CRAPPY NEW YEAR

Being that I am broke, and my social life sucks anyway, I actually volunteered to work tonight. I have not met anyone good on New Year's Eve for years, the only two guys I would like to be with are making themselves unvailable and I am not chasing them. For the past two years, I have come home with the same person -- her name is Rose.

I was gonna have brunch with my high school buds, but that fell through, so I am gonna return some gifts, eat Chinese, and have my own private video party at home.

Come to think of it, ten years ago I worked (involuntarily) New Year's Eve, and bitched about it. It was one of the weirder New Years, but little did I know how much my life would change in 1994.

Right now I am eating last week's leftovers, maybe a kind of symbolic ritual?

PEE ALL THAT YOU CAN PEE

In order to get the most out of my health plan before I ditch it or it runs out, whichever comes first, I am getting the most out of it by year's end. I saw the optometrist yesterday and the cardiologist today, the latter of whom ordered a urinalysis and bloodwork. The bloodwork was no problem, but I could not pee for the life of me. I had to drink two large coffees, and the wench in the coffee shop acted as though I had asked her to sacrifice her firstborn when I tried to pay with a twenty. Two years ago, I fell off a curb and wrecked my knee about 15 hours before I changed health plans. I didn't do anything about it, just because of the headaches which would have arisen from using two different health plans. Unfortunately, the knee got infected and looked like a cheese pizza. At least today they didn't have to catheterize me the way they did when I was 16.

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY

Today is my parents' 44th anniversary. They were married New Year's Eve 1959, like Eddie and Elise in the movie Diner. They met at the dinner party of a mutual friend in DC. Mom sez after she got serious about Dad, people started introducing her to other guys. Then, after they were married, some ex came looking for her at work. It figures.

20/20 HINDSIGHT

Well, my dad is doing better than originally suspected. With 20/20 hindsight, Mom said she got a bad tarot reading on him before he went into the hospital. Grandma called to say she had had a bad dream, and I was in a badass mood the whole weekend. After he got out of the hospital, it felt as though a boil had been lanced.

KAZAA #1 FOR THE YEAR

KaZaA is #1 of the Lycos 50 for 2003.

NINE WEEKS

It's been nine weeks since the robbery. About a week ago I was on an elevator with three guys and I thought "If one of them attacks me, I have an umbrella." Of course, one of them has an umbrella with a stiletto point.
In the past week I have seen all kinds of people on TV who suffer horrible afflictions, yet concentrate on being Santa Claus to others, rather than on themselves. I admire them.

Rita and Dallas agree it would be a mistake to rob Cassandra. Rita sez she could talk in her guy voice, Dallas says she would outnumber an attacker three to one, and I say she could either sit on the attacker or show him her incision, therefore fucking him up for life.

SPURRIER RESIGNS

Steve Spurrier resigned this morning. Go Gators?

MAD PIG DISEASE

Picked up the pigs at the vet's. Fowler wanted to know whether they had mad pig disease. I looked like heck, so naturally there was a hot guy there. He sat as far away from me as possible. Lightning is up to 2.4 lbs -- Thunder is up to 2.7. The vet tech called him "fatboy."

DESCENT INTO HELL

"He descended into hell"

The Apostles' Creed

Flew in from Sarasota this morning, the descent both times was murder -- like having nails driven into my eyebrows. It took about seven hours for my right ear to unstop. John Irving calls the Sunday after Thanksgiving the loneliest night of the year, but the Sunday after Christmas and New Year's are not much fun, either, especially if you're sick.

I am also out of shape, broke and my condo's a wreck -- in addition to that I work for men who don't respect me and I date men who don't respect me. There is much room for improvement.

STEINBRENNER HOSPITALIZED

George Steinbrenner has been hospitalized at Sarasota Memorial Hospital, where my parents and a lot of their friends have been patients. I have not been yet.

TOE JOB

Got out of bed long enough to get an eyebrow wax, manicure and pedicure, complete with a new toe ring. I try to convince myself I will someday be able to breathe through my left nostril again.

HAPPY RETURNS

This is the latest I've ever started my post-Christmas shopping. Still, I've already purchased 50% of next year's Christmas cards.

VULGAR ASSHOLES

"where do you pick up these vulgar assholes?"

Mary Hautanen on her daughter's lifestyle choice

Tonight when Madame Chiang Kai Shek and older women who prefer younger men came up, I kept my mouth shut.

TYPHOID JANEY

My parents' friends have invited us over for drinks, provided I don't have a fever. I feel like Typhoid Mary.

WAR IS OVER

If you want it.

MERRY CHRISTMAS

"God bless us each and every one"

Tiny Jane

And thank God for ready-made gift-bags.

YES, VIRGINIA

There is a Santa Claus. For about the last 16 hours I have been running a fever with chills, eating everything I can to clear my head. This is someserious snot.

MAN! I FEEL LIKE A MORON! II

Went to Publix and asked the dumb inbred where the Kosher section was. When this failed, I asked for the international food section. Then it was my turn to feel stupid at Westfield Shopping Town. I went to the piercing booth ad asked what some little round objects were. The nice young woman informed me they were plugs. I bit the bullet and asked which body part they plugged and she told me the ear. Then she showed me her earlobe, which looked red and angry. I wanted to ask "Jesus, that looks painful! Is it infected?" I would not say this was a good advertisement.

TO LOVE SOMEBODY

It's a light,
Certain kind of light
That never shines on me
And I want my life to be
(To live with you)
(To live with you)
There's a way that
Everybody says
I've got to do each and every little thing, yeah,
But what good will it bring
(Iif I ain't got you?)
(If I ain't got you?)
Baby

You don't know what it's like
You don't know what it's like
To love somebody
To love somebody
The way I love you

If I pray,
I see your face again,
And God knows I pray every night
Woman, how could you be so bad?
(Aand I'm sad,)
(So, so sad)
I'm a man, yeah
Can't see what I am
When I'm livin' I'm breathin' you
But what good will breathin' do
(If I ain't got you?)
(If I ain't got you?)
Baby

You don't know what it's like
You don't know what it's like
To love somebody
To love somebody
The way I love you
To love somebody
To love somebody
The way I love you

Yes, I see your face again
Woman, you know I pray every night, yeah
Baby, how could you be so blind?
(And I'm sad,)
(So, so sad)
I'm a full grown man, yeah
Can't you see what I am?
When I'm livin' I breathe with you, yeah,
Yeah, yeah,
But what what good will breathin' do
(If I ain't got you?)
(If I ain't got you?)
God knows, baby (baby)

You don't know what it's like
You don't know what it's like
To love somebody
To love somebody
The way I love you
You don't know what it's like
You don't know what it's like
To love somebody
To love somebody
The way that I love you

To love somebody
To love somebody
The way that I
Love you
To love somebody
To love somebody
The way that I
Love you, baby
(To love somebody, to love somebody) Give it to me, give it to me, give it to me
(The way that I) Baby, baby, I love, I, I love you
(Love you) I love, I love, I love, I love you
(To love somebody, to love somebody) Give it to me, baby. Don't you leave me
(The way that I)You know I need you by my side
(Love you)You're drivin' me crazy. Baby, don't
(To love somebody, To love somebody) Oh, please
Baby, yeah

You don't know what it's like
You don't know what it's like
To love somebody
To love somebody
The way that I...
Love...
- Good God -
You...

To Love Somebody by the Bee Gees.Michael Bolton

Heard this on my parents' car radio. Somehow Michael Bolton can't convey the feeling of anguish Barry Gibb does. As Beavis and Butthead said, Michael Bolton can make any song suck.

HILTON # 1 AGAIN

Paris Hilton is #1 of the Lycos 50 again. Just when you thought it was safe go back to the Internet.

EIGHT WEEKS

Eight weeks since the robbery.

MY COUSIN DAVID

My cousin David died thirty years ago today. He would have been 50 yesterday. We spent Christmas Eve in a funeral home. He bled to death. He was an AB Negative. At the time I was too young to donate. I remember my grandmother's tears flowing down the lid of his casket.

AT MY PARENTS'

Arrived at my parents' yesterday. Feeling pretty bad but better now -- didn't put on clothes until about two hours ago.

SATELLITE

Heard the new Dave Matthews song, Satellite, on Mix 107. It sucks (the song, not Mix 107). It has all of Dave Matthews' insufferable qualities with none of his sufferable ones.

A DREAM

Dreamt I got a job as a wetnurse. Don't know what to make of it.

DARK NIGHT OF THE SOUL

Today is the first day of winter. The sun will go down one minute later each day, but for a while it will start coming up later, too. Can't figure that out, but it will be nice to get at least one minute more of sun every evening.. Having worked nights for at least 13 years, I understand why we have Hanukkah, Christmas, Lucia Day, Yul, Solstice, Divali...

UNHAPPY ANNIVERSARY

On this day in 1988 nearly 300 people were killed in Lockerbie, Scotland. Hard to believe it's been 15 years.

POOFIE TOMATO'S BLOG

Another great blog title taken!

