celebrate Families" was cancelled because of the snipers. Am I a curse?
I feel sorry for the vendors -- they lost a lot of money. The current weather is like the current economy -- two days of rain for every one day of sun.
There are reports of US personnel being attacked in Iraq. Well, duh, we attacked them first.
Celebrate Fairfax was closed early today because of the rain. Last fall WAVA's "Celebrate Families" was cancelled because of the snipers. Am I a curse?
I feel sorry for the vendors -- they lost a lot of money. The current weather is like the current economy -- two days of rain for every one day of sun.
Friday, June 06, 2003
ASSHOLES AT RADIO SHACK
Al Santos at Smooth Jazz 105.9
referred to me as "THE GODDESS." I like that.
I talked to my dad last nite -- he says don't get him a gift for Father's Day. OK. Mom wants to get him a cassette deck. I am gonna suggest Best Buy The people at Radio Shack are assholes, and their stuff breaks down immediately.
Al Santos at Smooth Jazz 105.9
referred to me as "THE GODDESS." I like that.
I talked to my dad last nite -- he says don't get him a gift for Father's Day. OK. Mom wants to get him a cassette deck. I am gonna suggest Best Buy The people at Radio Shack are assholes, and their stuff breaks down immediately.
STARTING FROM SCRATCH
metameat.net , from whence cometh the inspiration for this blog (or at least for this url) has really stripped down. I need to to that, clear out everything and start from scratch.
metameat.net , from whence cometh the inspiration for this blog (or at least for this url) has really stripped down. I need to to that, clear out everything and start from scratch.
SCOTT ON THE ROOF
I deal with the truly bizarre. A couple weeks ago I was told to call a radio station in New Mexico and ask for "Scott." I was told "Scott" was on the roof. Today I was told he had resigned. At least he didn't fall off. His receptionist did not find this humorous when I pointed this out.
I deal with the truly bizarre. A couple weeks ago I was told to call a radio station in New Mexico and ask for "Scott." I was told "Scott" was on the roof. Today I was told he had resigned. At least he didn't fall off. His receptionist did not find this humorous when I pointed this out.
Thursday, June 05, 2003
SAUSAGES!
I will be helping to staff the WMAL booth at Celebrate Fairfax tomorrow (Saturday) from 10 AM to 4PM EDT. We will be near a booth that sells sausages.
I will be helping to staff the WMAL booth at Celebrate Fairfax tomorrow (Saturday) from 10 AM to 4PM EDT. We will be near a booth that sells sausages.
MENSA SOCIALIZING?
I told my ex about my pigs, and he asked whether or not they humped each other. I said they just chase each other and sniff each others' butts -- that's guinea pig socializing. He says no, that's Mensa socizializing. He also referred to my pigs as "silly." Of course, they are no sillier than his cat, and have infinitely nicer personalities. Of course Thunder is growling at Lightning and Lightning is squeaking like a wounded mouse even as I type this.
Years ago I e-mailed a friend another Mensa caveat would be "not responsible for bad manners or poor hygiene of other guests." I'm told then nobody would come -- it would disqualify too many people.
I told my ex about my pigs, and he asked whether or not they humped each other. I said they just chase each other and sniff each others' butts -- that's guinea pig socializing. He says no, that's Mensa socizializing. He also referred to my pigs as "silly." Of course, they are no sillier than his cat, and have infinitely nicer personalities. Of course Thunder is growling at Lightning and Lightning is squeaking like a wounded mouse even as I type this.
Years ago I e-mailed a friend another Mensa caveat would be "not responsible for bad manners or poor hygiene of other guests." I'm told then nobody would come -- it would disqualify too many people.
Wednesday, June 04, 2003
Retarded Sheep!
Just found another great url -- The Retarded Sheep!
Sounds like a website for slow-witted perverts.
Just found another great url -- The Retarded Sheep!
Sounds like a website for slow-witted perverts.
Tuesday, June 03, 2003
Herb Brubaker, an all-round great guy and as my former boss, Jim Bohannon , says "as legitimate as they come," is reading this. That must make at least seven people, and Herb is not even related to me!
ADOPT A SLUG!
June is Adopt-a-Cat month. For some good links, go to Petfinder.com , Alley Cat Allies and the Animal Welfare League of Alexandria
Yesterday, one of my co-workers saw slugs mating on the Discovery Channel Years ago, my girlfriend's daughter had a pet slug named "Teardrop." When the little girl was admiring a lady's dog, the woman asked her if she had any pets, and the child replied "a pet slug." Her father was embarrassed -- thought people thought he was too cheap to buy her a dawg.
June is Adopt-a-Cat month. For some good links, go to Petfinder.com , Alley Cat Allies and the Animal Welfare League of Alexandria
Yesterday, one of my co-workers saw slugs mating on the Discovery Channel Years ago, my girlfriend's daughter had a pet slug named "Teardrop." When the little girl was admiring a lady's dog, the woman asked her if she had any pets, and the child replied "a pet slug." Her father was embarrassed -- thought people thought he was too cheap to buy her a dawg.
JANE'S RULES OF DATING
1) If you are holding a cold drink or cold food and your date is wearing a sleeveless dress, don't repeatedly grab her bare arm with your cold hand.
2) Don't tell your date how much you admire one of her female co-workers, even if it is on a purely spiritual level.
3) Don't bring a resume on a first date. Or a second one, for that matter.
More dating tips will follow
1) If you are holding a cold drink or cold food and your date is wearing a sleeveless dress, don't repeatedly grab her bare arm with your cold hand.
2) Don't tell your date how much you admire one of her female co-workers, even if it is on a purely spiritual level.
3) Don't bring a resume on a first date. Or a second one, for that matter.
More dating tips will follow
Monday, June 02, 2003
MAN! I FEEL LIKE A MORON!
I feel like a moron, and I deal with morons on a daily basis. This afternoon I called a radio station in Florida, and the receptionist told me to send an e-mail to "spots@***.com." In my state of innocence I asked if "Spots" was the guy's name, then I realized "spots" was a department like "news," "production," "traffic," etc. I tried to redeem myself by explaining I regularly deal with guys who call themselves "Scratch," "Captain Glen," and "Bubba the Love Sponge..."
I feel like a moron, and I deal with morons on a daily basis. This afternoon I called a radio station in Florida, and the receptionist told me to send an e-mail to "spots@***.com." In my state of innocence I asked if "Spots" was the guy's name, then I realized "spots" was a department like "news," "production," "traffic," etc. I tried to redeem myself by explaining I regularly deal with guys who call themselves "Scratch," "Captain Glen," and "Bubba the Love Sponge..."
There is a homeless guy in front of the Mayflower Hotel who mumbles obscenities at passersby. One afternoon as I was walking down K St., he mumbled something like "...stuck up your ass." On the way back up, he mumbled "bitch, iz you a ho'?" There is an article in the Metro section of yesterday's "Washington Post" about a man who compliments people, mostly on their shoes. He's called "the compliment man." I just figured he was a homeless footman.
Sunday, June 01, 2003
If you are reading this, you are probably reading this at blogspot.com. Despite what I said about blogger.com having ugly graphics and not being user-friendly, I decided to give it a try anyway -- blogspot.com looks cooler than a Geocities address, even though Geocities is more user-friendly and has nicer graphics.
Right now I am like a proud mother or a little girl with a new toy. Yeah, I realize it's sad when your "children" are either your blogs or your pigs. To read the rest of my blog or to e-mail me, click here
Right now I am like a proud mother or a little girl with a new toy. Yeah, I realize it's sad when your "children" are either your blogs or your pigs. To read the rest of my blog or to e-mail me, click here