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT

In the last couple weeks I have received fake e-mails claiming to be from Earthlink and E-Bay, saying there is something wrong with my credit card and to e-mail them my information. Right. The "Earthlink" e-mail had a Prodigy return address and I've never bought or sold anything on E-bay in my life. How dumb is that?

THREE DOWN ONE TO GO

Three Christmas parties down, one to go, sent out my last Christmas card yesterday, have all my gifts purchased except one. At least I don't have to bring a covered dish to this party. Or deal with someone's bratty kid picking up lasagne with his bare hands.

NEW COMPUTER

Waiting for the new laptop --ordered it Tuesday.

I BELIEVE IN FATHER CHRISTMAS

They said there'll be snow at Christmas
They said there'll be peace on Earth
But instead it just kept on raining
A veil of tears for the VIRGIN BIRTH
I remember one Christmas morning
A winters light and a distant choir
And the peal of a bell and that Christmas Tree smell
AND EYES full of tinsel and fire

They sold me a dream of Christmas
They sold me a Silent Night
And they told me a fairy story
'Till I believed in the Israelite
And I believed in Father Christmas
And I looked to the sky with excited eyes
'Till I woke with a yawn in the first light of dawn
And I saw him and through his disguise

I wish you a hopeful Christmas
I wish you a brave New Year
All anguish pain and sadness
Leave your heart and let your road be clear
They said there'll be snow at Christmas
They said there'll be peace on Earth
Hallelujah Noel be it Heaven or Hell
The Christmas we get we deserve

by Emerson, Lake and Palmer

Heard this one today. I remember hearing it on Armed Forces Radio during my last December in Germany, thinking, "this may be my last Christmas vacation here." I was about to head back to America out of necessity -- I was spinning my wheels in Germany, but there was really nothing to return to in America, no job, no boyfriend, nothing to look forward to except more school. Little did I now within about three years from then, I would have a master's degree, be an on-air reporter and anchor and meet the love of my life. Three years ago I was a network producer, but not getting the money or respect due one -- within a month I was unemployed. Be interesting to see what's ahead three years from now.

FIRST HANUKKAH

Happy First Hanukkah!

MALVO CONVICTED

Lee Boyd Malvo was convicted today.

BAH, HUMBUG!II

Two Christmas parties down, two to go. Having to bring a covered dish is not festive when you have three jobs. And what about the assholes who bring Tostitos and salsa in the jar when everyone else brings ham, turkey, seafood and nice desserts? Cindy, who commutes from West Virginia and has at least one kid, agrees.

SALUDOS DE LOS TRES AMIGOS

Just when I said nothing to blog about, Christmas greetings from the Three Amigos.

NOTHING TO BLOG ABOUT

Nothing to blog about at this point.

FIRST IN FLIGHT

Today marks the 100th anniversary of the Wright Brothers' first flight. They never had September 11th in mind.

FIRE THIS ASSHOLE

Best blog title I've seen in a long time.

RESTLESS NIGHT

Had a restless night, chest pains, PVC's, trouble breathing, probably sympathy for my father.

THE DEVOURING

Finished Bury Me Standing. To think all this was going on in Europe while I was dealing with housemates and boyfriends in Delaware. Maybe it was a good thing I left Europe when I did.

GOOD THOUGHTS

Good thoughts appreciated.

janedoe@seductive.com

KAZAA # 1

KaZaA is #1 of the Lycos 50. this week. Whew!

SEVEN WEEKS

Seven weeks ago today I was robbed. Today I found out my father was hospitalized over the weekend with acute congestive heart failure. Tuesdays must not be good days.

WHO SHAT IN THE HAT?

Catholic Exchange takes a dim view of The Cat in the Hat. About a year or two ago some guy on All Things Considered referred to the cat as a "polymorphous being of indeterminate sexuality" and to Thing One and Thing Two as genital references. I'd hate to think of what he says about "Hop on Pop" and "there's a Wocket in my Pocket."

RING OF FIRE

Love Is A Burning Thing
And It Makes A Fiery Ring
Bound By Wild Desire
I Fell Into A Ring Of Fire
CHORUS:
I Fell Into A Burning Ring Of Fire
I Went Down, Down, Down
And The Flames Went Higher

And It Burns, Burns, Burns
The Ring Of Fire
The Ring Of Fire

I Fell Into A Burning Ring Of Fire
I Went Down, Down, Down
And The Flames Went Higher

And It Burns, Burns, Burns
The Ring Of Fire
The Ring Of Fire

The Taste Of Love Is Sweet
When Hearts Like Ours Meet
I Fell For You Like A Child
Oh, But The Fire Went Wild
CHORUS
I Fell Into A Burning Ring Of Fire
I Went Down, Down, Down
And The Flames Went Higher

And It Burns, Burns, Burns
The Ring Of Fire
The Ring Of Fire
I Fell Into A Burning Ring Of Fire
I Went Down, Down, Down
And The Flames Went Higher

And It Burns, Burns, Burns
The Ring Of Fire
The Ring Of Fire

And It Burns, Burns, Burns

The Ring Of Fire

The Ring Of Fire

By Johnny Cash

I was about two when I first heard this. Back then I had no idea what he was talking about

HONORED CHILDREN

Here's the story. I work for men who don't pay me what I"m worth or give me the respect I deserve and I date men who won't commit. This weeeknd I rented the Joy Luck Club. I think the characters I relate most to are An Mei's mother and Rose, not knowing what they're worth. After the mother's suicide, Wu Tsing agrees to raise An-Mei and her brother as his honored children--it's too bad someone has to die for An-Mei to realize this. The question is, what do I have to do to get these men to give my what I'm worth, personally, financially, professionally? What do I have to do to be recognized as the honored child?

SADDAM ARRESTED?

ABC reports Saddam Hussein has been arrested in Tikrit.

THE THIRD SUNDAY OF ADVENT

Veni, veni Emmanuel!
Captivum solve Israel!
Qui gemit in exsilio,
Privatus Dei Filio.

Gaude, gaude, Emmanuel
Nascetur pro te, Israel.

Veni, o Sapientia,
Quae hic disponis omnia,
Veni, viam prudentiae
Ut doceas et gloriae.

Gaude, gaude, Emmanuel
Nascetur pro te, Israel.

Veni, veni Adonai!
Qui populo in Sinai
Legem dedisti vertice,
In Majestate gloriae.

Gaude, gaude, Emmanuel
Nascetur pro te, Israel.


Veni, o Jesse virgula,
Ex hostis tuos ungula,
De specu tuos tartari
Educ et antro barathri.

Gaude, gaude, Emmanuel
Nascetur pro te, Israel.

Veni, Clavis Davidica,
Regna reclude caelica,
Fac iter tutum superum,
Et claude vias inferum.

Gaude, gaude, Emmanuel
Nascetur pro te, Israel.


Veni, veni o Oriens!
Solare nos adveniens,
Noctis depelle nebulas,
Dirasque noctis tenebras.

Gaude, gaude, Emmanuel
Nascetur pro te, Israel.

Veni, veni, Rex gentium,
veni, Redemptor omnium,
Ut salvas tuos famulos
Peccati sibi conscios.

Gaude, gaude, Emmanuel
Nascetur pro te, Israel.


janedoe@seductive.com

SICK AND TWISTED PEOPLE

Core did an appearance at the Shops of Bethesda, promoting Miller's furs giveaway and a nearby pet shop. O'Brien sez this is a good thing -- if you don't win the fur coat, you can raise your own.

GO GATORS

Am watching the Gators game on ESPN, lusting after the players, some of whom are young enough to be my son...

NEW COMPUTER

My $250 gift certificate from American Express arrived today -- I'm using it for a Dell Inspiron laptop. I realize Americans are preoccupied with things, and there are people in some countries who have worse computers than mine, but when I find myself getting up early or being late for work to check my e-mails, it's time to get a new puter.

COME AND GET IT

Here you come knockin’ on my door baby
Tell me what you got on your mind
I guess those college boys all went home for the summertime
And you’re lookin’ right, lookin’ good, lookin’ like a woman should
So why is it so hard to find
A place to lay your pretty little head down once in a while
You run on a little tough luck baby
Don’t you sweat it
Everything is waiting inside for you
You know I got it
Come and get it

Who’s your daddy, who’s your baby?
Who’s your buddy, who’s your friend?

And who’s the one guy that you come runnin’ to
When your lovelife starts tumblin’?
I got the money if you got the honey
Let’s cut a deal let’s make a plan

Who’s your daddy, who’s your baby?
Who’s your buddy, who’s your man?

You might’ve run on a little tough luck baby
Don’t you sweat it
Everything is waiting inside for you
You know I got it
So come and get it

Who’s your daddy, who’s your baby?
Who’s your buddy, who’s your man?


Who's Your Daddy by Toby Keith

THIS WEEKEND

Mix 107 reports there's a marrow donor drive for a Murch Elementary School teacher this weekend. Also, Thunder and Lightning's Aunt Amy will be appearing at Fresh Fields in Clarendon Saturday.

My grandfather, John Hautamaki, died of leukemia in 1953, the year Joseph Stalin died and the year my cousin David was born. I registered as a marrow donor with my church over a year ago, but have heard nothing. I don't know whether to be relieved that no one with my genetic makeup needs a marrow transplant because we're all healthy, or scared because there's no one like me in the world with my genetic makeup. At least if I am missing like Chandra Levy or Annmarie Fahey, it won't be hard to get genetic information on me. I was also part of two NIH studies and I have been in the practice of Dr. Lupita Roca since I was about four years old. The woman has a file on me about the size of a phone book.

SENILE DELINQUENTS

The latest CVS spot shows a bunch of old people involved in teenage pranks. The idea is now that CVS fills their prescriptions on time, they have more time on their hands to get into mischief. This is insulting and misleading because it implies 1) Senior citizens are sickly and on all kinds of medications 2) Young people DON'T get sick and require medication 3) CVS actually has the prescription in stock. There's nothing like driving around at 6 o'clock on a rainy saturday morning because the DuPont circle store doesn't have the medication it said it did.

OVER MY HEAD

You can take me to paradise
And then again you can be cold as ice
I'm over my head
But it sure feels nice

You can take me anytime you like
I'll be around if you think you might
Love me baby
And hold me tight
Your mood is like a circus wheel
You're changing all the time
Sometimes I can't help but feel
That I'm wasting all of my time

Think I'm looking on the dark side
But everyday you hurt my pride
I'm over my head
But it sure feels nice
I'm over my head
But it sure feels nice


By Christine McVie

Christine McVie is so cool. I should be so cool. My ex boyfriend refered to her as "die coole Blondine."

HOW DEPRESSING

Saw Diane Keaton on Leno, talking about kissing Keanu Reeves, and saying she prefers guys her own age. Maybe I should take the hint.

janedoe@seductive.com

MR. JIFFY MAN

On June 29th I wrote I was offended by the Jiffy Lubespot in which the older woman comes on to the Jiffy lube guy. As an older woman who prefers younger men, I was insulted, however, after seeing the TV version, i realize the guy is about her age , and she's not as old and frail as she sounds. More power to both of them.

MAKE YOUR OWN SPERM!

I heard on All Things Considered scientists have made mouse sperm -- someday maybe they'll be able to make human sperm. Think of what this could mean for single women.

EIGHT CRAZY NIGHTS

Got my first Hanukkah gift -- nipple huggers. The donor gave me a dildo last Hanukkah and a dirty book for my birthday. Mazel Tov!

PAUL SIMON DEAD

US Senator Paul Simon (D-IL) died today. I had the pleasure of meeting him once at the Lincoln Day dinner in Delaware. I asked the senator how he became interested in Abraham Lincoln and he told me when he was elected to the Illinois state legislature, he wanted a book on Lincoln's term in that law-making body. Finding no book, he wrote one of his own.

EARTHQUAKE!

We had an earthquake this afternoon. I would have been at home or in my car -- didn't feel it. About 12 years ago I remember an earthquake in Delaware. Our house was near a freight line. I was watching TV, felt the quake and wondered why the vibration was coming from the back of the house instead of the front, the way it usually did. One of my high school (and elementary school) classmates was in an elevator on the 13th floor during the Seattle earthquake. He said it was the longest minute of his life.

SIX WEEKS

It's been six weeks since the robbery. This morning was a sunny one, just like October 28th, but there were fewer leaves on the trees. Maybe that kid would have been scared by greater visibility or put off by the cold. Funny, I was wearing a gold watch, a gold bracelet, a diamond ring, diamond earrings and a diamond necklace and he didn't take those -- just cash. I took part in a CDC survey on chronic fatigue patients who have undergone a traumatic experience. I have not been diagnosed with liver disease, cancer, lupus or multiple sclerosis, so I guess I've been lucky.

HILTON #1 AGAIN

Paris Hilton is # 1 of the Lycos 50 again. Good Lord.

WEAR IT IN GOOD HEALTH

Just in time for Hanukkah, the Rabbi's Daughters with Jewish T-shirts and tank tops. I want the one which says "shiksa." Unfortunately, there are none which say "the fat shiksa your brother's dating" or "the older shiksa who's dating your son."

SHE PICKED JASON

Melana on Average Joe picked Jason over Adam. Looks do matter. Of course, who am I to talk? And why doesn't Adam shave? Tonight at dinner I explained to Roger why I never got married--I stayed with the wrong guy for six years because I didn't think I could do better. Of course, the first one being gay didn't make matters better....

DIRTY ROGER

I had dinner with my friend Roger tonight. Roger Fouts, the famous primatologist, had a chimp named "Washoe," whom he trained to use sign language. One of the signs he taught her was "dirty," which referred to feces, soiled clothing, or other things he didn't want her touching. When she got mad at him, she signed "dirty Roger." When I get mad at Roger, which isn't often, I call him "dirty Roger." I went to high school with a kid called "Rodger," but I don't think I ever called him "dirty Rodger."

AVERAGE JOE

Tonight is the series finale of Average Joe -- I hear they're doing a sequal in Hawaii. Executive Producer Andrew Glassman tells Philly.com he considers himself a geek. Funny, I always thought Glassman was everything a woman would want....

BAH HUMBUG!

Except for one gift for my parents, which I can't get here, I have completed my Christmas shopping and have some of my gifts for next year. My Christmas card list is complete, too.

I have three different categories of cards: 1) Weird, off the wall, possibly politically incorrect, 2) traditional/religious 3) and those with little/no text and holiday neutral for my friends and relatives who have no sense of humor, don't celebrate christmas and/or don't read English. Fortunately, non of them fall into all three of the last category, except for maybe one.

This year is an odd-numbered year, which means for the most part, the only people who will get cards from me will be those who sent them last year. E-mails and phone calls don't count. This applies even to people who are related to me. Also, if you piss me off, you won't get a card, even if you DID send me one last year.

PEARL HARBOR DAY

Today is Pearl Harbor Day. It is because of the Japanese that my last name is Hautanen. My father's real name is Hautamaki, but he is not Japanese. In law school, there was one Asian guy, and people thought he was Ed Hautamaki. After school, my dad became partner at a Law Firm in Tacoma, called Graves and Hautamaki. During the 50's there was a lot of anti-Japanese prejudice on the West Coast, and people would call my Dad and ask whether he was Japanese. He figured this was losing him business, so he changed his name to "Hautanen."
During the 2002 Olympics, the guy who won the silver or the bronze medal in the ski-jumping competition was named Hautamaki. It freaked me out to hear it on TV.

Our great-grandfather was Abraham Hautamaki. He came to America from Finland. His wife was Christiana Periahu. They had nine children, seven of whom survived to adulthood. Grandma Christina was very mystical, relying heavily on a ouija board. I think it bothers my father when Mom and I read tarot cards together.

One of their sons was John Edward Hautamaki, whom I was named after. His wife was Hilda Kuvaja, another immigrant. She was ten years older than he was, which would explain my predilection for younger men. Her father had three wives and at least twelve children. There were at least two siblings I know of who came to America, Uncle Carl and Aunt Lena. Aunt Lena lived in New York, her children and grandchildren branched out to Brooklyn, Long Island and New Jersey. I wonder how different our lives would have been if our grandmother Hilda had stayed in New York.

ANOTHER SHOOTING

A guy was shot in the face around five PM about two blocks from the ABC building this weekend. Jeez.

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY TO ME

I think today is the anniversary of my first communion. Maybe I should go to church tomorrow.

OH, WHAT A NIGHT

My Lord, what a morning. Last night some asshole from Verizon called trying to sell me DSL, so that ruined my sleep for the rest of the night. There's a winter storm warning and when I get to work ENCO is down. Then the morning guy comes in early, sick as a dog, puking in the next room while I'm trying to eat dinner and no one returns my phone calls. At least now the sun is shining the the storm warning has been lifted.

FOREIGN AND FUCKED UP

"There's fucked up and then there's foreign and fucked up"

John Irving

"There's stupid. And there's foreign. And there's stupid foreigners"

Jane Hautanen

I had to deal with two of them at lunch today. The wheel is turning, but the fucking hamster is long dead.

THE BIG NEWS

The big news for today is we are in the middle of a winter storm and supposed to have the worst flu outbreak in over 20 years. I woke up with the mother of all headaches last night, but have got myself sufficiently hydrated, caffeinated, sugared...the woman next to me is talking about how many inches we've had, and I just smile...

MCLEAN COUPLE ROBBED

A couple was robbed at gunpoint in McLean Tuesday night. I guess no one's safe.

WHAT WOMEN WANT

"I don't want a lot for Christmas
There's just one thing I need
I don't care about presents
Underneath the Christmas tree
I just want you for my own
More than you could ever know
Make my wish come true
All I want for Christmas is you.

I don't want a lot for Christmas
There is just one thing I need
I don't care about presents
underneath the Christmas tree
I don't need to hang my stocking
There upon the fireplace
Santa Claus won't make me happy
With a toy on Christmas day
I just want you for for my own
More than you could ever know
Make my wish come true
All I want for Christmas is you
You baby

I won't ask for much this Christmas
I won't even wish for snow
I'm just gonna keep on waiting
Underneath the mistletoe
I won't make a list and send it
To the North Pole for Saint Nick
I won't even stay awake to
Hear those magic reindeer click
'Cause I just want you here tonight
Holding on to me so tight
What more can I do
Baby all I want for Christmas is you
You

All the lights are shining
So brightly everywhere
And the sound of children's
Laughter fills the air
And everyone is singing
I hear those sleigh bells ringing
Santa won't you bring me the one I really need
Won't you please bring my baby to me

Oh, I don't want a lot for Christmas
This is all I'm asking for
I just want to see my baby
Standing right outside my door
Oh I just want him for my own
More than you could ever know
Make my wish come true
Baby all I want for Christmas is
You

All I want for Christmas is you baby
All I want for Christmas is you baby."

-Mariah Carey and Walter Afanasieff

SHOPPING DONE

Except for a few minor gifts for my parents, all my generic winter holiday shopping is done.

SHIT!

I forgot it's Advent.

FIVE WEEKS

It's been five weeks since the robbery. Sunday night I saw two guys dressed like hoods. My first thought was "are they gonna rob me?" After that I saw some of the guys who normally play chess on Dupont Circle. They evidently winter at Joe Muggs. They were just having fun, but I wondered, "would any of them rob me?" I still think of the assassination attempt on George Wallace. My parents made me watch it on the evening news, over and over again, even though I begged them to turn the TV off. I remember thinking I would be shot, and wondering, "will it hurt?" On Channel 7 there was a piece on a guy called the "second-story" burglar, named so because of his ability to break into second-story windows. Despite 18 convictions, the judge sentenced him to live in a halfway house and undergo drug treatment, hoping if he gets help for his drug habit, he won't want to steal anymore. Right. They say most violent crime victims know their attackers. I don't think I ever saw this kid in my life. On thanksgiving Day we talked about the robbery. George, with his usual tact said, "if things had gone differently, we'd be looking at Jane's picture." I can just see it, a framed picture of me with a candle in front of it, surrounded by flowers, on the coffee table. I wonder which picture they'd use?

HILTON #1 AGAIN

Paris Hilton is #1 of the Lycos 50 again. This is getting old.

SPIDERMAN

Watched Spiderman twice. The special effects were great. Obviously, there was the theme of good vs evil, including the idea of one person being good and evil, the love triangle, and rivalry between friends. But what is with the casting? Hell, some of those "teenagers" looked almost as though they could be my age. Kirsten Dunst looks older than Tobey Maguire , even though she's about seven years younger. And what's with Peter's "aunt" and "uncle?" They could be his grandparents, for God's sake. Interesting that all three of the main characters come from non-traditional families. I guess that's something kids of this generation can relate to, as opposed to parents who stayed together even if it was just out of spite, as Woody Allen said. Honestly, watching some of the crime scenes was kind of uncomfortable for me. Where was Spiderman when I needed him? I remember when I was about seven years old I was watching TV and Mom said "instead of watching that silly Spiderman, you could be doing something else." Little did mom know, as an adult I would be dating Spiderman, or at least someone who looks like him.

WORLD AIDS DAY

Today is World AIDS Day.

LIED TO BY THE MEDIA

Ok, or at least exaggerated to, or misled. All morning I heard on WMAL and WTOP that malls would be packed and no one would get any parking. This was not true, at least not in Pentagon City. While I didn't get the perfect parking space, there was still plenty of parking available. Tiffany's and Banana Republic were moderately to very busy, but not mobbed.

The media did this a couple years ago with the post office, saying there were long lines everywhere, and you might as well camp out to mail a letter. When I got to the Adams-Morgan post office, I was the only one there. The clerk said she wished the media wouldn't do that.

PERFORMANCE EVALUATIONS

Germania sent these, too:

These are actual quotes taken from Federal Government employee
performance evaluations.


1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and
has started to dig."

2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."

3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a
definite won't be."

4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat

in a trap."

5. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change
feet."

6. "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."

7. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

8. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to
achieve them."

9. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

10. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the
better."

11. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all
together.."

12. "A gross ignoramus--144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

13. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."

14. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."

15. "He's been working with glue too much."

16. "He would argue with a signpost."

17. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

18. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

19. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other

one."

20. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

21. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."

22. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."

23. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't
coming."

24. "He's got two brains, one is lost and the other is out looking for

it."

25. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a
week."

26. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

27. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."

28. "Nice person, but about as sharp as a sack full of wet mice. "

29. "One neuron short of a synapse."

30. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."

31. "Takes him 2 hours to watch '60-minutes'."

32. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

THINKING OUTSIDE THE BOX

Shake it, Babe

IS A BEAR CATHOLIC?

Germania sent this:

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods.

What majestic trees!

What powerful rivers!

What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes
behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7 foot grizzly charge towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw
that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again, and
the bear was even closer.

He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw
the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising
his right paw to strike him. At that instant the Atheist cried out: "Oh my
God!..."

Time stopped.

The bear froze.

The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky:

"You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist,
and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you
out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me
to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could you
make the BEAR a Christian?"

"Very well," said the voice.

The light went out.

The sounds of the forest resumed.

Then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together and bowed
his head and spoke:

"Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty
through
Christ our Lord. Amen."

OVERSLEPT

Overslept, had to rush to work, but the extra hour of sleep did me good.

ANGRY YOUNG (OK, MIDDLE-AGED) SHOPPER

6:00 Michael's has an offer "60% off on any one non-sale item." They open their doors at 6 AM -- I am there 20 minutes early. When I get in, I find the item I want is a "sale" item, so I only get about 30% off.

7:00 AC Moore offers 50% off non-sale items all day. I do better there -- the doors open a couple minutes early, the people are friendly and I actually get 50% off.

7:00 Books A Million offers "20-44%" off for club members. The only books I want are 20%, not 44% off, and two of the three are only available in the "special edition," so I don't save that much anyway.

8:00 Borders does not open early, and the only "deal" they offer is "buy four books, get the fifth free." BFHD.

8:00 Yankee Candles only has one small table of "sale" items, nothing I want. At least Macy's validates my parking.

9:00 Jo Ann Fabrics doesn't even open early, and there is only one cashier, but at least I get a good deal on some gel wax.

10:00 Pearl Crafts doesn't open early on the busiest shopping day of the year, and offers "72% off on some items." The only two items I want are not marked down at all.

Come on, people. I worked all night. I was at Michael's 20 minutes before it opened. I nearly froze to death standing there. I drove around in the rain looking for a parking space and risked getting ticketed once I found one, and all you offer is discounts on "some items?" Consumers are angry. For almost three years, a lot of us have worked our asses off for very little and we have to buy four books to get a fifth one free? We want more than that. We want the 72% discount promised to us, and we want it gift-wrapped.


janedoe@seductive.com

W IN IRAQ

For those of you who've been living in a cave, President Bush has gone to and come back from Iraq. I remember the day before hearing some radio reporter giving the Bushes' Thanksgiving menu as a ruse, and thinking "how lame. Talk about a slow news day." Then after it was all over, Ann Compton talked about how everyone was surprised with the whole thing -- hardly anyone had been told. It reminds me of past "non-stories" or those which sounded so ridiculous I didn't believe them, then I kicked myself afterwards for missing them.

I AM THANKFUL FOR....

Okay, so this may sound self-centered and materialistic. Hey, it's my blog and it's what I'm thankful for.

1) Both my parents and my grandmother are alive and in reasonably good health.

2) I am reasonably healthy, even if I don't always feel good, I at least have the strength (willpower?) to drag myself from one job to another. Even though I am paying $309 per month out of pocket for health insurance, it allows me to go to any doctor or hospital I want to, and I can use it as a tax deduction.

3) I have enough food to eat, and don't have to rely on a food bank, even though I make the wrong choices and eat too much junk food/convenience food.

4) I have a roof over my head in a neighborhood a lot of people would kill to live in, and I pay an absurdly low amount to live there. Even though my condo looks awful now, someday I will get my act together.

5) Even though I have to work three jobs, I am working at one of the top ten stations in a top ten market. Some people would do my job for free.

6) My pigs.

7) Home equity lines of credit and 0% APR credit cards, which I ditch as soon as the APR goes up.

8) Technology which allows me to start my holiday shopping early without leaving my computer, get cash in the middle of the night on a holiday, put gas in my car without dealing with an attendant, refill my prescriptions, which improve my life, by phone, talk to relatives hundreds of miles away while I'm in my car and reheat the mashed potatoes in a plastic bowl within seconds.

HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS

Because I have three jobs and no money, I am home for the holidays, home being DC, as opposed to visiting relatives in Florida, Pennsylvania etc. Maybe this is not a bad thing. The friendly folks at Blockbuster have a rent-one-get-one-free deal, so I will spend part of the holiday weekend watching two Tobey Maguire films. I had dinner at Fuckhead's. I brought Fuckhead a ham, but this time I was not white enough to cook it.

EDDIE GALLAHER DEAD

Former WASH morning man Eddie Gallaher died today. He was 89.

THUNDER'S TASTE IN MUSIC

I am listening to the new Smooth Jazz CD and Michael McDonald comes out with his rendition of "Heard it through the Grapevine." Thunder makes his"brrr" sound, which means he's aroused, either positively or negatively. I can't tell which, or whether he likes Marvin Gaye or hates Michael McDonald.

OLD INJURY

My left ankle is hurting me tonight. It does that in cold weather or when my resistance is down. It happened first when I was in graduate school. I was skiing in Austria and wiped out, twisting my left ankle about 180 degrees with ski and boot still on it. I was wearing my boyfriend's friend's skis and my first thought when I opened my eyes was "oh, no, Babsi's skis."

FOUR WEEKS

It's been four weeks since the robbery. Just when I was starting to forget, I got my cell phone bill today, chronicalling the robbery: 911, Bethesda, Maryland, Sarasota, Florida, Binghamton, New York, Falls Church, Virginia. Then there was the one I didn't make -- Alexandria, Virginia. He says he wishes I had called him as I was standing there on the sidewalk, waiting for the cops to show up. I wish I had.

HILTON # 1 AGAIN

Paris Hilton is #1 of the Lycos 50 for last week. Don't people think of anything else?

STARS AND STRIPES

On a lighter note, the president pardoned the official White House turkey, "Stars," who will go live at a petting zoo in Virginia. To keep him company, W pardoned a second turkey, "Stripes." I guess turkeys, like pigs are sociable animals.

DEATH PENALTY RECOMMENDED

Jurors have recommended the death penalty for John Muhammad.

THE DOOR IN THE FLOOR

A Widow for One Year is being made into a movie, The Door in the Floor . I was depressed at the idea of Kim Basinger playing an "older woman," then I realized she's older than I am.

SUBPOENAED

I have been subpoenaed. The kid who robbed me goes to trial in February. Last night I got scared when a kid walked up to me at a gas station to ask for directions.

FORTUNE COOKIE

Yesterday I got a cookie which said "Your dream will come true." Judging by the dreams I've had lately, I'm not sure whether that's a good thing. Of course the cookie didn't say which dream. In the Greek mythology there was a guy who went to the Delphic Oracle and asked whether he should fight the Persians. The Oracle told him "If you fight the Persians, a mighty army will be destroyed." So he fought the Persians and his army was destroyed.

JFK STILL DEAD

President Kennedy died at this hour 40 years ago today. On that day my parents had ordered a drier from Sears -- the delivery guy had not heard about the shooting, and when my mom told him, he said, "I thought it would be Bobby." We took that drier with us to the new house in Falls Church and kept it through several presidential administrations. Mom tells me I was walking and saying words but not sentences. When I was a kid, I was sorry I didn't remember more, but now I'm not. It's what my old boss, Thom Taylor, called "the phenomenon known as aging." O'Brien actually thinks I'm younger than I am.

CRAFTY LADIES AUDITED

Michael Jackson has been arrested on child molestation charges. John Nevins, the bishop of Venice, is also being sued, simply for having been an official in the diocese (archdiocese?) of Miami during a similar scandal. It's too bad, he seems like a nice guy. As a result, every parish and parish organization in the diocese of Venice, including my parents' church, is being audited. There is a group of old ladies, the crafty ladies, who get together once a week and make arts and crafts to sell for the church. Mom is the treasurer -- from now on, the crafty ladies' checking account will have to have three names on it, including Bishop Nevins. I told Mom it's only fair, if the Bishop's name is on her checks, her name should be on the Bishop's checks.

ANOTHER BAD DREAM

Last night I dreamt I was robbed. This time the guy came into my home and took me to his home. He was so slow about it I was able to call the cops.

TOM BROKEJAW

"After that, I feel like calling Rush to see whether he has any pills left."

Tom Brokaw after being roasted at the National Press Club by Al Hunt, Maureen Dowd, Bob Schieffer and Tim Russert.

THE CRAZY MAN FROM CHINA

"My mother, she told me to open the door,
But I didn't want to.
I opened the door,
He fell on the floor,
the crazy man from China.

My mother, she told me to take off his hat,
but I didn't want to.
I took off his hat,
And out jumped a rat,
the crazy man from China.

My mother she told me to take off his coat,
but I didn't want to,
I took off his coat, and out jumped a goat,
the crazy man from China"

My mother she told me to get him a drink
but I didn't want to.
I got him a drink he fell in the sink,
the crazy man from China

My mother she told me to put him to bed,
but I didn't want to
I put him to bed, he stood on his head,
the crazy man from China.

My mother she told me to turn out the light,
but I didn't want to. I turned out the light,
he kissed me good night, the crazy man from China.

My mother she told me to take him to school,
but I didn't want to.
I took him to school, he act like a fool,
the crazy man from China"

Lest you think this is politically incorrect, this song was sung to me by the Cuban refugee girl up the street. She had a brother named Sergio who had a little red wagon. My mom said when I saw it I would say "Sergio wagon" and all three of us would get in for a ride. I don't remember saying that, but I recognize the picture. When Sergio came to our house, he liked to drink out of this big plastic insulated mug. We called it "the Sergio cup." We called it that even after Sergio moved to Falls Church. We kept it for years after that, even when we moved to Falls Church.

TOM BROKAW HONORED

Tom Brokaw is gonna be honored at the National Press Club tonight. Not sure whom I'm sitting with.

THREE WEEKS

It's been three weeks since the robbery. The other night I saw a guy roll past me on a wheelchair and my first thought was "he could grab my purse and roll away." Saturday morning I saw a white plastic bag fluttering in the trash can around the corner and it scared me. Then I heard a styrofoam cup rattling on the street behind me and it scared me.

Tammy asked me if I saw this guy on the street would I think he was the kind of guy who would rob me. No, he was wearing a down jacket, a baseball cap with the visor facing front and jeans that fit. He was not wearing a leather jacket, an 8-ball jacket or a sweatjacket with a hat over the hood. He was not wearing a gold medallion or a plastic rosary around his neck. I saw employees at the police station who were dressed more like gangstas than he was.

PARIS HILTON #1

Paris Hilton is #1 of the Lycos 50 Search.

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

1 Timothy 2:11-12

"Let the woman learn in silence with all subjection. But I suffer not a woman to teach, nor to usurp authority over the man, but to be in silence."

From Daily Inbox. Most of it is better than this.

JULIAN BARBER DEAD

A former Westwood Engineer's tribute to the late anchorman Julian Barber:

"With all probability, Uncle Julian held the record for carts used during an hourly
cast -- 21. It was on a weekend. The average length of each cut was no more than
5-7 second and most were segued or overlapped.

From '76 to whenever he left the Mutsch, one might find Julian staring out of the
12th floor newsroom windows. He would be looking across Route One to the apartments
on Eads Street (pre-Marriott construction). He would have his hands clasped behind
his back and would be slowly rocking back and forth on his feet.
Upon inquiring as to what he was looking, the response was always the same. "Do
you realize that, somewhere over in those apartment buildings, people are fucking?"

Uncle Julian, you had class and you are missed."

I wonder how they'll remember me when I'm dead?

JONESTOWN ANNIVERSARY

Today marks the 24th anniversary of the Jonestown massacre. It saddens me to think of one man, like Jim Jones, leading huge numbers of people astray or one man, like John Mohammed, leading one young person astray. Sister Marie Lawrence, who taught us Latin, told us a study of the classics would help us develop the discipline to avoid getting sucked into something like the People's Temple. This could explain some things.

When I was at Westwood for the 20th anniversary in 1999, I handed out packages of grape Kool-Aid. After the Heaven's Gate mass suicide, I handed out little Snack Packs of apple sauce. After one particularly disastrous evening, my engineer said "Jane, prepare my shroud. I'm going to make the Kool-Aid."

PUNK ROCK GIRL

One Saturday I took a walk to Zipperhead
I met a girl there
And she almost knocked me dead
Punk rock girl please look at me
Punk rock girl what do you see?
Let's travel round the world
Just you and me punk rock girl

I tapped her on the shoulder
And said do you have a beau?
She looked at me and smiled
And said she did not know
Punk rock girl give me a chance
Punk rock girl let's go slamdance
We'll dress like Minnie Pearl
Just you and me punk rock girl

We went to the Phillie Pizza Company
And ordered some hot tea
The waitress said "Well no
We only have it iced"
So we jumped up on the table
And shouted "anarchy"
And someone played a Beach Boys song
On the jukebox
It was "California Dreamin'"
So we started screamin'
"On such a winter's day"

She took me to her parents
For a Sunday meal
Her father took one look at me
And he began to squeal
Punk rock girl it makes no sense
Punk rock girl your dad is the Vice President
Rich as the Duke of Earl
Yeah you're for me punk rock girl

We went to a shopping mall
And laughed at all the shoppers
And security guards trailed us
To a record shop
We asked for Mojo Nixon
They said "He don't work here"
We said "If you don't got Mojo Nixon
Then your store could use some fixin'"

We got into a car
Away we started rollin'
I said "How much you pay for this?"
She said "Nothing man, it's stolen"
Punk rock girl you look so wild
Punk rock girl let's have a child
We'll name her Minnie Pearl
Just you and me
Eating fudge banana swirl
Just you and me
We'll travel round the world
Just you and me punk rock girl


Punk Rock Girl by the Dead Milkmen

MOHAMMED GUILTY

Jurors have found John Mohammed guilty.

A BIG DAY FOR O'CONNELL ALUMNI

Father Paul De Ladurantaye, who graduated a year after me, has an article on Catholic Exchange. Dr. Leonard Rice, who graduated in his class, was a guest on WMAL's Pet Talk yesterday.

A GOOD CAUSE

Click here to feed an animal in need.

BADASS MOOD

I am in a badass mood. The latest in a string of rotten things is my car died. This cheers me up:

"King and Queen of the Pelicans we;
No other Birds so grand we see!
None but we have feet like fins!
With lovely leathery throats and chins!
Ploffskin, Pluffskin, Pelican jee!
We think no Birds so happy as we!
Plumpskin, Ploshkin, Pelican jill!
We think so then, and we thought so still!

We live on the Nile. The Nile we love.
By night we sleep on the cliffs above;
By day we fish, and at eve we stand
On long bare islands of yellow sand.
And when the sun sinks slowly down
And the great rock walls grow dark and brown,
Where the purple river rolls fast and dim
And the Ivory Ibis starlike skim,
Wing to wing we dance around,--
Stamping our feet with a flumpy sound,--
Opening our mouths as Pelicans ought,
And this is the song we nighly snort;--
Ploffskin, Pluffskin, Pelican jee!
We think no Birds so happy as we!
Plumpskin, Ploshkin, Pelican jill!
We think so then, and we thought so still!

Last year came out our daughter, Dell;
And all the Birds received her well.
To do her honour, a feast we made
For every bird that can swim or wade.
Herons and Gulls, and Cormorants black,
Cranes, and flamingoes with scarlet back,
Plovers and Storks, and Geese in clouds,
Swans and Dilberry Ducks in crowds.
Thousands of Birds in wondrous flight!
They ate and drank and danced all night,
And echoing back from the rocks you heard
Multitude-echoes from Bird to bird,--
Ploffskin, Pluffskin, Pelican jee!
We think no Birds so happy as we!
Plumpskin, Ploshkin, Pelican jill!
We think so then, and we thought so still!

Yes, they came; and among the rest,
The King of the Cranes all grandly dressed.
Such a lovely tail! Its feathers float
between the ends of his blue dress-coat;
With pea-green trowsers all so neat,
And a delicate frill to hide his feet,--
(For though no one speaks of it, every one knows,
He has got no webs between his toes!)

As soon as he saw our Daughter Dell,
In violent love that Crane King fell,--
On seeing her waddling form so fair,
With a wreath of shrimps in her short white hair.
And before the end of the next long day,
Our Dell had given her heart away;
For the King of the Cranes had won that heart,
With a Crocodile's egg and a large fish-tart.
She vowed to marry the King of the Cranes,
Leaving the Nile for stranges plains;
And away they flew in a gathering crowd
Of endless birds in a lengthening cloud.
Ploffskin, Pluffskin, Pelican jee!
We think no Birds so happy as we!
Plumpskin, Ploshkin, Pelican jill!
We think so then, and we thought so still!

And far away in the twilight sky,
We heard them singing a lessening cry,--
Farther and farther till out of sight,
And we stood alone in thesilent night!
Often since, in the nights of June,
We sit on the sand and watch the moon;--
She has gone to the great Gromboolian plain,
And we probably never shall meet again!
Oft, in the long still nights of June,
We sit on the rocks and watch the moon;--
----She dwells by the streams of the Chankly Bore,
And we probably never shall see her more.
Ploffskin, Pluffskin, Pelican jee!
We think no Birds so happy as we!
Plumpskin, Ploshkin, Pelican jill!
We think so then, and we thought so still!"

The Pelican Chorus by Edward Lear


It reminds me of childhood and sunny places by the water. If I am still in a badass mood tomorrow, I will drive to the river once I get the car going again.

janedoe@seductive.com

NATIONAL PHILANTHROPY DAY

Today is National Philanthropy Day. Contributions to the Jane Hautanen Housing (Health Care, Transportation, Employment) Fund can be made at any Suntrust Bank.

DELUSIONS OF ADEQUACY

There is a station I am forced to deal with in Tennessee whose voicemail sez "due to the heavy overflow of phone traffic, your call is being re-routed." Whom do these hicks think they're kidding? Probably three people in the world listen to this station -- the station owner, his mother and some guy who bought advertising time there. I have never talked to a live person at that station in my life, nor do I bother leaving messages on their voicemail. Meanwhile stations like these want only "celebrity" guests -- they don't understand why we can't book President Bush, the Pope, Madonna or Britney Spears on their morning show. Conversely, there are guests from the National Paint and Coating Association who don't understand why we can't get them booked on morning drive on CNN or NPR. Really, the solution would be to tell them "no one wants to talk to either of you" and set them up together.

SWEET JANE

Standing on the corner
suitcase in my hand
Jack's in his corset, Jane is in her vest
me, honey, I'm in a rock 'n' roll band
Ridin' in a Stutz Bearcat, Jim
you know those were different times
All, all the poets they studied rules of verse
and those ladies they rolled their eyes

Sweet Jane
Sweet Jane
Sweet Jane

Jack, he is a banker
and Jane, she is a clerk
and Both of them save their money
when they come home from work
Sittin' down by the fire
radio does play, look classical music there, kids
"The March Of The Wooden Soldiers"
you can hear Jack say

Sweet Jane
Sweet Jane
Sweet Jane

Some people like to go out dancing
and other people like us, we gotta work
And there's even some evil mothers
they're gonna tell you that everything is just dirt
And you know that women never really faint
and that villains always blink their eyes
That children are the only ones who blush
and that life is just to die

Anyone who ever had a heart
and wouldn't turn around and break it
Anyone who ever played a part
and wouldn't turn around and hate it

Sweet Jane
Sweet Jane
Sweet Jane

Sweet Jane, Sweet Jane
Sweet Jane, oh honey, Sweet Jane
Sweet Jane, oh, Sweet Jane
Sweet Jane, Sweet Jane

Sweet Jane by Lou Reed

Heard this when I was waiting in line at Starbucks this morning. Made my day.

THEY KNOW WHERE I LIVE

Some kids, ostensibly from the public defender's office, came to my building, saying they wanted to talk about "the incident." I feel violated all over again.

PRINCE CHARLES # 1

Prince Charles is # 1 of this Week's Lycos 50. I was getting tired of Halloween.

BAD DREAM

Had a bad dream last night. A guy pulls a knife on me and tells me to give him my money. Then he tells me to drive him somewhere. I scream, but no one hears me, even though there are people walking past us.

TWO WEEKS

It's been two weeks since the robbery. When I was a kid, I read, "if you are attacked, fight dirty. Gouge his eyes with your thumbs and keys." I now keep my keys in my hand when I'm on the street. Today I was wearing the same dress I was two weeks ago. It had Lightning's hair on it when I was robbed. I figured if the guy had murdered me, the police report would have read, "the body was found in a red wool dress, covered with pig fur."

Jesus said "Love your enemies and pray for them." I pray this kid gets help, although I'm not sure whether he can be helped, and I pray he will stay the hell away from me, my property and my family and friends. On WAVA I heard a guy talking about grace and mercy. Grace is God's giving us what we don't deserve -- mercy is not giving us what we DO deserve. I wish I could be more merciful.

NOW AVAILABLE ON CD!

The new Smooth Jazz CD is now available at Borders. Proceeds benefit The Washington Jazz Institute. I am told my name is in the liner note. Be interesting to see if they spelled it right.

NEWFIE HUMOR

A Newfie walks into a psychiatrist's office with a chicken on his head. The chicken says "Doctor, you've gotta help me get this Newfie out from under my ass."

VETERAN'S DAY

Today is Veteran's Day, the day on which we honor those who survived wars, like my father. On Memorial Day we honor those who didn't, like my Great Uncle Louie. Thanks to that warmonger George W. Bush, we will have a whole new crop of veterans to offer.

I met one of my ex-boyfriends on November 10th. He was German. I told him the following day was an American holiday. I didn't bother telling him what it was -- I figured it was something the Germans definitely wouldn't celebrate.

ROMANY HUMOR

"If you put that yogurt up a pig's ass, it would fly away."

From Bury Me Standing by Isabel Fonseca. Personally, I don't normally give my pigs dairy products very often.

BURY ME STANDING

Reading Bury Me Standing: the Gypsies and their Journey by Isabel Fonseca. My late uncle used to say he was part Gypsy, and we thought he was bullshitting. Then about a year ago I realized how much one of his granddaughters looks like my psychic and how much some of the Gypsy kids in the city look like some of my cousins.

A HAPPY (?) COUPLE, THEIR UNHAPPY (?) FRIENDS

One of my high school buds wants to get together with me, his wife, and another couple. I asked all of them whether it bothers them that I will be the only one without a date. Probably people will think I'm with one of the guys, anyway. Who's gonna think, "gee, there's a married couple, two gay guys and an old maid." Never mind that one of the couples is also an interfaith, interracial couple, so really, there's something for somebody to object to all around.

CHRIS CASHEWS

One of the best spots on radio right now is for Jerry's Pizza. It's a take off on Hardball , with a guy called "Chris Cashews." I like it because I personally think Chris Matthews is an asshole and his wife's a moron. Probably Jerry's greatest accomplishment was in 1995 with Bill "I feel your pain" Clinton. "Jer Eye for the Straight Guy" was a close second. BTW, I hear Bravo is coming up with a new one, Straight Eye for the Queer Guy.

I HAD A DREAM

I dreamt I was offered a cheapo train ticket to California, but I missed my train at 7:00 AM, so I got onto a spaceship instead. The spaceship went about as fast as a train. This planet had oxygen on it, and could support human life. Many of the people living there were from the DC area and had DC, MD and VA tags, but drove much slower. There were many pigs who looked like Lightning living there. My parents were also living there. Mom left a bottle jewelry cleaner on the dining room table and I drank it. I yelled at her for not warning me.

PARENTS WITHOUT PARTNERS?

Been looking at men on the Internet. What is it with all these guys with little kids? Sometimes I get the feeling I'm looking at the Parents Without Partners website. Do they think these kids are "chick magnets?" If so, they are sadly mistaken. What bothers me more is the men I see with kids who aren't their own. That's really pathetic -- like some woman with "baby fever." Geez, if you're gonna pose with a kid, let it at least be your own..

Honestly, kids have only been an issue once. I never met the kids in question. For my first date with his dad, we had to postpone it because the kid had fallen off a roof. When I finally met Dad, Dad told me he had taken the kid out of high school because he was tired of the countless sessions with the guidance counselor. At this point, the kid was doing nothing even towards his GED, "but he's a really sweet boy. You'll have to meet him." I didn't. Of course, considering his parents, iit's no wonder. The kid's mother was a Wiccan who had foretold her own death. She was run over by a truck on the way to the Welfare office.

GOING CATHOLIC

Well, it seems none of the mainstream publishers contacted want to publish my book. I must have sent out at least 20 queries, so now I am going for the Catholic ones -- will probably try some more mainstream ones later.

E-mail me

GORETTI GORILLAS

Germania writes "didn't these Catholic Girls teach this pervert a lesson?

AMERICA'S MOST WANTED

Watched America's Most Wanted tonight. They showed a guy who killed at least two people. I can imagine how the first victim felt when the guy pressed the gun against his head, even though the guy who robbed me didn't really have a gun. They let this guy out on a 24-hour pass, and they never found him again. I worry this will happen with the kid who robbed me. On the way to work tonight, there was a huge number of cops on the street. Where were they when I needed them? There wasn't even a fucking metermaid out when I was robbed.

TOTAL ECLIPSE OF THE MOON

There was a total eclipse of the moon tonight. I may have seen part of it. Unless you have some really good equipment, most celestial events aren't what they are cracked up to be. Halley's Comet was one of the biggest disappointments. One of them which did live up to its hype was the Hale-Bopp Comet. I saw that over Connecticut Avenue. One Saturday night we drove to the Pennsylvania state line to look at it. It was awesome.

WHY CAN'T I?

Get a load of me, get a load of you
Walkin' down the street, and I hardly know you
It's just like we were meant to be

Holding hands with you, and we're out at night
Got a girlfriend, you say it isn't right
And I've got someone waiting too

This is, this is just the beginning
We're already wet, and we're gonna go swimming

Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you
Why can't I speak whenever I talk about you
It's inevitable, it's a fact that we're gonna get down to it
So tell me
Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you

Isn't this the best part of breakin' up
Finding someone else you can't get enough of
Someone who wants to be with you too

It's an itch we know we are gonna scratch
Gonna take a while for this egg to hatch
But wouldn't it be beautiful

Here we are, we're at the beginning
We haven't fucked yet, but heads spinning

Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you
Why can't I speak whenever I talk about you
It's inevitable, it's a fact that we're gonna get down to it
So tell me
Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you

I'd love for you to make me wonder
Where it's goin'
I'd love for you to pull me under
Somethin's growin'
for this that we can control
Baby I am dyin'

Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you
Why can't I speak whenever I talk about you

Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you
Why can't I speak whenever I talk about you
It's inevitable, it's a fact that we're gonna get down to it
So tell me
Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you

Why Can't I by Liz Phair

A guy I worked with at Standardnews was a fan of Liz Phair and couldn't say enough things about her, so I was disappointed when I actually heard her. I thought the melody to this song was irritating as hell, until paid attention to the lyrics. Yeah, I met a guy I was crazy about when I had a boyfriend, whom I had been dating for five years (and who strung me along for another year until I realized he wasn't gonna marry me). The guy I was attracted to had a girlfriend. Now I've known a guy for almost three years -- can't speak whenever I talk about him -- but it seems we're still in the beginning stage....

TALKED TO CHARLIE

I talked to Charlie Warren today. He was surprisingly upbeat and not bitter. He's a bigger man than I am.

DUPONT CURRENT

The November 5th Dupont Current has an article about the robbery. The article is on page 5 -- not 100% factually correct. Mercifully, they referred to me as "the female victim," and did not give my name, address, age or weight.

DEATH RIDES A PALE COW

For the last two nights I have drawn the death card. Although this does not necessarily mean physical death, Amber Jayanti's Tarot for Dummies says it can refer to a near-death experience. Even though the guy who held me up was unarmed, it felt like one. Surprisingly, my life did not flash before my eyes, nor was I filled with regret about not having said goodbye to anyone or having told them I loved them. Am I doing something wrong?

JANEY'S DAY IN COURT

Successfully fought a parking ticket today. I always feel better about myself after I see some of the other people in traffic court. About a month from now, I may be in another court, this time as a witness. In elementary school, one of my teachers said, "don't worry, Janey, someday you will have your day in court." Was this what she meant?

CHARLIE WARREN FIRED

WMAL fired Charlie Warren this morning. The card I drew for today was the Wheel of Fortune. Today's Bible Verse of the Day is Luke 12:24: "Consider the ravens: for they neither sow nor reap; which neither have storehouse or barn; and God feedeth them: how much are ye better than the fowls?"

ONE WEEK LATER

It's been one week since I was robbed, and I want to recount everything while it's still fresh in my mind. I left my building at about 10:45 AM on Tuesday October 28th. I heard a shout behind me at the corner of 20th Street and Belmont Road, "hey" or "huh" or something like that. The man then said "give me your money." I thought he was a homeless person, so I said "no." He asked a second time and I said "no, I'm not giving it to you." He kept on following me and said "Give me your money or I'll shoot you. I mean it." He had his hand under his jacket. I opened my purse and threw the contents onto the street. The man took the bills, but no change and no credit cards. He then headed in the direction of Kalorama Park. He was a young black man, looked to be in his 20's, over 5'8" tall (I am 5'7", but was wearing shoes with at least 1" heels at the time). He was light-skinned, thin build, wearing a two-tone baseball cap (white with darker stripes) and a bright blue or royal blue down jacket and jeans. He had a white t-shirt sticking out from under his jacket. He had dark eyes and the hair which was sticking out from under the bottom of his cap was short and curly. Yes, I thought he had a gun, yes, I thought he would shot me and yes, I feared for for my life.

QUALITY TIME

Tonight on the Core Show, referring to Baby Letterman, a caller mentioned "quality time" and Chris said he didn't believe in "quality time." When O'Brienrefers to "quality time," it is something one is required to do. "You get to spend quality time with David Burd" means "you will produce the David Burd Show." It doesn't mean Burd or the producer will enjoy it.

janedoe@seductive.com

HALLOWEEN # 1 AGAIN

Halloween was again # 1 of the Lycos 50. Don't people get tired of it?

QUOTE OF THE DAY:

"If you stuck a broomstick up your butt, you could sweep the floor at the same time."

UNSEASONABLY WARM

The weather has been unseasonably warm, as Charlie says, like "summer without the humidity." Unfortunately, I have spent a lot of the time in bed, too tired, depressed and scared to get out. I was even afraid to take the pigs outside, the way I normally would in this kind of weather--I was robbed a couple hundred feet from where I usually sit with them.

GAY BISHOP CONSECRATED

The Episcopal Church consecrated openly gay Bishop V. Gene Robinson today. There were death threats. How Christian. Robinson told CNN: " God has a way of bringing Easter out of all kinds of Good Fridays."

RABIES VACCINATION AND MICROCHIPPING CLINIC

The Animal Welfare League of Alexandria, from whence cometh my beloved Thunder, is sponsoring a rabies and microchipping clinic today. The vet asked whether I wanted Lightning microchipped, but I figured as he can't fly and seldom leaves the building without me, it would be pointless.

janedoe@seductive.com

ALL SAINTS' DAY

The day of the dead, and it feels like it. I didn't go to mass, but I did pray for the souls in purgatory. All day long I've felt angry, sad, scared, tired etc. I put on the 10:00 and 10:30 news and I hear about a family held hostage in Montgomery County, robberies in Prince George's County, kids shooting each other in the District and Mayor Washington being buried. Even though the guy who robbed me is behind bars, I still live in fear. I jump at shadows, I wonder whether everybody coming at me has a gun. The other day I was looking at the broomstick in the corner, and thinking of how I would have LOVED to beat the hell out of him with it. He was caught with a bottle of cognac on him. There are a number of liquor stores, groceries, delis etc in that area -- it sickens me to think maybe it was one of my neighbors, whom I've patronized for years, who may have sold it to him. There is an article in the Philadelphia Daily News and on the wires about how the girls from St Maria Goretti High School took matters into their own hands and ganged up on a flasher. No wonder they call them "the Goretti Gorillas." Still, I don't blame them. One of my friends called the other day and said "what are you doing to attract these guys-- do you have 'victim' stamped on your forehead" When I told him today that wasn't very supportive, he answered "I thought it was kind of funny."

HALLOWEEN

It's Halloween and I'm stuck at work. Chipotle has a deal -- dress like a burrito and get a free one. If I were going to a party, I would paint the pigs purple and have them go as eggplants. Looking at them from directly above they look like eggplants. Or suppositories.

There is an article on the Bunny Man in today's Post. The first time I heard about the Bunny Man I was about eight years old -- the big kid up the street told us about it. Maybe I should dress the pigs up in bunny suits next Halloween. Or next Easter.

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

Today's Bible Verse from Daily Inbox:

"Be ye therefore ready also: for the Son of man cometh at an hour when ye think not."

Luke 12:40

Yeah, and a guy who says he has a gun and he'll shoot you also cometh when ye think not. You can be walking to work at 10:45 in the morning in a nice neighborhood and be held up. Nothing is the same after that.

BACK TO WORK

Actually I was back at work yesterday, too, at least to my night job. Mom said it would be good for me to be around people. I did it more because I needed the money. And I'm afraid they would give me less work in the future because of this. And It would have hurt to see someone else doing my job.

HOLD ME!

It's been more than 14 hours since the robbery and the adrenaline has worn off. Now I'm home alone, scared and tired. I got scared seeing the shadows in the parking garage, scared to walk home from my car and scared of every car on my street.

It's been a rough year. In January the sis ter of one of my friends had a heart attack, and in early February the father of another girlfriend died. A couple days later my car was broken into. On February 15th my father had a stroke, within that time period my friend Barbara broke her hip and my former co-worker Nan Wyatt was murdered. On March 10th I was robbed and Barbara's sister died within a few months.

I need to be held.

THE WATER-METHOD MAN

Finished reading The Water-Method Man for the third time yesterday. It's all so familiar -- Iowa, New York, Vienna, urinary tract surgery, being hopelessly in debt, living a monk-like existance. The first time I read the book, I was about 21. The second time I was 29 -- the same age as Bogus Trumper. I'm glad it works out for him.

A VERY SPECIAL ROBBERY

At about 10:45 this morning I was robbed about 300 feet from my home. A young man said to me, "give me your money." I thought he was some homeless guy, so I said "no." Then he said "give me your money or I'll shoot you. I mean it." This seemed reasonable, so I threw my money and cards on the ground and he took the cash and ran towards Kalorama Park. I called the cops on my cell phone and they were able to catch him. It turns out he's 14 years old (bigger than I am ) and wanted for a number of other crimes. He's in foster care in Maryland and goes to a special school. Evidently Foster Mom was at work and he missed his short bus. They also found a bottle of Remy Martin Cognac on the kid. He drinks only the best.

janedoe@seductive.com

PLEASE DON'T SQUEEZE THE DUCK

Balmer Sun columnist Kevin Cowherd talks about TV spots that get on his nerves.

WALTER WASHINGTON DEAD

Former DC Mayor Walter Washington died this morning. When I was a kid, there was a coloring book with his picture in it.

DC CITY LIVING

WMAL is one of the sponsors in the DC City Living Expo, which ends today. Some city officials are supposed to be there, including people from the city humanities office. I'm told they offer grants to city artists, and figured I would apply for one for my book. The worst they can do is say no.

FALL BACK

Public Service Announcement: Set your clocks back, if you haven't done so already. For most people, this means an extra hour of sleep -- for me it means an extra hour of work, but at least I get paid for it.

BEEN CAUGHT SURFING

Burd caught me surfing the Tard Blog. Had to tell him what I was smiling about.

FREAKS

Sideshow barker Ward Hall retires today. Jeff Krulik, one of his disciples, lives in my neighborhood.

DOCTORS WHO CAN'T DO MATH

Went to the eye doctor today, radiologist today (trying to get the most out of my insurance). Both asked "date of birth" and "age." This bothers me. Can't they just subtract the my birth year from 2003?

janedoe@seductive.com

FOR YOU

"Princess cards she sends me with her regards
Barroom eyes shine vacancy, to see her you gotta look hard
Wounded deep in battle, I stand stuffed like some soldier undaunted
To her Cheshire smile, I'll stand on file, she's all I ever wanted
But you let your blue walls get in the way of these facts
Honey, get your carpetbaggers off my back
You wouldn't even give me time to cover my tracks
You said, "Here's your mirror and your ball and jacks"
But they're not what I came for, and I'm sure you see that too

(CHORUS) I came for you, for you, I came for you
But you did not need my urgency
I came for you, for you, I came for you
But your life was one long emergency
And your cloud line urges me
And my electric surges free

Crawl into my ambulance, your pulse is getting weak
Reveal yourself all now to me, girl, while you've got the strength to speak
'Cause they're waiting for you at Bellevue with their oxygen masks
But I could give it all to you now, if only you could ask
And don't call for your surgeon, even he says it's too late
It's not your lungs this time, it's your heart that holds your fate
Don't give me my money, honey, I don't want it back
You and your pony face and your Union Jack
Well, take your local joker and teach him how to act
I swear I was never that way, even when I really cracked
Didn't you think I knew that you were born with the power of a locomotive
Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound?
And your Chelsea suicide with no apparent motive
You could laugh and cry in a single sound

And your strength is devastating in the face of all these odds
Remember how I kept you waiting when it was my turn to be the god?

You were not quite half so proud when I found you broken on the beach
Remember how I poured salt on your tongue and hung just out of reach
And the band, they played the homecoming theme as I caressed your cheek
That ragged, jagged melody, she still clings to me like a leech
But that medal you wore on your chest always got in the way
Like a little girl with a trophy so soft to buy her way
We were both hitchhikers but you had your ear tuned to the roar
Of some metal-tempered engine on an alien, distant shore
So you left to find a better reason than the one we were living for
And it's not that nursery mouth that I came back for
It's not the way you're stretched out on the floor
'Cause I've broken all your windows and I've rammed through all your doors
And who am I to ask you to lick my sores?
And you should know that's true"

Bruce Springsteen

GOOD HAIR DAY, BAD PSYCHIC DAY

There is a new psychic in my parents' neighborhood. I told my mom "she's a Gypsy." Mom sez "no, she's blond." It turns out she and Mom go to the same hairdresser, who told mom the psychic does indeed dye it. Not only that, she gives the hairdresser a bad feeling. Me too.

Went to the eye doctor today. He asked me whether I had a significant other. Not an unusual question for a gynecologist or a psychiatrist to ask. I embarrassed my dentist by telling her how dental dams are used in oral sex. Having undergone a number of uncomfortable dental procedures, I can think of few things which make me want to have sex LESS.

MONSIGNOR MCMURTRIE DEAD

The principal of my high school died. Jeez, he was my age when he was principal.

KOOL-AID AND POPCORN

Flew back home tonight. The Sarasota-Atlanta and DC-Cincinatti hops are what my cousin Joe (Lynn's brother) refers to as "Kool-Aid and popcorn flights" -- no meal, just Kool-Aid and popcorn. I told this to a German guy at the youth hostel -- had to translate it as "fruit lemonade and popcorn." He thought it was a riot.

ST. JAMES BAZAAR

"Give a cheer, give a cheer, for the men who drink the beer, in the cellar of good old St. James. They're so brave, they're so bold all the liquor they can hold, in the cellar of good old St. James, For it's run, run, runn, I think I hear a nun. Grab all the beer that you can hold. If a nun should appear, say "sister, have a beer," in the cellar of good old St. James."

The unofficial fight song of my elementary school, supposedly a tribute to the parish men's club. The following appeared in the most recent parish bulletin: "To all Cathechists, Substitutes, Aides: If you have not already complied with the Diocese of Arlington's Policy for the Prevention of Sexual Misconduct and/or Child Abuse, then please contact the Religious Education Office so that we can give you a copy of the Policy, the Acknowledgment of Receipt and Questionnaire, and inform you about the upcoming Educational Seminars."

By the way, they're having their bazaar tonight through Saturday

HALLOWEEN #1 AGAIN

Halloween is #1 of the Lycos 50 again. This is getting old.

Just took my parents' car to the beach -- looks like a picture postcard -- very few tourists. Florida is one of America's best-kept secrets in spring and fall. Heard a Christian station and a smooth jazz station on the car radio -- might as well be home.

PIZZA AND PIPES

Landed at Sarasota International Airport this morning. That's right, international, because it has flights to and from Canada. This place is so lame. When I landed there, I saw an ad for Roaring 20's Pizza. The sign said "Pizza and Pipes." I thought, "gee, this place is more progressive than I thought, they have hookah." No such luck. It was a FUCKING WURLITZER PIPE ORGAN. Ordering sex on the beach is also problematic.